Articles

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Article The Dorklyst: The 10 Craziest Japanese Titles in Videogame History

By Caldwell Tanner / April 28, 2011


As a rule of thumb, if a game was made in Japan, it's going to be at least a little weird. But some games go above and beyond when it comes to that legendary J-Factor, and as such I've compiled what I believe to be the 10 most insanely Japanese titles ever slapped on a videogame.

10. "Fly Mr. Science: Great Expedition of the Earth! Challenge the Mysterious and Strange Creatures"


Let's start this list off right. Fly Mr. Science is a game that takes the bridge of cultural understanding we share with Japan and carpet bombs it out of existence. The strangest thing about this game, however, isn't that the main character is an unlicensed scientist without skin, but the fact that it's based on an educational Japanese children's television show. This game is their SchoolHouse Rock, and that explains so much about so many things.

Article Pwn Up: Theory of Revolution

By Andrew Bridgman / April 8, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Theory of Revolution - Image 1
My brother just had a kid and named him 'Ocelot', but I just call him 'Revolver' (or 'Lil Revolver'). He doesn't know why I call Ocelot that and keeps telling me I'm weird. Well, as soon as Lil Revolver's old enough, I'll get him Metal Gear Solid and everything should fall into place.-Ray

Two summers back, I was playing my first playthrough of Fallout 3. A family friend called and asked if I could babysit his son's hermit crabs while they went on holiday, to which I agreed. He dropped them off and I put their tank next to the TV so that I could get back to Fallout. Skip forward an hour or so, and I've totally forgotten about the hermit crabs. At which point, one of them decides to come out of its shell and see what's happening. Seeing this out of the corner of my eye I assumed (as any sane person would) that I was under attack by rad-scorpions, leading me to press the VATS button, leaving me confused as to why I couldn't find any rad-scorpions.-Dom

Tales of the Symphonia is the only reason I can tell a stalagmite from a stalactite.-Miku

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article 6 Videogame Character Summer Jobs

June 18, 2010


Filed Under   jobs

Article Pwn Up: Halo...Is It Me You're Looking For?

By Andrew Bridgman / October 21, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

 

Pwn Up: HaloIs It Me Youre Looking For

 

This week, my girlfriend and I had our fifth year anniversary. The day was nearly over and we didn't have enough time to enjoy a romantic movie, so I said I had an alternative and popped in The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. Knowing she didn't know a whole lot about it, I played through the entire Kafei and Anju sidequest. She smiled at Anju's promise to wait, sat there scared that Kafei wouldn't make it back to the inn in time, and was utterly gratified when Kafei and Anju finally reunited.

-Michael

 

Back in the day when Halo first came out, I had a group of friends that always hung out and played multiplayer. One of the guys, lets call him KC,  was REALLY into his gamertag: Knight.  One night when we were playing, before he could sign into the game I created a character under his gamertag, thus rendering him unable to choose the name Knight in the current game.  This upset him so much that he ran downstairs (playing system link) and tried to break down the door which we had locked. After that proved useless he packed his stuff and drove home.  On his way home he called us up and screamed that if we wanted to play under that name, we had to fight him for it.  The next time he came out to play, we let him choose his character, but everyone else's gamer tags were some sort of pun on the word Knight:  Knight Lite, Knight Boat, Kniet Coke, and Knight Rider.

-Shon

 

I've been teaching my high school students for over a month now.  I should know everyone's name & how to pronounce them, but I still don't.  One girl is named Hodolis.  I never call on her because I asked her like three times how to say her name and it's too far into the semester for me to not know.  I decided to call on her one day and I pronounced it "Hodorless."   I held my breath, fearing some Game of Thrones fan would start cracking up.  No one did.  Whew.

-Jim

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: Issue #87

By Kevin Corrigan / August 5, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

One of my best friends got engaged recently. Yesterday I got a Pokeball in the mail. There was a message on the outside. It said, "I Choose You…" On the inside was another message, "…to be my best man!" Of course I said yes.-Pook

When I was 8-years-old, I called the Nintendo hotline to find out how to beat the final boss of a game. The game had just been released. They didn't know. Ten minutes later I called them back to tell them how to do it. They were not interested. They told me to write a letter to Nintendo Power.-Anonymous

The only reason I bought a kindle was so that I can read my Star Wars extended universe books in public without people seeing and harassing me.-Al Z.

My wife and I had a videogame-themed wedding. Our cakes were Mr. and Mrs. Pac-Man cheesecakes with cupcakes in between them as power pellets. We cut the cake to "Still Alive." Our officiant sprinkled in references about us leveling up together and overcoming random encounters. My wife walked down the aisle to a Final Fantasy song. She even crafted the Mario piranha plants and fireflowers for us to decorate with. The best part? It was her idea.-Tim R.

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article 4 Rejected Fitness Games

By Dave Hodgson / September 6, 2011



Filed Under   wii   kinect   fitness

Article The Dorklyst: 10 More of the Greatest Snow Levels in Videogame History

December 22, 2010


Though we stand behind our first tribute to snow levels, we realize we overlooked a bunch of really great ones. So here's part 2! Enjoy our second tribute to the greatest wintery levels in videogame history. And if we missed one, maybe we'll make a part 3! …But don't count on it.

10.

