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Article Virtual Shackles: Made This Way
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Article Pwn My Life: Issue #80
Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.
Fun Pwn My Life Fact:Most of you cried when Ash tried to release Pikachu back into the wild on the Pokemon cartoon. It was the only time many of you have ever cried, and many of you cry every time you watch it.
My wife and I had a son on June 6. The last day in the hospital I was texting a friend, jokingly, about seeing if my son Roddrick wanted to join our Minecraft server. When I logged into Minecraft a few days later, I noticed a new chest in my house with a sign reading "Roddrick's Starter Kit". My friend put full stacks of various items and materials in a single block chest for my son and I. Hands down, one of the best gifts ever. Thanks, Two-Hand.-Andrew
One of my best friends got me manga for my 18th birthday. I have never read any manga, ever. He was so sure I did because apparently I look like someone that reads manga.-Will
Welcome. Today we're here to discuss breasts, and their influence on contemporary gamer culture. Mind you, this is no exploitation column. No, this is an art gallery my friend. And this is a piece of art. Were this a crude, uncouth exploration of the subject matter, many if not all of you could simply enter "boobs" into Google and find comparable material. Or, if you're looking for truly tasteless video game material, there's always Custer's Revenge
But this is no vulgar parade. No, grab your wine and sip from the rim in gentlemanly fashion, for today we dive into only the finest, most refined moments of videogame nudity today. No exploitation, no titillation: just fine, beautiful, sexy nudity.
6. Woo hoo! I made my Sim Woo Hoo! (The Sims)
While other games may throw in T&A (and sometimes D) for titillation or entertainment, there's nothing terribly attractive or exciting about it in The Sims. The whole point of making Woo Hoo with someone in this life simulator is to achieve goals or procreate. Sure, it might be a little silly when it comes to animation, but that's just in keeping with the aesthetic. It's not meant for a Spank Bank deposit. No, the Sims, even in their dirtiest hour, are clean and wholesome. There are no strip clubs in this world, no Sims Gone Wild. It's just sex, plain and pixelated.
Of course, that didn't stop you or I from downloading the mods so we could peep in on our hot neighbor as he or she took a shower what? You didn't do that?
Classiness Level 3: for giggles and silliness, but there's also nothing titillating about cartoons getting it on. Um, right?
Article Xbox 360 is a Liar
- Xbox 360
- Xbox 360
Just pwning some noobs at Call of Duty 4.
Nice, nice. Sounds fun. Hey, wanna play some tennis?
- Xbox 360
Uh, not right now.
What about some golf?
Batman had it rough. As a boy, he was forced to watch as his parents were gunned down in front of him. It's the event that inspired his one-man war on crime, and the most famous tragedy in comics. But let's be honest, now. He still had a billion dollar trust fund, a giant mansion, the heirship to a giant international corporation, and the coolest butler ever. That's way more than some of the other guys got. Here are eight comic book characters who had it worse than the Caped Crusader.
The tragic death of a loved one is usually part and parcel of the whole superhero package. It takes a special brand of luck to also be the one responsible for their death. For that you'd have to be the hero who's been wedgied by fate more often than any other: Spider-Man.
After gaining his spider powers, Peter Parker made the (totally reasonable) decision to make a little money off of them. Later, when he had the chance to stop a burglar, he made the (again, totally reasonable) decision not to get involved. He had a successful entertaining gig by now, and didn't need to risk that by tangling with some criminal.
Unfortunately, sensible decisions have no place in comic books, as that same burglar then turned around and shot his beloved Uncle Ben dead. You know, the one who taught Peter "with great power comes great responsibility," the catchphrase that would cement Spider-Man as the universe's whipping boy for the rest of his life.
7. The Runaways
Missing your dead parents is one thing, but learning your parents are part of an evil coalition bent on destroying the earth is quite another. For the characters of Marvel's Runaways, this revelation leads to the formation of an unlikely superhero team with more variety and teen angst than the freshman locker room at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.
The children of "The Pride" (an occult group of villains comprised of time travellers, mad scientists, mutant telepaths, crime lords and, of course, wizards) are burdened not with the death of loved ones, but with witnessing their parents sacrificing a young girl as part of a dark ritual. Most tragic origins fuel a sense of vengeance in their protagonists, but Runaways, however, derives its tragedy from an odd mixture of teen rebellion and hard-to-answer questions of morality and loyalty. It does involve a telepathic dinosaur, however, which is pretty much the opposite of tragic.
Article Issue #8June 14, 2011
Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to email@example.com!
Back when I was in High School in 2001, I played Diablo II on battle.net all the time. I didn't have my own computer, and we still had dial-up at the time. Since my dad was adverse to extended online play, I had to install it in a random folder, play in the middle of the night, and hide any evidence of it's use. One night, I was playing until 5 AM, just before my dad woke up to get ready for work. I don't remember doing it, but I fell asleep on the couch next to the computer. I awoke to furious yelling about me using the computer, sneaking around, and being on the Internet all night. He then proceeded to shatter the game CD in front of me. It wasn't until later that I discovered at a friend's house that he also deleted all the characters from the account as well. I had several level 80+ guys too. It was devastating. -Rob
I was a huge Bill Nye the Science Guy fan. When his computer game came out, I bought it and played it. However, I did not count on there being a sentient computer in the game. MAAX, the computer in charge of stopping the meteoroid, scared the shit out of me. MAAX claimed that he would not destroy the meteoroid unless you solved some science riddles. I took this way too seriously. I was afraid that if I messed up, Earth would be destroyed. The anxiety of saving earth combined with my fear of this sentient computer prevented me from beating the game. I had nightmares for a month.-Anonymous
Article The 5 Worst Videogame Wingmen
5. Navi (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)
It may be cheap to take shots at the little one. After all, she's just trying to be helpful. But pointing out the obvious isn't always the best route to take when you're trying to strike up a conversation with the fairer sex.
"LOOK!" I know, Navi, I see it. I noticed the spaghetti strap tank-top the second I walked into this joint. Stop trying to blatantly draw my attention to it mid-convo it's hard enough keeping my gaze above the neckline when I have a few pints sloshing around in me. "HEY! LISTEN!" I got it, I'm trying to talk over here. Whose side are you on anyway?
And the worst part? You can't get rid of Navi by shouting "I don't believe in fairies". Trust me, I've tried.
4. Kratos (God of War)
No one likes a show off. And a battle-scarred Spartan that waltzes into the bar with his rippling biceps and dramatically lamenting about his dead wife is the equivalent of being the single dad pushing a stroller in the local park on "Mommy & Me Day". You'll never stand a chance.
Not to mention, the white-washed bastard has like three drunken orgies during the work week. On a Tuesday. Before breakfast. Who can complete with that?
Hey Kratos. Take a hike and leave some for us. Oh, and put a shirt on, dude.