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Article The Dorklyst: The 6 Greatest Videogame Theories on the Internet

March 17, 2011

Videogamers and conspiracy nuts share a lot of common ground: both spend most of their time indoors, both post long, meandering tirades on internet message boards, and both stare at flickering screens all day. The only difference is that one group is playing Xbox, and the other is flipping frame-by-frame through Obama's inauguration speech trying to spot his lizardman tail. But sometimes the groups overlap, and we end up with some crazy theories about our favorite games. Strap on your tinfoil hats, sheeple: here are six of the weirdest videogame fan-theories out there.

6) Pokemon: You Killed Gary's Raticate

Gary Oak (or "Blue" or "Douche", as you probably called him), pops up every now and then in the first generation of Pokemon games, battling you whenever it's least convenient and generally being a snarky pain in the ass. Sympathy for this jerk was pretty low until early last year, when someone spread this story around the net. In short, Gary has a Rattata / Raticate that is a staple of his lineup all the way to the S.S. Anne. After you pummel his team onboard the ocean liner, the next time you see him he's visiting Lavender Town, the final resting place for dead Pokemon. His Raticate is nowhere to be seen. Did the brutal onslaught of your Poke-skills lay his stalwart companion to rest? Are... are you the real "Douche" in this game? Man, I need to go sit down.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Bulletstorm's Skillshots Are For Maniacs

March 16, 2011
  1. General

    Remember soldiers, you get more points for more creative kills.

  2. Soldier 1


  3. General

    That's right, it's called skillshots. If you kill anyone really cool, you get more points for more upgrades.

  4. Soldier 1

    Maybe you could just give us those upgrades now. You know, so we can do our job?

  5. General

    No. The system works.

Filed Under   bulletstorm

Article The 6 Types of Pokemon Namers

By Henry Alexander / March 15, 2011

1. The Defaulter

Battle Quote: "Blitzle is a perfectly respectable name."
Examples: Oshawott, Patrat, Lillipup
Synopsis: You don't work for Nintendo. Why should it be your job to name their army of made-up monsters? You're too busy on your quest to catch them all. Besides, you want to be able to talk shop with your Pokebros without wasting time trying to figure out which particular Pocket Monster everyone is talking about. Then again, maybe you're just lazy.

2. The Pro

Battle Quote: "I'll show Game Freak how real puns are made. In fact, you could say my skills are… pun-believable."
Examples: Zapidash, Piglit, Grassassin
Synopsis: You are a master of the written word, even if you haven't had time to sit down and write that novel yet. In the meantime, you prove your linguistic prowess with well-crafted Pokemon names. So what if you spend more time coming up with the perfect nickname than actually playing the game? It's totally worth it for that slight chuckle your friends emit when they first set eyes upon your Pigeru Miyamoinko.
Filed Under   pokemon   lists

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #41

March 15, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

I was playing team deathmatch on Call of Duty: Black Ops yesterday when I heard someone open a door very loudly and yell "Whats up?! Are you winning?" followed by the guy saying "Dude! Knock before you just barge in here! What if I was masturbating!?"-Cody
While playing Halo 2 a few years ago some kid who couldn't have been older than 11 was talking sh*t. After a few games of this my friend asks "Are you even allowed in your mom's room?" The kid says yes, quite proudly, so my friend replies with "wake me up in the morning".-BigDog
My gamertag on Xbox live is Kira, now for any of you who've seen Death Note you get it. But a lot of people think I'm a girl because of it. Well one day I was in the lobby of a Halo 3 game, and as soon as I entered some 12 year old kid is like "Ooh, Kira, it's a girl." and rambling on about that, then I go "Hey, sup?" in a pretty deep voice. His response "Oh sh*t!" and left the game.-Josh
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article 7 Ads If Settlers of Catan Was Real

March 14, 2011

Filed Under   catan

Article Everyone Wants a Piece of Peach

March 14, 2011
  1. Peach

    Mario, this picnic is lovely. I'm so glad I get to spend time with you!

  2. Mario

    Anything for a princess with eyes as bright as fire flowers.

  3. Peach

    Oh Mario, you're the sweetest.

  4. Luigi

    Hold up, you call that a pick up line? Check this out. Hey Peach, my other Tanooki suit has the tail in the front… if you know what I'm saying.

  5. Mario

    Dude, that's my girlfriend!

Filed Under   conversations   mario

Article 8 Steps to Making a Super Cool Bulbasaur Costume

March 14, 2011

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #67

March 11, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail. This week only we're taking video submissions for possible inclusion in the new CollegeHumor series Nerd Alert. Look right in your camera, record your confession, send it over, and if we use it we'll send you a t-shirt. Keep sending in written submissions too.

Last week I passed my Nutrition exam without studying for it, solely based on "Sensei Facts" from Fruit Ninja.-A_Q

I went to stop at a craft store for felt so I could create and sew a felt spoink onto my backpack on my way home from college one day. On the way, I walked past a Best Buy and noticed through the window that they had a large Pokemon display near the entrance. I'd forgotten Pokemon Black and White came out that day. I turned to walk into the store, but the automatic doors wouldn't open. I tried twice. Nothing. I stopped and waved my hands in front of the door to try and engage the sensor, but it wouldn't budge. Then a lady walked in the door next to me. It was then that I realized I had been so fixated on the Pokemon display that I was trying to walk in the exit door.-Nick

I never realized how nerdy I was until I was getting my EB Games membership and the manager asked for my email, which is a character from Diablo II.-Eddie

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article 6 Nintendo Consoles Re-imagined as Pokemon

March 11, 2011

Filed Under   nintendo   pokemon

Article The Weekly IRL: 7 More Awesomely Nerdy Tattoos

March 10, 2011

By Jordan

Filed Under   the weekly irl