3. Thunder Hawk, Street Fighter
Reason for entering tournament: To reclaim his tribe's land (from M. Bison) / rescue his kidnapped sister (from M. Bison)Special Moves: Rising Hawk, Diving Hawk, Mexican Typhoon
Super Street Fighter II brought one more adjective and a few new characters into the SF mix, including Dee Jay (Breakdancing-type), Cammy (thong-type), and Thunder Hawk (stereotype-type). Like most characters on this list, T. Hawk's name came out of a Native American-themed word jumble. Looking at his character design, two things jump to mind: First, his feathered headband and warpaint: clearly a man in touch with the spirit of the land. Second, jesus christ what is wrong with his body. His bio lists him at 7'7" and 360 lbs, and 90% of that is upper torso. His arms are so enormous, federal law prevents him from operating them while intoxicated. Where he comes from, his people have an ancient saying: "Is that T. Hawk, or did someone park a bus on a pair of blue jeans?" This is what science imagines men looked like back when dinner meant choking a woolly mammoth to death.
2. Nightwolf, Mortal Kombat
Reason for entering tournament: Become the ultimate shaman and guide Liu Kang back from the spirit world.Special Moves: Tomahawk Chop, Spirit Arrow
You probably assumed that because Nightwolf has a move called the "tomahawk chop," he's just another Native American caricature who walks around with tomahawks. Well it looks like you owe an apology to the 10-year-old boy whose job it is to design new Mortal Kombat characters. Nightwolf is completely different. Instead of carrying around actual axes, Nightwolf is so in touch with spirits and elders and you know, energy, that he can form tomahawks out of green ectoplasm. He can also create a bow and arrow for a projectile attack. He's like Green Lantern, if Green Lantern's ring could only make things that would appear on a Family Feud board under "Things Native Americans Had."
1. Chief Thunder, Killer Instinct
Reason for entering tournament: Looking for his brother, Eagle (that's not his brother, an eagle, and a third thing we forgot to type. His brother's name is "Eagle.")Special Moves: Tomahawk, Phoenix Dive
Despite his Native American heritage, what Chief Thunder really reflects is 1994. He has the facepaint of The Crow, the pants of a Bret Hart, and the mohawk of a punk from the the Ninja Turtles cartoon. He is easily the stupidest looking character on this list, and that's saying something. Chief Thunder holds another dubious honor he is one of three characters from Killer Instinct who didn't make the cut for Killer Instinct 2. Do you know how hard it is to get cut from a fighting game? Traditionally, they only add more and more characters until gamers stop paying attention and they reboot it to the original characters everyone loved. Killer Instinct's problem? That requires original characters everyone loved. It was a game with a lot of hype and solid gameplay, but characters like Chief Thunder and Eyedol held it back from the pantheon. That's right, Chief Thunder didn't even have the worst name in Killer Instinct.
Honorable Mention: Chief Hawkwolf Featherclaw
Reason for entering tournament: To make his creators a lot of money.Special Moves: Dreamcatcher Clutch, Fierce Wolf Hawk Fist of the Hawkwolf
Okay, to be fair, Chief Hawkwolf Featherclaw hasn't been featured in any videogames yet. But we figure this guy's our golden ticket to launching our own successful fighting game franchise. All we need now is a brash American, a gentlemanly European, a cute Chinese girl, and a super-handsome Japanese protagonist, and our roster will be complete. Keep an eye out for Super Final Dynamic World Dorkly Fighter HD Remix Bout arriving in a store near you, just as soon as we get all these lawsuits taken care of.