Oh, hey. Sorry, couldn't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. It's no contest. First, I'm the fire guy. Fire is the coolest. Your other option is water, which is the element fish crap in. And grass? Get real. You want a fire-breathing KO machine, not a chia pet. Second, I'm f**king adorable. I look like Babe got hot and heavy with a flamethrower and made one cute, kickass pokemon baby. Meanwhile Oshawott looks like a snowcone that gets picked last for kickball and Snivy is some stuck-up plant lizard. Do you want to stare at those disgusting faces for the next 12 levels? Stick with the best, my friend, and burn down the rest.
I know I look like a messed up clown badger, but hear me out: Your friends are going to pick Tepig. He's adorable AND he shoots fire. But you know what's better than being cute? Being victorious. If you want to win, you're going to need to extinguish the flame pig. So unless they create a stop, drop, and roll pokemon, I'm your best bet. And Snivy? Honestly, if you're thinking of choosing him I'm not going to try to reason with you. He's a smug houseplant. Just draw a sh*tty smile on a fern.
Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #40March 8, 2011
Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.
So I walk into my brother's room to ask him something. He'd just joined a Black Ops lobby when we heard some guy say, "Dude! She's fugly!" and the reply was "I think my mother is pretty fit, actually." Oli
Article Halo Firefight: A Hero's DeathMarch 7, 2011
Uh, Mrs. Gunki77er?
There's no easy way to say this. Your son died in a Halo firefight last night-
Ten times, ending his game.
That that is a lot of times.
Article Pwn My Life: Issue #66March 4, 2011
Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.
Every first Sunday of March I celebrate "Schnitzel and Nintendo Day." It's the day I set up my SNES, make delicious schnitzel, then play classic videogames and eat. I'm also working on a spin-off called "N64 and Hotdog Day" that takes place every first Sunday in September.-Karl
For Valentine's Day this year, I left a copy of Pokemon Ruby on my girlfriend's door with a note telling her to check the Pokemon roster. The roster was six Luvdiscs whose names spelled out "Happy Valentine's Day [her name]! Love, [my name]."-C
I'm trying to lose weight now so I can cosplay as Vamp from Metal Gear Solid on Halloween.-Michael
Fellow warriors! A grave injustice has been committed this day!
What is it this time, Eric?
As ye all know, within yonder breakroom fridge, there dwells a legendary sandwich, forged with the bread of truth and tempered with Hellman's Lite Mayo.
We all know what a sandwich is, Eric.
BUT ALAS, whilst I was battling spreadsheets, mine lunch was pilfered.
You could just send an email abou-
I SUSPECT WOOD SPRITES.
Secret levels used to be something extremely special. Before the Internet, you had to either find them on your own or hear about them from the weird kid at school who spent recess picking his nose and staring at the sun. And once you did find out about them, all you wanted to do was brag about your new found knowledge. Let's salute the greatest secret levels in videogame history.
It's hard to bring out something weird and unexpected in a WWII game where Hitler's dead and you're fighting with lightning-zappers, invincibility devices, and time-travel but then again, giant ants? Disbelief only suspends so far! It ends up feeling like Red Alert with Zerg, except with a lot more people saying "At once!" and "Affirmative!" over and over. The ants add a huge new challenge to the gameplay, where you have to radically change your strategy just to survive. Even then, it's hard as hell. So if you ever travel back in time and kill Hitler, remember to bring a giant can of Raid, okay?
George Lucas had to know that the Dark Side of the Force was the cooler one. I mean, would you rather be a badass asthmatic burn victim in black armor who hangs out with a grandpa who shoots lightning, or a wimpy blonde kid whose mentor thinks being a powerless ghost is "more powerful than you could ever imagine"? Clearly the Dark Side is the way to go something Rogue Squadron figured it out in their bonus level, "Triumph of Empire." It's a familiar moment, the battle above the Death Star (classic version, not that half-built piece of crap that Lando blew up with his midget friend) except you're in Darth Vader's TIE Fighter, wasting rebels left and right. And when it comes down to that pivotal trench run well, let's just say that Luke won't be bullseyein' womp rats again anytime soon.