Article The Real Danger of SkyrimNovember 14, 2011
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Article 10 Ultimate Nerd InsultsNovember 30, 2010
For much of gaming history, publishers tossed around the word "realistic" as if it were a synonym for "quality." Some developers seemed to believe games would only be perfect once they had replicated every bowel movement, popped zit, and sweaty handshake found in real life. As you may imagine, hilariously awful missteps ensued. Here are six of the worst offenses committed in the name of "videogame realism."
6.) Dragonheart: Fire & Steel The Stamina Bar
A licensed game with broken features? Shocking, I know. Conceptually, the stamina bar is actually a solid gaming concept. It's a special power (like speed) that the player can dole out at their leisure. In Dragonheart, however, you didn't lose stamina when you sprinted or used a special attack, but literally every time you swung your sword. Taking on more than few opponents left you either panting and out of breath, or hiding behind your shield, hoping nobody saw you. Add embarrassingly visible erections, and it was seventh grade gym all over again!
Pokemon X & Y was announced less than a week ago and the only information available to the public is in the announcement trailer. Yet within hours of its release, the internet went to work creating an absurd amount of fan art based on the FIVE new Pokemon we were made aware of. They made stylized art, GIFs, theoretical evolutions, and more. Here is just a small sample of the impossible amount of fan art that the internet has created for a game that won't be out for another 9 months.
Welcome. Today we're here to discuss breasts, and their influence on contemporary gamer culture. Mind you, this is no exploitation column. No, this is an art gallery my friend. And this is a piece of art. Were this a crude, uncouth exploration of the subject matter, many if not all of you could simply enter "boobs" into Google and find comparable material. Or, if you're looking for truly tasteless video game material, there's always Custer's Revenge
But this is no vulgar parade. No, grab your wine and sip from the rim in gentlemanly fashion, for today we dive into only the finest, most refined moments of videogame nudity today. No exploitation, no titillation: just fine, beautiful, sexy nudity.
6. Woo hoo! I made my Sim Woo Hoo! (The Sims)
While other games may throw in T&A (and sometimes D) for titillation or entertainment, there's nothing terribly attractive or exciting about it in The Sims. The whole point of making Woo Hoo with someone in this life simulator is to achieve goals or procreate. Sure, it might be a little silly when it comes to animation, but that's just in keeping with the aesthetic. It's not meant for a Spank Bank deposit. No, the Sims, even in their dirtiest hour, are clean and wholesome. There are no strip clubs in this world, no Sims Gone Wild. It's just sex, plain and pixelated.
Of course, that didn't stop you or I from downloading the mods so we could peep in on our hot neighbor as he or she took a shower what? You didn't do that?
Classiness Level 3: for giggles and silliness, but there's also nothing titillating about cartoons getting it on. Um, right?
The holiday season is upon us, and everybody knows the best part of the holidays is all the new games. Remember repeatedly seeing the commercials for games you REALLY wanted? It was painful, but it was also kind of great. In a perfect world every commercial made before the year 2000 would be included on this list, as they're all glorious in their own way, but this site isn't made of unlimited space, so we had to opt for 15 instead of 15 thousand.
Before we had Rock Band or Guitar Hero (or any music game for that matter), we had PaRappa the Rapper, the lovable dog who taught us all how to believe. This commercial really helped to convey the consummate weirdness of PaRappa the Rapper to the general public. To this day, people who have never played the game still know about the part where the weird stoner lizard sings about having to pee.
Truthfully, this is a pretty standard commercial for the time period. I mean, I like it, but I don't love it. But what sets this apart from any other commercial of the era is a young Paul Rudd, blown away by the powerful graphics generated by the Super NES. It makes you wish that Paul Rudd would do another commercial for Nintendo today, charming us all by simply talking about Wii Sports Resort or the new Donkey Kong. Now that, I can get into.
A few weeks ago we released a list of the 6 Greatest Videogame Theories on the Internet. The response was great everyone seemed genuinely interested in exploring the dark, twisted conspiracies behind our favorite videogames. But soon strange things started happening at our office. Interns vanished without a trace. Mysterious black vans appeared outside. As some commenters on our site and Reddit fairly pointed out, our first article just brushed the tip of the iceberg. Deep below, in the freezing waters of truth, more mysteries lay submerged. So now we're going deeper. Too late to back out now, you're already involved. They're watching you as you read this. Just stay calm, play it cool, and prepare yourself for 6 more of the greatest videogame fan-theories the internet has to offer.
6. The Lost Pokemon War (Pokemon Red / Blue)
A good half of the insane video game theories floating around online make their home in the world of Pokemon. Maybe it's because the in-game society is so simple and perfect. Too perfect; in fact, the whole thing gives off a serious Prisoner vibe. What are the smiling citizens of Kanto trying so desperately to hide?
You start the game with no father, and are the man of your household. Your rival has no parents at all. The only adult man in your village, the aging Professor Oak, trusts his most important research to you, a mere child. In fact, Kanto's men are mostly children or the very old. The few men in their prime are tied up in Gyms or organized crime. Every town is equipped with a state-of-the-art medical center. A little weird, sure, but not that sinister until you meet Lt. Surge in Vermilion City and he lets slip a harmless little comment about the war. Wait. War?
Surge definitely went to war, but he's no old soldier. He looks pretty young about the age your character's dad would have been. Could Kanto have just seen the end of a long, bloody war? Are you and your rival members of the first generation to live in peace? It can't be it can't! I I I wanna be the very best sniff
When moving through any game, your goal is usually to move up the food chain: get better guns, get better armor, get better everything. Get to the point where you're unstoppable, where you can mow through enemies like a weed whacker through a bunch of easily-whacked weeds. But this desire needs to be kept in check because when the developers include weapons that are too good, it can completely throw off the balance of the whole game. There's no need for strategy or real challenge with weapons that are that powerful and just like when Tim Allen makes a way too powerful weed whacker on Home Improvement, sometimes we need to recognize when things have gone too far. These are the 15 most overpowered weapons in videogame history.
15. Fierce Diety's Mask (The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask)
Getting all the masks in Majora's Mask is something of a pain (unless you're Bill Murray in Groundhog's Day and used to this kind of stuff, but in which case, you're also a fictional character). Unfortunately, you need them all to get the final and most ridiculously-powerful mask in the game the Fierce Deity's Mask. The FDM transforms Kid Link into, well, the Fierce Deity (who looks a lot like Adult Link but with gray hair and some bad facepaint). While it can only be used in boss fights, the mask makes the game a joke even the final boss fight against Majora's Mask becomes a quick scuffle, with Fierce Deity Link shooting his laser-sword against the helpless evil mask. It's like if they let you beat Ganon in Ocarina of Time by having Biggoron step on him.
Kinda makes you wonder how this thing nearly brought the apocalypse down on Clock Town. Also makes you wonder why they didn't evacuate Clock Town the second they noticed the moon was, like, 100 yards away.
Getting around in games can be a hassle. Just like in real life, it's nice to have a faster option so that you don't always have to trudge through Mt. Moon one step at a time, fending off Zubats. Unlike real life, you don't have to settle for a used '96 Toyota Corolla. Here are the 10 greatest modes of transportation in videogame history.
10. Rush (Mega Man series)
The only thing better than a loyal dog companion is a loyal dog companion that can turn into a jet, a submarine, a springboard, and about 20 other things (depending on which game you happen to be playing). Rush, the robot dog of Mega Man, was a blessing when he first appeared now you had the option of flying across the pits of spikes instead of trying to make perilous and risky jumps. Of course, you could only use Rush for short bursts of time, just like a regular dog who caught on that you were out of Beggin' Strips.