Articles

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Article Opinion: Why Ben Affleck Is a Terrible Choice For Batman

By The Internet / August 27, 2013
Opinion: Ben Affleck Is Going To Be A Terrible Batman

Let's get one thing straight: Ben Affleck is fine. I liked Argo, I liked The Town, and I really liked Gone Baby Gone. He's got a number of underrated performances, like Changing Lanes and Shakespeare in Love. And, yeah, he's got a couple Oscars.

But he's not Batman.

Will he be able to bring the appropriate gravitas to the story of a billionaire who dresses up like a bat and pretends to have a gravelly-voice and uses magic green rocks to punch an alien in the face? I don't know that he does. It requires a seasoned actor that is universally-respected, like Christian Bale (best known for being the bad guy in the Shaft remake).

Let's look at what is arguably the best Batman film, The Dark Knight. Obviously, the most compelling and interesting character in that film is Batman. His arc could only be played by the highest-caliber actor: At the beginning of the film, Batman has not punched anyone or yelled at anyone in a stupid voice, but by the end, he has punched a bunch of people and yelled all kinds of things with a stupid voice. Sure, all the heady and emotional arcs are given to the Joker and Harvey Dent, but Batman ends the film by thinking a girl liked him when she actually liked someone else. Also, he deduced the Joker's location by using magic cell phone GPS mapping. He's not called 'The World's Greatest Detective' for nothing, folks.

Oh! And he takes the fall for the actions of Harvey Dent/Two-Face so that Dent can remain a symbol of hope for Gotham, since there's literally no other character in the film who could possibly be responsible for so many mob deaths. Well, I guess the Joker might have worked, since he had already killed a bunch of mob people, and a whole bunch of other people on top of that, and absolutely no one would believe him if he claimed he was innocent of those crimes and that Harvey Dent actually did them all. But…then we wouldn't have gotten that 'hero we deserve'/'hero we need' speech at the end, which was pretty cool.

Remember: Ben Affleck was in Gigli.

The actor playing Batman is always the most important thing in deciding how good that film will be. I mean, who do we blame Batman & Robin on? Obviously it's only George Clooney's fault. Did Joel Schumacher have anything to do with the movie being awful? No, it is only George Clooney's fault. That's why our concern should be about Ben Affleck and not Zack Snyder or the script by David Goyer (writer of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance and co-creator of FlashForward). Ben Affleck is the only factor that matters here.

What it all comes down to though is the fact that we need to get unreasonably upset about this before a single frame of has been filmed. We need to not give them a chance at all, since actors (like Ben Affleck) have never subverted the internet's expectations. Remember how upset the internet was when freakin' Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker? And we were right to be so upset (barring that Oscar he won for his universally-praised portrayal of the Clown Prince of Crime).

So let's do it again, internet. Let's show them how right we always are when we get mad about superhero movies.

Filed Under   batman   ben affleck

Article 6 Incredible-Looking Fake Legend of Zelda Games

By Staff / July 19, 2013

A post-apocalyptic, parallel universe Zelda tale – perfect for any fan of The Last of Us who never wants to hear the protagonist speak for some reason.

Filed Under   zelda   internerd

Article 7 Things From The Game of Thrones Books Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

By Andrew Bridgman / June 13, 2013

Daenerys is, like, 14 years old

Things From Game of Thrones Even More Haunting Than The Red Wedding

Daenerys is in a rough spot when Game of Thrones begins – she's the exiled daughter of a brutally-deposed king, her psychotic brother has arranged for her to be married to a nomadic warrior king who's really into horses, and just look at how that name is spelled. She probably has to correct people all the time. But the real messed up thing is that she starts off the books at the age of 14. That's when she's forced into having sex with her new Dothraki husband. So – remember that cool Khal Drogo guy? He's a child rapist. The show gets away with making this all seem not-creepy-as-hell because Emilia Clarke is in her 20's (she would be a great-grandmother by this point in the world of Game of Thrones).

So whenever you get excited to see Daenerys nude in Game of Thrones, remember that Chris Hansen is going to knock on your door at any moment.

Filed Under   game of thrones

Article Flowchart: Should You Buy This Single-Issue Comic?

By Nat Towsen / January 22, 2014
Flowchart: Should You Buy This Single Issue Comic

Filed Under   comics   comic books   flowchart

Article 8 Themed Pokemon Teams

By Andrew Bridgman / October 10, 2013
With new Pokemon games on the horizon, it's time to either meticulously plan out the most strategically-efficient team (zzzzzzz) or come up with goofy themed teams that probably aren't any good in competitive play, but are fun to put together (YAAAAAAY). The new Pokemon added in X & Y have expanded the themes you can use, so start thinking. Here are 8 examples you can use for inspiration (or just steal for your own use).
 
(Warning: new Pokemon spoilers within...)
 
8 Pokemon Theme Teams

Filed Under   pokemon   game of thrones   breaking bad

Article The Internet REALLY Likes Espurr

By Jake Young / October 22, 2013

Of all the new Pokemon unveiled in X and Y, there's been a real standout according to the fanart community. Espurr, labeled as the "Restraint Pokemon" (no really) is a psychic-type kitty cat that has delighted fans around the world. Artists just can't stop drawing this little guy with his fluffy appearance and versatile moveset- oh who are we kidding, it's because of his harrowing stare that can see your darkest secrets.

 

The Internet REALLY Likes Espurr

 

"... it was 1993, you were all hopped up on Pecha Berries, and it was the last time you saw Steve."

Filed Under   internet   pokemon   internerd   espurr

Article Creepy, Creative, Disgusting, Delicious Bento Boxes for Halloween

By Jake Young / October 31, 2013

Creepy, Creative, Disgusting, Delicious Bento Boxes for HalloweenThe Japanese artform of 'kyaraben" involves edible recreations of pop-culture characters that you can stow in your lunchbox. However, they don't always have to be adorable. We've assembled a gallery of some of the creepiest, most unsettling horror-themed meals we could find, and yet it still made us hungry. Anybody know a good sushi place nearby?

 

Creative Creepy Cool Bento Boxes

This delicious bento box is a great meal idea, as long as there's no teenagers having sex nearby.

(via)

Filed Under   food   halloween   Japan   bento box   bento

Article This Is What's Been Going On in the Miiverse

By Staff / April 15, 2014

It's time for us all to accept the facts about Sonic, a fictional videogame character

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via Yaraalsaleem 

 

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE FACE OF MERCY??

Terrible Miiverse Posts

via KamikazeKane719

Filed Under   wtf   wii u   miiverse

Article Flowchart: Should You Start a New Game of Skyrim?

By Andrew Bridgman and Julia Lepetit / February 27, 2014
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Filed Under   flowchart   skyrim   flowcharts

Article Incredibly Satisfying Pokemon GIFs

By Staff / April 16, 2014

  

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via carororo

 

Incredibly Satisfying Pokemon GIFs

via TheDuskDragon

 

Filed Under   pokemon   gifs   internerd   satisfying