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Article The Dorklyst: The 13 Most Annoying Characters From Final Fantasy Games

July 21, 2010

Final Fantasy games are story-driven with many hours of gameplay, meaning you really get to know the characters. Sometimes that's a good thing. Other times? Not so much. Here's our tribute to the 13 characters that made us want to jump off a Mako Reactor.

1. Yuffie Kisaragi (Final Fantasy VII)

No Final Fantasy party is complete without an annoying, hyperactive teenager. But unlike your other spunky companions, Yuffie isn't content with merely giggling and offering up the occasional idiotic quip: She'd rather steal all of your material, leaving you without magic for an entire section of the game. The worst part? Yuffie's a secret character, so you have to do extra work just to have her screw you over. Sephiroth himself probably did less damage to the party, and he straight up murdered one of the main characters.

2. Gau (Final Fantasy VI)

Inside the Square Offices:-"Mr. Kitase! I created a new character for FFVI. He's a wild boy who adds nothing the game's central plot, speaks like Tarzan with a developmental disability, can't equip weapons, and doesn't have an "attack" command. In fact, his only real option in battle is "Rage," which makes him use the same move over and over again no matter what the player wants him to do."-"You're fired."-"Yeah, I kind of realized that halfway through."

Filed Under   final fantasy

Article Ash's Ark

July 21, 2010
  1. God

    Hey you, kid!

  2. Ash

    Oh man. What are you, some kind of beard-type Pokemon?

  3. God

    No. I'm God. And I need you to build an Ark, and put within it two of every Pokemon.

  4. Ash

    What? Why?

  5. God

    Because I must flood the Earth for some reason. Maybe to kill all sinners? Yeah. That's it.

  6. Ash

    But…you're God. Why don't you just specifically kill all of the bad people and not drown everyone? Wouldn't that make more sense?

  7. God

    No. That would take forever to figure out. This is way simpler.

  8. Ash

    Do you have any idea how hard it is to capture ONE of every Pokemon, let alone two? I mean, I don't think there even are two Mewtwo's.

  9. God

    C'mon, kid. How hard could it be?

  10. 151 pairs of Pokemon later…

  11. Ash

    Okay – it took forever, and I technically had to cut Articuno in half, but I think I caught 'em all.

  12. God

    Oh. Just 151 pairs?

  13. Ash

    Yes…that's all there are.

  14. God

    So….I'm guessing you didn't get my memo…

Filed Under   conversations   ash

Article Mario Can't Go Left

July 20, 2010

Filed Under   nintendo   mario

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #9

July 20, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.
Was playing MW2 when I heard a guy in the background of another games mic saying "Dude, hurry the f*ck up! Your wedding's in 30 mins. So about 25 mins later, I was curious and added his gamer tag, he accepted, and I joined his game. Apparently the wedding was delayed due to some weird claim, and he's now on a killing streak, with every kill he says, "with how many kills I make today is how many chicks I'm going to bang a month, since my bitch wife isn't going to game with me. One of the reasons I married her too."-Arv S.
While playing COD 4 there was this really annoying little kid who was really pissing everyone off. He began to talk about how he was going to rape everyone and their mothers. Everyone was trying to get the kid angry but nothing seemed to work. I then asked the kid if he even knew what rape was. The line was then silent for a few moments until the kid then said "SHUT UP I HATE YOU!' and then left the game. -Kris S.
After he found out I'm from South Africa, a British teenager asked mewhether District 9 was real.-Hadlee
During a game of Search and Destroy on MW2 I was cussed out by an angry 12 year old child. This was followed by the kid talking to his mom with his mike still on. "Mom! I don't want crust on my pb&j!"-Chris B.
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article 7 Lame Follow-ups to Famous Games

July 19, 2010

In "Grand Theft Auto: Car Salesman" you control a corpulent and aging Niko Bellic. After serving 25 years in prison for killing a prostitute with the skull of another prostitute- you use your underground connections and mild alcoholism to run a failing car dealership. Try and convince customers that your break pads are "totally fine," (they aren't). Take the L-train home and use button combos to microwave dinners-for-one. Tap "A" to fall asleep while watching "NCIS". Use your Blackberry to make sure you don't miss your prostate exam.

Filed Under   call of duty   mortal kombat   gta

Article Smash Bros. Counseling

July 19, 2010
  1. Fox

    I'd like to thank you all for coming to this group counseling today.

  2. Ness

    PK fire!

  3. Fox

    That's not constructive Ness. Ok so the first order of business is—

  4. Ness

    PK fire!

  5. Fox

    Shut up Ness!

  6. Metal Mario enters.

  7. Metal Mario

    Ah you started without me!

  8. Fox

    We waited an extra twenty minutes.

  9. Metal Mario

    You know it takes be a long time to get places.

  10. Samus

    Hey man, you're not even a playable character.

  11. Metal Mario

    If you beat the game in single player mode in less than twenty minutes on really hard without losing a life. . .

  12. Yoshi

    For the last time, that's not true.

  13. Captain Falcon

    There's a single player mode to this game?

Filed Under   smash bros   conversations

Article The 7 Stages of Playing Against a Girl on XBox Live

July 16, 2010

1) Shock and Denial

This is shocking news, no two ways about it. You always thought girl gamers were a myth, like beating Tetris or regular hygiene. It's only natural to have difficulty coping. Take deep breaths and try to focus on the game if you can. Things may spiral out of control. You may say things like "you're just saying that to cover up your high pitched pre-pubescent voice" or "No girls play video games." You'll try to ignore it but she'll insist that she's female, bringing out…

2) Anger

Now you've processed it, but you're still a little confused. And that makes you frustrated. And when that affects your kill-spread? Now you're angry. You can't deal with it; you may lash out, demanding she make you a sandwich. It's normal to start swearing, just like you always do, really. The game becomes a battleground for your anger. You may use your headset, for evil, as opposed to good (mocking n00bz). You'll keep dropping in headshots and teabagging her corpse. That's what she gets! You're not psychotic; it's only virtual!

Filed Under   girls

Article The Mod Squad: Issue #6

July 16, 2010

Do you have an awesome gaming set-up or system mod? Send a picture to dorklymod at gmail.

Filed Under   the mod squad

Article Polite Street Fighter

July 15, 2010

Filed Under   street fighter

Article The Weekly IRL: Gamer Girl Tattoos

July 15, 2010

Have a submission for next week's issue? Send pictures to weeklyirl at gmail. Next Issue: Gamer Wedding Cakes.

Filed Under   girls   the weekly irl   tattoos