Article Pwn My Life: Issue #33September 30, 2010
Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.
I pretend I have an adamantium covered skeleton and claws like Wolverine. When I bring out my pretend claws, they are "there" until I pretend to bring them back into my arms. While my imaginary claws are out, I am very conscious of their presence, and I'm very careful not to cut things of value to me, such as myself, my friends/family, or my stuff. I will, however, glide my hands near walls or doors pretending to cut them as I walk, then put them away when I'm done.-Collin
Before I play StarCraft 2, I use my sister's blow dryer to warm my fingers, making them faster.-Kevin
I have been dating my girlfriend for about a month. She has never played Portal, and I got tired of explaining all of the references, so I told her she should play it. She gave up within an hour claiming it was too hard. I told her that I wouldn't sleep with her again until she beat it. It's been three days, and she's almost finished the game.-Cody
Whenever I have to make myself cry, I think about David Tennant's regeneration scene in Doctor Who. The line "I don't want to go" always gets me.-Mike
Permanent death is one of the most shocking things that can happen in a videogame mainly because we grew up in an age where new life was just a quick continue away. Here's a tribute to 11 of the characters whose moms wouldn't give them any more quarters. Warning: Most of these games are pretty old, but may contain spoilers if you're totally out of the loop.
It's a good thing there's no fall damage in FFVII, or Sephiroth probably would have broken both of his legs and we wouldn't have the most shocking death in VG history. Actually, Sephiroth probably would've died and then THAT would be the most shocking death in VG history. And probably the grossest. Whoever heard of someone going to a place of worship only to be unexpectedly penetrated?
Don't answer that.
Roman's death shouldn't have bothered us that much. He was pretty much just a human, fat, Yugoslavian combination of Navi and Natalya, except he always wanted to go to strip clubs or bowling. So, a kind of awesome combination, but still annoying and always in need of rescuing. RIP Roman Bellic Husband, Cousin, Friend. Do not weep for him, for he is ogling titties in Heaven now (or not, otherwise RIP Kate).
If I throw one more barrel right now
I can't bear to watch!
And. . . Got 'em! BAM. Game over.
Well that's the end of Mario.
I guess you're right. Time to move on. OK, so let's get out of this terrible place and go to your house.
This is my house.
You like it?
You put flaming barrels of oil on the ground floor.
It's called mood lighting.
And I see you have really gone for the "red I-beam" construction look.
I think it really opens the place up.
Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #19September 28, 2010
Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.
Some dude on Modern Warfare 2, talking to another kid"So what I'm saying is, my threesome was with a solid 7, then maybe a 2. Does that mean I got with a single 9 or?"Other kid: "No man, you average it. So really you got with like a 4.5."-Justin
From a ten or eleven year old, during a Gears of War match"You're a douche-bag. You're a bag full of douches."-Dave
Article 5 Types of Gamer CliquesSeptember 28, 2010
Article Videogame Protagonists Team UpSeptember 27, 2010
Okay everyone, let's-a sit down. Now we all know-a why we're here. We're-a getting sick of fighting like a thousand enemies apiece with-a no help.
He's right, it sucks. It's even worse for those of us who can only be hit one time. We need to group together and sweep through everything, one world at a time.
But Sonic, you already have help-
(angry whisper) Dammit Tails, how many times to I have to tell you, you speak when spoken to.
Okay, each of us has-a skills that will come in handy for the group.
- Master Chief
I can get behind the wheel of literally any vehicle and pilot it with ease. You need a wheelman, I'm your guy.
I can run really fast. I could scout for the group.
- Mega Man
I'm a pretty good tinkerer. I can make something useful out of what's basically scraps from destroyed robots, so I could do gadgets.
- Sam Fisher
I have a knack for getting into places unnoticed. I could gather intel, or sabotage a place.