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Article State of the Sim City

June 7, 2010
  1. Advisor

    Mr. Mayor — I think we should talk about some of the complaints the citizens have had lately.

  2. Mayor

    Like what? Actually, wait one second – I'm gonna summon a monster attack.

  3. Advisor

    See – that's exactly what I'm talking about. You need to stop pressing the "Monster" and "Earthquake" buttons. Actually, we should probably have them uninstalled altogether.

  4. Mayor

    Listen: I was elected to this office –

  5. Advisor

    You created the town and have been running it for over 100 years with no elections.

  6. Mayor

    Same difference.

  7. Advisor

    Not really. There've also been some questions about your immortality, but we'll get to that later. First off, I think we should consider moving the nuclear power plant away from all the residential zones. Especially because you can't seem to stay away from the "Meltdown" button.

  8. Mayor

    Ugh, but if we move it away, it could cost over $90 in extra power lines! How am I supposed to explain that to the community?

  9. Advisor

    If we're talking about the budget, we should probably think of giving the fire department more than $0 funding a year. The fire at the airport has been raging for almost six years.

  10. Mayor

    Oh sure, then the police department will start asking for more money too!

  11. Advisor

    I doubt it, sir. Against the constant begging of the citizens, you still haven't built a single police station or hired any officers. If you'll look at the chart, the areas in red are where crime is the worst…

Filed Under   the sims   pc   conversations   sim city

Article If The Internet Wrote Ghostbusters

By Andrew Bridgman / September 6, 2013

Filed Under   ghostbusters

Article Conversations in the Terran Locker Room

August 18, 2010
  1. Marine

    Finally, I can get out of this chicken-sh*t outfit.

  2. Marauder

    Good job waxin' those critters today. Too bad those noob Zealots had to show up and ruin our fun.

  3. Marine

    Yeah, they were all like "honor guide me" and "it shall be done."

  4. Reaper

    More like, "your mom shall be done."

  5. Marine

    Get some! But seriously, I'm amazed they end up reproducing with how ugly the Protoss women are.

  6. Marauder

    Well, at least they aren't as slimy as the Zerg.

  7. Reaper

    I don't know man. Kerrigan is kind of hot.

  8. Marine

    What are you talking about? She's an evil monster.

  9. Reaper

    Yeah, but imagine what she could do with those tentacles, and that outfit!

  10. Marine

    She's the Queen of Blades, those limbs would unfurl your entrails boy, and that outfit is her exoskeleton. Plus I'm pretty sure she is infested bro.

Filed Under   starcraft   conversations

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #14

July 22, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I keep a paused DS next to me to play during load screens on console and PC games. Nerdy, yes, but I bet you just thought, "why didn't I ever think of that?"-Michael

I was checking out stuff on Dorkly when I saw a picture of a gamer wedding cake. The bride was dragging the groom away from a gaming session. My first thought wasn't how cool the cake was. It was, "How the hell is he playing Gears of War on a PS3?"-Dan K.

One of my goals in life is to get published by the Black Library, the people responsible for publishing Warhammer fiction.-Seth

I call my portable hard drive "The Death Star Plans," because they're not in the main computer.-Amber

When I suffered a stroke, I had my brother make one call for me. I had him tell the Dungeon Master that I wasn't likely to make it to D&D that weekend.-Juwl

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article 10 Videogame Facts About "Macho Man" Randy Savage

By Staff / June 3, 2011

Filed Under   wrestling   macho man

Article Pwn Up: The Dork Knight Rises

By Julia Lepetit / August 17, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: The Dork Night Rises - Image 1
My dad is in the Air Force and was deployed for a year so I wound up taking care of my little brother most of the time. I was also a Starcraft fanatic (I started at age 8) so I spent all of my free time playing. When it was time for my brother to go to sleep, I would lovingly rock him to the sound of exploding Zergs and machine guns. Now screaming and gunfire put him to sleep faster than lullabies.-Terisa

I never learned how to ride a bike when I was younger so when my girlfriend found out, she insisted on teaching me how to ride. At first, I was scared of falling off and would constantly stop myself because of that fear. Now, my girlfriend and I are huge fans of the "Dune" novels so at this point I shouted to my girlfriend "I'd rather ride a sandworm than a bike!" Then, she looked me in the eyes and told me "Fear is the mind killer", she put my hands on the handlebars and said "These are your maker hooks, ride Shai-Hulud and become a man". After a few repetitions of the Litany Against Fear, I psyched myself up, and pedaled the living hell out of that bike. Now I ride my bike, named Shaitan, whenever I get the chance.-Bryant

