Mega Man

I honestly don't blame them for not including me. They really needed the extra space for the gaggle of Resident Evil chumps. It's a pretty great move, so long as you ignore the fact that survival horror characters bring nothing to the fighting game table. But if they happen to come upon any puzzles mid-combo, they'll totally be prepared! Besides, the Mega Man void has been filled by the all-powerful Zero. I mean, the guy has a ponytail! How cool is that?

Seriously, though: Get a haircut you f**king robot hippie. I'd rather play as Servbot.


I used to be the face of this series. The cover of "X-Men vs. Street Fighter" had me shaking hands with Ryu. Now the guy won't even return my calls. Why does Capcom hate me? I shoot lasers out of my eyes. I am the leader of the X-Men and they include a f**king Sentinel over me! That'd be like making a Ninja Turtles fighting game and replacing Leonardo with a foot soldier. Though I'll bet they would have had the decency to give Leonardo a severance package. I had to sell my microwave to pay rent this month. Do you have any idea how degrading it is to heat up a Hot Pocket with an optic blast?


So Morrigan and Felicia think they can fill the "scantily clad girl" quota without me, huh? Well, I won't forget this. The last furry bitch that tried to replace me was a cat girl named Cattrana. Never heard of her? That's because she's spent the last 10 years in a coma. You don't get to be in as many Street Fighters as I have without cracking a few skulls. And breaking a few backs. And ripping out a few hearts. Come to think of it, I wonder if Mortal Kombat is hiring.


I think my exclusion from this game can only be explained by one thing: You hate America. Is it any coincidence that Ken, Charlie, and I were ALL removed from the game? I think not. Back in the good ol' days, we would have blacklisted anyone who even walked into the same GameStop as this communist propaganda. But now we've got to be "politically correct" and "not racist" by including characters of different genders and ethnicities. Personally? I blame Obama.


I'll be the first to admit that I was a little distraught when I first got the news. But then I started to think of it as a blessing in disguise. Finally, I'd have enough time to star in my own game! Who wouldn't want to play a platformer starring an anthropomorphic Mexican Cactus? …God, who am I kidding.

Capcom, if you're reading this, I'm willing to work for free. Offer me as a downloadable character. Use me in the background of one of the desert levels, I don't care. My wife left me for a Eucalyptus tree.