Articles

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Article 6 Limericks for Failed Videogame Systems

March 9, 2011



Filed Under   dreamcast   limericks

Article A Song of Ice and Sun Burns

By Kevin Corrigan / August 12, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

When I decided I was going to propose to my wife, I needed it to be unique and special. I proposed to her on the Elder Rise of Thunder Bluff in front of both of our WoW guilds. I faced her character, kneeled, opened a trade window and traded her a cubic zirconia ring. She said yes.-Mike

A couple months ago, someone broke into my car and stole a bunch of stuff. They took my video camera, my iPod, my dad's iPod and a bottle of cologne. Losing that stuff was a drag, but the thing that bothered me the most was that the thief didn't take a newly boarded issue of Uncanny X-Force and the first issue of Kick-ass. Why didn't he steal those? I'd steal those.-Colin

Many years ago I was involved in a LARP event. I took the role of a Minotaur. My girlfriend (now wife) body painted runes all over my chest, back, neck, face and arms. I spent five hours in sun and high altitude, with no shade. The sun burned me everywhere the body paint was not. I spent the next three months with inverse tanned-on rune tattoos.-Michael, the Tall

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Recipes For a Delicious Thanksgiving Dinner (In Different Videogame Worlds)

By Peter Rubens / November 28, 2013

Castlevania

Recipes For a Delicious Thanksgiving Dinner In Different Videogame Worlds

Filed Under   food   recipes   castlevania   final fight   skyrim   thanksgiving

Article Spyro is Pissed

December 20, 2010
  1. Spyro

    Alright, what's on our schedule today? Lots to do. I'm thinking crossover. Maybe a comic…

  2. Exec

    Spyro, I…I don't know how to keep telling you. It's over. No one likes you.

  3. Spyro

    What? I'm freaking Spyro. The Playstation mascot. Who is bigger than me?

  4. Exec

    Well, uh, Mario, for starters.

  5. Spyro

    Mario? The Plumber? Get out of here.

  6. Exec

    He's really popular. Everyone loves plumbers.

  7. Spyro

    You know what else is popular? Dragons. Dragons are popular.

  8. Exec

    He has a giant lizard too. So cool…

Filed Under   conversations   spyro

Article SimCity Regrets

By Andrew Bridgman / March 7, 2013

SimCity Regrets - Image 1

Filed Under   sim city   EA

Article Arkham Asylum's Guard Trouble

January 12, 2011
  1. Guard

    Mr. Sharp? Can I come in?

  2. Quincy Sharp

    As long as it's quick, we're having a hell of a day here on the Island.

  3. Guard

    That's partly why I'm here. I've been thinking about how we're running the facility, and it just seems kind of dangerous.

  4. Quincy Sharp

    Dangerous? Of course it is. We have the most dangerous criminals in the world on this island. You knew that when you signed up.

  5. Guard

    Well I knew there were some of the most dangerous criminals in the world, but we literally have all of them. Every single dangerous criminal in the world. I was just thinking we could spread them out a little.

  6. Quincy Sharp

    Spread them out?

Filed Under   conversations   batman

Article Valve's Big Announcement Predictions

By Andrew Bridgman / September 24, 2013

Last week, Valve previewed three major announcements they would be making throughout the course of this week: one on Monday, one on Wednesday, and one on Friday. There has been much speculation about what these announcements would be, although Valve has dropped considerable hints towards what they might be. Yesterday, it was announced that they would be releasing their own operating system, known as SteamOS. Our analysts have looked at the clues and rumors that are swirling around the net to give you this in-depth analysis of this announcement, as well as what to expect on Wednesday and Friday.

 

Monday

Valves Big Announcement Predictions

Confirmed: SteamOS

Analysis: This Linux-based operating system (which will be available at no cost) will allow Steam-users to experience their gaming library on their living room TV screen in an easy, convenient manner. This appears to be laying the groundwork for something much bigger. Which brings us to...

 

Wednesday

Valves Big Announcement Predictions

Prediction: SteamBOX

Analysis: Finally, a dedicated piece of Valve hardware that can compete with next-gen consoles, but with the added edge of running Steam. We know that Valve has long wanted to produce their own piece of hardware, and Gabe Newell has even teased the idea for months. The public knowledge that Valve hired a hardware engineer a few months ago all but confirms their clear interest in making this product a reality.

