Articles

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Article The Dorklyst: The 10 Sexiest Girls & Guys in Video Game History

By Sophie Prell / August 17, 2011


I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the chances of you meeting porn star Jenna Haze, supermodel Heidi Klum, or actress Eva Longoria to do the nasty in real life are slim to none. That's why we have pictures on the Internet and locks on our bedroom doors. But there is another upside to this fact we nerds can use to our advantage: if anyone thought your unhealthy obsession over that infamous Lara Croft nude hack made you creepy, feel free to point out that your chances of meeting the shapely Ms. Croft are just about the same as those mentioned above.

In other words, it's totally cool to fantasize about fictional people. And I'm gonna add some fuel to that fire of passion with this sultry list of sexy video game characters. Bow chicka wow wow!

5. (Women) Morrigan Aesland — Darkstalkers


Morrigan is a succubus. Okay? She's a succubus. For those that don't know, that means she's a demon whose entire purpose is to infiltrate dreams in the guise of a beautiful woman and have sex with sleeping men in order to steal their manpower (if you know what I mean) and make more demons. However, since, according to legend, demons are infertile, what they actually do is act as sexy tupperware for semen by carting it over to a sleeping human female, transforming into their male counterpart, the incubus, and impregnating them with the stolen sperm. Or they might not, and just give you the most terrifying nocturnal emission you've ever had.

Sadly, while Morrigan is one of the most sexually appealing characters in all of video game history with her come hither looks, sinfully good taste in clothing, and massive… uh, wings… her kind was basically the best excuse horny teenagers could come up with for why Mom found stains in the laundry. And despite the proliferation of hot succubi imagery that abounds on the Internet, classic artists pictured them more like this in their true form, and H.R. Giger envisioned Lilith, one of the first succubi, looking like this. Yeah, try to put that into a leotard.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article 7 More Star Wars Quotes That Would Have Saved The Empire

August 16, 2011


Filed Under   star wars

Article 6 Sports Games For People Who Don't Play Sports Games

By Andrew Bridgman / August 15, 2011


Filed Under   madden   sports

Article The Six Most Annoying Things Your Sibling Does When Playing Video Games

By bhoangful / August 12, 2011

6. Renting the Worst Games


When you have brothers and sisters, you learn the harsh lessons of sharing early-on. One of the harshest wasn't fighting over a beloved toy or our parents' affections, but was much, much worse: having to trade off who got to pick the video game at the rental store. This is the ultimate test of patience and humility to an eleven-year-old kid.

It would have been tolerable if my little brother picked out any decent games, but he was constantly picking out the worst of the worst, despite my constant reminders about his track-record of terrible choices. I'm talking like Back to the Future 2 & 3 bad. Or some terrible racing game like Indy 500 where he'd get a couple laps in, get bored and abandon it before we even saw a checkered flag.

Of course, I always picked the good games that we could both play. But the younger ones never really appreciate these gestures and sacrifices until you're much older.

5. Not Respecting the "Die or Pass a Level" Rule


Sometimes picking a single player game was inevitable. With games like Mega Man and Prince of Persia, we'd invoke the "Die or Pass a Level" Rule. It's pretty self-explanatory: if you die or pass a level, it's the other person's turn. Simple, balanced, fair.

Nothing steamed my broccoli more than when I'd come back from a quick bathroom break (usually caused by chugging one too many Yoshi Berry sodas) only to see something was seriously wrong. I could have sworn we had eight guys left. Didn't we? How do we only have seven now? Oh what the… did he use one of the Energy Tanks I was saving for when it was my turn!?

He was notorious for breaking this most sacred of doctrines. And I couldn't complain to the 'rents; I could only grin and bear it or risk having our video game privileges revoked for the rest of the weekend.

