Articles

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Article The Dorklyst: 6 Games That Wish They Were Pokemon

By Brian Murphy and Owen Parsons / May 4, 2011


Pokemon is one of the most recognized, most-adored video game franchises in the world. Its addictive "catch 'em all" formula is so potent it's basically a mandatory $35 tax on having a child. But dozens of competitors have also tried to create their own collectible monster empires; some have done well, some haven't. But every game's subtext is clear: "I wish I was Pokemon. I want to be Pokemon so bad." Here are six of the jealous types:

6) Dragon Warrior Monsters:


If Japanese RPG's were a high school, Dragon Warrior/Quest would be a decade-reigning-super-senior with a legal drinking ID and the popularity of 12 condensed Fonzies. Let the other franchises come and go… Dragon Quest will still be sitting here on his truckbed, pounding beers with his buddy Final Fantasy for as long as the genre exists. Until, (record scratch), that Pokemon kid from across town showed up and upset the pecking order. That's when DQ lowered his sunglasses and muttered "I gots to learn me those moves."

So we get Dragon Warrior Monsters and the "privilege" of catching monsters instead of just swording them to death. Charmed, thank you. But there is some awesome news: when filling out their bestiary, DWM dipped into six RPG's worth of old enemies, meaning we could command mummies, robots, and ghost dragons of our very own. But while post-capture Pokemon unconditionally love you as if you weren't the same wandering jackass who beat them into unconsciousness, these guys had to be watched, or they'd go wild again. Plus, getting a monster you wanted was a lot more complicated than tossing a Pokeball. You could lure the basic ones with meat, but if you wanted an Ultra-rare Godspawn of your very own, you had to hatch it. And that meant generation after generation of monster breeding. But hey, if watching two mummies pork was your goal, then maybe this is the game for you.

Filed Under   pokemon   the dorklyst

Article The Dorklyst: The 10 Greatest Suits in Videogame History

By Dan Angelucci / July 19, 2011


In the early days of video gaming, fancy outfits were not an option. The Space Invaders were as indecent as they were violent, and Pac-Man made his rounds with his pellets hanging out. As time wore on and graphics got better, this simply wouldn't do, and characters needed real costumes and outfits.

Among video game outfits, there's perhaps none more revered than the suit. Be it a fancy dining jacket, or a metal suit with special powers, suits are one of the cornerstones of video game character design. Here is our celebration of the greatest videogame suits.


10. Suit (Tim, Braid)


Most of the "greatest suits" in video game history are suits that have some effect on gameplay. The suit worn by Tim, main character of Braid, is not one of these. While it has no bearing on the character's powers (unless it's a time travel suit and I missed something, but I doubt it, because the dinosaur didn't mention it, and I trust that guy), it does give the game an interesting, classy aesthetic. There's something endearing about a character going through a big, messy adventure who insists on wearing a suit, like a tiny pixelated Christopher Nolan.


9. OctoCamo Suit (Solid Snake, Metal Gear Solid 4)

Throughout the Metal Gear Solid series, Snake has had a variety of interesting suits, ranging from an unlockable tuxedo to a cardboard box, but perhaps the most useful suit worn by Snake is the "OctoCamo" from MGS4. This suit, given to him by Otacon (who else?), is a smart camouflage that can blend into any environment, and even match the temperature of the surrounding area. As you might expect, this makes a sneaking mission much easier. In fact, a little too easy. Wow, I just lost all respect for Snake. It's like he's not even trying anymore. (Just like Kojima. Boom, roasted.)

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article The Most Ridiculous GTA .GIFs

By Andrew Bridgman / September 16, 2013

The Smoothest Exit

When you're bored of breaking the laws of man, break the laws of physics.

 

Psycho Woody

"THERE'S A SNAKE ON YOUR SHIRTDON'T WORRY, I'LL GET IT..."

Filed Under   grand theft auto   gta   wtf   mods   gifs   internerd

Article The Dorklyst: 7 Of The Cheapest Boss Fights In Video Game History

By Sophie Prell / September 14, 2011


Many of us gamers bemoan the lack of challenging battles in today's games. It seems that the controller-chuckingly stressful boss fights of yesteryear have been largely replaced by streamlined QTEs, cutscenes, and a significant drop in difficulty in order to appeal to a broader audience. Well, prepare to retrospectively grind your teeth in agony, because this is a tribute to seven of the cheapest boss fights in video game history. Not including SNK bosses; those gloryhounds already got the very concept of cheap bosses named after them.


7. Death Egg (Sonic The Hedgehog 2)


Once you actually learned things like "timing" and "spatial awareness," this fight wasn't all that hard. But Sonic The Hedgehog 2 came out in 1992, meaning you were probably just barely old enough to understand simple concepts like "Robotnik bad," "Must beat Robotnik," and "Jump at bad things." Couple this with the panic of running ring-less through the Death Egg Zone, taking on two bosses, and you have a recipe for hedgehog stew. Even the immortal Tails couldn't help on this final level!

