Article Pwn My Life: Issue #29September 16, 2010
Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.
I started playing Magic: the Gathering to quit smoking cigarettes. Every time I have the urge to buy cigarettes, I buy a booster pack instead. It's working.-Karl
My girlfriend and I's six month anniversary was the same day that Halo Reach came out. I acted progressively sicker leading up to it, so it'd be more believable when I told her I'd have to stay home on our anniversary.-Sam
I'm currently deciding between learning Klingon or Quenya (LOTR's elvish). I'll probably learn them both, but I can't decide which one to learn first.-Lenin
While working in the Home Depot garden department, a woman with a thick accent asked me where she could find squirrel killer. Her accent was so thick that I heard Squirtle killer. I sent her to electrical.-Zak
In honor of Halo Reach's release this week, Dorkly would like to take this time to recognize excellence in Halo viral videos. From in-game stunts, to pranks and gamer freakouts, Master Chief has provided the Internet with hours of quality entertainment. Without further ado, here's our tribute to the titans of teabagging.
People like this are the reason the mute function was invented. Well, them and racist, pre-pubescent rich kids. As annoying as he may be, you almost have to respect his dedication to the game. You know someone really wants to win if they're willing to waste their time and voice shouting directions at total strangers regardless of whether or not they're even listening. Not to mention the amount of money he has to spend to support his lifestyle. Xbox Live is about $45 a yearand that's not even including the cost of replacement microphones and throat lozenges.
You've gotten a double kill before, but did you bat a manned tank into an enemy space marine using only a hammer? Didn't think so. This guy is about as cool as an Xbox Live player can get. And as an Xbox Live player myself, I can safely say .that the bar is actually set pretty low. Sigh.
Many people don't realize that the whole sub-prime mortgage crisis-or-other has impacted not just our RL friends, but our videogame friends as well. But no need to worry! Simply buff them with some knowledge of these five important factors, and their quest for a new home might not need to be so epic after all.
5. Security: In these crazy worlds of evil spirits, crafty assassins and rogue macho space marines, security has to remain a priority when looking for a new home. While a fake wall that may deceive a four-year-old may seem like it's good enough, you might want to spare a few extra rupees to hire some security henchmen or at least get a super to fill in those cracks.
4. Neighborhood: Now just because you lost your castle on a hill or towering fortress doesn't mean you have to settle for the slums. Bad neighborhoods attract the thieves, crossdressers and those stoner Koopa kids. Picking a good neighborhood on the other hand, will result in trusty Italian plumbers busting their ass for you and more fruit for your green pet androgynous dinosaurs than you know what to do with.
Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #17September 14, 2010
Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.
OK, so I was playing a Team Slayer match on Halo 3. Every once in a while, I could hear someone saying "Nice job!" And after could hear a baby laughing. I asked what he was doing and who he was talking to, and he said, "I'm teaching my 2 year old how to play." This 2 year old beat us all with 24 kills.-Phillip
In the lobby of a Halo 3 matchThe game is about to begin and I hear one opponent say, "Dude hurry up, the match is about to start."Â His friend on another account responds, "Don't worry I'm peeing out the window, almost done."-Cody
A few weeks ago my roommate and I were playing MW2 on PSN. We joined a game and the first thing we hear is a pre-pubescent African American boy telling another player that, "even though my balls ain't dropped, they still bigger than yours!" We laughed and encouraged him as he continued to tear the other guy apart with language that would make a construction worker blush. Right before the game started the object of our taunts told us to "F**K OFF," and dropped out. After that, the kid sang "Oops, I did it Again," for the entire match. I would adopt him if I could.-Drew
"You're such a sexy piece of foreskin!" -Jake