Articles

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Article Valve's Big Announcement Predictions

By Andrew Bridgman / September 24, 2013

Last week, Valve previewed three major announcements they would be making throughout the course of this week: one on Monday, one on Wednesday, and one on Friday. There has been much speculation about what these announcements would be, although Valve has dropped considerable hints towards what they might be. Yesterday, it was announced that they would be releasing their own operating system, known as SteamOS. Our analysts have looked at the clues and rumors that are swirling around the net to give you this in-depth analysis of this announcement, as well as what to expect on Wednesday and Friday.

 

Monday

Valves Big Announcement Predictions

Confirmed: SteamOS

Analysis: This Linux-based operating system (which will be available at no cost) will allow Steam-users to experience their gaming library on their living room TV screen in an easy, convenient manner. This appears to be laying the groundwork for something much bigger. Which brings us to...

 

Wednesday

Valves Big Announcement Predictions

Prediction: SteamBOX

Analysis: Finally, a dedicated piece of Valve hardware that can compete with next-gen consoles, but with the added edge of running Steam. We know that Valve has long wanted to produce their own piece of hardware, and Gabe Newell has even teased the idea for months. The public knowledge that Valve hired a hardware engineer a few months ago all but confirms their clear interest in making this product a reality.

A level-headed, business-savvy company like Valve understands that now is an ideal time to jump into this market. They don't make foolhardy decisions - the company is run by some of the shrewdest minds in gaming. That being said, there is still one more announcement left. What could possibly top this? Well...

 

Friday

Valves Big Announcement Predictions

Prediction: PORTAL GUNS ARE REAL AND HALF-LIFE 3 IS FREE AND ORIGIN IS SHUTTING DOWN AND EVERY DAY IS A STEAM SALE FROM NOW ON!!

Analysis: It's gotta either be this or a new kind of Team Fortress 2 hat.

Filed Under   news   valve   steam

Article Pwn Up: Grounded For Life

June 15, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Grounded For Life - Image 2
For me groundings as a kid meant "no playing video games". It was tough, but at least I still got to sit and watch my younger brother play. Eventually my mother figured out that it wasn't really punishment because I would end up telling my brother where to go and what to do in the game. Getting any kind of enjoyment out of video games negated the grounding. So my groundings soon began to include "no watching video games". Skip ahead a few weeks later I get in trouble once again, and get sent to my room. I was too stubborn to let my grounding disrupt my gaming. My mother was in shock when she came to check on me and discovered I was listening to an audio cassette recording my brother and I had taped of a playthrough of Contra. She didn't say I couldn't listen to video games.-Mike

A few weeks back I was a couple payments late on my car. Each payment is about $250, but when I had the money together after paying all my other bills, my PS3 stopped working. Rather than making a payment on my car, I chose to buy a new PS3 so I could start playing Arkham City. My car was reposessed shortly after, and as a result I lost my job for continuosly showing up late (from taking the bus). However, I DID beat Arkham City.-Ray

When I was a kid, my mother would often punish me by taking my Sega Genesis controllers away. As I was unable to play, I would load up Mortal Kombat II and watch the start menu until a demo fight started. My brother and I would try and guess which character was going to win.-Samuel

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: Everybody's Working for the Wii-kend

By Andrew Bridgman / October 5, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Everybodys Working for the Wiikend - Image 2
When I was a kid, I used to believe that anything you could do in a videogame could be done in real life if you tried hard enough. One day, my mom took my Game Boy away because I was playing too much. Since I was so short at that time, she would put things in high places to keep me away from them. I ate some mushrooms from our backyard, thinking I would get taller. I didn't realize until many years later that I could've died doing that. Not growing taller was still the more upsetting thing though.-Abraham

When I was in grade school, I had trouble remembering which side was "left" and which was "right". This was around the time the SNES first came out, and a friend and I were playing Super Mario World together. He had gotten the Nintendo Power issue that showed all the secret exits in the game. The picture illustrating how to find the exit to the blue switch palace showed Mario riding a Yoshi through a block that looked like it was part of the foreground, with a caption along the lines of, "You can move through the block on the left side of the screen." And to this day, when I need to remember which side is left and which is right, I usually imagine that picture in my mind along with the note that "Yoshi is on the Left."-Jacob

I was watching an episode of the Big Bang Theory a few years ago, and at one point, Sheldon said, "That is my spot, in an every changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, from the moment I first sat on it, would be 0-0-0-0." My first reaction wasn't, "wow, nerdy," but instead, "Cartesian? Since the earth is round, spherical coordinates would be more efficient."-Derek

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #32

January 4, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

Playing hardcore TDM on Black Ops I joined a lobby with about 10 seconds before Nuketown started. I had obviously joined in the middle of a conversation because all I heard was "… I don't care if she apologizes and scrubs her feet with Ajax, I'm going to stay here and play until about 3:30."-Steve
So one day me and my buddy Dilly were playing RBSV2 with a guy who must have been 13 to 15 years old. We started hearing his mom on the other end of the mic. His mom was asking him if he was gay or not, because she was trying to set him up with the neighbor's gay son. His reply to his mother was "I'm only gay on Tuesday, Mom!"SD
While playing a game of Halo 2 a while back my friends and I were playing a marathon of team slayer with our Aussie friend Static. After about an hour or so, one of our friends left and was promptly replaced with my friend's little brother. After a particularly exciting game where Static went 18-0 my friend's little brother stated the following:
Brother: Static I've been wondering something.Static: Yes?Brother: How the hell do you get electricity to your hut?There was a long silence followed by a burst of laughter when we realized he was serious.Static: I have a kangaroo on a treadmill in my backyard.-Joe
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Bowser Needs a Plumber

June 10, 2010
  1. Bowser

    Um…hey, Mario?

