Articles

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Article IRL Pokemon: The Problem With Rare Candy

March 31, 2011


Filed Under   irl   pokemon

Article The Weekly IRL: 7 Awesomely Nerdy Beds

March 31, 2011


Filed Under   the weekly irl

Article The Dorklyst: 6 More of the Greatest Videogame Theories on the Internet

By Brian Murphy and Owen Parsons / March 31, 2011



A few weeks ago we released a list of the 6 Greatest Videogame Theories on the Internet. The response was great – everyone seemed genuinely interested in exploring the dark, twisted conspiracies behind our favorite videogames. But soon strange things started happening at our office. Interns vanished without a trace. Mysterious black vans appeared outside. As some commenters on our site and Reddit fairly pointed out, our first article just brushed the tip of the iceberg. Deep below, in the freezing waters of truth, more mysteries lay submerged. So now we're going deeper. Too late to back out now, you're already involved. They're watching you as you read this. Just stay calm, play it cool, and prepare yourself for 6 more of the greatest videogame fan-theories the internet has to offer.


6. The Lost Pokemon War (Pokemon Red / Blue)



A good half of the insane video game theories floating around online make their home in the world of Pokemon. Maybe it's because the in-game society is so simple and perfect. Too perfect; in fact, the whole thing gives off a serious Prisoner vibe. What are the smiling citizens of Kanto trying so desperately to hide?

You start the game with no father, and are the man of your household. Your rival has no parents at all. The only adult man in your village, the aging Professor Oak, trusts his most important research to you, a mere child. In fact, Kanto's men are mostly children or the very old. The few men in their prime are tied up in Gyms or organized crime. Every town is equipped with a state-of-the-art medical center. A little weird, sure, but not that sinister until you meet Lt. Surge in Vermilion City and he lets slip a harmless little comment about the war. Wait. War?

Surge definitely went to war, but he's no old soldier. He looks pretty young… about the age your character's dad would have been. Could Kanto have just seen the end of a long, bloody war? Are you and your rival members of the first generation to live in peace? It can't be… it can't! I… I… I wanna be… the very best… sniff

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #43

March 29, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

I was playing infection in Halo Reach and the last man standing was about seven years old. After he screamed at us in a really high pitched voice about how he was going to rape us, I intervened and told him to shut the f*ck up, his voice was too high for human ears. He asked me why he should shut up, so I told him that if he didn't I would shove my energy sword so far up his ass he would sh*t blur for a week. Then I assassinated him.-Keefe
I was playing team slayer on Halo Reach and as usual I get one of those annoying kids with a squeaky voice. I ignored him at first, but he kept giggling every other second. I continued to ignore him until he starting moaning through his mic like two teens in the backseat of a car. After he stopped moaning he started laughing again and said "It's so funny when my parents snore." -Nick
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article The 5 Most Awesomely Cheesy Fight Scenes in Videogame Movies

March 28, 2011

5.




Mortal Kombat Annihilation is the second film (god willing not the last) in the MK saga. The fight scenes are far superior to the original, blending nostalgia and hilarity into a cocktail fit for a King of the Outworld. Honestly? This battle could have been number one if Jax could have squeezed in just a couple more perfectly timed one-liners. Regardless, it does MK justice; especially when Sonya delivers her famous "Kiss of Death" fatality to a cyborg. The explosion at 4:34 is worth the price of admission alone.


4.




The RE films are pretty similar to their source material: The action is beautiful while the plot is more confusing than Russell Brand's sex appeal. This scene showcases the lickers just as Capcom would have wanted: Ugly, fast, and creepy as all hell. And in staying true to the RE game series, Alice doesn't move while shooting. Also, Jill is wearing the EXACT outfit she wore in Resident Evil 3, making her the last person to tie a sweatshirt around her waist since 1996.

Filed Under   mortal kombat   movies   resident evil

Article 7 One Liners From Duke Nukem After Sensitivity Training

March 25, 2011


Filed Under   duke nukem

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #68

March 25, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I use the "incognito" feature on Google Chrome for two purposes. One is porn. The other is fanfiction.-Anonymous
TrollandToad.com offered random Pokemon holographic cards for $0.25 each. I went nuts and bought 100 cards. I got them in the mail and man, I was impressed at some of the stuff they gave me. I went back to buy another 100. However, the price was now $0.39 per card. I live chatted with customer support and asked why the price rose. They told me pricing is based on demand. Previously, the item had not had a lot of demand. That's why it was so cheap. Now that it was in demand, it wasn't "on sale" anymore. Then it hit me. My single order was what drove prices up.-Anonymous
Today I overheard a very cute girl in my property class say she liked Superman better than Batman because Batman doesn't have powers. This infuriated me. I went over to her and explained that Batman has guile and is the world's greatest detective. I then started to inform her about why those attributes allowed Batman to kick the crap out of Superman. I stopped mid sentence because I realized how little she cared.-Anonymous
Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Minecraft: 6 Creepers Creepin'

March 24, 2011


Filed Under   minecraft

Article The Weekly IRL: 7 Pictures of Nerds Bein' Hilarious

March 24, 2011


Filed Under   the weekly irl

Article The Dorklyst: The 10 Most Frustrating Achievements in Xbox Live History

March 24, 2011



Remember the good ol' days, when you could just beat a game, pop open a celebratory 2-liter of Mountain Dew, and then move on with your life? Those days went away the instant that Achievements were introduced. Now we live in a world where your work on a game is done only when you've beaten each level perfectly 10 times and played for a month straight – and that's the easy ones. Some games include achievements that seem like jokes – surely the developers never thought anyone would actually waste enough time to complete them. But gamers never walk away from a challenge. They do, however, bitch about them on the internet. Here are the 10 most frustrating achievements in Xbox Live history.


10) Aperture Science (Portal) – Earn gold medals on all Portal challenges (40G)



While Portal got a lot of praise when it came out for its unique, hilarious, and fun style of gameplay, no one really mentioned how this achievement would take all that goodness and twist it around to sinister ends. A few of the challenges could be entertaining if only to screw around with the game's great mechanics, but some other ones (Least Steps, go walk off a cliff in 10 steps or less, please) were brutally difficult and frustrating. The only thing that could comfort you after a few hours of these challenges would be a nice big slice of cake, and …wait – WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


9) Vesperia Master (Tales of Vesperia) – Aim for total completion (0G)



Okay – this is just plain insulting. Getting all of the achievements in Tales of Vesperia is no easy task (Secret Mission 17, Item Nerd, etc.), but then to offer you absolutely ZERO gamer points for it? Fine, if that's your attitude, maybe we'll just play and enjoy the game without considering arbitrary points and achievements. No! I didn't mean it! Come on, daddy needs that shiny new gamerscore!

Filed Under   xbox   achievements   the dorklyst