Articles

1. Producer

   Well, we finally did it. An immense, unbelievable story, full of action, dragons and fighting. It’s the most dramatic, action-packed game in American history.

2. Executive

   Great! Can you cook?

3. Producer

   What?

4. Executive

   Right, like in the game. Can you cook?

5. Producer

   You’re missing the point. See, you’re fighting dragons and-

6. Executive

   Add cooking. And there’s a dragon language, right?

7. Producer

   What?

8. Executive

   Also a written language. The dragons need a written dragon language for some reason.

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

As people may know, Ireland is going through some tough economic times. More and more people are emigrating in search of jobs. Unfortunately, I will most likely be one of these people. I can’t afford to stay here anymore. Australia has been a popular choice amongst Irish people and with good reason; sun, sea and hot women. I ruled it out straight away because of the high price of videogames and tendency to ban games with an 18+ rating.
-Dan

I got drunk at my bachelorette party and got a tramp stamp tattoo of the classic Batman symbol.
-Lass

My OKCupid profile contains only the sentence, “I am ranked No.3 on the Leaderboard for Elvis Costello – ‘Pump It Up’ on Rock Band 3 on ProExpert Drums.’ I have yet to receive a single wink, message or reply.
-Anonymous

Back when I was in middle school, I had been looking forward to the new Ratchet and Clank game for awhile. I was really excited when I got home from school the day it was delivered to my house. I had just started playing when my parents brought me into the living room and tearfully told me that they were getting divorced. After staring at the floor for a minute, I said I had to think about what was happening alone for awhile. I went back to my room and played Ratchet and Clank until I beat it. It’s still one of the fondest memories I have from my childhood.
-Anonymous

Tis the season, dear Dorkly readers. Tis the season for giving, for gathering, for growing and geniality. It’s a lovely time of year, and I know a great many of you are just aching to know what games you can pop into the console without upsetting the family’s delicate sensibilities as they sit, stuffed at the dinner table. Well, I have good news and bad news. Bad news is you may not want to use any of those in this list. Good news is hey, it’s the Internet! There’s bound to be at least one poop joke ahead! So go on, get to reading!

6. Wii Sports

Oh sure, the allure is there, and it has been for a good five years now. Create a cartoon representative of yourself and send it to Nintendo’s virtual sports arena to have it do battle on the golf course, in the bowling lanes, or even a boxing ring. And why not? The system is only $150, and Wii Sports, the game that launched a thousand units (classic literature reference!), is now only $20 new. Cheap system, good for the kids to mess around with and keep occupied for a few hours right?

Oh yeah, totally. But you know what you aren’t going to enjoy? The crap-ton of savings that just went down the toilet because nephew Randy hurled that Wii remote straight through your new 46” HDTV. I’m pretty sure that the amount of financial damage, not to mention the punishment most parents would exact upon a child for such copious amounts of damage, would be enough to send any parent into a frenzy and classify Wii Sports as one of the world’s strongest rage fuels.

Family bonding: destroyed.

5. Rayman Origins

Speaking of the holidays, here’s an end-of-year release that’s actually on my personal wish list. I mean, look at it. It’s byoooooooteeful. And unlike the original Rayman games, which never expounded on Rayman’s… uh… origins, Rayman Origins actually flat-out tells us that our weird, floating-body-and-limbless Rayman was created by moonbeams being given life from the Nymphs as part of a prophecy. It’s cute, cartoony and silly, even when Rayman is being a little perv and giving his mom an upskirt.

Wait, what?

Yeah. In the announcement trailer for Origins, we see Rayman playfully giving the Nymph that has given him life – so, his mom – a blast of air from below to peek under her skirt. And even if that weren’t quite odd enough, people know what nymphs are, right? Like, you realize that someone who craves sex to a clinically significant degree is called a nymphomaniac? And though the sexual connotations are fairly recent, even the more nature-centered nymphs of the Greeks still engaged in the act. And when they mated with Poseidon, they gave birth to this. Huh. You know, by those standards, Rayman actually looks pretty normal.

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

I recently went to my local Gamestop and asked to pre-order Skyward Sword. The employee asked me, “OK, and which system did you want to pre-order Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword for?” I asked him to repeat the question, because I was sure he made a mistake. He did, and added, “Xbox 360 or PS3?” I blew up at him. I’m no longer allowed in the store. I feel like I won on principle.
-Anonymous

I’ve been going out with my girl for a year and a half now. For that year and a half I’ve been trying to get her to watch my favorite anime without success. Consequently, she’s been trying to get me to propose for the last year. The other night she watched Akira with me. Now we’re engaged.
-Anonymous

My greatest claim to fame is that I’ve seen my strategy for the Portuguese in Age of Empires III translated into three languages.
-Anonymous

I was sharing a shower with my girlfriend when she got water in her eyes. She said it was stinging. Rather than sympathize with her, I explained how that couldn’t be true because the pH would be roughly 7 after the various treatments water goes through. Then I told her about H+ and OH- ions and their effects on the pH of solutions. She wasn’t impressed to say the least.
-Padraig

We gamers like to kick off our booties after a rough nine-to-fiver, throw our legs up on our cinderblock table, pick up our controllers, and forget about the real world for just a few hours; to escape into a world where we’re epic heroes assigned with the daunting task of vanquishing pure evil.

But sometimes we open that creepy-looking Pandora’s Box and a springy “nuts in a can” snake pops out instead. We’re suddenly pulled out of the fantasy when we encounter a villain that splits our sides with laughter. Here’s our tribute to some of the most WTF characters in gaming.

6. Disco Kid (Punch-Out!!)

For a series that introduced me to a soda-pop addicted boxer, I shouldn’t have been surprised when Nintendo debuted this rather flamboyant opponent to the newest Punch Out!! game. But no amount of Rocky-esque training could prepare me for the Disco Kid. He was a perfect addition to Little Mac’s off kilter rogue gallery, but about as intimidating as Carlton Banks dressed in a sailor suit holding a giant lolly.

Over-the-top, jazzy catchphrases like “Wheeee! Eh, stretch!” and “I. Am. Fa-bu-lous!” don’t conjure up images of anyone close to resembling Ivan Drago. When this Chris Brown wannabe returns to claim his title, he makes a sparkly leap into the boxing ring sporting a full body spandex suit that would make Richard Simmons blush. At least King Hippo could take a punch with some dignity … the Disco Dandy just breathes out a whispy “eh!” This boxer wasn’t training in the off season by furiously punching slabs of meat, he was searching Groupon for hot yoga deals.

5. Wood Man (Mega Man 2)

Wait what? Wood Man? You’re kidding me, right, Doc Wy? This is only Mega Man 2 and you’re already scraping the bottom of the barrel for your futuristic robots of mayhem? If you were really struggling to come up with ideas, no one would blame you for making sh*t up. Hell, I still don’t know what Guts Man is, but I DO know that he’s got Olympian pectorals and the ability to hurl motherboard-crushing boulders. That’s enough to make me quiver in my over-sized robo-boots.

His costume isn’t even a full grown tree (those can be terrifying); it’s a stump. He shoots leaves. Leaves. Get it together, Doc. You can’t hope to take over Monsteropolis with robots like Wood Man. Hold up, are those blueprints for… a “Plant Man”? I give up.