Articles

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Article Pwn My Life: Issue #73

By Kevin Corrigan / April 29, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

Because the Playstation Network has been down these last couple days, I managed to write my thesis paper, study, do well on my exams and get back my girlfriend. Otherwise I would have played Black Ops.-Crispy

Shortly after I joined the Army, my unit was doing land navigation. It involves finding plotted points on foot with a compass, a map and a protractor. It isn't extremely difficult, but most people find it challenging the first time. I finished the course way ahead of the rest of my squad and got all of my points. They were impressed and asked me if I used to be an Eagle Scout or something. I told them that I had actually learned how to keep myself oriented by playing hours upon hours of Zelda. I immediately lost their respect.-Patrick

Growing up, my great aunt was a religious nut. When I was 6, she gave me $20 and told me to buy something to put in my room to remind me of my lord and savior. I bought a poster of Goku.-Kieran

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pre-Med Internship at the Videogame Hospital

May 10, 2010
Filed Under   diary

Article The 5 Worst Videogame Wingmen

By bhoangful / June 13, 2011

5. Navi (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)


It may be cheap to take shots at the little one. After all, she's just trying to be helpful. But pointing out the obvious isn't always the best route to take when you're trying to strike up a conversation with the fairer sex.

"LOOK!" I know, Navi, I see it. I noticed the spaghetti strap tank-top the second I walked into this joint. Stop trying to blatantly draw my attention to it mid-convo — it's hard enough keeping my gaze above the neckline when I have a few pints sloshing around in me. "HEY! LISTEN!" I got it, I'm trying to talk over here. Whose side are you on anyway?

And the worst part? You can't get rid of Navi by shouting "I don't believe in fairies". Trust me, I've tried.

4. Kratos (God of War)


No one likes a show off. And a battle-scarred Spartan that waltzes into the bar with his rippling biceps and dramatically lamenting about his dead wife is the equivalent of being the single dad pushing a stroller in the local park on "Mommy & Me Day". You'll never stand a chance.

Not to mention, the white-washed bastard has like three drunken orgies during the work week. On a Tuesday. Before breakfast. Who can complete with that?

Hey Kratos. Take a hike and leave some for us. Oh, and put a shirt on, dude.

Filed Under   zelda   god of war

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #81

By Kevin Corrigan / June 24, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

Most people don't know this, but my local ice cream shop makes ice cream cakes with pictures of Link on top. Most people don't know this because as soon as they finish making them, I buy them. In fact, I have the schedule of the guy who designs those particular cakes on my Blackberry. I don't want my cakes getting scooped by some fake nerd. One day, I went in to get the cake and some girl was trying to do it instead of Greg. Greg was the guy that usually made the cakes. I later became friends with him. The girl had the color scheme wrong to a disgusting extent. Her Master Sword was black. I got mad and asked her, Annabel, where Greg went. She said, "I don't know, I think he quit." I got so upset I ate the whole cake that night and haven't gone back since.-Bailey

My cousin got married a month ago. He and his wife are both avid gamers. At the reception, they didn't do a first dance. Instead, they set up a projector and PS3, and played a custom level of LittleBigPlanet 2. It was made by the best man for the occasion. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the new standard for nerd weddings.-Dan

When I started at my current job, I was told that I had to provide my own hard hat. I bought one at a local workwear place. It happened to be blue. That was the only color they had left of the cheap ones. I thought it looked boring, so I stuck a "Blue Sun" decal on the front. My co-workers (who are geek-impaired), assumed that it was the logo of my former employer. I never corrected them, and stuck a similar decal on my clipboard. As far as anyone at work knows, I am a proud former employee of the Blue Sun Corporation. Shiny.-NytCrawlr

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Crisis in Donkey Kong Country

July 12, 2010
  1. Donkey Kong breaks open a barrel containing Diddy Kong. Diddy falls out, dazed.

  2. Donkey

    Diddy! Are you all right?

  3. Diddy

    (rubbing his head) Jeez… what happened?

  4. Donkey

    King K. Rool has stolen all of our bananas! The entire hoard's gone!

  5. Diddy

    No! God, no…

  6. Donkey

    I know. So we've got to get them back. Luckily he left a trail of perpetually spinning bananas that lead to his hideout.

  7. Diddy

    All right, let's — hey, wait. Perpetually spinning bananas?

  8. Donkey

    Yeah. Look.

  9. They both look at a nearby line of three bananas, each one spinning in the air.

  10. Donkey

    Oh, also, all the spinning bananas hover.

  11. Diddy

    Jesus… And there's a trail of these? All the way to his hideout? The one in that boat that's miles away?

  12. Donkey

    Yeah. A trail of thousands of hovering, spinning bananas. So?

