Articles

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Article Pwn Up: Lose Yourself

By Jake Young / January 20, 2014

After last week's edition (the Pulitzer award winning "Pwn Up: Our Moment of Triumph") we asked our readers to share stories about moments when victory evaded their grasp. You guys did not disappoint with your disappointments and we're going to share some of the best ones. If you have a moment so nerdy that you need to tell the Internet about it, we want you to send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail

 

Pwn Up: Lose Yourself

 

This summer me and my sister were staying at my cousin's for the night since we both had a lot of free time on our hands. Me and my cousin ended up playing endless hours of Pokemon Emerald and ranting about it the whole day while my bored sibling just watched us since she wasn't into Pokemon.

Sometime after midnight we turned my cousin's room into a battle arena while role playing as our favorite Pocket Monsters; I was Pikachu and she was Lillipup. So basically imagine the two of us screaming random Pokemon moves accompanying it with singing the battle theme song in our pajamas ,running around the room like maniacs. The worst part was we were both pant-less. We had a blast goofing around with each other performing every single move available, but the horrifying truth was that we were completely unaware my sister was sitting in a corner and filming the entire process.

Months passed and we forgot about that until a few weeks ago my sibling did the most embarrassing thing to me after an argument we had; I witnessed her show the video (which my soul was completely unaware of) to the entire household because she wanted to get back to me! I ran to my room feeling heavily defeated when I heard the family blast in a laugh while she showed it to my parents . Now I also know if I ever dare make her too angry or do something similar again, she'll put the video on the internet.

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/2/images/cleardot.gif-Gisoo

Filed Under   pwn my life   pokemon   pwn up   chao

Article Pwn Up: Paragon With the Wind

By Andrew Bridgman / March 25, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Hey, Does Anyone Pay Attention To the URLs - Image 2
A couple weeks ago, I was replaying the Mass Effect trilogy for the last few achievements I needed. I was about halfway through Mass Effect 3 when I had some real life stuff to do. As I was leaving my apartment, I saw the elderly maintenance man struggling to get a ladder over the fence around the pool area. I could have sworn my vision blurred for a second and my left index finger twitched a little. For those who don't know, that's how you do a Paragon action in Mass Effects 2 & 3, and I went over and helped him get the ladder over the fence.-Steven

Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening has always been one of my favorite games, and it actually was the game that got me not only hooked on videogames. Anyway, for Christmas this past year, my girlfriend knew how much I liked the series and used ideas from the game to send me on my own "Secret Seashell Quest." I walked all around her apartment and even needed to go outside by getting clues from each shell I found, and (since she kinda knew the idea but not entirely) every 5 shells I found there was an extra little gift. In the end I received a Master Sword replica and she put the shells together in a case with the Hylian Crest for me to hang up.-Tim

Pwn Up: Hey, Does Anyone Pay Attention To the URLs - Image 1

I've been going to yoga classes at my gym for a few months now and every class begins with a theme to keep in mind throughout the session. Our instructor began with "Does anyone know the true definition of insanity" Instantly, I thought 'Far Cry 3', after glancing around the room for a second or two, I raised my hand and answered "Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result". They said it was an Einstein quote, so I'm glad they didn't ask where I knew it from.-Andrew

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Tumblr and Pokemon Are a Super Effective Combination

By Staff / March 31, 2014

Filed Under   pokemon   tumblr   internerd

Article The Weekly IRL: Pokemon Snap Shots

By Staff / November 17, 2011


Filed Under   the weekly irl   pokemon

Article The Mushroom King

June 2, 2010
  1. Princess Peach runs into her father, The King's, arms.

  2. King

    Oh Peach, how I worried I would never see you again! My darling daughter is returned!

  3. Princess

    Father, I am home safe, rescued from the evil dragon Bowser by a brave hero. I wish to marry him, father.

  4. King

    Tell me of this man you wish to marry, daughter. Surely, he is a brave Knight of the Mushroom?

  5. Princess

    No father, he is not a Knight of the Mushroom…

  6. King

    Ah, so he is a warrior from the Order of the Fire Flower! Splendid! They served me well in…

  7. Princess

    No, father, he is not in the Order of the Fire Flower, either. He is not a warrior. He is a plumber, father.

  8. King

    A plumber, you say…well, in this land of pipes and drains, plumbers are needed and respected!

  9. Princess

    He is not from the Mushroom Kingdom, father. He is from a place called Brooklyn.

  10. King

    Brooklyn…Brooklyn…I cannot say I have heard of it. But surely plumbers in the Kingdom of Brooklyn are important, no?

  11. Princess

    I suppose. Important like garbagemen, say. Oh, and Brooklyn is not a kingdom. It's a working-class section of a larger city called New York.

  12. King

    OK…OK, well, tell me, daughter, how this plumber you wish to marry was able to deceive the evil Bowser and save you? He must have used all manner of trickery and out-smarted the beast! My daughter, betrothed to a genius!

  13. Princess

    He ran under Bowser and pulled an Axe lever.

  14. King

    Seriously?

Filed Under   conversation

Article Issue #11

July 5, 2011

Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to areyouafraidofthedork at gmail!

