Articles

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Article Pwn Up: Homestuck

By Andrew Bridgman / February 1, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: - Image 2
When I was 10, I bought my first GameBoy game – Pokemon: Blue Version. After I turned it on and started playing it, I got stuck: in my character's house. I didn't realize that the mat in front of the door was the way to exit a building. I spent about an hour pressing "A" on everything in that freaking house and gave up. I didn't touch the game or the GameBoy again until about 2 weeks later when a friend's sister showed me what to do after I told her I was "stuck" on one part in the game.
-Claire

I was late to work one day last week, and there is a long, clear, straight stretch of road I have to take to get there. The speed limit is 20 mph, though (because it's adjacent to a school parking lot and a residence hall), which makes it a great place for policemen to hang out and catch anyone going more than 5 over the speed limit. As I turned onto this road, my index finger began twitching – I was thinking of hitting F5 to quicksave in case I get caught speeding. I've been playing too much Skyrim.
-Natalie

I have a daughter on the way. I'm trying to convince my wife to name her Tali. I'm thinking of letting her name our daughter, so if we ever have a son, it'll be my decision and we can name him Garrus.
-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: Snake Healer

By Andrew Bridgman / August 24, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Snake Healer - Image 1
I skipped my school's Hershey Park field trip, telling everyone I was afraid of roller coasters. The real reason was so I could stay home and watch the E3 press conferences live.
-Jacob

A few weeks back I cut my foot open pretty bad. I thankfully found the first aid box in my house, but I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered how the health system in Metal Gear Solid 3 worked and was able to take care of my foot that night. I mean – I still had to go to the doctor a few days later. But Metal Gear Solid 3 saved me a trip to the emergency room.
-Virginia

I've been playing a lot of Skyrim lately, and was recently given a quest in Markarth called "The Forsworn Conspiracy". I won't go into all the details but eventually the quest lands you in prison where you have to break out with the leader of the Forsworn (at the time it didn't occur to me to kill him and break out myself) so I helped him and some of his followers break out. As soon as we did, they started wrecking havoc on the town and I began to panic. While I didn't care for the corrupt family that was in charge there and I did feel kinda bad about the Forsworn guys, I'd spent so much time helping various villagers and getting to like them that I just couldn't let this all happen to them. Unfortunately, my last save was from five hours earlier. After a few minutes of debate I decided that the good people of Markarth were worth losing a few hours of progress.
-Katie

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: The Majora Leagues

By Andrew Bridgman / November 9, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Majora League - Image 2
I was dating a girl not long ago, and we were out in a park. She mentioned that she didn't know how to waltz, so I started to show her the basic step. It was quiet, so I tried to think of a tune to go along with the dance. Before I knew it, I started singing "Song of Storms" from Ocarina of Time. We continued dancing through the entire song. I think I was secretly hoping it would start raining.
-Kyle

A friend of mine went on a mission trip the Philippines earlier this year. When he went to the Mall of Asia, he got bored waiting in line at the Starbucks. What he did then was randomly yell the first line of 'Still Alive' from Portal ("This was a triumph…"). Pretty soon, the whole line was singing along, except for a few very confused older people.
-Ian

I was one of 2 people waiting in line for the midnight release of Assassin's Creed 3. Probably would have been more except I was in New York during Hurricane Sandy. Still worth it though.
-Daniel

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Banjo's Backpack

May 9, 2010
  1. Kazooie

    Banjo, wake up! Grunty kidnapped your sister!

  2. Banjo

    Oh no, we have to save her! Quick, get in my backpack.

  3. Kazooie

    The fastest way to get….. wait, what?

  4. Banjo

    What?

  5. Kazooie

    Did you just tell me to get in your backpack?

  6. Banjo

    Well yeah, of course I did!

  7. Kazooie

    What good can I do if I'm in a backpack?

  8. Banjo

    It's got legholes so you can carry me up slopes!

  9. Kazooie

    Right….. look I think we need to talk.

  10. Banjo

    What do you mean?

  11. Kazooie

    I'm starting to feel like you think I'm some kind of tool for you to use however you like. I'm a living intelligent being, just like you and Mumbo and all those talking object with eyes. You treat me like crap and I'm sick of it.

  12. Banjo

    Now hold on, we're a team and we always will be! You and me, best buds forever!

  13. Kazooie

    What species of bird am I?

Filed Under   banjo and kazooie

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #30

December 14, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

One of my best friends hates campers, so we called him the Park Ranger. He didn't like it, and thought it was really dumb. One day while playing with him on MW2 on team Deathmatch, he started killing all the campers, one guy was being a particular douche about it, and so on the game winning kill he gets the camper and says over the mic, "The Park Ranger says no camping." Everyone laughed their asses off.
-Michael

While playing a sixteen-man game of HALO: Reach, one of my friends asked who "Respawn" was and how/why he kept killing her.
-Oscar

So there I am being an idiot on the Wii version of black ops using the headbanger headset and singing Justin Bieber songs very badly and this kid is all like "shut up! You can't even sing!" throughout the entire four matches he put up with me. Fortunately the Wii didn't have headsets before so all these six year olds don't know about the muting option. Now I can sing Justin Bieber all day and these six year olds have to put up with it.
-Joe Momma

I was playing a free-for-all wager match on Black Ops, and after discovering he wasn't the only one with a mic, a guy spoke up and said, "Hey, is it strange that I'm playing Call of Duty naked?" I responded: "Not if you win."
-Dan

Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article A Conversation Between Smash Bros. and my Ten-Year-Old Self

September 8, 2010
  1. Me

    Okay Kirby, you're going to do great. Just stay cool.

