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Article 5 Rejected Zelda Temples

August 3, 2010

1. MC Escher Temple

In an attempt to corner the surrealist art demographic, the game developers used nonsensical perspective and impossible architecture to construct this Escher inspired level. While the idea was ultimately a failure, it was still better than the proposed Salvador Dali Temple.
Most Frustrating Part: The "Relativity" Room is a scale accurate version of Escher's most famous work with stairs seemingly traveling every which way. While it's interesting in the painting, in the game it is nearly impossible without the Hover Boots, which are located at the top of a diagonal staircase that connects to a floor both higher and lower than where it starts.

2. The Herb Temple

This temple involves a lot of Link sitting around watching the Nature Channel. The special item in this temple is the double fudge brownie arrows, which serve no real purpose other than being, according to the developers, "like the best things in the world." The reason this temple never made the final cut is because Link learns "Freebird" in its entirety on his ocarina (including the developers singing along with the solo) without going through the proper channels to license the song. When the player finishes the song, the Dominos delivery man magically shows up.
Hardest Part: In the 3D Doritos Room, Link must confront Dark Link, but instead of an epic battle, the two spend twenty minutes looking at their hands and talking about how, like, cool hands are.
Filed Under   zelda

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #11

August 3, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

I was at my friends house playing Halo 3 and this one kid in our game couldn't play because he didn't have the mythic map pack, so he asked how to get it. And this other kid said "OK, what you do is you get your Xbox, put in Halo 3, and Shake it!" Then the 12 year old kid disconnected and never joined back in the party.-Cooper
I was playing MW2 a few days after my girlfriend had broken up with me.  I was pretty down in the dumps at the time. After destroying a team in TDM, my opponents all got on the mic and started talking some SERIOUS sh*t to me. Instead of ignoring it or talking sh*t back, I decided to throw them a curveball for fun, saying, "Honestly, compared to everything else going on in my life, having people talk sh*t to me is no big deal."  After a brief silence, one of the guys who had been harassing me said jokingly, "Do you want to talk about it?" The whole lobby, including myself erupted in laughter.-Nick
My (very rude) cousin was over at my house, and he had no problem making himself feel at home and play my 360 without my permission. He went on doing stupid things like friending someone I don't know. Later that day, I was sitting at the table minding my own business when from the other room I hear, "What? My voice sounds like your sister's? It's cuz I make out with her so much!"-Flippy
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Videogame Yearbook

August 2, 2010

Filed Under   mario   link   luigi

Article What a Zerg Rush Really Sounds Like

August 2, 2010
  1. The egg bursts open- the larvae is now a terrifying zergling, ready to do the bidding of the Hivemind.

  2. Zergling 1

    Oh God that was gross.

  3. Zergling 2

    Yea… By the way, some things happened back in the egg-

  4. Zergling 1

    Lets just forget about it, k?

  5. Zergling 2

    Yea… but it was good for you right?

  6. Zergling 1

    Gary, I thought we said-

  7. An ancient voice from an unseen presence reaches the 6 zerglings.

  8. Hivemind

    Ok, that's enough. Too long have we waited in the shadows- plotting our return has taken millennia and now we are ready. Now we will sweep over this planet in an awesome pestilence. The evolution is complete and now we can- where's the sixth of you?

  9. Zergling 3

    He said he "required more vespene gas" and then he just kind of ran off.

  10. Zergling 6 stumbles in and collapses on the creep- muttering about Robot-Chicken, peanut butter and Pringles.

  11. Hivemind

    Christ… Ok just attack.

  12. Zergling 2

    Ok, I can get behind that-

  13. Hivemind


  14. Zergling 1

    Right, now?

  15. Hivemind

    Are you questioning the Hivemind?

  16. Zergling 6

    Don't you question that Hivemind!

  17. Zergling 1

    Why do you always pretend to be Tyler Perry's Madea when you get high?

  18. Hivemind

    I don't see any rushing… this is a 'zerg-rush' you know.

  19. Zergling 2

    No, we just thought… well sir-

Filed Under   starcraft   conversations

Article 5 Console Features You'll Never See

July 30, 2010

Filed Under   playstation   ds   wii   xbox   psp

Article Mortal Kombat Hipsters

July 29, 2010

Filed Under   mortal kombat   hipsters

Article The Weekly IRL: Animals Playing Videogames (Kinda)

July 29, 2010

Have a submission for next week's issue? Send pictures to weeklyirl at gmail. Next Issue: Terrible Translations.

Filed Under   animals   cute   the weekly irl

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #16

July 29, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

A good friend of mine just got married. He had Song of Storms from Ocarina of Time playing when the bride's maids and the groomsmen entered. It was incredible.-Magnus

I told my niece the plot of Final Fantasy VII as a fairy tale, split into 14 nights. She cried when Sephi killed Aerith.-Dave (who also cried when Sephi killed Aerith)

I used to play EverQuest and was pretty good. I was in a top guild and considered to be among the best of my class. One night I ordered a pizza, and the delivery guy noticed my computer screen. He played too, and started asking me about EQ and my character. I told him who my character was expecting a good reaction, or at least some recognition. Instead, his face stayed blank and he started telling me about his character. I got fairly upset.-Anonymous

When I was 13, I had a Super Mario Bros. 3 emulator from which I print-screened every single character, object, and background into MS Paint. Then, I'd spend my time pasting together my own carefully designed kick-ass dream levels.-Tony

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Videogame WebMD

July 28, 2010

Filed Under   mario   webmd

Article In the Stands at the Wii Tennis Court

July 28, 2010
  1. Spectator #1

    So, who's playing today?

  2. Spectator #2

    Looks like a pair of identical twins against a different pair of identical twins.

  3. Spectator #1

    Huh. What are the odds, right?

  4. Spectator #2

    Pretty high, actually. I've been watching these matches for years, and it's mostly twins playing against twins.

  5. Spectator #1

    Whoa! Did you see that?

  6. Spectator #2


  7. Spectator #1

    Each set of twins is swinging in unison! It's… kind of creepy.

  8. Spectator #2

    Well, you know. Tennis is a creepy sport, right?

  9. Spectator #1

    …Maybe. Jeez, these guys aren't very good.

  10. The balls flies into the stands.

  11. Spectator #1

    I mean, what was that?

  12. Spectator #2

    Oh, that's this team's signature play. When the ball's headed to their side, they both swing at the same time, but the front guy misses, so when it gets to the back guy he's still recovering from that first swing and he just kind of flails around wildly. He generally either hits the ball into the stands or misses completely.

Filed Under   conversations   wii