Few games seem so easily adaptable to the videogame world as Scott Pilgrim – probably because Scott Pilgrim itself was so deeply influenced by videogames. Whether you think the Michael Cera film version was awesome or the awesomest (it's actually a little of both), it's hard to deny how great this throwback, beat-em-up game was – and this level was a pretty fantastic introduction. It's games like this that make me wish my girlfriend had evil exes for me to defeat. And that people I beat up would turn into coins, instead of assault charges.


9.

Ice Man may look like a relatively nonthreatening, slightly-deformed, neckless eskimo, but looks can be deceiving in the world of Mega Man. His stage is one of the most challenging in the original – much moreso than the barely-not-copyright-infringing Bomb Man or the effective-against-Paper-Man Cut Man. The most challenging aspect was that nagging question: Why are there frozen-over palm trees in the background? Was it a bold statement about climate change, or did Capcom just try to lazily re-use some beach level sprites? You be the judge.

Filed Under   the dorklyst   snow levels

Article The Dorklyst: The 6 Greatest Plot Devices in Videogame History

By Casey Johnston / June 9, 2011


A MacGuffin was originally a film concept, defined as "an element that drives the plot of a work of fiction." Basically, they are cheap ploys that make a hero want to do something, and they've never enjoyed more prevalence than in the video game industry. Why do you want that princess, star, or weapon you can't even use? Because you do, you benighted controller monkey! Here's our tribute to the MacGuffins that deserve recognition for being awesome, terrible, ironic, or just confusing.

6. Triforce (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)


The Triforce was left behind by three goddesses (supposedly) and has the power to grant wishes, but only to a person with equal measures of courage, power, and wisdom. This seems to be one of those built-in after school special messages, as someone who already has all three qualities wouldn't have any trouble getting anything they wanted. Or even if you just had power, that's probably enough to put you on the road to success sans a set of wish-granting golden triangles. Of course, if you have no wisdom, power, or courage, presumably that's still equal measures, so we can only guess that Link is forever on a quest to prevent stupid, cowardly, unimportant people from touching the Triforce.

What would have happened without it: Ganon would have been forced to ruin lives by some other, less elegant method, like forming a standing army of desert people who are not so afraid of Master Swords, pretty ponies, and wind instruments. This situation would be moderately less difficult to navigate than the Water Temple.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article 6 Terrifying Baddies You Underestimated

By Brandon Hoang / March 13, 2012
Most Terrifying Baddies You Underestimated - Image 8

Any programmer worth his salt wants to create a villain that strikes terror in the heart of his players. Throwing creepy looking monsters at us, followed by ghoulish foes, one after the other, is their attempt to stop Player One from reaching the end. If they succeed, we quake in our gamer boots at the sight of a real spooky baddie.

But sometimes, a weird phenomenon takes place. Programmers pull an ol' switcheroo and a tiny minion ends up being a major pain in the ass. Here is our tribute to the little guys that left us with twitchy eyeballs and a warm, piping slice of humble pie.

6. The Hammer Bros (Super Mario Bros.)

Most Terrifying Baddies You Underestimated - Image 1

Beating your first koopa troopa is easier than flicking a paper football. So when you finally meet up with the Hammer Brothers, it seems like it should be a cake walk. After all, you're programmed to believe that once you smash a turtle, another turtle should be just as easy. That's science.

Wrong. The Hammer Brothers are real jerks. They don't move in a predictable pattern like most baddies. They hop around like Dance Dance Revolution pros, showering a barrage of evil, evil hammers at your plumber's crack. Once I waited fourteen full minutes for a gap before I got the nerve to race under them. But just when I thought I was home free, I got hit with the HANDLE of a rogue hammer. It wasn't even the hammery part!

5. Heaven Smile (Killer 7)

Most Terrifying Baddies You Underestimated - Image 1

Try saying "Heaven Smile" without grinning. Go ahead. I'll wait. You can't. It's impossible. The words "heaven" and "smile" bring about visions of giant bouncy castles filled with cheap beer and meatlover's pizzas.

But there's nothing heavenly or smiley about these guys. First off, they are completely invisible. Your only hint that you could run smack dab into one is a maniacal giggle that would make Stephen King's Pennywise whimper. But once you switch over to first-person mode to reveal the Heaven Smiles in all their gradient glory, it may be too late: they are already running after you. And they can only be killed by aiming at certain pressure points.

And if you unload and manage to miss completely? They latch onto your trembling ass and explode on contact.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article The Dorklyst: The 7 Most Stereotypical Native American Characters in Fighting Game History

By Jeff Rubin and Owen Parsons / May 12, 2011


It takes a lot to make a good fighting game. You need a balanced roster, engaging graphics, and a style that is both fun to pick up and play, yet rewards dedication and practice. But, most importantly, you need one Native American stereotype. No more, no less. Here's our tribute to the characters that filled that mandatory diversity spot on their respective rosters.

7. Julia / Michelle Chang, Tekken


Reason for entering tournament: Everyone wants their tribe's magic amulet.Special Moves: Twin Arrow, Snake Step

Michelle discovered Julia as a baby, though if you were just judging on strategy guides you'd swear they were related by blood. They have the same fighting style, combos, and special moves. Michelle starred in the first two Tekken games, but was replaced by her daughter because Tekken actually has a timeline that moves forward and it would be completely unrealistic if an older woman was competing in the Tekken tournament. How would she ever stand a chance against the android Jack or the boxing kangaroo Roger?

Filed Under   the dorklyst