2) The Third Reich Meets The Third Wrench – Wolfenstein 3D


I'm so glad my brothers could get me into video games before I first strolled into Social Studies class. Oh, Adolf Hitler committed suicide in an underground bunker? Is that so, Mr. Miller? No no, I know the real story. See, the D in Wolfenstein 3D stands for "documentary." Steve Rogers blew the hell out of an entire army of Nazis, only to find that Hitler had assembled a damn robot suit with four – yes, four – gatling guns! Thank God Abraham Lincoln travelled through time to leave those health packs lying around for good ol' Cap and taught him the magical shutdown phrase, "Klatu barada nicto." Yesiree, World War II sure was something. And Mom says all this nerd stuff never taught me anything.

1) And This Is Why I'll Never Have Kids – Silent Hill 3


Don't be afraid to take a few parenting tips from the Silent Hill series. First one being the adoption of a demonspawn daughter, second one being to always plan ahead. See, when cult leader Claudia induces magical labor in protagonist Heather (did I mention she's pregnant with God?) our heroine somehow has the presence of mind to finally discover what the mysterious locket given to her by dear Daddy so many years ago really is: Divine Plan B. After scarfing down the little red pill, she scarfs up a fetus. Sorry, hang on, I know I might've lost some of you there, so let me reiterate:

She vomits up a fucking god fetus. Right there on the floor. And yes, the game shows it. But we're not done yet -Claudia isn't one to give up so easily. If Heather won't give birth to God, then goldarnit, Claudia's just gonna pull up her bootstraps and do it herself. So naturally she scoops it up and eats the damn thing. She then waddles over to a metal hole in the ground meant to symbolize a vagina and is yanked inside by (apparently) Pillow Pants the pussy troll. Heather then follows her in to do battle with a 10-foot tall, emaciated monster wearing her face.

So! Who's hungry?