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Article Pwn My Life: Issue #12

July 15, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I quit World of Warcraft on April 22nd (shortly after I got Monster Hunter Tri) by putting an authenticator on my account and smashing the shit out of it so it wouldn't generate a code anymore, therefor rendering the account useless. I had eight level 80 characters, four of which were quite well geared for raiding. I was done for good, until I made a new account on June 24th, and leveled a warrior to 80 in under a week.-Paul

A couple years ago I was over at my girlfriend's house, she told me she was going to take a shower and dropped some not-so-subtle hints that she wanted me to join. I passed on that opportunity to watch an episode of the original Voltron series. It was a good one. After the show was over, she came back into the living room quite upset after a long, long shower.-DW

After being shot and killed during an all night marathon of pwning noobs online in Socom II: US Navy Seals, I got so mad that I smashed my hand down on the arm of my chair. There was a searing pain in my wrist and a doctor visit later revealed that I had fractured the bone. I spent the next week telling everyone at school that I broke my arm skateboarding.-Matt

I was so mad at M. Night Shyamalan over his Avatar movie that I wrote him two letters. One about how much I hated that he changed Aangs name, and another about why firebenders don't need a source of fire to firebend.-Alec

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pokemon Creationist

July 14, 2010

Article Ganon's Henchmen Speak Up

July 14, 2010
  1. Ganon

    OK. No further new business so I'll open this meeting to public forum.

  2. Helmasaur

    I have a question. So, as you know, I was born with this green crystal in the middle of my head. It's the only part of my body that's not impervious to damage. It's why I wear this helmet.

  3. Ganon

    Of course. I built that helmet. It's a masterpiece of craftsmanship. It can only be cracked by the most magical of hammers.

  4. Helmasaur

    That's what I wanted to talk about. You keep a magic hammer in the Palace of Darkness, which is the palace I'm assigned to. I feel like maybe you could keep it in the Swamp of evil, or even throw it in the Lake of Ill Omen…

  5. Ganon

    Relax. Helmasaur, you have nothing to worry about. That hammer is locked in a special treasure chest that can only be opened by one key.

  6. Helmasaur

    Right, but that key is in my dungeon, too. It's in a treasure chest that can be opened by any key. And once you have that, all you have to do is find your way through a dark room to get the hammer.

  7. Ganon

    It hasn't been a problem yet.

  8. Helmasaur

    No one has attacked us yet. I'm just saying, maybe I should guard the hammer, or the key, or both.

  9. Ganon

    You're guarding one of the seven maidens. You have enough to worry about.

  10. Helmasaur

    OK, but why have that other stuff in there at all? And why do I need to stay in the most remote room in the dungeon? It would make more sense if I waited by the entrance and killed anyone who entered.

Filed Under   zelda   conversations   link   ganon

Article Videogame Characters Are Getting Old

July 13, 2010

Filed Under   lara croft   kirby   mario   irl

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #8

July 13, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

Me and a group from work were playing Halo 3 Death match together. While we're playing talking as normal, we suddenly hear a really loud whining noise cutting in and out. Suddenly we hear "MA! STOP VACUUMING THE RUG!!". He's 29.-John
"Man, you're laggin' like a filibuster."-Alex
While playing CoD4, I pointed out to a guy that he sounded exactly like Hank Hill from King of the Hill, and I mean exactly. He then spent the next several games going off about Propane and Propane accessories and yelling out things so dead on I almost died laughing. You could always tell when he got shot because he would start with "Damn it Peggy!" And then go off on a rant for several minutes that always ended up about Propane.-Stephen H.
I was once playing COD4 cage match against some 12 year old kid that kept declaring that he was going to 'destroy me' in the fight. Naturally, as a d-bag 10th prestige, I figured I would decimate this kid so I just let him talk. After I got 9 kills on this kid, he threw a random grenade and killed me and stated "Oh yeah, You don't mess with the best". And proceeded to say that until the end of the game. I then set my schedule around following that kid into matches shooting him in the face and then saying "Don't mess with the best."-Kerch
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article The 6 Weirdest Tie-in Videogames

July 12, 2010

1. Chester Cheetah: Too Cool To Fool/Wild Wild Quest

Chester Cheetah was part of the rash of 80's/90's "EXTREME" mascots that tried to teach kids that the only way to be cool was to wear shades all the time, eat terrible junk food and say rad catchphrases like "It ain't easy bein' cheesy!" No kidding! Especially when there is zero actual cheese in your product. But "It ain't easy being orange powdery" didn't have the same bite.

The games were more or less what you'd expect from a Chester Cheetah game: a standard platformer. Chester contended with BODACIOUS skateboarders and GNARLY scorpions, utilizing the SUPERBLY CHEESY taste of Cheetos to give him the energy to ride a ROCKIN' motorcycle for some reason and fight bad dudes. You do have to wonder – did Cheetos know gamers at all? Did they really think they needed videogames to remind them to eat Cheetos? The gamer food pyramid consists of nothing but Cheetos and Mountain Dew: Code Red as it is.

WEIRD FACT: There were two Chester Cheetah games. America, for shame.

2. Cool Spot

Speaking of "extreme" mascots who wore shades all the time…I humbly present to you, Cool Spot. Probably one of the least imaginative mascots ever, Cool Spot was a red circle with arms and legs and, naturally, some sweet shades. He was only slightly more entertaining than Orlando Jones naively shouting "UP YOURS" to citrus pop-loving folk.

Shockingly, this game was pretty entertaining despite being about a red dot grabbing 7-Up soda bubbles on a beach. Still, I think we can all agree that a "Heads Up, 7-Up" game would have been roughly 100x better.

WEIRD FACT: 7-Up's motto at the time of the game was "Uncola" – which was Spanish for "We need to think of a new motto, Jerry."

Article Crisis in Donkey Kong Country

July 12, 2010
  1. Donkey Kong breaks open a barrel containing Diddy Kong. Diddy falls out, dazed.

  2. Donkey

    Diddy! Are you all right?

  3. Diddy

    (rubbing his head) Jeez… what happened?

  4. Donkey

    King K. Rool has stolen all of our bananas! The entire hoard's gone!

  5. Diddy

    No! God, no…

  6. Donkey

    I know. So we've got to get them back. Luckily he left a trail of perpetually spinning bananas that lead to his hideout.

  7. Diddy

    All right, let's — hey, wait. Perpetually spinning bananas?

  8. Donkey

    Yeah. Look.

  9. They both look at a nearby line of three bananas, each one spinning in the air.

  10. Donkey

    Oh, also, all the spinning bananas hover.

  11. Diddy

    Jesus… And there's a trail of these? All the way to his hideout? The one in that boat that's miles away?

  12. Donkey

    Yeah. A trail of thousands of hovering, spinning bananas. So?

Filed Under   conversations   donkey kong

Article 5 Examples of Gamers Being Awesome on Facebook

July 9, 2010
Filed Under   facebook   gamers

Article The Weekly IRL: Videogame Street Art

July 9, 2010

Have a submission for next week's issue? Send pictures to weeklyirl at gmail. Next Issue: Gamer Girl Tattoos.

Filed Under   the weekly irl   art

Article 10 Famous Lines From Videogame Literature

July 8, 2010
Filed Under   starfox   zelda   literature