A level-headed, business-savvy company like Valve understands that now is an ideal time to jump into this market. They don't make foolhardy decisions - the company is run by some of the shrewdest minds in gaming. That being said, there is still one more announcement left. What could possibly top this? Well...

 

Friday

Valves Big Announcement Predictions

Prediction: PORTAL GUNS ARE REAL AND HALF-LIFE 3 IS FREE AND ORIGIN IS SHUTTING DOWN AND EVERY DAY IS A STEAM SALE FROM NOW ON!!

Analysis: It's gotta either be this or a new kind of Team Fortress 2 hat.

Filed Under   news   valve   steam

Article Pwn Up: Grounded For Life

June 15, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Grounded For Life - Image 2
For me groundings as a kid meant "no playing video games". It was tough, but at least I still got to sit and watch my younger brother play. Eventually my mother figured out that it wasn't really punishment because I would end up telling my brother where to go and what to do in the game. Getting any kind of enjoyment out of video games negated the grounding. So my groundings soon began to include "no watching video games". Skip ahead a few weeks later I get in trouble once again, and get sent to my room. I was too stubborn to let my grounding disrupt my gaming. My mother was in shock when she came to check on me and discovered I was listening to an audio cassette recording my brother and I had taped of a playthrough of Contra. She didn't say I couldn't listen to video games.-Mike

A few weeks back I was a couple payments late on my car. Each payment is about $250, but when I had the money together after paying all my other bills, my PS3 stopped working. Rather than making a payment on my car, I chose to buy a new PS3 so I could start playing Arkham City. My car was reposessed shortly after, and as a result I lost my job for continuosly showing up late (from taking the bus). However, I DID beat Arkham City.-Ray

When I was a kid, my mother would often punish me by taking my Sega Genesis controllers away. As I was unable to play, I would load up Mortal Kombat II and watch the start menu until a demo fight started. My brother and I would try and guess which character was going to win.-Samuel

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: Everybody's Working for the Wii-kend

By Andrew Bridgman / October 5, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Everybodys Working for the Wiikend - Image 2
When I was a kid, I used to believe that anything you could do in a videogame could be done in real life if you tried hard enough. One day, my mom took my Game Boy away because I was playing too much. Since I was so short at that time, she would put things in high places to keep me away from them. I ate some mushrooms from our backyard, thinking I would get taller. I didn't realize until many years later that I could've died doing that. Not growing taller was still the more upsetting thing though.-Abraham

When I was in grade school, I had trouble remembering which side was "left" and which was "right". This was around the time the SNES first came out, and a friend and I were playing Super Mario World together. He had gotten the Nintendo Power issue that showed all the secret exits in the game. The picture illustrating how to find the exit to the blue switch palace showed Mario riding a Yoshi through a block that looked like it was part of the foreground, with a caption along the lines of, "You can move through the block on the left side of the screen." And to this day, when I need to remember which side is left and which is right, I usually imagine that picture in my mind along with the note that "Yoshi is on the Left."-Jacob

I was watching an episode of the Big Bang Theory a few years ago, and at one point, Sheldon said, "That is my spot, in an every changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, from the moment I first sat on it, would be 0-0-0-0." My first reaction wasn't, "wow, nerdy," but instead, "Cartesian? Since the earth is round, spherical coordinates would be more efficient."-Derek

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #32

January 4, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

Playing hardcore TDM on Black Ops I joined a lobby with about 10 seconds before Nuketown started. I had obviously joined in the middle of a conversation because all I heard was "… I don't care if she apologizes and scrubs her feet with Ajax, I'm going to stay here and play until about 3:30."-Steve
So one day me and my buddy Dilly were playing RBSV2 with a guy who must have been 13 to 15 years old. We started hearing his mom on the other end of the mic. His mom was asking him if he was gay or not, because she was trying to set him up with the neighbor's gay son. His reply to his mother was "I'm only gay on Tuesday, Mom!"SD
While playing a game of Halo 2 a while back my friends and I were playing a marathon of team slayer with our Aussie friend Static. After about an hour or so, one of our friends left and was promptly replaced with my friend's little brother. After a particularly exciting game where Static went 18-0 my friend's little brother stated the following:
Brother: Static I've been wondering something.Static: Yes?Brother: How the hell do you get electricity to your hut?There was a long silence followed by a burst of laughter when we realized he was serious.Static: I have a kangaroo on a treadmill in my backyard.-Joe
Filed Under   overheard on xbox