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Article Police Reports From 'Twitch Plays Pokemon'

By Ryan Creamer / March 4, 2014
Police Reports From Twitch Plays Pokemon

Filed Under   police   pokemon   twitch plays pokemon

Article Pwn Up: Issue #1 According to the DC Universe

By Kevin Corrigan / September 30, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

I got suspended from my high school this week. I got in a fight with a kid in my algebra class for spoiling the Gears of War 3 campaign.-Anonymous

Once, while having ingrown toenail surgery, I used New Super Mario Bros DS as an anesthetic. I played through world 4-4 in lieu of effective painkillers.-Steven

During elementary school, I wasn't exactly what you'd call popular. For two glorious months, however, I was the mayor of the playground. I used my knowledge of Sim City and Roller Coaster Tycoon, along with a bucket of chalk, to turn the playground into Chalktown. It was an enormous expanse of chalk lots and residential zones on the asphalt. I numbered them and rented them out to my fellow students. I even designated a police force to keep the peace. There was a department of commerce to oversee the commercial district. Our currency was kickballs. The best part was when the bullies came to me and begged for a residential lot after noticing the rest of the playground was vacant. I gave them one right in-between the industrial district and the nuclear power plant.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Theory Corner: Who is "The Winter Soldier?"

By Andrew Bridgman / March 19, 2014

Theory Corner: Who is The Winter Soldier

With the upcoming release of Captain American: The Winter Soldier, rumors have been swirling about who is the titular seasonal soldier. He wears a mask, and his (or her!) identity has been a closely guarded secret that will no doubt have huge implications on the plot. We've done a little bit of research and have come up with a number of candidates for who could be The Winter Soldier.

It's important to note that literally no one on the internet has any idea who or what the Winter Soldier truly is, so odds are one of these theories are right.

 

1. Captain American (Split-Personality)

Theory Corner: Who is The Winter Soldier

Here's what we know about Captain American: he's a soldier (check!) and he was frozen for 70 years (aka WINTER!). And wouldn't that just be the ULTIMATE twist? Captain American simply couldn't cope with the culture shock of waking up in the modern world and his personality split in two - good guy Captain American and bad guy The Winter Soldier. How his hair got so long and how he manages to battle himself (as seen in the trailers) is a mystery. Maybe it's like Fight Club and it's revealed later on that he's just punching himself and looking like a goofy idiot.

Article Pwn Up: The Triforce of Nacho Cheese

By Andrew Bridgman / January 25, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: The Triforce of Nacho Cheese - Image 2
I was playing Skyrim while I had a friend over, and we were talking while I played and he watched. At one point he looks over at me and asks me why I was talking so softly. I was crouched, hidden, and looting a house at the time – I was taking things a little too far.-Isaac


When I was about six years old, my dad bought us a Playstation with two games: Spyro (for me) and Aliens (for him). One day my dad walked in my room while I was playing Spyro, and he noticed I was still on the first level. I looked to him as serious as I could and told him that I loved the game and I never ever wanted to get to the end of it, so I never saved. Recently I found my old Playstation and I decided that it was time to finally get to the end of Spyro. I cried when I saw the ending credits. -Dorien


I always cook Hot Pocket Snackers the same way.-G

Pwn Up: - Image 1
Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #10

July 28, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

During a Halo 3 session with my buddies we had gotten the mythic map packs before it was released for the USA. These group of 7-12 year-olds were begging us how you get them. We told them if you join recent players custom games and SCREAM AS LOUD AS YOU CAN you will receive the map packs from us. We got a party of around 10 of these kids. We join some random kids game and out of nowhere the recent player is freaking out because there is 10 little kids screaming their asses off!!-Danceder0961
"I put up with so much crap from my ex-wife. When she asked if her boyfriend could move in with us, that's when I'd had it."-Tim R.
Me and my friend were playing CoD MW2, and some kid with the gamertag "CalibratedLemur" was annoying everyone, yelling "GET SOME!" after every kill and generally being an ass. Then, about halfway through the game we hear: "Hey, CalibratedLemur. That rhymes with lubricated wiener, which is what you want, in your FACE." This followed with a weak "Nuh uh…", and then LubricatedWiener shut up. I think someone's due for a new gamertag.-Sam W.
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Pwn Up: CONFESSION OF SORROW IV: The Mask of Infinite Truth

By Kevin Corrigan / October 7, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

My girlfriend has been dragging me to Yoga for the last two weeks. At the end of every class, we have to meditate and we're told to focus our energy into something that we want to come true. I continue to try to create the Spirit Bomb. I'm hoping it comes true next week so I don't have to go to yoga anymore.-Kyle K.

