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Article The Dorklyst: The 10 Most Frustrating Achievements in Xbox Live History

March 24, 2011

Remember the good ol' days, when you could just beat a game, pop open a celebratory 2-liter of Mountain Dew, and then move on with your life? Those days went away the instant that Achievements were introduced. Now we live in a world where your work on a game is done only when you've beaten each level perfectly 10 times and played for a month straight – and that's the easy ones. Some games include achievements that seem like jokes – surely the developers never thought anyone would actually waste enough time to complete them. But gamers never walk away from a challenge. They do, however, bitch about them on the internet. Here are the 10 most frustrating achievements in Xbox Live history.

10) Aperture Science (Portal) – Earn gold medals on all Portal challenges (40G)

While Portal got a lot of praise when it came out for its unique, hilarious, and fun style of gameplay, no one really mentioned how this achievement would take all that goodness and twist it around to sinister ends. A few of the challenges could be entertaining if only to screw around with the game's great mechanics, but some other ones (Least Steps, go walk off a cliff in 10 steps or less, please) were brutally difficult and frustrating. The only thing that could comfort you after a few hours of these challenges would be a nice big slice of cake, and …wait – WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

9) Vesperia Master (Tales of Vesperia) – Aim for total completion (0G)

Okay – this is just plain insulting. Getting all of the achievements in Tales of Vesperia is no easy task (Secret Mission 17, Item Nerd, etc.), but then to offer you absolutely ZERO gamer points for it? Fine, if that's your attitude, maybe we'll just play and enjoy the game without considering arbitrary points and achievements. No! I didn't mean it! Come on, daddy needs that shiny new gamerscore!

Filed Under   xbox   achievements   the dorklyst

Article 7 Terrible Ideas for Videogames

February 4, 2011

Filed Under   water levels

Article The 10 Most Absurdly Powerful Pokemon In Existence

By Andrew Bridgman / September 25, 2013

  10 of the Most Absurdly Powerful Creatures in the Pokemon World

The most incredible thing about Pokemon (beyond how many Pokemon articles the internet will tolerate) is that, somehow, humanity has enslaved them. These are super-powered animals that should have easily conquered this planet of puny homo sapiens long ago. Yet for whatever reason, they listen to our commands without question and battle each other for our own amusement. But a few of them have no excuse - they're described as so insanely powerful, it's incredible that they haven't risen up and smashed us into oblivion. These are the 10 Pokemon that are too ridiculously-strong for their (and our) own good.


10. Magcargo

10 of the Most Absurdly Powerful Creatures in the Pokemon World

Magcargo's body temperature is approximately 18,000 degrees F. Water is vaporized on contact. If this Pokémon is caught in the rain, the raindrops instantly turn into steam, cloaking the area in a thick fog. (Sapphire)

Okay - the surface of the sun is approximately 10,000 degrees F. Which means (*adjusts tie*) MAGCARGO IS NEARLY TWICE AS HOT AS THE SUN. You know that Smashmouth song, "Might As Well Be Walkin' On The Sun?" That's more realistic than being anywhere near Magcargo, since this lava slug thing is literally ALMOST TWICE AS HOT AS THE FREAKIN SUN. SOL, THE CENTER OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM, IS PRETTY DAMN CHILLY COMPARED TO THIS SINGLE INDIVIDUAL POKEMON.

Although, just to test it out, we should probably send the members of Smashmouth to confirm.

Filed Under   pokemon

Article 25 Incredible Pokemon Fusions

By Staff / June 3, 2013

Since anything you can imagine is already something that exists on the internet, there's a website called Pokemon Fusion, which allows you to fuse two Pokemon together into an entirely new Franken-mon. The result is usually something somewhat ridiculous-looking, if only because the pixels don't quite line up as they should. But artists from across the 'net decided to flesh out the combo-mons with full-fledged illustrations. These are some of the best.

Filed Under   pokemon   internerd   pokemon fusion

Article Weird Sexual Innuendos in Pokemon

By Staff / August 9, 2013

Filed Under   sex   pokemon   internerd

Article Things Worth Less Than What Grand Theft Auto V Made In One Day

By Andrew Bridgman / September 20, 2013

Filed Under   money   infographic   gta v   grand theft auto v

Article 5 Reasons Final Fantasy VII Is Better Than Having A Girlfriend

May 11, 2010

Filed Under   girlfriend   final fantasy

Article The Real Danger of Skyrim

November 14, 2011

Filed Under   facebook   skyrim

Article The Dorklyst: The 7 Best and 7 Worst Sidekicks in Videogame History

June 7, 2010

Behind every great hero is a sidekick – Batman had Robin, Simon had Garfunkel, Steven Seagal had his ponytail. But for every loyal sidekick with impressive skillsets, there's a worthless blob of pixels that's only purpose is dying and screaming. Here's our tribute to the sidekicks who picked up the slack and made life easier, and the ones who made life a 64-bit hell.


BEST: Tails (Sonic Series)

When Tails hit the scene, two-player Sonic no longer meant "you get a turn after I die." Suddenly, you had a way to keep your little brother from throwing a fit and you never had to give up the controller – just let him be the two-tailed fox. Sure, Tails wasn't as fast as Sonic, but he was just an added bonus – killing enemies, coming back to life when he died, and collecting leftover rings (which were always plentiful. Seriously, Green Hill Zone was like a Gollum wet dream come true). And when Sonic 3 rolled around and Tails could airlift Sonic over pits, your little brother finally had an actual purpose other than getting you Dunkaroos between stages.

WORST: Slippy Toad (Star Fox 64)

The Star Fox team was not exactly ideal. There was a past-his-prime rabbit who was all too accepting of his own demise, a dickish falcon who actually insulted you for not letting him die in a fiery explosion, and, worst of all, a pre-pubescent toad who was always on the verge of death and intent on screaming at you to save him. (Also, none of them had opposable thumbs.) Like most terrible sidekicks, Slippy was simply a magnet for enemy attacks, rarely fired back, and had the most annoying voice in the history of annoying videogame voices (sorry, Fran Drescher 64). Sure, you couldn't get the good ending and save the galaxy if you let Slippy die, but at least you could do your barrel rolls in peace.

Article 8 Pokemon Hipsters

October 8, 2010

Filed Under   hipsters   pokemon