Oh, and keep in mind that Genesis games like Sonic 2 didn't have a save system. If you failed enough times at this fight, you had to start the game completely over. It's a level and fight that neither I nor my grandmother's busted television will ever forget.

6. Anima (Final Fantasy X)


Oh sure, you could go in prepared for this fight, all knowing what to do and sh*t, and not break a sweat. Or you could play casually and find yourself facing an impossible battle with a fell beast torn from the world of Hellraiser. Seriously, Final Fantasy X is 99 percent rainbows, sparkling quetzalcoatls, and underwater soccer-playing Jamaicans who take hairstyle tips from There's Something About Mary. And then this unholy abomination gets dragged up from Hell with a grappling anchor.

Anima has only two attacks, both of which are magical in nature, and as you can imagine, they've got cheery names: Pain and Oblivion. Without proper spell resistance, Pain is an instant kill and Oblivion can typically deal 99,999 to 1,599,984 damage depending on your version of the game. What a nice lady to fight. Huh? You didn't know that? Oh yeah. That's totally a chick. And thus, there most assuredly must be pornography of it somewhere. Isn't the Internet fun?

Filed Under   bosses   lists   the dorklyst

Article The Dorklyst: The 5 Biggest Mistakes Ever Made By Nintendo

By Andrew Bridgman / May 24, 2012
The Dorklyst: The 6 Biggest Mistakes Ever Made By Nintendo - Image 8

Nintendo is an incredible company – they essentially invented the modern videogame market, are responsible for the most recognizable figures in gaming, and have always pushed innovation when they could simply rest on their laurels. However, they've also made several huge mistakes, and it's sort've a miracle they're still a company, let alone a successful one. Here are the five biggest mistakes Nintendo ever made.

5. Virtual Boy

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The year was 1995 – the Super Nintendo Entertainment Systems (SNES) was already 5 years old, and the Nintendo 64 wouldn't be released for another year. Gamers wanted something new – something they hadn't experienced before: they wanted to jam their faces into a piece of plastic held up by a thin legs and play games with ugly graphics in nothing but red and black colors. Or, at least, that's what Nintendo thought was the case.

It's hard to tell what Nintendo's intention was with the Virtual Boy at all – it couldn't have been to replace the Game Boy, because it wasn't easily portable at all, and required a hard, flat surface for use. It definitely wasn't their idea of a "next gen" console, since it was developed concurrently with the Nintendo 64 (which was released a year later). It was the ugly red-headed (literally) stepchild. And, at some point, Nintendo realized that too. They rushed it to release so they could move all development resources to the upcoming Nintendo 64. The result? Nintendo's first major failure.

How bad did it do? It was only out for a year, and only 22 games were released (and less than 15 were released in North America). After that, it was gone for good. Papa told me he took it to a farm upstate, the same one he took our dog to when he got too old and sick. I bet Rex is jamming his face in it right now.

Fun Fact: The game largely thought to be the worst one for the Virtual Boy was Water World. And when you consider Virtual Boy is Nintendo's worst system – that may make Water World for Virtual Boy the worst game in history. Good news, ET for Atari.

Article 10 Pokemon Pick-up Lines

September 3, 2010


Filed Under   pickup lines   pokemon

Article The Dorklyst: The 9 Worst Superhero Teams of All-Time

By Dan Abromowitz / August 31, 2012
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Teamwork is the key to success, especially when team members have the ability to phase through walls or literally bend time and space. When superheroes get together and form a team, it usually results in a stronger whole, with the different powers complementing each other and helping eradicate the worst scum in the universe. However, sometimes the teams of multiple superheroes are terrible. This goes against all logic, but groups of super-powered individuals can suck - either because the members are ridiculous, or ill-suited for one another, or because the team is nothing but a bunch of pets. Here are the 9 worst superhero teams of all-time.

9. X-Force/X-Statix

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The original X-Force was a Rob Liefield-created posse of loud muscular guys who thought coolness was determined by the number of pouches strewn across your massive build, with names like "Shatterstar" and "Warpath," led by King Pouch-Enthusiast, Cable. It sold tremendously well and helped to ruin superhero comic books for a little while. After a few different grim-n-gritty reboots, the series was given to the freewheeling team of Peter Milligan and Michael Allred, who promptly killed the whole team in an explosion and came up with their own. In their hands, X-Force became an spectacularly biting meta-commentary on the comic business, featuring a team of self-obsessed, dysfunctional, fame-addicted assholes whose sole purpose is to cause flashy carnage in order to sell merchandise, based on the whims of their managers and a fickle consuming public. Unpopular characters would be killed in the field, so each team members would do everything in their their power to stay relevant, at the expense of the team (one subplot centered around the token black character trying to prevent another black superhero from joining for fear that he'll be killed off as soon as he's no longer the minority, while another centered around two characters grudgingly striking up a gay love affair to drive up their popularity).

