Articles

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Article Bully Comebacks For TRUE Nerds

By Andrew Bridgman / July 30, 2012

Bully Comebacks For Nerds - Image 1


Bully Comebacks For Nerds - Image 1
Filed Under   nerds   bullies

Article Pwn Up: Risky Business

By Jake Young / March 3, 2014

If you have a moment so nerdy that you need to tell the Internet about it, we want you to send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail

 

Pwn Up: Risky Business

 

Back in the day, my friends and I were obsessed with "Tony Hawk's Pro Skater" for the N64.  Despite my amazing skills at high-scoring combos and hidden tape discovery, I am massively uncoordinated when it comes to anything with wheels, especially skateboards.  Fast forward to my freshman year of college.  There's a cute girl in my area that I have a huge crush on, and I can tell that she likes me back.  She just so happens to confide in me one day that she thinks guys on skateboards are hot.  So, instead of doing the logical thing and inviting her to my place for dinner, I ask my best friend, an avid skater, to teach me how to skate.

 

Two weeks later, a few of us (Cute Girl included) are all skating together when we come by a massive hill on our campus.  Despite having made zero progress on my skating abilities, I look at Cute Girl and immediately flash back to playing Tony Hawk, and think, "What would TH do?  How easy would it be to take this hill and impress the hell out of her?" So I attempted the hill.

 

Long story short, I ended up with a mass of cuts, bruises, and my collarbone broken into three pieces.  It took two surgeries, three years, and a small metal refinery of surgical plates and screws to fix.  Cute Girl stayed with me in the hospital.  I asked her out under the influence of morphine.

 

Three months later, we broke up.

 

Damn you, Tony Hawk.

 

-'Not-A-Skater'

 

 

Filed Under   pwn my life   romance   pwn up   skateboards

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #2

June 1, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I weave chain mail. -Rob

I work a temp job in a dank, gray cubicle for eight hours a day without much supervision. The day really drags along. Last night I made all of the Kanto gym badges out of cardboard. Today at work, I rewarded myself with a badge for every hour I was productive.-Mike

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people refer to the "Forest Moon of Endor," as just "Endor."-Jeff

When I first started playing WoW, it was around Halloween. We were heading to a costume party that night and my girlfriend walked in looking all hot, wearing pig tails and rocking a Catholic school girl outfit. She started getting frisky and tried to get me to stop playing. I ALMOST stopped playing WoW to go have sex with her.-John

During elementary school, on Dr.Seuss' birthday, our school told everyone to bring their favorite book to class to celebrate. I brought the Final Fantasy IX strategy guide.-Jacob

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Weekly IRL: Post-it Art

August 19, 2010

Filed Under   post-it   the weekly irl

Article The Dorklyst: 6 Seemingly Family-Friendly Games That Really Aren't

By Sophie Prell / December 15, 2011

Tis the season, dear Dorkly readers. Tis the season for giving, for gathering, for growing and geniality. It's a lovely time of year, and I know a great many of you are just aching to know what games you can pop into the console without upsetting the family's delicate sensibilities as they sit, stuffed at the dinner table. Well, I have good news and bad news. Bad news is you may not want to use any of those in this list. Good news is hey, it's the Internet! There's bound to be at least one poop joke ahead! So go on, get to reading!

6. Wii Sports

Oh sure, the allure is there, and it has been for a good five years now. Create a cartoon representative of yourself and send it to Nintendo's virtual sports arena to have it do battle on the golf course, in the bowling lanes, or even a boxing ring. And why not? The system is only $150, and Wii Sports, the game that launched a thousand units (classic literature reference!), is now only $20 new. Cheap system, good for the kids to mess around with and keep occupied for a few hours right?

Oh yeah, totally. But you know what you aren't going to enjoy? The crap-ton of savings that just went down the toilet because nephew Randy "hurled that Wii remote straight through your new 46" HDTV"://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzJDPQMTK9k. I'm pretty sure that the amount of financial damage, not to mention the punishment most parents would exact upon a child for such copious amounts of damage, would be enough to send any parent into a frenzy and classify Wii Sports as one of the world's strongest rage fuels.

Family bonding: destroyed.

5. Rayman Origins

Speaking of the holidays, here's an end-of-year release that's actually on my personal wish list. I mean, look at it. It's byoooooooteeful. And unlike the original Rayman games, which never expounded on Rayman's… uh… origins, Rayman Origins actually flat-out tells us that our weird, floating-body-and-limbless Rayman was created by moonbeams being given life from the Nymphs as part of a prophecy. It's cute, cartoony and silly, even when Rayman is being a little perv and giving his mom an upskirt.

Wait, what?

Yeah. In the announcement trailer for Origins, we see Rayman playfully giving the Nymph that has given him life — so, his mom — a blast of air from below to peek under her skirt. And even if that weren't quite odd enough, people know what nymphs are, right? Like, you realize that someone who craves sex to a clinically significant degree is called a nymphomaniac? And though the sexual connotations are fairly recent, even the more nature-centered nymphs of the Greeks still engaged in the act. And when they mated with Poseidon, they gave birth to this. Huh. You know, by those standards, Rayman actually looks pretty normal.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article 6 Videogame Crossovers We'd Love to See

August 30, 2010

Filed Under   crossovers

Article 6 Limericks for Failed Videogame Systems

March 9, 2011



Filed Under   dreamcast   limericks

Article The Dorklyst: 8 Greatest Plot Twists in Videogame History

By Sophie Prell / April 19, 2011


Sure, M. Night Shyamalamadingdong's The Sixth Sense scared the crap out of us and shocked audiences nationwide with its at-the-time remarkable ending. But videogames have had some pretty substanstial "ZOMGWTFNOWAI" moments too, and they deserve no less love. Here are 8 of the most memorable plot twists in videogames:


8) No lives remaining (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare)


While debate still rages as to whether the CoD series or Halo is the more legitimate contender to the FPS throne, hardly anyone disputes the shock and awe – why yes, that wordplay was intentional – that floored us all when, after extracting a team of U.S. Marines in CoD4: Modern Warfare, a nuclear threat is rumored, established, and executed within moments. At the level's climax, the game violently snatches victory from your hand like an angry sugar-high toddler as it screams in your face, "NO! MINE!"

In video games we're always accustomed to having one more life, to having one more try. But here you were forced to watch a distinctly disempowering scene as a city was decimated, your mission was failed, and your protagonist died. Real life warfare kinda sucks, huh?

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #73

By Kevin Corrigan / April 29, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

Because the Playstation Network has been down these last couple days, I managed to write my thesis paper, study, do well on my exams and get back my girlfriend. Otherwise I would have played Black Ops.-Crispy

Shortly after I joined the Army, my unit was doing land navigation. It involves finding plotted points on foot with a compass, a map and a protractor. It isn't extremely difficult, but most people find it challenging the first time. I finished the course way ahead of the rest of my squad and got all of my points. They were impressed and asked me if I used to be an Eagle Scout or something. I told them that I had actually learned how to keep myself oriented by playing hours upon hours of Zelda. I immediately lost their respect.-Patrick

Growing up, my great aunt was a religious nut. When I was 6, she gave me $20 and told me to buy something to put in my room to remind me of my lord and savior. I bought a poster of Goku.-Kieran

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Flowchart: Which Sidekick is Right For You?

By Alyssa Alecci and Brian Murphy / February 7, 2011

Filed Under   flowchart   awful good   sidekicks