Filed Under   conversations   donkey kong

Article Pwn Up: Now Slide-pad Compatible

By Kevin Corrigan / September 16, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

One time in High School, I was going to a class and humming a tune from a game. One of the bullies called me out on it. His friends then called him out for knowing what it was. We've been friends ever since.-Anonymous

I re-enact battles from the Yu-Gi-Oh TV show with Yu-Gi-Oh cards by myself.-Mos

I'm a huge WoW fan, and I've been trying to get in shape recently. When I go to the gym I listen to WoW podcasts. Sometimes people ask me what I'm listening to. I've gone through the trouble of changing all the titles and album art to classic rock and metal albums so I don't have to be ashamed.-Noah

I once got sun burned by sitting at my computer too long. It's next to a window.-Cory J

I spent three months playing FIFA '11s manager mode for the sole purpose of gathering a starting lineup of players with the following surnames (or as close as I could find): Hartnell, Troughton, Pertwee, Baker, Davison, McCoy, McGann, Eccleston, Tennant, and Smith. Team Doctor.-James

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Dorklyst: The 9 Weirdest Celebrity Appearances In Videogame History

By Andrew Bridgman / October 5, 2012

The Dorklyst: The 9 Weirdest Celebrity Appearances In Videogame History - Image 10
Some videogames just need a little something extra to bring them from good to great – celebrities! It worked on Entourage (which brought it from "ugh" to "Hey, Michael Phelps!"), why wouldn't it work in videogames? Sure, real life celebrities appearing as virtual versions of themselves in weird, not at all appropriate scenarios is really distracting and usually actively hurts the game, but everyone knows star power is what gamers really want, along with expensive DLC and escort missions (we'll check on these facts later). These are the 9 weirdest celebrity appearances in videogame history.

9. Justin Bieber (NBA 2K13)

The Dorklyst: The 9 Weirdest Celebrity Appearances In Videogame History - Image 1

The fact that's there's a "celebrity" team in NBA 2K13 isn't all that odd – there were presidents and celebs playing basketball as far back in NBA Jam. But, really, the lineup includes Pauly D from the Jersey Shore, Kevin from The Office, Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm, and – most egregiously – Justin Bieber. Really, Justin Bieber's inclusion alone isn't enough to set him apart or make him notable in any way – but in the game the 5'7" tall tween singer has shot up to 6'4" and has stats that would make fantasy basketball fans weak at the knees. Maybe he does have some real basketball skills, but when a guy can't make it through a lip synch without vomiting, that doesn't seem too likely.

Filed Under   the dorklyst   dorklyst   dorklysts

Article Pwn Up: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

By Jake Young / February 3, 2014

This week on Pwn Up, we asked to hear about the "WTF Moments" that still leave you shaking your head. If you have a moment so nerdy that you need to tell the Internet about it, we want you to send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail 

 
In university I took a principles of law class which I really enjoyed. I put a lot of effort in studying for the endterm but I got an average grade. My professor offered me a lifeline in the form of a single oral exam that would boost my whole GPA if I did well enough. I had never taken an oral exam before in my life so I had no idea what to expect. I was extremely nervous. 
 
As she started asking me questions I was beginning to struggle and I could tell it wasn't going well. I wasn't going to get the high grade. Then she told me she had a young son who collected pokemon cards and he had recently been tricked because a kid traded a common card for one of his holo-rares. She asked me, "As a lawyer, how would you solve this dispute?"
 
 
Pwn Up: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
 
 
I was shocked, of all the things she could have asked about, Pokemon cards were my favorite things in the world at the time (and I still play today). I had encountered this situation myself where I traded my Geodude for a holo Machamp back in elementary school, tricking another kid, and had to subsequently return it after I was told off by the teacher and parents. Not to mention that I had witnessed many other situations like this. I began elaborating in extreme detail about all the possible options of going about the problem, both in the schoolyard among us kids, and with adults involved.
 
She was very impressed, and gave me a solid 8/10 for my oral exam.
That was definitely the strangest experience from my university days, the time Pokemon got me the best grade in the class that semester.
 
-Dim

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article The Weekly IRL: 7 More Awesomely Nerdy Tattoos

March 10, 2011


By Jordan


Filed Under   the weekly irl

Article Pwn Up: Follow That Nerd!

By Andrew Bridgman / March 4, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Follow That Nerd - Image 2
This morning during breakfast, my 3 year old daughter had eaten her S'mores Pop-Tart into the shape of a triangle. She looked up at me and said, "Hey Dad, look! This looks like the Triforce." I have never been more proud.-Kylie

While playing Arkham Asylum at three in the morning, my house was broken into. After yelling at the guy to leave, he ran out the back door. I called the cops. They had already been searching for the guy in the area. About thirty minutes later the cops return and say "We caught him but don't have enough evidence to charge him with burglary. Did he leave anything behind?" I switched to detective mode. After casing the house for a few minutes I find a jacket that smells like smoke(none of my roommates are smokers) and a pair of tiny boots. They now had enough evidence to charge him and I returned to my greater duty, putting Gotham's worst sociopaths back behind bars.-Alex

When I was about 5 years old, I got my first Pokemon game. It was FireRed for my Gameboy Advance. At the time of course, I didn't really understand anything about the game, and right at the beginning I got stuck just because I never read the text with Mom talking to you to check the clock. Months later, I finally figured it out. Always read your texts.-Brady

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up