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Article Banjo's Backpack

May 9, 2010
  1. Kazooie

    Banjo, wake up! Grunty kidnapped your sister!

  2. Banjo

    Oh no, we have to save her! Quick, get in my backpack.

  3. Kazooie

    The fastest way to get..... wait, what?

  4. Banjo


  5. Kazooie

    Did you just tell me to get in your backpack?

  6. Banjo

    Well yeah, of course I did!

  7. Kazooie

    What good can I do if I'm in a backpack?

  8. Banjo

    It's got legholes so you can carry me up slopes!

  9. Kazooie

    Right..... look I think we need to talk.

  10. Banjo

    What do you mean?

  11. Kazooie

    I'm starting to feel like you think I'm some kind of tool for you to use however you like. I'm a living intelligent being, just like you and Mumbo and all those talking object with eyes. You treat me like crap and I'm sick of it.

  12. Banjo

    Now hold on, we're a team and we always will be! You and me, best buds forever!

  13. Kazooie

    What species of bird am I?

Filed Under   banjo and kazooie

Article Theory Corner: Who is "The Winter Soldier?"

By Andrew Bridgman / March 19, 2014

Theory Corner: Who is The Winter Soldier

With the upcoming release of Captain American: The Winter Soldier, rumors have been swirling about who is the titular seasonal soldier. He wears a mask, and his (or her!) identity has been a closely guarded secret that will no doubt have huge implications on the plot. We've done a little bit of research and have come up with a number of candidates for who could be The Winter Soldier.

It's important to note that literally no one on the internet has any idea who or what the Winter Soldier truly is, so odds are one of these theories are right.


1. Captain American (Split-Personality)

Theory Corner: Who is The Winter Soldier

Here's what we know about Captain American: he's a soldier (check!) and he was frozen for 70 years (aka WINTER!). And wouldn't that just be the ULTIMATE twist? Captain American simply couldn't cope with the culture shock of waking up in the modern world and his personality split in two - good guy Captain American and bad guy The Winter Soldier. How his hair got so long and how he manages to battle himself (as seen in the trailers) is a mystery. Maybe it's like Fight Club and it's revealed later on that he's just punching himself and looking like a goofy idiot.

Article A Conversation Between Smash Bros. and my Ten-Year-Old Self

September 8, 2010
  1. Me

    Okay Kirby, you're going to do great. Just stay cool.

  2. Kirby

    Can I do a move other than the thing where I turn into a rock and drop on people?

  3. Me

    No. That's the best move ever. It works all the time…

  4. Kirby

    …on easy.

  5. Me

    Shut up, okay? We've been doing great. I'm good at video games. Anyway, are you ready for the final challenge?

  6. Kirby

    Yeah, I should be fine. I've fought everyone. Giant Donkey Kong, Metal Mario, polygons armies, whatever. I'm set.

  7. Me

    Right. Uh, Kirby, there's no easy way to say this. You're fighting a giant hand.

  8. Kirby

  9. Me

    It's a giant disembodied magic hand…that can shoot missile-bullets.

  10. Kirby

    Like the same giant hand that tosses us around at the beginning? And gives us life? Like, essentially our God?

  11. Me

    Yeah. I guess so. Also it's flying. So let's get going.

  12. Kirby

    …nothing we've done could have prepared me for this. I mean, this is the same hand that you can select me with. Has that even occurred to you? You're asking me to conquer God here. This has nothing to do with anything I've done so far.

  13. Me

    What about when we broke the targets? And landed on the platforms?

  14. Kirby

    Those parts are stupid and everyone hates them!

Filed Under   conversations

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #30

December 14, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

One of my best friends hates campers, so we called him the Park Ranger. He didn't like it, and thought it was really dumb. One day while playing with him on MW2 on team Deathmatch, he started killing all the campers, one guy was being a particular douche about it, and so on the game winning kill he gets the camper and says over the mic, "The Park Ranger says no camping." Everyone laughed their asses off.-Michael
While playing a sixteen-man game of HALO: Reach, one of my friends asked who "Respawn" was and how/why he kept killing her.-Oscar
So there I am being an idiot on the Wii version of black ops using the headbanger headset and singing Justin Bieber songs very badly and this kid is all like "shut up! You can't even sing!" throughout the entire four matches he put up with me. Fortunately the Wii didn't have headsets before so all these six year olds don't know about the muting option. Now I can sing Justin Bieber all day and these six year olds have to put up with it.-Joe Momma
I was playing a free-for-all wager match on Black Ops, and after discovering he wasn't the only one with a mic, a guy spoke up and said, "Hey, is it strange that I'm playing Call of Duty naked?" I responded: "Not if you win."-Dan
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Pwn Up: Welcome to Pwndora

