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Article The 6 Most Twisted Romances in Videogame History

By Tristan Cooper / February 12, 2014

The 6 Most Twisted Romances in Videogame History 

Love and videogames have had a checkered history, at best. Players are either forced through a cheesy story with the dramatic chops of a high school play, or they're asked to pick a series of branches on a dialogue tree in a game of Choose Your Own Relationship. Turns out game developers aren't as good at approximating the complex emotions of human beings as they are at making grisly blood spatter from a chainsaw gun.

 

But every once in a while, in between the shy schoolgirls and alien love triangles, you can find some pretty messed up hook ups. We've compiled a list of these outliers, the most ludicrous liasons in gaming. Whatever you do, don't fall in love.

 

 

 

6. You and your spouse in Skyrim

 

The 6 Most Twisted Romances in Videogame History

 

In Skyrim, getting hitched is as simple as wearing a special amulet and chatting up the townsfolk. It doesn't take much for a citizen to become your lifelong partner, but who can blame them? You're famous, you've got great job security as the Dovahkiin and you can carry like 18 cheese wheels at once -- they gotta lock that down. But once you're married, the game's simple romance mechanics show their seedier side.

 

After you've sworn to carry each other's burdens, your spouse just stays at home and waits for you to return, earning you 100 gold per day while watching over your growing hoard of dragon bones. If you choose to sleep in bed with your S.O. instead of in a cave filled with Nordic zombie corpses, you get a small XP bonus for your swift and inevitable exit to the outside world. Worse yet, if you marry someone who can also be a follower, they're forced into the thankless life that is the Dovahkiin's packmule and meatshield. Accidentally shooting them with an arrow to the back of the head could be considered a mercy killing.

 

Then again, mariticide actually serves a function in Skyrim -- it's the only way to divorce your spouse. If you do decide to brutally murder the person you vowed to honor and protect, you're officially back on the market. You're welcome to remarry and rekill as often as your heart desires, at least until you run out of mates and remember that you never finished the main quest.

 

Filed Under   creepy   love   romance

Article The Internet REALLY Likes Espurr

By Jake Young / October 22, 2013

Of all the new Pokemon unveiled in X and Y, there's been a real standout according to the fanart community. Espurr, labeled as the "Restraint Pokemon" (no really) is a psychic-type kitty cat that has delighted fans around the world. Artists just can't stop drawing this little guy with his fluffy appearance and versatile moveset- oh who are we kidding, it's because of his harrowing stare that can see your darkest secrets.

 

The Internet REALLY Likes Espurr

 

"... it was 1993, you were all hopped up on Pecha Berries, and it was the last time you saw Steve."

Filed Under   internet   pokemon   internerd   espurr

Article 5 Quotes From Star Wars That Are Total Lies

By Andrew Bridgman / July 3, 2013

Mos Eisley is a sorta scummy place, I guess – there are some rough characters there who would pull a blaster on you at the drop of a hat (not noble hero Han Solo though. No, he would only pull a blaster to defend himself). However, Obi-Wan telling Luke he would never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy was more than a little disingenuous, considering there's a FAR more wretched hive of scum and villainy located ON THE SAME PLANET.

That's right – Jabba's palace, a hive that's 20 times more wretched and scummy and villainous. There's a fat slug guy who keeps a human being frozen in carbonite as a conversation piece, regularly abuses his slaves, and has no problem feeding his servants to the giant cave monster who lives in his basement. Also, his idea of a good time is throwing people into a toothy sphincter in the middle of the desert.

Compared to that, the Mos Eisley Spaceport is practically a neighborhood Applebee's.

Filed Under   star wars

Article Linkhacks: 10 Lifehacks for the Hero of Time

By Ryan Creamer / December 13, 2013

Linkhacks: Lifehacks for the Hero of Time

 

Linkhacks: Lifehacks for the Hero of Time

Filed Under   zelda   link   lifehacks

Article 7 Terms From Star Wars That Don't Mean What You Think They Mean

By Andrew Bridgman / May 1, 2013
7 Terms From Star Wars That Dont Mean What You Think They Mean - Image 8

Despite all the humans, English language, and proper British accents, it's important to remember that the Star Wars universe isn't our own. Things are different there – they have landspeeders, they order around protocol droids, and their language – although sounding similar – has words that we think we know, but really have no clue. These are 7 terms from Star Wars that don't mean what you think they mean.

7. "Sith" is a species.

7 Terms From Star Wars That Dont Mean What You Think They Mean - Image 1

The Sith are the bad-guy Force people. Everyone knows that! They're the anti-Jedi, lightning shooting, Darth-named weirdos who refuse to use anything other than red in their lightsabers. Except…well, they didn't start off as "the group of Dark Side Force-guys." They started off as a species unto themselves.

Basically, they were red-skinned humanoids with gross face-tentacles from the planet Korriban. They had a predisposition towards the Dark Side of the Force, but that wasn't what defined them. That happened once a group of human Dark Jedi happened upon the species and interbred with them for a couple thousand years. Eventually, the Sith species was pretty much bred out of existence, and Sith became synonymous with the evil, cloak-wearing dudes we know them as today.

