Articles

(Page 107)

Article Donkey Kong and Pauline Move in Together

September 29, 2010
  1. DK

    If I throw one more barrel right now…

  2. Pauline

    I can't bear to watch!

  3. DK

    And. . . Got 'em! BAM. Game over.

  4. Pauline

    AHHHHH!

  5. DK

    Well that's the end of Mario.

  6. Pauline

    I guess you're right. Time to move on. OK, so let's get out of this terrible place and go to your house.

  7. DK

    This is my house.

  8. Pauline

    Really?

  9. DK

    You like it?

  10. Pauline

    You put flaming barrels of oil on the ground floor.

  11. DK

    It's called mood lighting.

  12. Pauline

    And I see you have really gone for the "red I-beam" construction look.

  13. DK

    I think it really opens the place up.

Filed Under   conversations   donkey kong

Article 6 Mario Worlds and Their Real World Equivalents

September 28, 2010


Filed Under   mario

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #19

September 28, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

The funniest thing I ever heard on Xbox live was while playing a MW1 match. I got into this game with a bunch of kids who were 12-14, all in the same clan and had all top prestige. I ended up playing well and was destroying them. After the match, one kid, I guess the leader, called me out to 1v1 him in a match. Considering I was already late to go out, I said I couldn't and he starting calling me out and what not. I then replied, "I'll 1v1 your mom, and he replied "Good, my mom is actually good at this game." Then in the background you hear "Mom, some kid wants to 1v1 you," the entire lobby just burst out in laughter, and the kid left.-Troy
Some dude on Modern Warfare 2, talking to another kid"So what I'm saying is, my threesome was with a solid 7, then maybe a 2. Does that mean I got with a single 9 or?"Other kid: "No man, you average it. So really you got with like a 4.5."-Justin
From a ten or eleven year old, during a Gears of War match"You're a douche-bag. You're a bag full of douches."-Dave
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article 5 Types of Gamer Cliques

September 28, 2010

We all know this guy. For one thing, he is a guy, and in case that was not apparent to you he's going to prove how much of a guy he is by playing only the most testosterone driven games. First Person Shooters (or as he might say, games where you shoot stuff), Sports games (by which he means Madden Football, and probably not FIFA Futball), and Racing games (not included in the Sports genre because this is the game where he goes to "pimp" his virtual "ride," which has little to do with Football). The covers of his game collection proudly display Tiger Woods, Drew Brees, or some other noteworthy athlete who got famous enough to hock his or her (but not really her) own game. When he's not virtually dribbling the golfball down the rink (I…I don't know sports games…) he's most likely either teabagging noobs in Halo, or pulling 360 no-scopes in Call Of Duty.

We all like the classics. Show me a gamer who hasn't pulled out their N64 and blazed through Zelda or Mario in the past six months, and I'll show you a picture of me and my girlfriend (the joke is that neither exists). The problem with these people is not that they like bitchin-sweet old-school games that defined an entire generation's childhood experience, it's that they fetishize these games into perverse cultural and aesthetic objects that then turn the memory of playing these games as a child into some sort of 1960's, subversive, counter-culture exercise; like doing acid or having kinky, unprotected sex to protest a war. They claim that modern games just don't capture the "spirit" of classics like Pac-man or Donkey Kong Country, which is presumably the same "spirit" that keeps them from contributing anything to society.
Filed Under   gamers   lists

Article Videogame Protagonists Team Up

September 27, 2010
  1. Mario

    Okay everyone, let's-a sit down. Now we all know-a why we're here. We're-a getting sick of fighting like a thousand enemies apiece with-a no help.

  2. Sonic

    He's right, it sucks. It's even worse for those of us who can only be hit one time. We need to group together and sweep through everything, one world at a time.

  3. Tails

    But Sonic, you already have help-

  4. Sonic

    (angry whisper) Dammit Tails, how many times to I have to tell you, you speak when spoken to.

  5. Mario

    Okay, each of us has-a skills that will come in handy for the group.

  6. Master Chief

    I can get behind the wheel of literally any vehicle and pilot it with ease. You need a wheelman, I'm your guy.

  7. Sonic

    I can run really fast. I could scout for the group.

  8. Mega Man

    I'm a pretty good tinkerer. I can make something useful out of what's basically scraps from destroyed robots, so I could do gadgets.

  9. Sam Fisher

    I have a knack for getting into places unnoticed. I could gather intel, or sabotage a place.

Filed Under   conversations   mario

Article Gamebook: Mario Can't Take a Joke

September 24, 2010
Filed Under   facebook   mario   luigi   gamebook

Article The Weekly IRL: Best Of "I'm From The Internet" Meme

September 23, 2010

Filed Under   the weekly irl   memes

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #31

September 23, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

Back in sixth grade I wasn't exactly a social butterfly, so I used to pretend my school was the Jedi academy and the other kids wouldn't talk to me because they were jealous of my extremely high Midichlorian count.-Joey

I was on a spring break road trip to California with a bunch of friends the day Pokemon SoulSilver was released. I made them stop halfway through the desert to find the nearest Gamestop so I could be first in the line of 12-year-olds at the store to get it.-Anonymous

I broke up with my first college girlfriend because she refused to see Star Wars and it made conversations difficult.-DJ1.5E3

When the girl I had a crush on asked me to go to the midnight release of Halo Reach with her I fell in love. When the night came I picked her up and we made a bet that if I beat her she would give me a kiss. Everything was perfect until midnight came. I got so excited when I bought Halo that I puked in front of everyone in line. Needless to say she never kissed me, or called me again.-Daniel

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article 4 Awkward Videogame E-mails

September 23, 2010

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2.

Filed Under   final fantasy   link   earthbound   chrono trigger

Article Sonic The Hedgehog: Origins

September 22, 2010
  1. Sonic

    Great news, Tails! I just got off the phone with Sega: they're offering a three-game deal!

  2. Tails

    Wow, this is incredible. We're going to be famous!

  3. Sonic

    Yup, and get this: They're naming the game "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"

  4. Tails

    Wow! … wait, what?

  5. Sonic

    Man, I'm going to be rolling in rings when this thing blows up…

  6. Tails

    No wait, hold on, Sonic. Why did they name the game after you?

  7. Sonic

    Because I'm the main character. I'm a hedgehog with lightning speed and a bad attitude.

  8. Tails

    It's just… have you seen hedgehogs? They're not very cool. They kind of just sit there.

  9. Sonic

    Yeah, but how many hedgehogs have a sick blue mowhawk?

  10. Tails

Filed Under   conversations   sonic