  2. Kirby

    Can I do a move other than the thing where I turn into a rock and drop on people?

  3. Me

    No. That's the best move ever. It works all the time…

  4. Kirby

    …on easy.

  5. Me

    Shut up, okay? We've been doing great. I'm good at video games. Anyway, are you ready for the final challenge?

  6. Kirby

    Yeah, I should be fine. I've fought everyone. Giant Donkey Kong, Metal Mario, polygons armies, whatever. I'm set.

  7. Me

    Right. Uh, Kirby, there's no easy way to say this. You're fighting a giant hand.

  8. Kirby

  9. Me

    It's a giant disembodied magic hand…that can shoot missile-bullets.

  10. Kirby

    Like the same giant hand that tosses us around at the beginning? And gives us life? Like, essentially our God?

  11. Me

    Yeah. I guess so. Also it's flying. So let's get going.

  12. Kirby

    …nothing we've done could have prepared me for this. I mean, this is the same hand that you can select me with. Has that even occurred to you? You're asking me to conquer God here. This has nothing to do with anything I've done so far.

  13. Me

    What about when we broke the targets? And landed on the platforms?

  14. Kirby

    Those parts are stupid and everyone hates them!

Filed Under   conversations

Article Pwn Up: I Can See Your Halo

By Andrew Bridgman / November 16, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: I Can See Your Halo - Image 1
When Halo 4 came out, I was the only one at the midnight release not getting it. I got a copy of Dragon Ball Z Budokai HD instead.
-Christian

I was so pumped to hear everyone throwing the word BAMF around recently. I thought it was cool that a comic book reference had become modern slang. It wasn't until much later that I found out that the current use of BAMF was not a reference to the sound Nightcrawler made when teleporting.
-Zack

I recently went to see a movie with my girlfriend. Since it was the Friday after Halloween, all the theater employees were dressed up. We go to get our popcorn and the cashier has an awesome Link costume, complete with a sword, shield and Navi. I compliment him on his costume and he lets out a big relieved sigh and says "Thanks man, you're the first person to get it. Everyone keeps calling me Peter Pan."
-Fraser

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Mario vs. Sonic Prank War

May 26, 2010

Article Pwn Up: Everybody's Working for the Wii-kend

By Andrew Bridgman / October 5, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Everybodys Working for the Wiikend - Image 2
When I was a kid, I used to believe that anything you could do in a videogame could be done in real life if you tried hard enough. One day, my mom took my Game Boy away because I was playing too much. Since I was so short at that time, she would put things in high places to keep me away from them. I ate some mushrooms from our backyard, thinking I would get taller. I didn't realize until many years later that I could've died doing that. Not growing taller was still the more upsetting thing though.
-Abraham

When I was in grade school, I had trouble remembering which side was "left" and which was "right". This was around the time the SNES first came out, and a friend and I were playing Super Mario World together. He had gotten the Nintendo Power issue that showed all the secret exits in the game. The picture illustrating how to find the exit to the blue switch palace showed Mario riding a Yoshi through a block that looked like it was part of the foreground, with a caption along the lines of, "You can move through the block on the left side of the screen." And to this day, when I need to remember which side is left and which is right, I usually imagine that picture in my mind along with the note that "Yoshi is on the Left."
-Jacob

I was watching an episode of the Big Bang Theory a few years ago, and at one point, Sheldon said, "That is my spot, in an every changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, from the moment I first sat on it, would be 0-0-0-0." My first reaction wasn't, "wow, nerdy," but instead, "Cartesian? Since the earth is round, spherical coordinates would be more efficient."
-Derek

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #10

July 28, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

During a Halo 3 session with my buddies we had gotten the mythic map packs before it was released for the USA. These group of 7-12 year-olds were begging us how you get them. We told them if you join recent players custom games and SCREAM AS LOUD AS YOU CAN you will receive the map packs from us. We got a party of around 10 of these kids. We join some random kids game and out of nowhere the recent player is freaking out because there is 10 little kids screaming their asses off!!
-Danceder0961

"I put up with so much crap from my ex-wife. When she asked if her boyfriend could move in with us, that's when I'd had it."
-Tim R.

Me and my friend were playing CoD MW2, and some kid with the gamertag "CalibratedLemur" was annoying everyone, yelling "GET SOME!" after every kill and generally being an ass. Then, about halfway through the game we hear: "Hey, CalibratedLemur. That rhymes with lubricated wiener, which is what you want, in your FACE." This followed with a weak "Nuh uh…", and then LubricatedWiener shut up. I think someone's due for a new gamertag.
-Sam W.

Filed Under   overheard on xbox