By Andrew Bridgman / January 11, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up:  - Image 1
I teach senior math at a high school and I wrote an exam question about a Bullymong's population growth and decline. Was very disappointed that no one mentioned "Vault Hunters" as a reason for the decline – everyone just did the work as they were supposed to.-James

I once got into a fist fight and dislocated my wrist because my friend kept saying that Fire Emblem 11 was the only good Fire Emblem, and the rest were terrible games with terrible characters and story. Turned out it was actually just a prank – he only did it to annoy it. We haven't spoken since.-Dan

When one of my Genesis controllers stopped working, I gave it a proper sendoff: I lowered it into a trash can while saluting and playing Exodus on my laptop.-Joseph

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: PokéMath

By Andrew Bridgman / October 7, 2013

Every now and then, we get a such big and thorough entry submitted to us, that we have absolutely no choice but to run it as its own very special edition of Pwn Up. This is one of those times.

Pwn Up: PokMath

Recently, you had an article about The 10 Most Absurdly Powerful Pokemon In Existence, and I was particularly interested by your account of Machamp.  By two different pokedex entries, Machamps are shown to be capable of moving mountains with just one arm, and throwing 500 punches per second.  I (like any normal high schooler would) decided to calculate how much kinetic energy just one of these punches would have...

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Police Reports From 'Twitch Plays Pokemon'

By Ryan Creamer / March 4, 2014
Police Reports From Twitch Plays Pokemon

Filed Under   police   pokemon   twitch plays pokemon

Article Pwn Up: Robot Unicorn a Cake

By Kevin Corrigan / August 26, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

As soon as I heard about Kingdom Hearts 2, I knew I had to get it the day it came out. I was in middle school. I told my mom that it was such a huge game that she had to get me to the store two hours early to beat the line. She wouldn't stand for that. It was a 30 minute drive already. I settled for half an hour before the store opened. The only other people waiting were a college student and a grandma. Both of them were there for batteries.-L.T.

I fought with my girlfriend all the time when I was 16. She told me that she would move on if I didn't buy her a great birthday present. We were both huge Star Wars fans, so I gave her my custom-built lightsaber I'd made at Disney World a few years earlier. She dumped me and never gave it back.-Reid

I'm a fanfic writer. I love writing crossover fanfics. I once crossed the universes of the Odd Thomas series and Harry Potter. As time passed, I got no reviews. The problem was evident. Rare were the fans of Odd Thomas, and rarer were the fans of Odd Thomas fanfiction, let alone Odd Thomas, Harry Potter crossovers. One glorious day though, I received a long and stunning review from a fan of both who adored my story. I wrote her back. Now we're best friends.-Jess

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn Up: Issue #1 According to the DC Universe

By Kevin Corrigan / September 30, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

I got suspended from my high school this week. I got in a fight with a kid in my algebra class for spoiling the Gears of War 3 campaign.-Anonymous

Once, while having ingrown toenail surgery, I used New Super Mario Bros DS as an anesthetic. I played through world 4-4 in lieu of effective painkillers.-Steven

During elementary school, I wasn't exactly what you'd call popular. For two glorious months, however, I was the mayor of the playground. I used my knowledge of Sim City and Roller Coaster Tycoon, along with a bucket of chalk, to turn the playground into Chalktown. It was an enormous expanse of chalk lots and residential zones on the asphalt. I numbered them and rented them out to my fellow students. I even designated a police force to keep the peace. There was a department of commerce to oversee the commercial district. Our currency was kickballs. The best part was when the bullies came to me and begged for a residential lot after noticing the rest of the playground was vacant. I gave them one right in-between the industrial district and the nuclear power plant.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn Up: The Triforce of Nacho Cheese

By Andrew Bridgman / January 25, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: The Triforce of Nacho Cheese - Image 2
I was playing Skyrim while I had a friend over, and we were talking while I played and he watched. At one point he looks over at me and asks me why I was talking so softly. I was crouched, hidden, and looting a house at the time – I was taking things a little too far.-Isaac

When I was about six years old, my dad bought us a Playstation with two games: Spyro (for me) and Aliens (for him). One day my dad walked in my room while I was playing Spyro, and he noticed I was still on the first level. I looked to him as serious as I could and told him that I loved the game and I never ever wanted to get to the end of it, so I never saved. Recently I found my old Playstation and I decided that it was time to finally get to the end of Spyro. I cried when I saw the ending credits. -Dorien

I always cook Hot Pocket Snackers the same way.-G

Pwn Up: - Image 1
Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up