Articles

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Article Pwn Up: Cloud Tested, Cactuar Approved

By Kevin Corrigan / September 23, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

When I was younger, I prided myself on knowing everything about FF7. I played through it once a year. My mother would say, "Why do you bother memorizing all of this crap? This isn't going to help you in real life!" Today I work in HR for an insurance company. I wrap up every interview by asking, "What's the prize for beating Ruby Weapon?" It works as a tie-breaker if someone knows. I do it so people can call their parents and tell them they got a job for their "useless knowledge." Take that, mom!-Raleigh

It was my senior year of college when Gears of War 3 was announced. I decided, right then and there, that I wanted to dress up as Cole for the midnight release. I started going to the gym and bulked up to near 200 lbs for it.-Richie

Today in my western civ class, my professor asked if we knew the old english word for horse. I said "rohan," which is right. He asked how I knew. I said from Lord of the Rings: the kingdom of Rohan, the Mark of the Riders. Now I'm that kid in the class. Great way to start off the semester.-Steven

I told my air force recruiter I to want wait till February to join so I can get my affairs in order. My affairs are getting Skyrim and playing it thoroughly.-Howard

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn Up: Do You Even Bench?

By Andrew Bridgman / April 22, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Do You Even Bench - Image 2
I was at the gym with my friend recently. While we were taking a break, I decided to draw a few Pokemon on the gym sign-in sheet, just to goof around. Eventually, we went back to working out – and the gym supervisor approached me. I was nervous we were in trouble, until he asked "Do you still collect them?" I asked what he was talking about, and he replied "Pokemon cards. Do you still collect them?" Turns out his son just moved out, and left behind a box of Pokemon cards. My gym supervisor said he might bring some in to play a game if I still had mine. Now I'm more excited to go to the gym than I've ever been.-CJ

Here's the story: last summer after playing various FPS's for almost 12 straight hours, a couple of my friends dropped by. After a couple of hours, we have noticed that we were out of beer. Mind you that all of us are really lazy individuals, so we decided to order some beer from the shop just across the street (I live in Turkey and you can order alcohol by phone). The problem was I didn't know the phone number of the shop, so I went to my window to see if I could read the number. I live on the 10th floor, so I reached out with my right hand, and just right-clicked the air to zoom in. It took a couple of seconds to realize what I have done, but my friends were already laughing their asses off.-Eren

I recently had to write an essay for a test. The prompt asked whether or not a factory built next to a school should be required to dispose or prevent any air pollution that it produces since it's near a school.

While I should have written about different safety precautions in place, I instead went on a rant using SimCity questioning why on earth would some idiotic city planner decide to put industrial next to education.-Carlos

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: I Can See Your Halo

By Andrew Bridgman / November 16, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: I Can See Your Halo - Image 1
When Halo 4 came out, I was the only one at the midnight release not getting it. I got a copy of Dragon Ball Z Budokai HD instead.-Christian

I was so pumped to hear everyone throwing the word BAMF around recently. I thought it was cool that a comic book reference had become modern slang. It wasn't until much later that I found out that the current use of BAMF was not a reference to the sound Nightcrawler made when teleporting.-Zack

I recently went to see a movie with my girlfriend. Since it was the Friday after Halloween, all the theater employees were dressed up. We go to get our popcorn and the cashier has an awesome Link costume, complete with a sword, shield and Navi. I compliment him on his costume and he lets out a big relieved sigh and says "Thanks man, you're the first person to get it. Everyone keeps calling me Peter Pan."-Fraser

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Best Fanmade Videogame Cover Art

By Chloe Cole / February 13, 2014

Many stores allow customers to return videogames they've played, even without the original cover art. This return policy allows for the distribution of fan-made video game cover art. Putting gamers in charge of marketing is interesting because they speak the truth and it's not always pretty. In fact, it is never pretty. Enjoy these masterpieces!

 

Best Fanmade Cover Art

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Best Fanmade Cover Art

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Filed Under   fanart   internerd   game covers

Article Pwn Up: Assassin's Quiz

By Andrew Bridgman / November 2, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Assassins Quiz - Image 4
I gave a true/false pop quiz to my class on the Assassin's Creed 3 release day. Every answer was false, and I let them work on whatever they wanted after the quiz. Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.-Mr. R

When I was about 13, my grandma got me a Sega Dreamcast for my birthday. The problem was the store she bought the console didn't have the memory card/VMU for sale, and since I live in a small town in Brazil, it was the only one store that sold the Dreamcast. I was crazy about finishing Sonic Adventure (which came along with the Dreamcast), but I didn't have the VMU, so the furthest I went was the Knuckles stages.

I waited for a holiday and played it nonstop for more than 24 hours (minus eating and stuff) and I was able to finish the game in about 18 in-game hours. When I finally turned my Dreamcast off, I cried for like 10 minutes, since I knew I'd lost it all.-Gabriel

On the night that Silent Hill: Revelation came out, being a big Silent Hill fan, I went in with a friend dressed as Pyramid Head, expecting a large turn out for the premiere. I walked around the lobby for a while, handing out flyers for a haunted house I work at that supplied the costume, and talked to the staff of the theater for a while, a few of whom took pictures, and scaring random movie goers. Then, when I walked into the screening room, I held my blade high…. for about 10 people to see. Not exactly what I was expecting, but at least I didn't have to worry about blocking anyone's view.-Skyler (see below)

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Dr. Mario Isn't a Real Doctor

December 13, 2010
  1. Dr. Mario

    I'm sorry, but your wife has a virus. Well three viruses actually.

