Articles

1. Mayor Haggar

   Good afternoon. Lets just get in to it. First question; Daily Reporter.

2. REPORTER

   Hi, yeah, Mayor Haggar, why are you not wearing a shirt?

3. Mayor Haggar

   Because I wasn't born wearing a shirt, and I'll die not wearing one. Next question, from the Sun Times.

4. TIMES

   Don't you think you should wear a shirt to a press conference?

5. Mayor Haggar

   Oh, THANK YOU, Clinton Kelly! No, I don't. My exploding pecs and rugged core will make the scum of our town behave the same way teenagers do at Confession – cowering fear, and occasional soiled pants.

6. TIMES

   Isn't that what the police force is for?

7. Mayor Haggar

   Excellent question, nerd, which brings me to my main topic – effective immediately, I'm disbanding the city's police force.

8. TIMES

   WHAT? WHY?

9. Mayor Haggar

   Much like the producers of Dukes of Hazzard, I have a better group that can accomplish the same goal. Unlike the producers of Dukes of Hazzard, this plan will work. So from here on out, the criminal element will be handled by me and these two teenagers. Guy and Cody, come on out!

10. Cody and Guy walk on stage. The press is in a flurry.

11. POST

    Sir, from the Post. What makes these guys better than an entire police force?

12. Mayor Haggar

    They're good at karate.

13. POST

    That's it? They're good at karate?

1. Inspector Gadget

This guy loves all the bits and pieces associated with gaming. He actually bought the Nintendo Power Glove and the Virtual Boy. He has Rumble Paks on his Rumble Paks. Maybe he just really likes Nintendo… No wait, there's a stack of every color of PlayStation memory card ever made. He always shows up with his own controller in pristine condition, and you laughed at him when he brought over the Master Chief helmet that came with the Legendary edition of Halo 3, because it's tiny and you can't actually wear it. Then he used it to build a scale model that actually fit, and you were kind of jealous.

2. Freak of Nature

Ok, I thought pot made your reaction time slower. I thought being on the phone while doing stuff made you less skillful. I thought having played the game before would give me some kind of advantage. Yet here you are, high as a kite, talking on the phone with your girlfriend, never having played this game before, and beating the crap out of me. I don't know whether to salute you or cut you up into little pieces and hide them in the CD tray.

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

Once while I was playing GTA4, there was this epic gun battle going on in the landing strip area of the Liberty City Airport. I was doing OK, but this one guy was on fire! Getting kills left and right, I heard him proclaim – "Mothaf*cka, I'm about to come up in yo' crib and help myself to yo' Frooty Pebbles."-Evan

I was playing Halo and there was some little kid having some sort of grunting match with his (male) friend and his mic on so I asked him if he was gay and he said "I'm not gay. I'm twelve."-John

"I'm gonna take a huge sh*t, put it in the freezer, wait 4-6 hours, take it out, sharpen it and stab you with it!" That's what a guy said to me during an Invasion game in Halo Reach.-Rodrigo

Gamers love a good challenge. Unless it involves an underwater level. Or a mine cart. Or pretty much anything from Mega Man 9. Come to think of it, gamers are frustrated by a lot of things. Here's a tribute to the levels that made us collectively break our controllers.

1. Battle Toads: Turbo Tunnel

The most annoying level of the Citizen Kane of near-impossible video games, the BattleToads speederbike level, is the reason why the Game Genie and adderall were invented. Nothing short of John Nash-like spatial recognition is enough, as even thousands of plays can still leave the most talented gamers in the fetal position. What sets it apart from other classic video games, and what is perhaps its most annoying quality, is that years later it still retains the same level of difficulty it had when you were 9.

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I met a lovely young lady recently who is a bit of a workaholic. She's gorgeous and everything I can imagine in a woman. Too bad her only day off is Wednesday. Wednesday is D&D night. I told her it wasn't going to work. I might die alone, but at least my level 19 rogue is badass.-Janus

I learned to read by playing Pokemon Red.-Ian

My friend and I were playing basketball on Xbox 360. He was winning. At the last second I came from behind and beat him. I was so excited that I jumped up and screamed as loud as I could. When I sat down my groin hurt. I had given myself a hernia.-Bobby

I once spent three days convincing a guy that Batman could beat up Buffy, only for him to turn to me and say "I don't care anymore. You win!" Mission accomplished.-Rich

1. Marine 1

   Did you hear the announcement? We're being reassigned.

2. Marine 2

   What? That's great news! Maybe now we'll finally see some action!

3. Marine 1

   We're being reassigned… to Master Chief's unit.

4. Marine 2

   Oh. Oh, no.

5. Marine 1

   I know.

6. Marine 2

   Are… are we being punished? Did we do something wrong?

7. Marine 1

   Sarge told me it was an honor. An honor.

8. Marine 2

   That bastard.

9. Marine 3 enters

10. Marine 3

    Hey guys, did you hear the news? We're going to be in the 254th Spartan Support Unit! We get to meet Master Chief! Holy cow, I gotta go call my mom!

11. Marine 1

    He doesn't know.

12. Marine 2

    Marine, have you ever met anyone from a Spartan Support Unit?

13. Marine 3

    No! That's what makes it so exciting!

14. Marine 1

    Don't you find that strange? There have been 253 of them.

15. Marine 2

    That's over a thousand men, Marine. All dead. Every. Last. One.