Articles

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Article Pwn My Life: Issue #56

December 28, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

When I was in high school, my friends and I had a hard time beating Ninja Gaiden for Xbox. After months of practice, I finally beat it. My friends were all impressed and with my new found confidence I went up to the hottest girl in school and tried to hit on her. My pick up line: "Hey, so I beat Ninja Gaiden." Didn't work.-Anonymous

I once failed an exam on Greek mythology and got detention. To make things worse, I answered with the names of WoW characters. I got detention because the teacher also played WoW and knew who they were.-Carl

I puked during my calculus final today. I got that nervous.-Santa's Little Helper

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Mario Kart 64 vs. Diddy Kong Racing: Which is the Better Game?

December 27, 2010

Though gaming in the 21st century has its share of icons, they never got the treatment that video game characters from the 90's did. If Nathan Drake, Master Chief, and the Weighted Companion Cube had been around a decade ago, surely they would be strapping on their driving gloves and getting ready to go for the gold in a wacky kart-racing game.

Bomberman had one, Crash Bandicoot had one, and even poor Chocobo had one. And no two kart racing games in the 32/64 bit era were more prominent than Mario Kart 64 and Diddy Kong Racing, creating a sibling rivalry among Nintendo fans, one that lasts to this very day. While comparisons between the two games are about as common as used copies of N64 wrestling games, this comparison aims to do something different; cutting through the crap of terms like "level design," "play mechanics," and "graphics," to weigh the games on issues that really matter.



Sense of Wonder: Both games are published by Nintendo, so a sense of childlike wonder is a must. As fun and varied as Mario Kart 64's visuals could be, with its Chocolate Mountains and its Kalimari Desserts, Diddy Kong blows Mario out of the water on this one (probably whilst on his hovercraft). The racing in DKR is adequate, but the atmosphere was the real reason we looked so fondly upon the game in the first place. Who doesn't remember thinking "holy crap" when they first saw that you could race with a plane in this game? A PLANE! Just seeing that world map and hearing the sound of Tiptup's throaty yell makes me go all nostalgic.


Winner: Diddy Kong Racing
Filed Under   mario kart   diddy kong racing

Article Mario Bros Plumbing

December 27, 2010
  1. Mario

    I think the Mario brothers are pretty well qualified for your plumbing company, sir.

  2. Manager

    Well, Mario-

  3. Mario

    Dr. Mario. Olympic athlete Dr. Mario.

  4. Manager

    Er, yes. It seems that your doctorate was earned via a Tetris knock-off?

  5. Mario

    Indeed it was.

  6. Manager

    Well, Mr…

  7. Mario

    Mario.

  8. Manager

    Your name is Mario Mario?

Filed Under   conversations   mario

Article The Dorklyst: 10 More of the Greatest Snow Levels in Videogame History

December 22, 2010


Though we stand behind our first tribute to snow levels, we realize we overlooked a bunch of really great ones. So here's part 2! Enjoy our second tribute to the greatest wintery levels in videogame history. And if we missed one, maybe we'll make a part 3! …But don't count on it.

10.

Few games seem so easily adaptable to the videogame world as Scott Pilgrim – probably because Scott Pilgrim itself was so deeply influenced by videogames. Whether you think the Michael Cera film version was awesome or the awesomest (it's actually a little of both), it's hard to deny how great this throwback, beat-em-up game was – and this level was a pretty fantastic introduction. It's games like this that make me wish my girlfriend had evil exes for me to defeat. And that people I beat up would turn into coins, instead of assault charges.


9.

Ice Man may look like a relatively nonthreatening, slightly-deformed, neckless eskimo, but looks can be deceiving in the world of Mega Man. His stage is one of the most challenging in the original – much moreso than the barely-not-copyright-infringing Bomb Man or the effective-against-Paper-Man Cut Man. The most challenging aspect was that nagging question: Why are there frozen-over palm trees in the background? Was it a bold statement about climate change, or did Capcom just try to lazily re-use some beach level sprites? You be the judge.

Filed Under   the dorklyst   snow levels

Article 50 Gamers Remember Their Favorite Holiday Gift

December 22, 2010

I remember getting Super Mario Bros 3 very clearly. I played so much I gave myself a headache. In retrospect I think I was dehydrated. Like Curt Schilling in his bloody sock, I played through the pain.-Jeff Rubin

Nintendo 64 With Legend of Zelda Majora's Mask, Ocarina of Time, Mario Party 2, Super Mario 62, & WWF No Mercy I can't remember how old I was but I remember being young. Best Christmas ever. -Xander J.

My very own Sega Genesis. I don't remember how old I was. Probably 6 or 7. Next best was Metal Gear Solid. I don't think I turned that game off for my entire Winter Break… I miss Winter Break.-Marcus H.

A PS3. I was 15, and it was my favorite because I now get to play new games from sony owned makers (insomniac games)-Eric R.

Must have been about 10 or 11 and my parents decided to sell my Amstrad CPC that I loved! I was gutted but when I found out it was to fund my birthday present of a SNES I was more than happy! Made my life!-Craig S.

When I was in second grade my older brother and I got a Sega Genesis for Christmas (after us both begging for one). I LOVED Sonic at that age and always played the games on the test consoles at Blockbuster and I was finally able to play to my heart's content.-Charity W.

Gameboy Color with Pokemon Gold. I logged over 1000 hours on that game.-Nick L.

The BEST X-mas was when i spent it at my best friend's house. He got a Playstation 3 for Christmas with about 4 Playstaion games to go with it, so in celebration we went outside and ritualistically destroyed his Xbox 360 which had gotten the red ring of death. Just picture the scene from Office Space when they destroy the printer, except with 2 teenagers and an Xbox.-Brian B.

Article The Omanyte Before Christmas

December 21, 2010
Filed Under   christmas   pokemon

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #31

December 21, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

I was playing Black Ops and I was in the pre-game lobby, when someone asked if anyone had seen the latest episode of Sons of Anarchy. Some guy decided he was going to be a smart-ass and said, "I don't watch that show because it glorifies things that I don't appreciate. I only watch shows that have values and things that I support." Some other guy spoke up and said, "Yeah, that's why you have all season's of To Catch A Predator on DVD." -Big Steve
So I was playing some Free Roam on Red Dead Redemption and I pass this guy who is just standing out in a field doing nothing. I ride up and all I hear on his mic is "fap, fap, fap, fap,fap" followed by grunting. -SHOTBlocker4044
One day while playing MW2 with a coworker, he said "The bigger they are, the harder they fall" since he unlocked the challenge. I regret it to this day, but my response was "No, the bigger they are, the harder you choke!" He never really looked at me the same.-Aaron
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article 8 Videogame Character Christmas Lists

December 21, 2010

Filed Under   christmas   mario   pokemon   lists

Article Spyro is Pissed

December 20, 2010
  1. Spyro

    Alright, what's on our schedule today? Lots to do. I'm thinking crossover. Maybe a comic…

  2. Exec

    Spyro, I…I don't know how to keep telling you. It's over. No one likes you.

  3. Spyro

    What? I'm freaking Spyro. The Playstation mascot. Who is bigger than me?

  4. Exec

    Well, uh, Mario, for starters.

  5. Spyro

    Mario? The Plumber? Get out of here.

  6. Exec

    He's really popular. Everyone loves plumbers.

  7. Spyro

    You know what else is popular? Dragons. Dragons are popular.

  8. Exec

    He has a giant lizard too. So cool…

Filed Under   conversations   spyro

Article 7 Movie Posters From the Pokemon World

December 17, 2010


Filed Under   movies   pokemon