Articles

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Article The Dorklyst: The 6 Classiest Nude Scenes in Videogame History

By Sophie Prell / June 16, 2011


Welcome. Today we're here to discuss breasts, and their influence on contemporary gamer culture. Mind you, this is no exploitation column. No, this is an art gallery my friend. And this… is a piece of art. Were this a crude, uncouth exploration of the subject matter, many — if not all — of you could simply enter "boobs" into Google and find comparable material. Or, if you're looking for truly tasteless video game material, there's always Custer's Revenge…

But this is no vulgar parade. No, grab your wine and sip from the rim in gentlemanly fashion, for today we dive into only the finest, most refined moments of videogame nudity today. No exploitation, no titillation: just fine, beautiful, sexy nudity.

6. Woo hoo! I made my Sim Woo Hoo! (The Sims)


While other games may throw in T&A (and sometimes D) for titillation or entertainment, there's nothing terribly attractive or exciting about it in The Sims. The whole point of making Woo Hoo with someone in this life simulator is to achieve goals or procreate. Sure, it might be a little silly when it comes to animation, but that's just in keeping with the aesthetic. It's not meant for a Spank Bank deposit. No, the Sims, even in their dirtiest hour, are clean and wholesome. There are no strip clubs in this world, no Sims Gone Wild. It's just sex, plain and pixelated.

Of course, that didn't stop you or I from downloading the mods so we could peep in on our hot neighbor as he or she took a shower… what? You didn't do that?

Classiness Level 3: for giggles and silliness, but there's also nothing titillating about cartoons getting it on. Um, right?

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article A Soldier's Crysis

By Owen Parsons / October 23, 2012
A Soldiers Crysis - Image 1

Hey. Super-cyborg dude. Over here. Yeah, it's me, the random soldier you shot through the gut with an arrow on your way through our base. Can we just talk about this for a sec?

You're a crazy high-tech cyber warrior. You probably have night vision and thermal vision and laser vision and an arsenal of grenades and cutting-edge weaponry. I saw you pick up a car once. And you killed me with a bow and arrow. Fuck. You.

You think this is easy? You think I like watching my bullets bounce off the muscles of some titanium demigod while he – just assuming you're a 'he,' this is a no-judgment zone – while he slowly strings his stone-age weapon and launches a pointy metal stick into my abdomen? Don't get me wrong, I knew I was getting killed by a super soldier today, but no one told me he'd be such a fucking hipster show-off.

I know, I know, it's a "cool" bow-and-arrow. Looks real fancy. I see the laser sight, all those pulleys. But come on… you've got robot arms. You don't need help pulling a bow string. You could probably just throw an arrow through me. Or, better yet, use your gun.

Yes! Yes you do! I can see it right there on your back! You are being such an asshole about this.

Fine, whatever. Go on. I'll just hang around back here, dead from embarrassment. Have fun killing our entire army with a bronze sword or a flint knife or whatever sharp rocks you pick up along the way, you robot prick.

Filed Under   crysis

Article Crazy Taxi Hires Terrible People

By Lev Novak / June 8, 2011
  1. Passenger

    Hey, I need to get to Union and Packard.

  2. Driver

    Where is that? Oh wait, the giant blinking green square-thing? No problem.

  3. Passenger

    What? No, nothing is blinking. Are you okay?

  4. Driver

    Yup, the good old 'giant blinking square'. I'll just follow this giant green arrow hovering in the air as fast as possible.

  5. Passenger

    What?

Filed Under   conversations   crazy taxi

Article The Weekly IRL: 7 Pictures of Street Fighter Invading Real Life

February 10, 2011

Filed Under   the weekly irl   street fighter

Article Pwn Up: The Pwned Republic

By Kevin Corrigan / December 16, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

As people may know, Ireland is going through some tough economic times. More and more people are emigrating in search of jobs. Unfortunately, I will most likely be one of these people. I can't afford to stay here anymore. Australia has been a popular choice amongst Irish people and with good reason; sun, sea and hot women. I ruled it out straight away because of the high price of videogames and tendency to ban games with an 18+ rating.-Dan

I got drunk at my bachelorette party and got a tramp stamp tattoo of the classic Batman symbol.-Lass

My OKCupid profile contains only the sentence, "I am ranked No.3 on the Leaderboard for Elvis Costello – 'Pump It Up' on Rock Band 3 on ProExpert Drums.' I have yet to receive a single wink, message or reply.-Anonymous

Back when I was in middle school, I had been looking forward to the new Ratchet and Clank game for awhile. I was really excited when I got home from school the day it was delivered to my house. I had just started playing when my parents brought me into the living room and tearfully told me that they were getting divorced. After staring at the floor for a minute, I said I had to think about what was happening alone for awhile. I went back to my room and played Ratchet and Clank until I beat it. It's still one of the fondest memories I have from my childhood.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Dorklyst: The 10 Most Frustrating Achievements in Xbox Live History

March 24, 2011



Remember the good ol' days, when you could just beat a game, pop open a celebratory 2-liter of Mountain Dew, and then move on with your life? Those days went away the instant that Achievements were introduced. Now we live in a world where your work on a game is done only when you've beaten each level perfectly 10 times and played for a month straight – and that's the easy ones. Some games include achievements that seem like jokes – surely the developers never thought anyone would actually waste enough time to complete them. But gamers never walk away from a challenge. They do, however, bitch about them on the internet. Here are the 10 most frustrating achievements in Xbox Live history.