Filed Under   irl   lists

Article A Song of Ice and Sun Burns

By Kevin Corrigan / August 12, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

When I decided I was going to propose to my wife, I needed it to be unique and special. I proposed to her on the Elder Rise of Thunder Bluff in front of both of our WoW guilds. I faced her character, kneeled, opened a trade window and traded her a cubic zirconia ring. She said yes.-Mike

A couple months ago, someone broke into my car and stole a bunch of stuff. They took my video camera, my iPod, my dad's iPod and a bottle of cologne. Losing that stuff was a drag, but the thing that bothered me the most was that the thief didn't take a newly boarded issue of Uncanny X-Force and the first issue of Kick-ass. Why didn't he steal those? I'd steal those.-Colin

Many years ago I was involved in a LARP event. I took the role of a Minotaur. My girlfriend (now wife) body painted runes all over my chest, back, neck, face and arms. I spent five hours in sun and high altitude, with no shade. The sun burned me everywhere the body paint was not. I spent the next three months with inverse tanned-on rune tattoos.-Michael, the Tall

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Weekly IRL: 7 Nerdy License Plates

By Staff / August 11, 2011


Filed Under   the weekly irl   cars

Article The Dorklyst: 7 of the Greatest One-on-One Battles in Video Game History

By Mark Filipowich / August 10, 2011


All games need conflict. Most of the time the player's objective is blocked by several thousand faceless, nameless mooks throwing themselves in the path of danger with all the fervor of a headless chicken. But behind those mooks lies the antagonist, the figure that has been working against the hero all along. The best rivalry showdowns are between two solitary figures, foils of one another. These are the kinds of rivalries the player waits the entire game (or series) to settle once and for all. Here are some of the best one-on-one showdowns in gaming history.

7. Solid Snake vs. Liquid Snake in Metal Gear Solid


Cut from the same cloth—or rather, grown from the same Petri dish—Solid and Liquid are both clones of the same super-soldier. Liquid Snake was created from all the best aspects of the cold-war hero Big Boss, while Solid Snake was made from the inferior genes of the same man. However, because the American government couldn't justify keeping a soldier with such a sinister British accent on staff, Solid Snake became the series' hero, and the perfect-on-paper Liquid was kept from his birthright. Believing himself to be the genetically weak twin, Liquid's inferiority complex drives him to do what any of us would, take over a secret Alaskan military base and hijack a doomsday device.

Snake (the solid one) must wind his way through Liquid's facility, defeat an animal-themed squad of super soldiers and disarm Metal Gear, a nuclear-powered robot T-Rex (did I mention this was a Japanese game?). But before Snake can hang up his skin-tight rubber jumpsuit and call it a night, the two rivals settle their dispute the way they both knew they inevitably had to: a man-to-man fist-fight on the head of a metallic dinosaur's corpse. Never change, Japan.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Player 2 Injury Attorney Ad

By Daniel Abromowitz / August 8, 2011

Filed Under   ad

Article 5 More Impractical Ideas For Bioshock Cities

By Patrick Cassels / August 5, 2011

Filed Under   bioshock

Article Pwn Up: Issue #87

By Kevin Corrigan / August 5, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

One of my best friends got engaged recently. Yesterday I got a Pokeball in the mail. There was a message on the outside. It said, "I Choose You…" On the inside was another message, "…to be my best man!" Of course I said yes.-Pook

When I was 8-years-old, I called the Nintendo hotline to find out how to beat the final boss of a game. The game had just been released. They didn't know. Ten minutes later I called them back to tell them how to do it. They were not interested. They told me to write a letter to Nintendo Power.-Anonymous

The only reason I bought a kindle was so that I can read my Star Wars extended universe books in public without people seeing and harassing me.-Al Z.

My wife and I had a videogame-themed wedding. Our cakes were Mr. and Mrs. Pac-Man cheesecakes with cupcakes in between them as power pellets. We cut the cake to "Still Alive." Our officiant sprinkled in references about us leveling up together and overcoming random encounters. My wife walked down the aisle to a Final Fantasy song. She even crafted the Mario piranha plants and fireflowers for us to decorate with. The best part? It was her idea.-Tim R.

Filed Under   pwn my life