Although, it probably would've been smart to try using any lightsaber color other than red if they wanted to not give away their allegiances immediately.

Filed Under   star wars

Article The 10 Types of Rollercoaster Tycoon Players

By Andrew Bridgman / January 23, 2014

The 9 Types of Rollercoaster Tycoon Players

It's not enough for you to be a Rollercoaster Tycoon - you want to be a Rollercoaster Artist. You want to make brilliant rides that provide all of the thrills and daring design elements that you find lacking in IRL rollercoasters. Who cares if literally every guest says that your rollercoasters look too intense for them? The cowards at Six Flags have nothing on your latest vomit-inducing masterpiece.

 

The 9 Types of Rollercoaster Tycoon Players

I know what you're thinking - an unfinished rollercoaster? Yikes! Well, fear not - the coaster will shoot you up right to the tippy-top, and then you'll come roaring back, like an on-rails pendulum! Should be quite the thrill....unless a certain tycoon were to "accidentally" increase the launch speed to 90mph, that is. Oops! What an unfortunate accident. Oh well, anyone else want to try out "The George R.R. Martin Coaster"?

Filed Under   gamers   rollercoaster tycoon   types

Article 4 Theories Of What Diglett Really Looks Like Underground

By Chloe Cole / January 10, 2014

4 Theories Of What Diglett Really Looks Like Underground

Since the dawn of man (or since Pokemon Red & Blue was released, either way), we have looked to the stars and wondered one question: what the heck is going on with the lower part of Diglett and Dugtrio's body? Like, we can see the part that sticks out of the  ground, but not the bottom part. Luckily, artists across the internet have put up hypothesis after hypothesis to explain the greatest mystery of our time:

Filed Under   pokemon   dugtrio   diglett   theories

Article 7 Things From The Game of Thrones Books Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

By Andrew Bridgman / June 13, 2013

Daenerys is, like, 14 years old

Things From Game of Thrones Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

Daenerys is in a rough spot when Game of Thrones begins – she's the exiled daughter of a brutally-deposed king, her psychotic brother has arranged for her to be married to a nomadic warrior king who's really into horses, and just look at how that name is spelled. She probably has to correct people all the time. But the real messed up thing is that she starts off the books at the age of 14. That's when she's forced into having sex with her new Dothraki husband. So – remember that cool Khal Drogo guy? He's a child rapist. The show gets away with making this all seem not-creepy-as-hell because Emilia Clarke is in her 20's (she would be a great-grandmother by this point in the world of Game of Thrones).

So whenever you get excited to see Daenerys nude in Game of Thrones, remember that Chris Hansen is going to knock on your door at any moment.

Filed Under   game of thrones

Article 20 More of the Worst Videogame Covers of All-Time

By Andrew Bridgman / August 23, 2013

Cover art – it's the first thing potential customers see of a game. Before the internet, covers could make or break a game, given it was a lot harder to find info on any given game. So it's always a little baffling when a company puts out a game with an awful, poorly-made, ill-conceived cover. Yet they still did it, over and over and over again. Here are 20 more of the worst videogame covers of all-time.

(Note: see the first 20 here, and our coverage of the Mega Man franchise here)

Russell Grant's Astrology

What's Wrong With It: Let's get one thing out of the way: I have no idea who Russell Grant is, and I refuse to take the 3 seconds it would require to Google him. I don't really feel like I need to know, because any game about astrology starring the failed attempt to combine John Goodman and Chris Farley's genes through cloning is probably going to be a terrible game, and nothing about this cover seems like it would appeal to anyone (with the possible exception of people who have an incredibly specific fetish about John Goodman and Chris Farley laughing at you).

Filed Under   Terrible   covers

Article The Dorklyst: 11 Terrible Videogames Worth More Than Your First Car

By Hudson Hongo / August 9, 2013
The Dorklyst: 11 Terrible Videogames Worth More Than Your First Car

Some rare games are lost classics, superb artistic and technical achievements that, for one reason or another, flopped in the marketplace faster than you can say "8-bit Moby-Dick." But for every Ōkami and EarthBound, there are 100 other failed releases like Cheetahmen II, gag-inducing stinkers that even their creators would prefer we just forget about. Unfortunately for them, the collector's market doesn't give a Shaq-Fu what they think, as evidenced by these 11 awful, rare, and awfully rare games that nevertheless sell for more than your high school beater.

11. Link: The Faces of Evil

Auction Price: $590Car It's Worth More Than: 1989 Geo Metro

Criticize Skyward Sword all you want, at least it never triggered any acid flashbacks. The same can't be said for Link: The Faces of Evil, one of three notoriously weird Zelda titles released on the Philips CD-i. Seemingly based on one of Shigeru Miyamoto's fever dreams, The Faces of Evil is famous for the bizarre full-motion cutscenes that make it closer to a David Lynch movie than a proper Zelda outing. But despite looking and sounding like a prescription cough syrup bender, a new copy of this game can sell for nearly $600, making it a better investment than that Geo Metro your buddy swears just needs a new transmission.

Filed Under   retro   the dorklyst