Gamers love a good challenge. Unless it involves an underwater level. Or a mine cart. Or pretty much anything from Mega Man 9. Come to think of it, gamers are frustrated by a lot of things. Here's a tribute to the levels that made us collectively break our controllers.
1. Battle Toads: Turbo Tunnel
The most annoying level of the Citizen Kane of near-impossible video games, the BattleToads speederbike level, is the reason why the Game Genie and adderall were invented. Nothing short of John Nash-like spatial recognition is enough, as even thousands of plays can still leave the most talented gamers in the fetal position. What sets it apart from other classic video games, and what is perhaps its most annoying quality, is that years later it still retains the same level of difficulty it had when you were 9.
Hi everybody! Sophie Prell won't be joining us today. Instead, allow me to introduce myself in her stead. I am Sofia Bell, video game journalist, humor writer, and just plain good-lookin' gal on the Internet. My lawyer has advised me to state that, for the record, I have never heard of Sophie Prell, and any similarities between my own writing and hers are purely coincidental. That disclaimer firmly and totally legally! out of the way, I thought I'd bring with my introduction a present. Dear Dorkly, I give you seven of the most blatant video game rip-offs of all time!
7. Fighter's History
Let's face it, there isn't a single fighting game in all of history that makes a whole lot of sense, and likewise none that are too original. Fighter A punches Fighter B, both are competing to be top dog in the world's greatest martial arts tournament, which is secretly run by an evil dictator/corporation/demon/all of the above. Have I just described the plot to your favorite fighting game? Have I just described the plot to all of them?
Well not Fighter's History! Fighter's History was different, by god! At least, it was legally ruled to be so when Capcom sued developer Data East over copyright infringement. Why the suit? Oh, no reason. It totally looks like its own game. But hey, you know what Street Fighter never had? A weirdly androgynous Chun-Li. Mmm, just think about what might come from that spinning bird kick.
6. Great Giana Sisters
Let it never be said that early video game developers didn't believe in the concept of gender equality. Or maybe just a cheap buck. Take a look at this screenshot. Or this one. Even the recent port and upgrade for the DS version barely changes what is clearly a rip off of Super Mario Bros. tripping balls on acid. Goombas now have horns, lobster-ants crawl through lava, and Lovecraftian eyeball-tentacle monsters lie in wait around every corner.
And what in the goddamn is up with that cover? I understand that early games had notoriously bad presentation with their art, but this looks like the artist didn't know if they were going for a Heavy Metal homage or if they wanted to purposefully confuse every young male gamer's erection into painful submission. Is this game for children? I don't know! What's that dragon doing in the background? No idea! My entire reaction to this game can be summarized as a succinct and elegant, "What is this, I don't even."
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the chances of you meeting porn star Jenna Haze, supermodel Heidi Klum, or actress Eva Longoria to do the nasty in real life are slim to none. That's why we have pictures on the Internet and locks on our bedroom doors. But there is another upside to this fact we nerds can use to our advantage: if anyone thought your unhealthy obsession over that infamous Lara Croft nude hack made you creepy, feel free to point out that your chances of meeting the shapely Ms. Croft are just about the same as those mentioned above.
In other words, it's totally cool to fantasize about fictional people. And I'm gonna add some fuel to that fire of passion with this sultry list of sexy video game characters. Bow chicka wow wow!
5. (Women) Morrigan Aesland Darkstalkers
Morrigan is a succubus. Okay? She's a succubus. For those that don't know, that means she's a demon whose entire purpose is to infiltrate dreams in the guise of a beautiful woman and have sex with sleeping men in order to steal their manpower (if you know what I mean) and make more demons. However, since, according to legend, demons are infertile, what they actually do is act as sexy tupperware for semen by carting it over to a sleeping human female, transforming into their male counterpart, the incubus, and impregnating them with the stolen sperm. Or they might not, and just give you the most terrifying nocturnal emission you've ever had.
Sadly, while Morrigan is one of the most sexually appealing characters in all of video game history with her come hither looks, sinfully good taste in clothing, and massive uh, wings her kind was basically the best excuse horny teenagers could come up with for why Mom found stains in the laundry. And despite the proliferation of hot succubi imagery that abounds on the Internet, classic artists pictured them more like this in their true form, and H.R. Giger envisioned Lilith, one of the first succubi, looking like this. Yeah, try to put that into a leotard.
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Article The Dorklyst: The 5 Weirdest Changes George Lucas Ever Made To The Original Star Wars Trilogy (Not Including "Han Shot First")
5. Adding More Dewbacks To The Droid Search on Tattooine
Why is the Empire using multiple giant lizards for transportation on this desert planet? If they were sand people, okay, I'd get it. Sand people aren't the most technologically advanced folk in this universe, and they use whatever is available to them.