When I was about 10, I wandered in on my brother playing Clock Tower for the Playstation. Despite the fact that I was terrified, I stayed and watch him play all the way up until the mansion, when he inevitably got bored and decided to do something else. Later that night, I was getting ready to go to bed, having finally forgotten about the game and the Scissorman, who would scare the crap out of me every time he was on screen. As soon as I switched on the light, my brother jumped up from under the covers brandishing a pair of scissors. I ran from the room screaming and crying. Everybody thought it was hysterical, my parents included. —Sam

When I first played through Kingdom Hearts, I had the tendency to go back to all the worlds and get all the trinities. This was because you need Goofy and Donald with you to do them, and I usually got rid of one of them so I could have the characters from the different planets on my team. When I played the Nightmare Before Christmas level, I played with Goofy and Jack on my team. There was a red trinity at the bottom of Oogie Boogie's castle that I planned on going back to do. After I defeated Oogie, he turns into his castle and you have to destroy it. I didn't know this before hand. The trinity is gone forever with Oogie's castle. This was the only thing preventing me from getting 100% completion.-Anonymous

When I was younger, my my older brothers got into fights all the time and were extreme video game nerds. My brother Timmy enjoyed playing Sim City above all other games and had finally created the perfectly functioning city. Then he decided to piss off one of my other brothers: Phillip. Phillip logged on to my brother's Sim City and created multiple natural disasters completely destroying the city. And then he saved it. Timmy still talks about Phillip doing this and how angry he still is about.-Anonymous

Article A Public Service Announcement From Dorkly

By Andrew Bridgman / November 6, 2012

A Public Service Announcement From Dorkly - Image 7

A Public Service Announcement From Dorkly - Image 7
Filed Under   halo   halo 4   psa   important announcements

Article The Best Cosplays in C2E2 History (Part 1)

By Staff / March 22, 2014

The Chicago Comic & Entertainment Expo (C2E2)  is upon us - the biggest entertainment convention in the Windy City means one thing: cosplay. C2E2 has been home to some of the best cosplays in recent history, and this year they'll be honoring the costumed geeks from across the country with the C2E2 Crown Championships of Cosplay, a competition awarding cash and prizes to the best cosplayers around.

Excited? You should be. Here's a taste of some of the best cosplay from years past....

 

The Most Appropriate Flash Cosplay Ever

The Best Cosplays in C2E2 History Part 1

via DeadlyDuckfart

 

Beach Bum Stormtrooper

The Best Cosplays in C2E2 History Part 1

via Chanh Tang

Filed Under   fan art expo   c2e2   c2e2 weekends

Article Pwn Up: Grand Theft Spouse

By Andrew Bridgman / September 30, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

 

Pwn Up: Downtown HotBlooded Pwnio One time while playing Skyrim, I had no important quests to do, so I used the console commands to make my wife Ysolda a follower and took her out on a date night.  We went down to the Winking Skeever for dinner, where we talked about (what else) khajit and sleeping tree sap, how her store was doing, and how our daughter liked living in Solitude.  We danced to some of Lisette's songs and drank the night away.  Then we took a long midnight walk down by the water, and finally headed home for some Lover's Comfort.  Since then, every time I find a scenic spot during a quest, I remember to bring Ysolda there for a date afterwards, where we'll go for a quiet walk or just take in the scenery.

-Steve

 

I just bought a house with my wife and a few days later GTA V came out, I was so excited I went and picked it up on my way to work at 3AM. Once I got home to play it I couldn't put it down. My wife had planned a day for us to go move our remaining items at our old house and she left early so I could clean up our yard. Once I was done rather than leaving to go help at the old house (like I had planned and was told to do) I played GTA V.... for 3.5 hours. My wife wont talk to me right now.

-Phillip

 

I was at my girlfriend's parent's house for Thanksgiving, and I was set up to room with her younger brother. Late one night, I was up late playing The Force Unleashed, when I realize he's talking on the phone. He's been calling up people all night but it's pretty obvious this is a girl he's into. Out of politeness I pretend not to notice and keep playing. As he begins to engage in some kind of phone sex, I try turning up the volume but I don't want to wake up everyone with the sounds of explosions. As I get tired and sore from furiously ragdolling thousands of stormtroopers, I don't dare stop because then I'd have to face the reality of what's taking place under the blanket behind me. As the night drew on I realized how short the game actually was. I eventually overheard him saying into the phone that "there's so much of it" and when the game finally ended and I replayed the ending to get the alternate cutscene, I got the hell out of there to let him clean up.

Weirdest Thanksgiving ever.

-François

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: Metal Gear Coward

By Andrew Bridgman / October 26, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: - Image 3
I was working at the 2012 New York Comic Con, passing out business cards, when a female Link strolled past me. Since I was handing out business cards, I yelled "IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE. TAKE THIS." She didn't understand the reference. I guess it's a secret to everybody…-Josh

I went skydiving last weekend. I wasn't nervous at all – instead, all I could think about was "I'm going to be like Naked Snake dropping into Soviet Russia." I only wish I could have landed towards a tree and do a landing on the knee, instead of in that field and the sloppy landing.-Henry

After about three months of going out with my girlfriend, I told my first lie of the relationship: I told her that the reason I hadn't phoned or texted for the past week was because I had left my phone in my locker and couldn't get to it. The truth was that Pokemon Black 2 had just come out and I didn't want anyone distracting me.-Sean

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up