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Article 7 Times Graphical Limitations Helped Define Awesome Videogame Characters

By Karl Smallwood / April 11, 2014

Graphics are everything in the world of videogames - the capabilities of a graphics engine can completely change everything about what a game will ultimately be. The greater graphical abilities of the Playstation is what brought Square and Final Fantasy to Sony, the Mode 7 capabilities of the Super Nintendo allowed F-Zero and Super Mario Kart to exist at all, and the chunky graphics of the N64 captured James Bond's weird square hands for the first time ever.

But sometimes graphics can seemingly hold stuff back too. After all, each generation of videogames has their limits, and the developers are stuck working within those limits. But sometimes those limits can help define a character perfectly, in a way that more advanced graphics would have messed up. These are a few of those.


1. Crash Bandicoot looks the way he does because they didn't have any more polygons to flesh him out.

 6 Times Graphical Limitations Helped Define Awesome Videogame Characters


You only need to take one look at Crash Bandicoot to know why the wumpa fruit loving marsupial was a huge hit with fans from the start. His goofy grin, ungainly gait and big dumb shoes all combine into an instantly endearing character you can't help but want to go on an adventure/twirling backhand island natives with.

However, almost everything that makes Crash, well, Crash, is the result of the creators of the game simply not having enough polygons to work with. For starters, Crash's face was intentionally made as large and goofy as possible so that we could actually see it, this resulted in the character being designed with no neck, which resulted in his signature way of moving and turning to the camera. Speaking of movement, Crash's shoes are a result of the poor resolution of the screen making it difficult to make out his limbs when he was moving. Hell, the only reason that Crash Bandicoot is orange is because that was literally the only color that didn't make him look like shit in contrast to the stages he appeared on. It's also the reason no stages containing lava appear in the original game.

So maybe "graphics got too good" is the reason we haven't seen a new Crash game in so long. Yeah, that's probably it.

Article The Best Goldeneye 64 Character

By Andrew Bridgman / November 5, 2013
The Best Goldeneye 64 Character

Filed Under   goldeneye   n64

Article What 'Game of Thrones' Actors Looked Like In Their Younger Days

By Staff / April 14, 2014


Young Tywin Lannister (in Pascali's Island)

Game of Thrones Actors In the Wayback Machine

Yep, that's Lannister patriarch Charles Dance - in total young stud mode - hanging out with young Helen Mirren. Old people! They used to be young!


Young Ned Stark (in The Bill)

Game of Thrones Actors In the Wayback Machine  

Old age is coming.


Article Opinion: Why Ben Affleck Is a Terrible Choice For Batman

By The Internet / August 27, 2013
Opinion: Ben Affleck Is Going To Be A Terrible Batman

Let's get one thing straight: Ben Affleck is fine. I liked Argo, I liked The Town, and I really liked Gone Baby Gone. He's got a number of underrated performances, like Changing Lanes and Shakespeare in Love. And, yeah, he's got a couple Oscars.

But he's not Batman.

Will he be able to bring the appropriate gravitas to the story of a billionaire who dresses up like a bat and pretends to have a gravelly-voice and uses magic green rocks to punch an alien in the face? I don't know that he does. It requires a seasoned actor that is universally-respected, like Christian Bale (best known for being the bad guy in the Shaft remake).

Let's look at what is arguably the best Batman film, The Dark Knight. Obviously, the most compelling and interesting character in that film is Batman. His arc could only be played by the highest-caliber actor: At the beginning of the film, Batman has not punched anyone or yelled at anyone in a stupid voice, but by the end, he has punched a bunch of people and yelled all kinds of things with a stupid voice. Sure, all the heady and emotional arcs are given to the Joker and Harvey Dent, but Batman ends the film by thinking a girl liked him when she actually liked someone else. Also, he deduced the Joker's location by using magic cell phone GPS mapping. He's not called 'The World's Greatest Detective' for nothing, folks.

Oh! And he takes the fall for the actions of Harvey Dent/Two-Face so that Dent can remain a symbol of hope for Gotham, since there's literally no other character in the film who could possibly be responsible for so many mob deaths. Well, I guess the Joker might have worked, since he had already killed a bunch of mob people, and a whole bunch of other people on top of that, and absolutely no one would believe him if he claimed he was innocent of those crimes and that Harvey Dent actually did them all. But…then we wouldn't have gotten that 'hero we deserve'/'hero we need' speech at the end, which was pretty cool.

Remember: Ben Affleck was in Gigli.

The actor playing Batman is always the most important thing in deciding how good that film will be. I mean, who do we blame Batman & Robin on? Obviously it's only George Clooney's fault. Did Joel Schumacher have anything to do with the movie being awful? No, it is only George Clooney's fault. That's why our concern should be about Ben Affleck and not Zack Snyder or the script by David Goyer (writer of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance and co-creator of FlashForward). Ben Affleck is the only factor that matters here.