But the Empire is not only technologically advanced, they are the MOST technologically advanced organization in the galaxy. They have a laser that blows up planets. They can have their giant Star Destroyers travel at light speed with no issue. But when they're looking for droids on a desert planet, they choose to travel by giant iguana? You have to feed and care for these giant, unwieldy animals that are difficult to control. Even a poor farmboy has a landspeeder. Why wouldn't they use one too? Odds are they have ones that are way better than Luke's, and would probably have tools to help find droids that would not be susceptible to bearded old guys waving their hands. If one or two Stormtroopers were using dewbacks it would be okay (maybe their landspeeder broke down or they were being punished for another terrible day at the shooting range), but the idea of this many Stormtroopers riding fat, slow iguanas is a little weird.
In the days before the internet, urban legends and straight-up hoaxes spread like wildfire, thanks to an overeager willingness to believe anything and nothing to keep the rumors in check. There was no one to deny the existence of wild claims like bringing dead characters back to life, with the exception of a few gaming magazines (such as EGM, which as you'll see often perpetuated the hoaxes themselves). And when they turned out to be untrue lies, the harsh reality of our crushed dreams stung. But you know what stung more? TRYING TO BEAT MORTAL KOMBAT 100 TIMES IN A ROW WITHOUT SUFFERING ANY DAMAGE IN ORDER TO UNLOCK THE SONYA BLADE NUDE CODE. Ahem. These are the 7 cruelest hoaxes and urban legends in videogame history.
6. Luigi is in Mario 64
Mario and Luigi go together like spaghetti and meatballs, like donuts and coffee, like mushrooms and fire flowers so it wasn't unreasonable to assume Luigi would be a playable character in Mario's first foray into the 3rd dimension. Sure, Nintendo had specifically said it was a single-player affair, but that didn't mean whoever was playing couldn't choose between Mario and Luigi, right? Why would Nintendo leave its 2nd most recognizable plumber out of the game entirely, when even Yoshi makes an appearance?
That was the attitude the internet seized upon at the release of Super Mario 64 (note it wasn't "Super Mario Brothers 64"). Luigi had to be there somewhere. Why would Mario leave his taller, weirder brother behind? The first "clue" the internet found was "L IS REAL 2041" (or something like that) illegibly scrawled on a statue: somehow, this meant Luigi was real and in the game (other theories included promotion for Paper Mario). Coming in with the assist were numerous texture hacks, photoshopped screenshots, and tales of playing as the green plumber flooding the internet.
Shockingly, he was not in the game. But then Nintendo released the Super Mario 64 remake for the DS and he was included along with Yoshi and Wario. It'd be nice if every rumor was eventually validated with a handheld remake.
Article The 6 Types of Pokemon Namers
1. The Defaulter
Examples: Oshawott, Patrat, Lillipup
Synopsis: You don't work for Nintendo. Why should it be your job to name their army of made-up monsters? You're too busy on your quest to catch them all. Besides, you want to be able to talk shop with your Pokebros without wasting time trying to figure out which particular Pocket Monster everyone is talking about. Then again, maybe you're just lazy.
2. The Pro
Examples: Zapidash, Piglit, Grassassin
Synopsis: You are a master of the written word, even if you haven't had time to sit down and write that novel yet. In the meantime, you prove your linguistic prowess with well-crafted Pokemon names. So what if you spend more time coming up with the perfect nickname than actually playing the game? It's totally worth it for that slight chuckle your friends emit when they first set eyes upon your Pigeru Miyamoinko.
Game design can be a long, difficult, drawn-out process, even for games that aren't named Duke Nukem Forever. Games can change a lot during that time, sometimes so much that the final product looks nothing like what developers started work on. Here are 6 awesome games that went through big changes to get that way.
6) Conker's Bad Fur Day-
By the late 90's, the Nintendo/Rare love connection had churned out Banjo Kazooie, Diddy Kong Racing, and Donkey Kong 64. And their next game, Twelve Tales: Conker 64, starring a diabetes-inducingly-sweet cartoon squirrel, wasn't going to stray far from the brightly-colored path.
But all wasn't well within Rare's candy-coated empire: Conker's producer, Chris Seavor, noticed some unpleasant rumblings that the market for cutesy platformers was over-saturated, that fans weren't excited about another one, that no one cared about a stupid squirrel who didn't even have an awesome bird living in his backpack.
So he did what any responsible game designer would do: he killed Twelve Tales on the spot and brought it back to shambling unlife as a foul-mouthed parody of the very same cutesy platformers that Rare had made famous. Conker was now a reluctant, selfish hero tasked with fighting hangovers, Teddy Bear Nazis and singing piles of sh!t all in order to makes some quick cash. It was such a balls-out insane shift in direction that most people thought it was a joke until the game actually saw release. Bad Fur Day was fun and funny but sold poorly, mostly thanks to Nintendo's reluctance to advertise the family-unfriendly title.