Articles

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Article The Dorklyst: 6 Characters Who Got Super-Powerful for No Reason

By Brian Murphy and Owen Parsons / April 26, 2011


All heroes of nerdy franchises become more powerful over time. They start out as rookies, then eventually become masters by training with a wise sensei or being corrupted by a cursed sword; you know the drill. The transformations are rarely realistic, but at least they offer some kind of explanation. Here's our tribute to six characters that got major upgrades for no apparent reason.

6. Claire Redfield (Resident Evil: Code Veronica)


Through Resident Evil 3, the main characters of the series were above-average survivors with a lucky streak. They had a slightly greater skillset than their idiot comrades and survived by utilizing teamwork and well-timed saves. Claire's first appearance in Resident Evil 2 painted her as the naïve, but tough, little sister of Chris Redfield. She was by no means a damsel in distress, but definitely wasn't outrunning helicopters or killing 50 armed guards with a single bullet. Until Code Veronica, that is.

And the trend didn't stop there. By later games, Leon was dodging lasers like a Matrix character and Chris looked like he'd been shooting horse steroids directly into his dick after every meal. And don't even get me started on Wesker. I miss Barry.

Article Flowchart: Which Final Fantasy VII Character is Your Favorite?

By Brian Murphy and Alyssa Alecci / April 25, 2011

Filed Under   flowchart   awful good   final fantasy VII

Article Issue #1

By Brian Murphy / April 25, 2011

Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to areyouafraidofthedork@gmail.com!

I had been playing Starfox 64 all day and finally got to Venom using only the red (difficult) path. After defeating Starwolf, I began circling the vent that would take me to the battle with Andross. I circled once, twice, three times, but instead of entering the vent I just continued to circle. My game had glitched right before the final boss. I was doomed to circle the surface of Venom FOR ETERNITY.-Caldwell Tanner

I was making my way through the final Castle in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and died while battling in the Fire Barrier. Through either (a) a brilliantly wicked trick of the Evil conqueror of Hyrule or (b) some kind of bug undetected by the worthless troglodytes at Nintendo, I was brought back to life without my hover boots — the only item protecting me from the intense heat of the fire chamber's lava floor. Thus was Link stuck in an endless loop of re-spawning and instantly burning to death.-Patrick Cassels

I preordered the original Rock Band at a national chain of game retailer who will remain nameless. I never preorder games, but there was a lot of hype. I knew exactly which songs I wanted to play first (Foreplay/Long Time, Reptilia…) and left work early to pick up that enormous box. When I got there, the employees informed me that I had placed a preorder for just the game itself, not the package of the game and the instruments you actually need to play. They then explained that I couldn't get the package because they were all set aside for preorders, and I didn't get to play Rock Band for an entire weekend.-Jeff Rubin

Article IRL LOTR: Offering Aragorn The One Ring

By Brian Murphy / April 22, 2011


Filed Under   lord of the rings

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #72

By Kevin Corrigan / April 22, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

My Freshman year, I went on Spring Break to Waikiki, Hawaii. It was beautiful. I hiked, swam and boated everywhere on the island. However, the only pictures that I took were of the buildings that were featured in Tony Hawk Underground. The design and placement were perfect. The only phone call I made was to my friend in Texas to tell him how they were exactly the same.-Anonymous
I signed up to be a beta tester for the Everquest expansion, House of Thule, as soon as registration opened. It wasn't for the new content, gear or AA. It was for housing. I spent about 400 hours during testing messing around with houses. This allowed me to figure out exactly what lot I would want when the expansion went live. The day before the patch, I camped myself right where the ramp down to the housing zone would appear I download the patch as soon as it was available. I literally bolted down to the gate when it was finished, went to the exact plot I wanted and bought it. My house is considered one of the best on the server I play on.-Anonymous
A friend and I bugged another friend of ours to play World of Warcraft for two years. He has wanted to, but his parents wouldn't let him. They're religious and don't tolerate games with magic, because "magic comes straight from Satan." He finally caved last night, bought the game, went home and told his parents that he's an Atheist.-Austin
Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Dorklyst: 9 of the Greatest Easter Eggs in Videogames

By Jack Walden / April 21, 2011


It's Easter time again, and you know what that means: it's time for gamers everywhere to give thanks for the random in-jokes, half-baked secrets, and weird nerdy references that developers hide inside our videogames. Here are nine of the most fun Easter Eggs in recent memory.

9) GTA: San Andreas- No Easter Eggs Up Here


You wouldn't know it from GTA IV's gritty, post-soviet realism, but there used to be a time when this franchise was wacky and light-hearted. A time when you wielded jetpacks, fighter planes and weaponized dildos against increasingly cartoonish odds. This egg is from that era, and it's so out there that it looks like James Franco and Joaquin Phoenix made it up at one of their metafictional postmodern orgies. If you fly your jetpack to the very top of the Gant Bridge, you'll find a large inscription reading: "There are no Easter eggs up here. Go away." Which is itself an Easter egg. But it's not. But it is. But it's – man, I wish it were still cool to make Inception jokes.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article The Weekly IRL: The Cake Strikes Back (7 Pictures)

By Staff / April 21, 2011




Filed Under   portal   the weekly irl

Article 5 Advertisements From The Watchmen

By Brian Murphy and Owen Parsons / April 20, 2011

Filed Under   watchmen

Article The Dorklyst: 8 Greatest Plot Twists in Videogame History

By Sophie Prell / April 19, 2011


Sure, M. Night Shyamalamadingdong's The Sixth Sense scared the crap out of us and shocked audiences nationwide with its at-the-time remarkable ending. But videogames have had some pretty substanstial "ZOMGWTFNOWAI" moments too, and they deserve no less love. Here are 8 of the most memorable plot twists in videogames:


8) No lives remaining (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare)


While debate still rages as to whether the CoD series or Halo is the more legitimate contender to the FPS throne, hardly anyone disputes the shock and awe – why yes, that wordplay was intentional – that floored us all when, after extracting a team of U.S. Marines in CoD4: Modern Warfare, a nuclear threat is rumored, established, and executed within moments. At the level's climax, the game violently snatches victory from your hand like an angry sugar-high toddler as it screams in your face, "NO! MINE!"

In video games we're always accustomed to having one more life, to having one more try. But here you were forced to watch a distinctly disempowering scene as a city was decimated, your mission was failed, and your protagonist died. Real life warfare kinda sucks, huh?

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #46

By Jeff Rosenberg / April 19, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail

I tried Kinect for the first time last night at my friend's house. During an intense game of Beach Volleyball I tried to spike the ball, and proceeded to scrape my hand on his spackled cement ceiling. My hand started to bleed profusely all over the floor. Instead of pausing the game though, we decided to finish the match. Needless to say, I had major bragging rights on the ride to the hospital to stitch my hand back up.-Jon
This happened to a female friend of mine. Her (now ex) boyfriend was playing Team Fortress 2 online, when she decided she was bored, so she dressed up in her best lingerie and seductively walked out to the living room. She leaned up against the wall and gave him a 'come hither' and all she got in reply was "Not now. I'm playing team fortress." She very angrily returned to being bored in the room. He slept on the couch.-Pman
Filed Under   overheard on xbox