What it all comes down to though is the fact that we need to get unreasonably upset about this before a single frame of has been filmed. We need to not give them a chance at all, since actors (like Ben Affleck) have never subverted the internet's expectations. Remember how upset the internet was when freakin' Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker? And we were right to be so upset (barring that Oscar he won for his universally-praised portrayal of the Clown Prince of Crime).

So let's do it again, internet. Let's show them how right we always are when we get mad about superhero movies.

Filed Under   batman   ben affleck

Article The Most Insane FCC Complaints Against 'South Park'

By Andrew Bridgman / March 18, 2014

FCC Complaints Against South Park That Will ENRAGE YOU

The website Government Attic regularly posts government files and documents it receives through the Freedom of Information Act. While most of these are extremely dry and boring, occasionally something truly magnificent will show up. For example - a document was posted that collected complaints made to the FCC about South Park, between 2004 and 2007. We've transcribed some of the best ones (and tried our best to maintain accurate portrayals of the grammar and spelling used by each):



Two boys well known to me asked me for sex (unspecified in nature); when I asked these boys why they were asking me for sex, they replied that the TV program "South Park" with the randy "Chef" told them to do it. These boys are 9 and 12. I am 63 and male.


I wish to voice my disgust with the "cartoon" Southpark that was aired on the evening of Wednesday, August 10, 2005. The episode depicted children "milking" a male dog. I cannot believe such filth is allowed to be aired.


Filed Under   television   TV   wtf   south park   fcc

Article Pwn Up: A League of Their Pwn

By Andrew Bridgman / May 20, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: A League of Their Pwn
I am a factory worker who has always loved Star Wars. One day at work, I was running a machine called the depiler when it quit, dead as a door nail. A PLC card that controlled the movement had blown. Without missing a beat I turned to my coworker and said, "Uncle Owen, this droid has a bad motivator." He had no idea what I was talking about.-Ben

Since I heard about Pokemon X&Y coming out I decided to finally complete the pokedex (on White 2), to do this I needed to do a lot of breeding. After doing a fair few breeds I took my Ditto out of the daycare, when I looked at its nature and saw that it was 'Naive' I felt really bad for making it breed with so many pokemon. Eventually I swapped it for a Ditto with a 'Relaxed' nature so it might enjoy itself. -Kyle

Back when Pokemon Red & Blue first came out my friend and I, like most children in the late 90's, were addicted. Towards the end of the 2000 summer, our concerned parents took away our gameboys and we were left to our own devices. We decided to try and recreate Pokemon by catching wildlife and creating arenas, e.g. a jar filled with water was a water-type arena. One memorable fight took place in this jar-arena, between a Poliwag (tadpole) and a Zubat (a leech we found. Yeah, Zubats aren't water based at all, but we had to make do). At first the two combatants idled about in the water, but suddenly the leech jumped onto the tadpole and the struggle that took place was horrific. After 3 minutes of a terrified, writhing tadpole being drained of life fluid the Zubat floated happily, sated and victorious. We never tried that sh*t again.-Myles

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Toplist Results: The 20 Greatest Videogame Villains of All-Time

By Andrew Bridgman / March 6, 2014

Toplist Results: The 20 Greatest Videogame Villains of AllTime

After over 850,000 votes of the most twisted and evil villains in videogame history, you - THE VOTER (aka NOT THE WRITER OF THIS ARTICLE) - have decided the top 20 virtual bad guys ever. Don't agree with the results (which, again, are not the choices of me, the guy writing this)? Sound off below about why YOUR favorite evil clown was unfairly ranked!


20. Dysentery (The Oregon Trail)

  best villains

There are many deadly enemies in the original edutainment hit, Oregon Trail: river fordings, meager rations, Mrs. Henderson making you leave the computer lab - but none come close to the danger of dysentery. Really, there's not much you can do to avoid dysentery other than sleep and eat a lot - and it could still strike even then. It's random and unavoidable and can wipe out members of your party like it's nothing. At least with river crossings, you have the CHOICE whether or not you want to ford it (and guarantee losing one of your travel pals). Dysentery is cruel and unstoppable - murderous and unfeeling...

Kind of like "you" when you see a buffalo during a hunt. C'mon dude - you've already hit 400 lbs. this round, you KNOW you can't carry any more back.

Filed Under   villains   results

Article Mario's 4th of July Texts

By Andrew Bridgman / July 4, 2013

Filed Under   mario   4th of july   texts

Article Incredibly Satisfying Pokemon GIFs

By Staff / April 16, 2014



via carororo


Incredibly Satisfying Pokemon GIFs

via TheDuskDragon


Filed Under   pokemon   gifs   internerd   satisfying

Article 6 Mobile Game Pick-Up Lines

By Andrew Bridgman / February 10, 2014

6 Mobile Game PickUp Lines


6 Mobile Game PickUp Lines

Filed Under   pickup lines   love   mobile gaming   flappy bird