Article Pwn My Life: Issue #79
Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.
Some friends and I are studying to take the bar exam. In order to better understand things, we've been applying principals of law to Star Wars. A typical session will include debates about whether using the force to steal from someone's home is burglary or larceny, whether Obi-Wan's ghost could testify in court, and if Han had a self-defense claim when he shot first. If we were taking the Tatooine bar, we'd be set.-J
I have a satchel that I bring everywhere I go. I purchased patches for it representing all the classes from World of Warcraft. Whenever I level a character to the level cap, I sew a patch representing that class to my bag. So far my bag has five patches. Patches 6-8 are on deck and soon will be ready to be sewn on.-Ethan
In high school my gamertag, "Palmo," was my nickname. There was another guy with the same real first name on my cross-country team, so Palmo stuck. When an art teacher hooked me up to do some video-editing work for an alumni's parents, they made the check out to Palmo. I had to get them to change it so I could cash it.-Palmo
A MacGuffin was originally a film concept, defined as "an element that drives the plot of a work of fiction." Basically, they are cheap ploys that make a hero want to do something, and they've never enjoyed more prevalence than in the video game industry. Why do you want that princess, star, or weapon you can't even use? Because you do, you benighted controller monkey! Here's our tribute to the MacGuffins that deserve recognition for being awesome, terrible, ironic, or just confusing.
6. Triforce (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)
The Triforce was left behind by three goddesses (supposedly) and has the power to grant wishes, but only to a person with equal measures of courage, power, and wisdom. This seems to be one of those built-in after school special messages, as someone who already has all three qualities wouldn't have any trouble getting anything they wanted. Or even if you just had power, that's probably enough to put you on the road to success sans a set of wish-granting golden triangles. Of course, if you have no wisdom, power, or courage, presumably that's still equal measures, so we can only guess that Link is forever on a quest to prevent stupid, cowardly, unimportant people from touching the Triforce.
What would have happened without it: Ganon would have been forced to ruin lives by some other, less elegant method, like forming a standing army of desert people who are not so afraid of Master Swords, pretty ponies, and wind instruments. This situation would be moderately less difficult to navigate than the Water Temple.
Article Crazy Taxi Hires Terrible People
Hey, I need to get to Union and Packard.
Where is that? Oh wait, the giant blinking green square-thing? No problem.
What? No, nothing is blinking. Are you okay?
Yup, the good old 'giant blinking square'. I'll just follow this giant green arrow hovering in the air as fast as possible.
Flash games exist in a strange world. Anyone can make them. They're not bound by big budgets or proven formulas like their console cousins. Any motivated programmer or 14-year-old kid can make a game and get it featured on Newgrounds if it's good enough. Any time someone has a novel gameplay idea, everyone else wants to put their spin on it. As a result, some weird genres emerged. XBox games come in clear, simple genres like "sports" and "shooters," but flash genres are more along the lines of "games where you fling things with your mouse." These are the most popular game genres you can play in your Web browser.
9. Motorcycle Physics
All motorcycle physics games can be traced back to the old PC game Action Supercross (later Elastomania). It was a motocross game where you drove an elastic motorcycle through twisty levels, collecting apples and trying to reach the goal. Flash developers decided that elastic motorcycles and collecting apples were too much for the fickle Internet audience. They stripped it down to the basics. As a result there are around a thousand games where you reach the goal by pressing back to lean back, forward to lean forward, up to drive, and down to brake. Originality aside, there are a surprising amount of good motorcycle physics games. They're all exactly the same, but if you pretend each new game is a level pack you can play forever. They're not specific to motorcycles, either. Monster trucks, skateboards, bicycles and Mars rovers have all proven that they can lean, accelerate and brake.
Article Issue #7June 7, 2011
Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org!
I am the wimpiest gamer in existence. A few years back I was playing Wind Waker when I came across a room that freaked me out. After an hour, my mother came downstairs to see where all the pathetic whimpering was coming from. She found me in the bathroom, shaking from fear and bracing myself to vomit. That's right. I almost puked from getting huge adrenaline rushes. Darknuts are scary. -Stacie
When I was in 4th or 5th grade, my brother and I played the "Are You Afraid of the Dark?: Tale of Orpheo's Curse" on my grandfather's computer. I was convinced that Orpheo escaped from the game and was haunting the downstairs of my grandfather's house. I wouldn't go downstairs by myself until about the 8th grade.-Whitney
To this day I am scared of the dark because I'm afraid a Grue will get me.-Daniella