  2. Mr. Holdings

    Three viruses?! How is that even possible? What are they?

  3. Dr. Mario

    After much research though it seems she has a red, blue, and yellow virus.

  4. Mr. Holdings

    I'm sorry, what?

  5. Dr. Mario

    We've decided to name the blue virus 'Chill', the red virus 'Fever', and the yellow virus 'Weird'.

  6. Mr. Holdings

    So she has a fever and a chill?

  7. Dr. Mario

    No, no. Those are the names I've given the viruses. The names really have nothing to do with the symptoms that they are causing.

  8. Mr. Holdings

    …Is there another doctor here I can speak to?

Filed Under   conversations   dr. mario

Article The Weekly IRL: Animals Playing Videogames (Kinda)

July 29, 2010

Have a submission for next week's issue? Send pictures to weeklyirl at gmail. Next Issue: Terrible Translations.



Filed Under   animals   cute   the weekly irl

Article Pwn Up: Pity the April Fool

By Andrew Bridgman / April 1, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Okay So It Looks Like A Few Of You Do Pay Attention To URLs - Image 4
I have my local Gamestop on speed dial. Also, every associate there knows me by my first name.-Michael

We have certain rules in my home about shutting off everything after 9 PM because they are the "rules". I dont have a flashlight and my phone's brightness is very dim, so for a while I had to stop reading comics mid-climax of the story. One night, the dreaded 9 PM rule was on attack mode in the middle of Invincible Iron-Man: The Five Nightmares, and I wasn't going to sleep without finishing it. So trying to read it with my awful phone's brightness, I remembered last Christmas I was given a blue lightsaber keychain. I scrambled to find it as quickly as I could. Now when our 9 PM rule is in effect I will always have my blue lightsaber by my side to read my comics like any Jedi, if Jedi read comics.-Carlos

A few weeks ago, in the Awards Season entry of Pwn Up, I mentioned that my sister's dog "ate" my Nintendo DS Lite. So I thought I'd clarify a few things:

  • The dog is perfectly fine, no problems whatsoever
  • I will be getting a new 3DS for my birthday
  • The game that I had in the DS at the time was unharmed and still works (THANK GOD)
  • My DS was more chewed than actually eaten. I got back the remains to prove it (see picture below)
-Maxx

Pwn Up: Okay So It Looks Like A Few Of You Do Pay Attention To URLs - Image 2
Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: The Majora Leagues

By Andrew Bridgman / November 9, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Majora League - Image 2
I was dating a girl not long ago, and we were out in a park. She mentioned that she didn't know how to waltz, so I started to show her the basic step. It was quiet, so I tried to think of a tune to go along with the dance. Before I knew it, I started singing "Song of Storms" from Ocarina of Time. We continued dancing through the entire song. I think I was secretly hoping it would start raining.-Kyle

A friend of mine went on a mission trip the Philippines earlier this year. When he went to the Mall of Asia, he got bored waiting in line at the Starbucks. What he did then was randomly yell the first line of 'Still Alive' from Portal ("This was a triumph…"). Pretty soon, the whole line was singing along, except for a few very confused older people.-Ian

I was one of 2 people waiting in line for the midnight release of Assassin's Creed 3. Probably would have been more except I was in New York during Hurricane Sandy. Still worth it though.-Daniel

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Issue #10

June 28, 2011

Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to areyouafraidofthedork@gmail.com!

I was playing Minecraft one day and I encountered a creeper in one of my unfinished constructions; I managed to climb to a higher level moments after it made the fuse lighting sound and I promptly forgot about it. When the sun was going down and I headed downstairs, the creeper was just waiting around the corner and exploded without making any other sound. I was wearing headphones at near full volume and was so startled I had an adrenaline rush. My kidneys, head and stomach hurt for the rest of the day and I had to lie down for an hour after the encounter.-Anonymous

A horror story of true nerd rage. I was 13 and me and all of my friends were eating lunch, talking about playing Final Fantasy 7 for the first time. It had been around for about a month or two and one friend of mine had done a marathon session playing it all the way through in one weekend while I preferred to sip it like a fine wine. As we all sat around talking about our favorite characters, I was going on about how much I liked Aeris, to which my friend replies, "Oh did you get to the point where she dies yet?". I freaked out and furiously stomped on his foot while in boots, breaking four of his toes. -Wolfan

I used to play the hell out of Morrowind for the Xbox since my wife took over playing Final Fantasy Online which was meant for me. Anyway, one day while walking to a corner store in Houston I heard a shrill screech from out of nowhere that sounded like a Cliff Racer. I hurriedly looked above me while my right hand went to my left as if I was carrying a sword, but of course nothing was there. To make this story even more peculiar I always played a female Breton Mage that relied more on magic than a weapon and I'm a dude.-Anonymous