Okay Ash. This is it. I'm finally going to defeat you in a pokemon battle!
I doubt it.
No, seriously. I've been training each pokemon in my line-up tirelessly, night and day just for this.
You wasted your time.
I don't think so! I finally have the perfect line-up!
Let's do it then.
Okay. Go Squirtle!
Whoa, whoa wait a second how the hell do you already have a Charizard?
Article Ash Blows Gary's Mind
We can't control everything in our lives, but I like to think the one thing that we can control is what kind of music will be played when our last guy is depleted and our own "Game Over" screen fades up. If I'm leaving this world, I'm leaving on my terms. These are the classic videogame jams I want blaring at my funeral.
8. Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts: "Haunted Graveyard"
I don't think it's too much to ask that some music be played over loud speakers in the parking lot while my guests are shuffling in. I went back and forth between this song and the Level 1 music from the NES Castlevania. Both have our heroes marching through a graveyard from the get-go and I really wanted to capture this experience. You can see why this was a tough choice.
However, the "Haunted Graveyard" came out on top because it comes off as a little more tongue-in-cheek. After all, I don't want to creep out my friends and family; I want to entertain them.
I just hope that no one accidentally runs into a hideous undead creature only to get knocked back five feet and lose their clothes before making it to the building. Being the only one at the funeral in your undies has to be pretty humiliating.
Article Issue #6May 31, 2011
Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to email@example.com!
I loved playing Bioshock, but it scared the hell out of me. When some of my friends discovered this, they started having Bioshock parties in which they would sit around and watch me play for comedy value as I involuntarily whimpered my way through the game. I allowed this to happen because I was often too scared to play it alone.-Anonymous
After beating Kingdom Hearts and collecting all the post-game things, I remember attempting the new Coliseum matches. I immediately gave up on Sephiroth, but I was constantly attempting to beat the Ice Titan. On one lucky fight, I managed to get his health down to a point where one more attack ought to have done it. I don't remember what I messed up, but suffice to say I died. I proceeded to cry and scream and I think I tried to throw my chair. My mom ended up taking the game away for several weeks. I never went back to that damn Coliseum.-Conor
A couple years ago, my family was preparing to go on a road trip. Not wanting me to be bored and annoying, they got me Final Fantasy Advance Tactics on my GBA. I hunkered down in the back seat and found myself hooked immediately, I played the whole 6 hour ride; then played well into the night at the hotel room, in fact I played so long that I fell asleep while playing. I woke up and my Gameboy had inevitably run out of battery and turned off. I hadn't saved the game since I hadn't planned on stopping. I broke down and cried in front of my whole family.-Anonymous
Pros: Napoleon gets points for being the only possible leader who could serve as a tactician and as comic relief. If a tiny yelling Frenchman in a feathery hat doesn't lighten the zombie apocalypse mood, nothing will. Plus his Oddjob stature may come in handy against zombies expecting delicious brains at zombie-arm height.
Cons: French generals don't have a sterling record against Nazis or zombies. Combining the two doesn't exactly bode well for your team.
Pros: If Fallout taught us anything, it's that Lincoln had a badass shotgun. If recent publishing trends have taught us anything else, it's that Lincoln was also a vampire hunter. If my history classes have taught me anything, it has yet to be applied in this article.
I also heard Lincoln had a cool hat which, as everyone knows, intimidates zombies to no end.
Cons: He's dangerously bullet-prone, and his tall and lanky figure probably looks delicious to zombies. And in a worst-case scenario, try explaining how you shot Zombie Lincoln: the most honest of all zombies.
Article Pwn My Life: Issue #77
Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.
I'm not a gamer, but read Dorkly via collegehumor. I drive open-wheel formula race cars, and I'm a driving instructor for new drivers. While quite adept at driving an actual race car, I was never able to make heads or tails of the sims and games. Some people do it well, but I'm not one of them.