By the end of the Milligan/Allred run, the entire team (renamed "X-Statix," to be sufficiently x-treme) had been murdered several times over, and sales had dropped precipitously, despite the creative team giving the Marvel audience exactly what they apparently wanted. The reins were handed back to Liefield, because testosterone must flow.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article The Dorklyst: 8 Terrible Levels in Great Games

By Daniel Abromowitz / August 24, 2011


One awful level doesn't make for a terrible game. In fact, it's often quite the opposite. Many classics include at least one conniption-inducing section, presumably to level out the sheer awesomeness that is the rest of the game. Here's our tribute to 8 levels that almost made us give up on our favorites.

8. Turbo Tunnel (Battletoads)


Battletoads' infamous hoverbike run is the level even your older brother couldn't beat for you. Let's get something straight first, Battletoads ain't easy. Where other brawlers were content to let you spam the throw button, Battletoads demanded tight combos and well-placed huge-fisted punches. The game would never let you get comfortable, either, changing up game mechanics faster than most people change something that people change quickly. But there's hard, and then there's hard. And then there's Turbo Tunnel, a level designed with the sole purpose of getting controllers from one side of the room to the other at speeds upwards of 90 MPH.

Even if you somehow had the stones to make it to level 3 with all of your lives intact, all of that could be stripped away in twenty seconds by a few wrong twitches. Turbo Tunnel reminds gamers of the harsh reality that life just isn't fair, a truth most people use video games to escape from. Sure, there are YouTube videos of people playing it perfectly in one go, but there are YouTube videos of monkeys drinking their own pee, too. I don't know what point I'm trying to make. F**k the hoverbike level.

7. Meat Circus (Psychonauts)


(SPOILERS) Indie sleeper hit Psychonauts did a lot of things right: It was laugh-out-loud funny and endearingly weird, had some of the most original and mindbending level design in gaming, and featured a level inside the mind of a gigantic mutated lungfish named Linda. As a platformer, though, it left a little to be desired; the controls were just a little too clunky, the camera a little too imprecise. Nowhere was this more apparent than in the Meat Circus, a psychic amalgam of the minds of protagonist Razputin (raised in a carnival) and antagonist Coach Oleander (raised by a butcher).

The Meat Circus somehow makes meat, one of nature's best things, into an object of revulsion. Tasked with defending Oleander's inner child against mutated rabbit creatures, you're forced to endure repeatedly failing at platforming while listening to the little fat kid whine (Hearing "Ow!" and "That hurts!" bring my blood to a boil almost as quickly as "Hey, listen!"). Somehow, the Meat Circus managed to combine all of the most frustrating elements of video games: escort missions, rising water, relentless, high pitched voice overs, and endless boss battles. Plus, even the name is terrible: Meat Circus sounds like the name of a dirty magazine that I definitely don't own a few copies of.

Filed Under   lists   the dorklyst   levels

Article Professor Oak Isn't a Good Professor

November 8, 2010
  1. Professor Oak

    Ah, Red, you're back. Did you study the mating habits of the Wigglytuff?

  2. Red

    Professor, we have to talk.

  3. Professor Oak

    About the Poke'dex-

  4. Red

    What kind of professor are you?

  5. Professor Oak

    Excuse me?

  6. Red

    You know that level five poke'mon are really, really low, right?

  7. Professor Oak

    Well-

  8. Red

    And three of them is not a lot of Poke'mon for a world famous professor to have. At first I was like, "oh, wow, a Poke'mon!". It turns out there are lots and lots of Poke'mon.

  9. Professor Oak

    Yeah, well-

  10. Red

    What, you never saw a Rattata? They're everywhere. Level eights. Here, I got you twelve.

  11. Professor Oak

    Why, the Poke'dex must have helped-

Filed Under   conversations   pokemon

Article The Dorklyst: 7 Ways Videogames Scared You Away From Drugs

By Dan Abromowitz / July 27, 2012
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I was a couple years too young to have gone through the D.A.R.E. program that so much of my generation fondly remembers in the form of ironic t-shirts. Somehow, though, I learned to respect my body and keep myself on the straight and narrow, and like all of the best parts of myself, I chalk my drug-free lifestyle up to spending my formative years playing hours and hours of video games. While drug education relied on horror stories, video games maximized the coercive power of fear by letting us live the nightmare of a drug-filled lifestyle firsthand. Here's a rundown of the reasons to stay off drugs, as taught by gaming.

7. They'll Make You Explode

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In Grand Theft Auto III, the Colombian cartels have introduced a new drug called SPANK to the streets of Liberty City, and it's a doozy. Something like cocaine on PCP, SPANK is highly addictive and causes paranoia and insanity, which is fine, if that's what you're into. SPANK starts getting problematic, though, in the mission "Kingdom Come," where you're attacked by "SPANKed-up madmen" with explosive vests and a passion for blastin'. The only thing more terrifying than combustible junkies are combustible junkies who won't shut up, and the SPANKed-up madmen have that pegged: they laugh like jackals and repeatedly yell "COME TO PAPA!", among the grossest interjections in the henchman's catalogue. I consider myself an adventurous guy, but if I'm starting my night with something I think is safe, healthy, mom-and-pop cocaine and ending it screaming my way across a parking lot with a C-4 shirt on, I might just pass this time.

Filed Under   drugs   bioshock   gta   fallout   pokemon   the dorklyst