I had to go out of town on business for a week immediately after getting Fallout: New Vegas. Naturally, I packed my PS3 and RCA cables. I expected to be able to play on whatever shitty TV they had in the hotel room. Well, the TV didn't have any inputs at all. My PS3 was useless. The first thing I did, even before unpacking my clothes, was to go online and order an unreasonably expensive adapter that converts RCA to USB so I could plug the PS3 into my company issued laptop. I paid for it, as well as overnight shipping, on the company credit card. Upon my return I had to explain the expense and the unapproved software on the laptop. In retrospect, I could have covered my tracks better, but I think the residents of New Vegas appreciated it in the end.-Anonymous

In 8th grade, I got in a fight with a kid because he said he beat Battletoads without using Game Genie. I've GOTTEN passed the Turbo Tunnel. I know that it does not get any easier. That kid will forever be a liar in my mind.-Anonymous

When my girlfriend found out she was pregnant, I was excited to name our future son. Being an unwed couple and long-time fans of A Song of Ice and Fire, we decided we would name him Jon Snow. We got married two months ago, Jon Snow no longer seemed appropriate. Last week Robert Stark was born weighing in at 9 lbs 6 ounces. I'm getting him a husky puppy as soon as he can walk.-Patrick

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn Up: Is That a 3DS In Your Pants?

By Andrew Bridgman / May 6, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: The Pwn - Image 2
Yesterday I had to dress nicely for a photoshoot my school was doing to send out to various camps I will be working at this summer. As any other normal day, I carried my 3DS in my pocket unaware of it's pronounced outline in my dress pants. I just got the photos back and in every photo you can see a large rectangle on the front of my pants.-Jeffrey

My wife just gave birth to our first child. We've certainly had some nerdy moments throughout this.

  1. Our music playlist. At the facility, we were allowed to bring in our own music players with playlists to help the mothers relax and get through labor. Of the small playlist we selected, some of the tunes were mixes from Final Fantasy, Chrono Trigger, and Kingdom Hearts.
  2. We had a doula, a woman that acts as an assistant during the pregnancy and birth. Towards the end of the labor, my wife does the expected "Please, make this stop" and "I can't do this anymore" and my job was to keep encouraging her. "This will be a triumph…" I said. The doula chimes in, "Yes, it will!" I say, "We're going to make a note here, this will be a huge success." Again, the doula agrees, oblivious that I was working my way through Still Alive. My wife was looking at me the whole time, going "Smartass…"
  3. Being the mother, she had priority in choosing the first name, Stephan, a tribute to her late sister, Stephanie. I got to choose the middle name. I wanted to go with Sabin, from Final Fantasy 6, but we're in Louisiana, and everybody would think we were honoring LSU's head coach Sabine. Almost went with Balthier, but I wasn't that attached to FFXII. So we welcomed Stephan Auron Hand into the world.
-Bob

Around the beginning of March, I found myself bored with the lack of interesting games being released. I decided that I'd make it my goal to beat every Final Fantasy made for the traditional consoles (SNES, PS1, PS2, etc.) I was so excited about this idea that I told my friend, who is a Final Fantasy fanatic, about it. Not only did he think it was a great idea, but he also decided take on the exact same task I set for myself. He now has his own personal gaming closet in my apartment. He comes over every other day, even if I'm not home; opens the closet and starts playing away. We now spend our nights lounging in chairs and playing Final Fantasy on two screens, and in no way is that depressing.-Adam

Pwn Up: The Pwn - Image 1
Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: Animal Crunking

By Andrew Bridgman / May 13, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Future
Last night I drank a few too many beers with my neighbors. I didn't remember going to bed, but when I woke up, Animal Crossing: City Folk was playing on my TV. Apparently I'm an excellent fisherman when I'm drunk, as my entire inventory was full of Sea Basses. I'm just glad none of my neighbors moved out.-Justin

When I was 9, my mom took my brother and I down to the local bowling alley to play a few games. Once we got there, I noticed that they had a booster box of the original set of Pokemon cards sitting right behind the bar. To my surprise, there were only two packs left. I begged my mom to buy them for me. She finally did, and I was so happy that I might be able to own one of my favorite Pokemon at that time, Pikachu.