  2. Mario

    So a-what is it this time? Kidnap the princess again? Luigi? If it's Luigi, you can a-keep him.

  3. Bowser

    Uh no. Not this time. I need…a plumber.

  4. Mario

    …oh. Jeez. That's a first. What's the problem?

  5. Bowser

    It's the pipes. They're not connected to anything. There's no running water in the entire kingdom, evil fire-spewing plants are growing out of the pipes, and the sewage system is…not pretty.

  6. Mario

    Wow. That is a major a-plumbing problem. How have we never a-noticed this?

  7. Bowser

    Ever wonder where the toilet pipes go?

  8. Mario

    Uh…

  9. Bowser

    Sh*t World 1-2. We have literally filled up an entire world with sh*t because our plumbing system is so f*cked.

  10. Mario

    Oh god. I thought that a-was mud! Smelly, a-smelly mud…I WORE MY FROG SUIT THERE, YOU DICKHOLE.

  11. Bowser

    Can you take the job?

  12. Mario

    So…I really haven't a-done any actual plumbing jobs in a couple decades. Are you sure you don't want to just a-kidnap the princess?

Filed Under   bowser   conversations

Article Terran Blues

July 27, 2010
  1. Marine

    Alright, here we go!

  2. Command Center

    Good luck, marine.

  3. Marine

    Yeah! These other marines don't know what they're up against.

  4. Command Center

    Ooh…about that…

  5. Marine

    What? Do they have Firebats? Vultures? We have some too, so-

  6. Command Center

    We're fighting alien monsters.

  7. Marine

    What?

  8. Command Center

    An evil swarming hive-mind of monsters. They hatch from eggs. A lot of them shoot spikes or acid, or something. I figured someone would have told you.

  9. Marine

    Wow, uh, nope. They never mentioned the horrible, horrible monsters. In fact, they barely mentioned me being a marine. I'm an astronaut. That's why I'm in freaking space.

  10. Command Center

    Yeah, you should have thought about that before you accepted those 50 minerals, science boy.

  11. Marine

    Okay, so space monsters. Wow. I guess we, we can out smart them, right?

  12. Command Center

    Well in theory. They tend to just rush and kill things. And there's also a race of alien robot geniuses. We have to fight them too.

  13. Marine

    Can't we work with them?

Filed Under   starcraft   conversations

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #46

By Jeff Rosenberg / April 19, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail

I tried Kinect for the first time last night at my friend's house. During an intense game of Beach Volleyball I tried to spike the ball, and proceeded to scrape my hand on his spackled cement ceiling. My hand started to bleed profusely all over the floor. Instead of pausing the game though, we decided to finish the match. Needless to say, I had major bragging rights on the ride to the hospital to stitch my hand back up.-Jon
This happened to a female friend of mine. Her (now ex) boyfriend was playing Team Fortress 2 online, when she decided she was bored, so she dressed up in her best lingerie and seductively walked out to the living room. She leaned up against the wall and gave him a 'come hither' and all she got in reply was "Not now. I'm playing team fortress." She very angrily returned to being bored in the room. He slept on the couch.-Pman
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article The 14 Best Reactions to Surprise Christmas Consoles

By Chloe Cole / December 25, 2013

 

Jack Jingles is the best.

 

Everyone in the family seems pretty confused by the concept of happy tears

Filed Under   kids   christmas   internerd   unwrapping   presents

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #10

July 8, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I camped out overnight for the iPhone 4. Not because of Facetime. Not because of the speed. Not because of the retina display. I did it because there's a Magic: the Gathering app that includes life counters, token counters, mana counters, a glossary of terms, and card search.-Tim

I've been playing WoW since it came out, and I have protocols set up so that if my ethernet becomes unplugged or unresponsive while playing, my wireless card will take over the connection.-JA

My ex-boyfriend and I used to play WoW together. He broke up with me because I said male blood elves are gay, then kicked me out of our guild in the middle of a raid. I was so pissed I wasn't going to get my dagger that I didn't even care about the break up.-Sara

I was afraid of the power going out during Y2K, because I didn't want to lose the Everquest group I was in.-Edge

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #6

June 24, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet about it?Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

On the eve of Halo 2's release, my mom took my brother and I's Xbox away for whatever bad thing we did. The next day, my brother and I put all of our money together, then he skipped school, walked to the Gamestop at the mall (2 miles away), and purchased Halo 2 and a new Xbox. We played in secret for three days in my brother's room before my mom found out. She wasn't really that mad, just flabbergasted at what we did. We got our other Xbox back in due time and had 2 Xboxes until the 360 came out.-Nicholas

I started to play dungeons and dragons because a girl I had a crush on for over year said she liked the game. Last month, I had to stop playing with her because she doesn't role play enough and often speaks out of character.-Luke

When I was 5 I cried and hid in my room when they changed the time MacGyver aired, because it came on before I got home from school.-Ryan

When I was in middle school, we were told to write an essay about someone we looked up to. I wrote a two page essay on someone I knew on Everquest, because he was able to solo a boss everyone said was impossible to kill alone.-Eric

Filed Under   pwn my life