Article Bully Comebacks For TRUE Nerds
Article Pwn My Life: Issue #2June 1, 2010
Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.
I weave chain mail. -Rob
I work a temp job in a dank, gray cubicle for eight hours a day without much supervision. The day really drags along. Last night I made all of the Kanto gym badges out of cardboard. Today at work, I rewarded myself with a badge for every hour I was productive.-Mike
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people refer to the "Forest Moon of Endor," as just "Endor."-Jeff
When I first started playing WoW, it was around Halloween. We were heading to a costume party that night and my girlfriend walked in looking all hot, wearing pig tails and rocking a Catholic school girl outfit. She started getting frisky and tried to get me to stop playing. I ALMOST stopped playing WoW to go have sex with her.-John
During elementary school, on Dr.Seuss' birthday, our school told everyone to bring their favorite book to class to celebrate. I brought the Final Fantasy IX strategy guide.-Jacob
Tis the season, dear Dorkly readers. Tis the season for giving, for gathering, for growing and geniality. It's a lovely time of year, and I know a great many of you are just aching to know what games you can pop into the console without upsetting the family's delicate sensibilities as they sit, stuffed at the dinner table. Well, I have good news and bad news. Bad news is you may not want to use any of those in this list. Good news is hey, it's the Internet! There's bound to be at least one poop joke ahead! So go on, get to reading!
6. Wii Sports
Oh sure, the allure is there, and it has been for a good five years now. Create a cartoon representative of yourself and send it to Nintendo's virtual sports arena to have it do battle on the golf course, in the bowling lanes, or even a boxing ring. And why not? The system is only $150, and Wii Sports, the game that launched a thousand units (classic literature reference!), is now only $20 new. Cheap system, good for the kids to mess around with and keep occupied for a few hours right?
Oh yeah, totally. But you know what you aren't going to enjoy? The crap-ton of savings that just went down the toilet because nephew Randy "hurled that Wii remote straight through your new 46" HDTV"://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzJDPQMTK9k. I'm pretty sure that the amount of financial damage, not to mention the punishment most parents would exact upon a child for such copious amounts of damage, would be enough to send any parent into a frenzy and classify Wii Sports as one of the world's strongest rage fuels.
Family bonding: destroyed.
5. Rayman Origins
Speaking of the holidays, here's an end-of-year release that's actually on my personal wish list. I mean, look at it. It's byoooooooteeful. And unlike the original Rayman games, which never expounded on Rayman's uh origins, Rayman Origins actually flat-out tells us that our weird, floating-body-and-limbless Rayman was created by moonbeams being given life from the Nymphs as part of a prophecy. It's cute, cartoony and silly, even when Rayman is being a little perv and giving his mom an upskirt.
Yeah. In the announcement trailer for Origins, we see Rayman playfully giving the Nymph that has given him life so, his mom a blast of air from below to peek under her skirt. And even if that weren't quite odd enough, people know what nymphs are, right? Like, you realize that someone who craves sex to a clinically significant degree is called a nymphomaniac? And though the sexual connotations are fairly recent, even the more nature-centered nymphs of the Greeks still engaged in the act. And when they mated with Poseidon, they gave birth to this. Huh. You know, by those standards, Rayman actually looks pretty normal.
Sure, M. Night Shyamalamadingdong's The Sixth Sense scared the crap out of us and shocked audiences nationwide with its at-the-time remarkable ending. But videogames have had some pretty substanstial "ZOMGWTFNOWAI" moments too, and they deserve no less love. Here are 8 of the most memorable plot twists in videogames:
8) No lives remaining (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare)
While debate still rages as to whether the CoD series or Halo is the more legitimate contender to the FPS throne, hardly anyone disputes the shock and awe why yes, that wordplay was intentional that floored us all when, after extracting a team of U.S. Marines in CoD4: Modern Warfare, a nuclear threat is rumored, established, and executed within moments. At the level's climax, the game violently snatches victory from your hand like an angry sugar-high toddler as it screams in your face, "NO! MINE!"
In video games we're always accustomed to having one more life, to having one more try. But here you were forced to watch a distinctly disempowering scene as a city was decimated, your mission was failed, and your protagonist died. Real life warfare kinda sucks, huh?
Article Pwn My Life: Issue #73
Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.
Because the Playstation Network has been down these last couple days, I managed to write my thesis paper, study, do well on my exams and get back my girlfriend. Otherwise I would have played Black Ops.-Crispy
Shortly after I joined the Army, my unit was doing land navigation. It involves finding plotted points on foot with a compass, a map and a protractor. It isn't extremely difficult, but most people find it challenging the first time. I finished the course way ahead of the rest of my squad and got all of my points. They were impressed and asked me if I used to be an Eagle Scout or something. I told them that I had actually learned how to keep myself oriented by playing hours upon hours of Zelda. I immediately lost their respect.-Patrick
Growing up, my great aunt was a religious nut. When I was 6, she gave me $20 and told me to buy something to put in my room to remind me of my lord and savior. I bought a poster of Goku.-Kieran