New drivers are required by regulation to attend a driving school before a competition license can be issued. I had one guy as a student who was a huge gamer. He loved racing sims so much that he purchased an actual race car, fire gear, helmet, etc. in order to do it for real. He was very cautious through his school experience, a bit less aggressive than I would have preferred, but I figured he would work through it.
After finishing school, you are on a provisional license for two races. After that, you get your competition license. The gamer guy's first race weekend was at a race I was going to be at so I told him to look me up and I'd give him a few pointers. We went out for the first practice session which included different formula cars (formula atlantic, maybe 160-170 mph capable while we were 130-ish capable). About half way through the session I lapped him. Two laps later, I was going down a straightaway and got split (one car going by on each side) by a pair of formula atlantics. No big deal. Done it a million times.
I came in from the session and pulled the race car in. His car was already on the trailer. I got out of my car and told him to get the car off the trailer. Whatever broke, we could fix it. He told me the car was fine. I asked why his car is on the trailer. It turned out he was split by the same pair of atlantics. At the speed he was moving, they had a speed differential of probably 60 mph going by him on either side, about 2 feet from his head. He said "This is NOTHING like racing sims on the computer! I'm going home!" I replied, "Yeah, it's your ass out there. No reset on a race car."
He left. Haven't seen him since. It's been 6 years.-B
Playing L.A. Noire this week has reminded us of two things: 1) There is nothing more badass than a hard-boiled detective solving crimes while wearing a freshly pressed suit, and 2) The closest we'll ever get to being that cool is by playing videogames based on said characters. Besides, we look terrible in suits. But Rockstar was far from the first developers to put noir detective stories in an interactive context, so grab a fedora and pour yourself three fingers of rye as we take a look at our favorite noir videogames of all time.
We're initially skeptical of any adult whose preferred nickname involves numbers, but Suda51, the creator of No More Heroes and Killer7, has definitely won us over. His stylized, heavily Japanese take on the noir genre involves a man named Harman Smith whose unique (i.e. "made-up") form of split-personality disorder allows him to become one of seven different assassins, each with their own distinct talents and quirks. Without getting into detail about each assassin, I'll just leave you with the most important fact: in this game you can play as a Mexican Wrestler named MASK de Smith who just might have the ability to headbutt bullets. Despite its wild, cell-shaded visuals and the inclusion of a group of power-ranger ripoffs known simply as "The Handsome Men," Killer7 is an intense tale of conspiracy and betrayal that shows off videogames' unique ability to take a well-tread concept like film noir and expand it into new (and insane) areas of narrative.
- Henchman 1
Uh, hey guys? Who was that?
- Henchman 2
You mean that guy in the suit who just rampaged through our entire security force?
- Henchman 1
- Henchman 2
I don't know, but that was crazy.
- Henchman 3
Yeah he really shot up the place. It was like he literally had every gun known to man.
- Henchman 1
Did you guys see him pull that rocket launcher out of thin air?
- Henchman 2
Where was he keeping it?
The original Star Wars trilogy had a very distinctive beginning, middle, and end. How do you write about Luke Skywalker and keep it interesting when he's already saved Vader and crippled the Galactic Empire? Easy. You make up a sh*tload of characters and undo everything that made the series great. Here's our tribute to the Expanded Universe's biggest crimes against the franchise.
6. The Emperor Was Cloned
In The Movies: Vader's character arc crystallizes in a single moment. Inspired by his son's goodness and faith in him, Vader picks up the Emperor, the personification of corruption in both himself and the galaxy, and throws him into a conveniently-located bottomless shaft. That thing was just a lawsuit waiting to happen.
In The Expanded Universe: But wait what was that about clones? Ah, that's right. It turns out the Emperor has a whole ship full of younger hims, just waiting to spring into action if the old him ever died. (Why did he bother hanging out in that crippled old body in the first place? We don't know, but Space Viagra must be super effective.) Vader's final sacrifice, his ultimate act of defiance, now comes off as a minor annoyance. He might as well have stepped on the Emperor's robe while he was walking down the stairs.