10) Aperture Science (Portal) – Earn gold medals on all Portal challenges (40G)



While Portal got a lot of praise when it came out for its unique, hilarious, and fun style of gameplay, no one really mentioned how this achievement would take all that goodness and twist it around to sinister ends. A few of the challenges could be entertaining if only to screw around with the game's great mechanics, but some other ones (Least Steps, go walk off a cliff in 10 steps or less, please) were brutally difficult and frustrating. The only thing that could comfort you after a few hours of these challenges would be a nice big slice of cake, and …wait – WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


9) Vesperia Master (Tales of Vesperia) – Aim for total completion (0G)



Okay – this is just plain insulting. Getting all of the achievements in Tales of Vesperia is no easy task (Secret Mission 17, Item Nerd, etc.), but then to offer you absolutely ZERO gamer points for it? Fine, if that's your attitude, maybe we'll just play and enjoy the game without considering arbitrary points and achievements. No! I didn't mean it! Come on, daddy needs that shiny new gamerscore!

Filed Under   xbox   achievements   the dorklyst

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #78

By Kevin Corrigan / June 3, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I work at a popular national home improvement store. I'm sometimes tasked with watering the plants in the garden center. This is a monotonous and boring job. To make things fun, I often take the hose and put it over my shoulder and pretend to be a blastoise. Not pretend pretend, just it makes me think "This is what it feels like to be a blastoise." I've been asked what I was doing. I say it makes the job easier. I was lying. It makes the job twice as hard.-Bill

When "Macho Man" Randy Savage died, I honored him by making a create-a-wrestler of him in WWF No Mercy for N64. Then I challenged HHH for the World Heavyweight Championship. I put the difficulty on expert and fought HHH for a full hour before I pinned him from an elbow drop off the top turnbuckle. RIP Macho Man.-Anonymous

A few weeks ago my mother gave birth to my little brother. My parents named him Damian. My name is Tim and my two older brothers are Richard and Jason. It took me a couple of days to discover we are named after each of the Robins from Batman. Shouldn't have been much of a surprise considering my father's name is Bruce.-Tim

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn Up: Romance of the Three Geekdoms

By Jake Young / February 10, 2014

This week on Pwn Up, we asked to hear about the nerdy, geeky, and otherwise socially-awkward romances you've had or are currently in. If you have a moment so nerdy that you need to tell the Internet about it, we want you to send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail 

 

 
Pwn Up: Romance of the Three Geekdoms
 
When my boyfriend and I first met, he introduced me to League of Legends, one of his favorite games.  I sucked hard (of course) but he stuck with me until we were taking on ranked games together.  Every day we would come home from work and play a game (or 7) until we went to bed.  We called this "spending time together" (SPOILER ALERT: it wasn't) and he would give me advice on how to improve my game.  One day, it happened - I mastered a position that he didn't play often, so when he played it I would give HIM advice... and the fights started.  My boyfriend finally uninstalled the game because he feared for our relationship.  And that's how I unintentionally made my boyfriend quit a game he had played for years and spent hundreds of dollars on.  True love right there!
 
-S.

Filed Under   pwn my life   love   pwn up

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #2

June 1, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I weave chain mail. -Rob

I work a temp job in a dank, gray cubicle for eight hours a day without much supervision. The day really drags along. Last night I made all of the Kanto gym badges out of cardboard. Today at work, I rewarded myself with a badge for every hour I was productive.-Mike

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people refer to the "Forest Moon of Endor," as just "Endor."-Jeff

When I first started playing WoW, it was around Halloween. We were heading to a costume party that night and my girlfriend walked in looking all hot, wearing pig tails and rocking a Catholic school girl outfit. She started getting frisky and tried to get me to stop playing. I ALMOST stopped playing WoW to go have sex with her.-John

During elementary school, on Dr.Seuss' birthday, our school told everyone to bring their favorite book to class to celebrate. I brought the Final Fantasy IX strategy guide.-Jacob

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Dorklyst: 6 Awesome Games That Were Completely Reinvented

By Owen Parsons / May 18, 2011


Game design can be a long, difficult, drawn-out process, even for games that aren't named Duke Nukem Forever. Games can change a lot during that time, sometimes so much that the final product looks nothing like what developers started work on. Here are 6 awesome games that went through big changes to get that way.

6) Conker's Bad Fur Day-


By the late 90's, the Nintendo/Rare love connection had churned out Banjo Kazooie, Diddy Kong Racing, and Donkey Kong 64. And their next game, Twelve Tales: Conker 64, starring a diabetes-inducingly-sweet cartoon squirrel, wasn't going to stray far from the brightly-colored path.

But all wasn't well within Rare's candy-coated empire: Conker's producer, Chris Seavor, noticed some unpleasant rumblings… that the market for cutesy platformers was over-saturated, that fans weren't excited about another one, that no one cared about a stupid squirrel who didn't even have an awesome bird living in his backpack.

So he did what any responsible game designer would do: he killed Twelve Tales on the spot and brought it back to shambling unlife as a foul-mouthed parody of the very same cutesy platformers that Rare had made famous. Conker was now a reluctant, selfish hero tasked with fighting hangovers, Teddy Bear Nazis and singing piles of sh!t all in order to makes some quick cash. It was such a balls-out insane shift in direction that most people thought it was a joke until the game actually saw release. Bad Fur Day was fun and funny but sold poorly, mostly thanks to Nintendo's reluctance to advertise the family-unfriendly title.

Filed Under   the dorklyst