(Page 87)

Article 6 Limericks for Failed Videogame Systems

March 9, 2011

Filed Under   dreamcast   limericks

Article The New Starting Pokemon Plead Their Cases

March 8, 2011


Oh, hey. Sorry, couldn't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. It's no contest. First, I'm the fire guy. Fire is the coolest. Your other option is water, which is the element fish crap in. And grass? Get real. You want a fire-breathing KO machine, not a chia pet. Second, I'm f**king adorable. I look like Babe got hot and heavy with a flamethrower and made one cute, kickass pokemon baby. Meanwhile Oshawott looks like a snowcone that gets picked last for kickball and Snivy is some stuck-up plant lizard. Do you want to stare at those disgusting faces for the next 12 levels? Stick with the best, my friend, and burn down the rest.


I know I look like a messed up clown badger, but hear me out: Your friends are going to pick Tepig. He's adorable AND he shoots fire. But you know what's better than being cute? Being victorious. If you want to win, you're going to need to extinguish the flame pig. So unless they create a stop, drop, and roll pokemon, I'm your best bet. And Snivy? Honestly, if you're thinking of choosing him I'm not going to try to reason with you. He's a smug houseplant. Just draw a sh*tty smile on a fern.

Filed Under   pokemon

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #40

March 8, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

I was speaking french to a friend of mine on Modern Warfare 2 and some genius, who had earlier claimed to be from the United states, said, "Oh god are you British or some sh*t?" He clearly failed every class of history and geography he's ever been in. —Paul
So I walk into my brother's room to ask him something. He'd just joined a Black Ops lobby when we heard some guy say, "Dude! She's fugly!" and the reply was "I think my mother is pretty fit, actually." —Oli
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Flowchart: Will You Watch This Cutscene?

March 7, 2011

Filed Under   awful good   cutscenes

Article Halo Firefight: A Hero's Death

March 7, 2011
  1. General

    Uh, Mrs. Gunki77er?

  2. Mother

    Yes, general?

  3. General

    There's no easy way to say this. Your son died in a Halo firefight last night-

  4. Mother


  5. General

    Ten times, ending his game.

  6. Mother

    That…that is a lot of times.

Filed Under   conversations   halo

Article If Evony Online Was Actually Like The Ads

By Owen Parsons and Brian Murphy / March 4, 2011

Filed Under   evony online

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #66

March 4, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

Every first Sunday of March I celebrate "Schnitzel and Nintendo Day." It's the day I set up my SNES, make delicious schnitzel, then play classic videogames and eat. I'm also working on a spin-off called "N64 and Hotdog Day" that takes place every first Sunday in September.-Karl

For Valentine's Day this year, I left a copy of Pokemon Ruby on my girlfriend's door with a note telling her to check the Pokemon roster. The roster was six Luvdiscs whose names spelled out "Happy Valentine's Day [her name]! Love, [my name]."-C

I'm trying to lose weight now so I can cosplay as Vamp from Metal Gear Solid on Halloween.-Michael

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Adventures of Thaldin Grixbane: Office LARPer

March 3, 2011

  1. Thaldin

    Fellow warriors! A grave injustice has been committed this day!

  2. Coworker

    What is it this time, Eric?

  3. Thaldin

    As ye all know, within yonder breakroom fridge, there dwells a legendary sandwich, forged with the bread of truth and tempered with Hellman's Lite Mayo.

  4. Coworker

    We all know what a sandwich is, Eric.

  5. Thaldin

    BUT ALAS, whilst I was battling spreadsheets, mine lunch was pilfered.

  6. Coworker

    You could just send an email abou-

  7. Thaldin


Filed Under   larp   thaldin grixbie

Article The Weekly IRL: 7 More Pictures of Cosplay Win

March 3, 2011

Filed Under   cosplay   the weekly irl

Article The Dorklyst: The 10 Greatest Secret Levels in Videogame History

March 3, 2011

Secret levels used to be something extremely special. Before the Internet, you had to either find them on your own or hear about them from the weird kid at school who spent recess picking his nose and staring at the sun. And once you did find out about them, all you wanted to do was brag about your new found knowledge. Let's salute the greatest secret levels in videogame history.


It's hard to bring out something weird and unexpected in a WWII game where Hitler's dead and you're fighting with lightning-zappers, invincibility devices, and time-travel — but then again, giant ants? Disbelief only suspends so far! It ends up feeling like Red Alert with Zerg, except with a lot more people saying "At once!" and "Affirmative!" over and over. The ants add a huge new challenge to the gameplay, where you have to radically change your strategy just to survive. Even then, it's hard as hell. So if you ever travel back in time and kill Hitler, remember to bring a giant can of Raid, okay?


George Lucas had to know that the Dark Side of the Force was the cooler one. I mean, would you rather be a badass asthmatic burn victim in black armor who hangs out with a grandpa who shoots lightning, or a wimpy blonde kid whose mentor thinks being a powerless ghost is "more powerful than you could ever imagine"? Clearly the Dark Side is the way to go — something Rogue Squadron figured it out in their bonus level, "Triumph of Empire." It's a familiar moment, the battle above the Death Star (classic version, not that half-built piece of crap that Lando blew up with his midget friend) — except you're in Darth Vader's TIE Fighter, wasting rebels left and right. And when it comes down to that pivotal trench run — well, let's just say that Luke won't be bullseyein' womp rats again anytime soon.

Filed Under   the dorklyst   secret levels