I decided to see The Dark Knight Rises on it's midnight release dressed as Batman. I was the only one in the entire theatre dressed up for the premiere. At some point, some joker (no pun intended) started getting laughing maniacally at everything. He was ruining the movie for everyone so I turned around and told him to shut up. He said "I think this is terribly funny. Who are you to decide what I laugh at?" In response, I stood up and in the raspy Batman voice, said "I'm Batman, your argument is invalid!" Just as I said that, on-screen Bane blew up the football field, the buildings, the streets, and the bridges. Everyone laughed intensely. No one could calm down for a full 5 minutes. That guy never spoke again for the entire movie. -Sawyer

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #36

February 1, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

So the other night I was playing COD black ops with my friends split screen online, my girlfriend was with us and was bored as hell so I gave her my mic and told her to talk trash to people. She started to make fun of people and all of the sudden she started laughing hysterically. I asked her what happened and she said that all of the kids were just like "OH MY GOD ARE YOU A GIRL????" then started screaming out their phone numbers.-Danny B.
While recently playing Team Fortress 2, some of the players got into a conversation about the new option to rename weapons and what names to use, some were genuinely funny, some where pop culture references, etc. Soon though one of the younger players stated he wanted a suggestion to for a weapon by asking "My flame thrower is good at blowing people, what should I call it?" which was immediately replied with "name it after your sister."-Michael B.
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Pwn Up: The Namek Saga

By Kevin Corrigan / August 19, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

We begin this issue with a special message to commenter Joe Banana: You've won the "Pwn Up Commenter Lifetime Achievement Award," for commenting "lol. nerds." on every issue of Pwn Up from 64 to 87, except issue 67 for some reason. To put that into perspective, Joe Banana made sure to be at his computer to comment nearly every Friday from Feb 18 to Aug 5. That's 23 straight weeks. He's spent almost half a year on this project. Joe Banana's unceasing dedication to the meaningless, repetitive task of trolling an Internet message board has solidified his nerd status. Joe Banana, this week you may "lol. nerds." at yourself. Congratulations.

I worked at an elementary summer-school program in July. One day, we were going over the planets during a science lesson. The kids had to fill in the missing planets and their characteristics. One kid drew Namek and a bunch of Namekians instead of Neptune. I thought it was so funny that I left it that way.-Paul

Every time I read an Pwn Up post about someone's girlfriend, I die a little inside. Only the nerdiest guys get featured here, and even they have/had girlfriends. I have not. Ever.-K9 (ed. note: If it makes you feel better, K9, this is a common submission)

When I was about 16, I was dating this guy who let me borrow Star Ocean 2. I loved that game. I played it all the time. After a month of dating, I heard from a mutual friend that he was upset because I was spending so little time with him. He was planning on breaking up with me because I played too much Star Ocean 2. I got pissed. I wasn't about to change my ways. Instead, I got my best friend to make a move on him. When I caught them I flew into a "surprised" rage, kicked him out of my house, told him I never wanted to see him again and kept his game. I'm 24 now and I still have it. I know, I'm conniving. I did feel bad, but then again he was willing to cheat on me with my best friend, so he's kind of a dick anyway, right? Right!-Kate

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article A Domestic Dispute From Link's Perspective

By David Beitzel / June 22, 2011

Hey, Zelda! Zellllda!!! Are we out of Deku juice again? Zelda! What, you're just going to ignore me? Real mature, Zelda. God, you can be such a child sometimes. All you ever do is complain about me not talking to you, and now this? Well, hunker down, princess. You want me to talk, I'll f**king talk.

So I was out all night with the guys. Big whoop. My day's not all rupees and fairy fountains, you know. Sometimes I have to save a certain princess from a certain warthog demon.

You know what I did today? I chopped down, like, a thousand bushes. I was covered in dirt, my hands were bloody and I got attacked by some real weird sh*t. I'm f**king lucky when I'm not getting chased by a seven-foot-tall lizard with a sword. That's a Wednesday for me. But it puts food on the table.

Filed Under   zelda

Article The Weekly IRL: 7 Pictures of Infected Cosplayers

By Staff / August 25, 2011

Filed Under   the weekly irl   zombies