Article The Weekly IRL: PokéCosplay
This week saw the release of BioShock Infinite, a game that's notable for many things, but mainly for essentially being one long escort mission that isn't awful. In fact, the game tells you right away to not worry about your escort, and that she can take care of herself. After years of horrible escort missions where you have to protect incompetent bullet-magnets who would sleepwalk through the beaches of Normandy on D-Day, it's hard to express what a joy this is. As a reminder of how well BioShock Infinite pulls this off, let's take a look back at some of the not-so-good escort missions in videogame history.
13. Emma Emmerich (Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty)
So what's the only thing worse than escort missions? Ah yes: water levels. "Stop!" screamed Hideo Kojima. "Let's have a water level escort mission!" Between this and the entire Raiden/Snake switcheroo, Hideo Kojima seems to have made this game in an act of extraordinarily elaborate trolling. Since Emma is also terrified of water, you have to carry her through most of the level, then hold her hand, and get her past bugs (by either getting rid of the bugs while Emma cowers and cries, or more fun option knocking her out, because c'mon who is THAT afraid of bugs?). And if she's caught by guards, she will literally curl up and scream as loud as she can while being murdered.
Luckily, if you manage to get through the mission, you'll be rewarded with Emma dying anyways. A great reward because you hate Emma a lot by the end, yet still a great slap in the face, given what you put up with to get her this far. In other words: WELL TROLLED, KOJIMA.
Disney has announced their intentions to produce new standalone Star Wars film spin-offs, focusing on individual characters like Han Solo. Here are 5 ideas that the executives are probably tossing around right now.
Time travel has been a super popular theme in movies, books and games ever since the first time machine was invented in the year of our Lord Zenithox 33270XX, so naturally there have been plenty of virtual heroes zipping through the space-time continuum. Even with so many cool games featuring time travel, these eighteen veteran characters stand out for going the distance in the past, present and future. Their heroic chrono-adventures have taught us all that no matter how far into the past or future we go, bad guys and logic puzzles span across all history.
18. Bernard, Hoagie, Laverne (Day of the Tentacle)
Way back in an earlier epoch VH-1 historians now refer to as "the early '90s", the forward-looking game scientists at LucasArts developed Day of the Tentacle. The point-and-click adventure game followed a guy, a girl, and another guy in their efforts to foil a sentient purple tentacle's plot to take over the world. The course of human and tentacle events leads to each character being stranded in the mansion at a different period of time. The game played around with the unique temporal level structure, allowing the player to eventually switch between the three time periods, trade items, and show how the effects of a change to one period could have puzzle-solving consequences in future areas. The game's quirky sense of humor and cartoony visuals masked an educational journey, as the kids playing learned more about the Founding Fathers than they ever would have at school. For instance, did you know that John Hancock made the first bad Woody Allen impression in recorded history in Maniac Mansion over 200 years ago? Knowledge.
Sadly, the untimely demise of LucasArts means that this series is likely history. More time-travel wordplay to follow.