I opened my two packs, and was upset at the fact that there was not a single Pikachu card in there. However, I did open up a holographic first edition Charizard and Blastoise. I did not really care for those – so, just like most of my cards, I just put them away in my desk drawer and forgot about them.

Recently I got looking into them on eBay to see how much they were worth. I saw the price of Charizard, and I was astounded! The highest price I saw it going for was $700. I hated Charizard with a passion. And, when I was younger, I used that card specifically in the spokes of my bike.

I regret to this day that my quest for a Pikachu made me waste away a potential gold mine.-Phillip

Once I had a worksheet in Spanish class that had a crossword puzzle on it. One of the clues was "____ Vegas". Without even thinking about it, I put "New." It was later on when other words didn't work that I realized that the answer was "Las". Moral of this story – too much Fallout: New Vegas can mess with your mind.-Nathan

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: You're Not the Big Boss of Me

By Andrew Bridgman / April 15, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up:  - Image 1
I'm practically blind in my left eye, and I've always wanted to do a cosplay that allows me to take advantage of that. A friend mentioned Naked Snake of Metal Gear fame, as he famously loses an eye and even wears an eye patch.

I got really excited, starting looking for fabric and patterns, stopped shaving, gathered a bunch of reference images… and died a little inside when I realized Snake loses his right eye, meaning the eye patch would be over my one good eye. Screw you, Kojima.-Sam

A few weeks ago I was in my English class, writing an essay. I got to a point where the best word to use was "Experience." Being a huge fan of RPGs, specifically Fire Emblem and Pokemon, I had no idea how to spell it and nearly didn't make it past the EXP.-Ben

My cousin had her first child a few years back. She's practically my sister and I am now the godmother of a beautiful boy. I recently went into town to visit her and my godson. He's the coolest three year old I know. He likes to quietly sit in my lap while I play video games, he doesn't get scared at monster movies, and his favorite toy is the pull-apart zombie doll I got him for Christmas. I managed to convince her to let me take him home with me for a week so I could spend some more time with him.

After his return home, I received a rather upset phone call from my cousin. She demanded to know why her son was now obsessed with zombies and and told his father that he would have to "shoot him in the head" if he ever turned. However, what she was most upset about was the embarrassment he caused her at my grandfather's funeral. He demanded to take his toy shotgun and while at the grave yard patted me on the leg and said, "Don't worry Skye-mama, I will protect you from the zombies." He continued to interrupt the service by shooting off the toy gun. When his mother took it away, he screamed at her, and wanted to know how she "expected him to be able to blow out zombie brains." I thought it was pretty cool.

Lo and behold. I am banned from babysitting for a while. -Skye

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Why They Cancelled America's Army

May 4, 2010

The US Army recently cancelled their free-to-play series of recruitment videogames. Here's why…

  1. An army briefing room. A four-star general enters with Herman, a pimply, greasy fifteen-year-old.

  2. General

    Men, meet Herman Wallace. He's topped the America's Army leadboard for the past five months, and we believe he is our best and brightest hope of winning this war.

  3. Herman

    Sup losers.

  4. The Middle East, a few weeks later…

  5. Marine Sargeant

    Commander Wallace! Insurgents have the compound surrounded. What are your orders?

  6. Herman

    OK, first thing, we need some health packs.

  7. Sargeant

    Sir?

  8. Herman

    Big white boxes with a red cross on them. Trust me, you do not want to get shot without one of those ready.

  9. Sargeant

    Sir, I'm not sure-

Filed Under   american army