Article Phoenix Doh'dAugust 9, 2010
Hey I found Aeris, she's praying up there on that alter.
Sh*t, Sephiroth's falling from the sky, and that's a huge ass sword.
OH MY GOD! He just killed her.
Don't worry about it.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! HIS SWORD WENT STRAIGHT THROUGH HER BODY!
Big deal, I've been swallowed whole by monsters and turned to stone like a hundred times.
But she's dead! Gone! And I never had the chance to explain my conflicted emotional love interest!
Yo' quit your %$@#'ing crying. I literally have 99 phoenix downs in my bag.
What are you talking about?
You're kidding right? Phoenix downs the ultra cheap feather that brings people back to life.
Or revive materia, phoenix summon we can use whatever you want bro.
Have a submission for next week's issue? Send pictures to weeklyirl at gmail. Next Issue: Stormtroopers Having Fun.
Article Pwn My Life: Issue #18August 5, 2010
Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.
My alarm clock ringtone is the Final Fantasy VII victory theme. I start every morning feeling like a winner.
One day, I was over a friend's house and we were cutting up peppers for his parents' restaurant. He got a bit carried away and cut his finger all the way to the bone. Instead of going to the hospital straight away, he got a bunch of tissues and ran to the nearest keyboard to check if it was a finger that he used for any of his WoW hot keys.
My family's only Christmas tradition is to play Golden Eye for N64 on Christmas Eve, all day.
One time a male friend and I spent a whole evening creating our own teenage mutant ninja turtle. We chose a color, weapons and researched Italian Renaissance artists so we could get an appropriate name. We even made a photoshop picture of the turtle by mucking around with a pic of Donatello. The funny thing was his girlfriend broke up with him over it, because she felt what we did was "too intimate" and he was "obviously cheating" on her.
Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty is what we in the business call a "planet killer." Now that it's launched, be prepared to have your job, relationship, and productivity tested. Here are some of the main reasons you'll wave goodbye to the outside world for a while after immersing yourself in Starcraft II.
1. It's True To The Original
You sit down and play a few matches, alternating between races, when you realize something- you've been here before. DÃ©jÃ vu sets in- the units are different, the graphics are augmented with another dimension, but this is Starcraft. Somehow the people at Blizzard have managed to balance power-armored marines, mutant bugs, and space wizards a second time. Alone in your basement you stand up and applaud. Well done Blizzard
well done. Now finish your Hotpocket and spawn more overlords!
2. More Sequels On The Way
The people at Blizzard would like to tell you a story. Wings of Liberty is only the first game of three in the Starcraft II series. Why the break up? Well, it's definitely not to make more money. The developers at Blizzard say they want to do the story justice. Apparently the new non-linear campaign could take somewhere between 20 hours and 3 years to complete; so as soon as you finish Wings of Liberty, the second installment might be out.
Who are we kidding? We'll probably be waiting another 12 years.
Article 5 Rejected Zelda TemplesAugust 3, 2010
1. MC Escher Temple
In an attempt to corner the surrealist art demographic, the game developers used nonsensical perspective and impossible architecture to construct this Escher inspired level. While the idea was ultimately a failure, it was still better than the proposed Salvador Dali Temple.
Most Frustrating Part: The "Relativity" Room is a scale accurate version of Escher's most famous work with stairs seemingly traveling every which way. While it's interesting in the painting, in the game it is nearly impossible without the Hover Boots, which are located at the top of a diagonal staircase that connects to a floor both higher and lower than where it starts.
2. The Herb Temple
This temple involves a lot of Link sitting around watching the Nature Channel. The special item in this temple is the double fudge brownie arrows, which serve no real purpose other than being, according to the developers, "like the best things in the world." The reason this temple never made the final cut is because Link learns "Freebird" in its entirety on his ocarina (including the developers singing along with the solo) without going through the proper channels to license the song. When the player finishes the song, the Dominos delivery man magically shows up.
Hardest Part: In the 3D Doritos Room, Link must confront Dark Link, but instead of an epic battle, the two spend twenty minutes looking at their hands and talking about how, like, cool hands are.
Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #11August 3, 2010
Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.
I was playing MW2 a few days after my girlfriend had broken up with me.Â I was pretty down in the dumps at the time.Â After destroying a team in TDM, my opponents all got on the mic and started talking some SERIOUS sh*t to me.Â Instead of ignoring it or talking sh*t back, I decided to throw them a curveball for fun, saying, "Honestly, compared to everything else going on in my life, having people talk sh*t to me is no big deal."Â After a brief silence, one of the guys who had been harassing me said jokingly, "Do you want to talk about it?"Â The whole lobby, including myself erupted in laughter.
My (very rude) cousin was over at my house, and he had no problem making himself feel at home and play my 360 without my permission. He went on doing stupid things like friending someone I don't know. Later that day, I was sitting at the table minding my own business when from the other room I hear, "What? My voice sounds like your sister's? It's cuz I make out with her so much!"