Alright, what's on our schedule today? Lots to do. I'm thinking crossover. Maybe a comic
Spyro, I I don't know how to keep telling you. It's over. No one likes you.
What? I'm freaking Spyro. The Playstation mascot. Who is bigger than me?
Well, uh, Mario, for starters.
Mario? The Plumber? Get out of here.
He's really popular. Everyone loves plumbers.
You know what else is popular? Dragons. Dragons are popular.
He has a giant lizard too. So cool
Article Spyro is PissedDecember 20, 2010
It's Easter time again, and you know what that means: it's time for gamers everywhere to give thanks for the random in-jokes, half-baked secrets, and weird nerdy references that developers hide inside our videogames. Here are nine of the most fun Easter Eggs in recent memory.
9) GTA: San Andreas- No Easter Eggs Up Here
You wouldn't know it from GTA IV's gritty, post-soviet realism, but there used to be a time when this franchise was wacky and light-hearted. A time when you wielded jetpacks, fighter planes and weaponized dildos against increasingly cartoonish odds. This egg is from that era, and it's so out there that it looks like James Franco and Joaquin Phoenix made it up at one of their metafictional postmodern orgies. If you fly your jetpack to the very top of the Gant Bridge, you'll find a large inscription reading: "There are no Easter eggs up here. Go away." Which is itself an Easter egg. But it's not. But it is. But it's man, I wish it were still cool to make Inception jokes.
The 1990's were known for plenty of things. The fall of the Soviet Union. The dot-com bubble. Yikes! pencils. But it was also the golden decade for Mario and Sonic, the two most successful mascots in the history of videogames. And just like real royalty, there was no shortage of inbred wannabes squabbling for their throne. Here are the lamest videogame mascots in history.
10. Crash Bandicoot (1996-present)
OK, calm down. I'm not saying Crash Bandicoot is a bad game. Let's just set that issue aside for a minute and examine Mr. Bandicoot as a character. Crash didn't come around until '96, years after the attitude-plus-species naming convention went out of style. Even still, Crash was an exercise in pandering. Sony wanted their own flagship character to compete with Mario, but didn't have a mascot. So they bought a field guide of Tasmanian mammals and thumbed through it, briefly toying with "Willie the Wombat," before settling on a "bandicoot." Now that's an animal that sounds like it can skateboard!
Honestly, they could have picked anything because Crash is based on design constraints, not anything that exists in real life. He's orange because that color shows up well on TVs. He doesn't have a neck because the Playstation couldn't handle necks. What we ended up with is a character that looks how Bobcat Goldthwait sounds. Luckily, Crash barely talks. That, along with good gameplay and fun levels, saved Crash from competing with Bubsy 3D for most annoying platformer of 1996.
Welcome. Today we're here to discuss breasts, and their influence on contemporary gamer culture. Mind you, this is no exploitation column. No, this is an art gallery my friend. And this is a piece of art. Were this a crude, uncouth exploration of the subject matter, many if not all of you could simply enter "boobs" into Google and find comparable material. Or, if you're looking for truly tasteless video game material, there's always Custer's Revenge
But this is no vulgar parade. No, grab your wine and sip from the rim in gentlemanly fashion, for today we dive into only the finest, most refined moments of videogame nudity today. No exploitation, no titillation: just fine, beautiful, sexy nudity.
6. Woo hoo! I made my Sim Woo Hoo! (The Sims)
While other games may throw in T&A (and sometimes D) for titillation or entertainment, there's nothing terribly attractive or exciting about it in The Sims. The whole point of making Woo Hoo with someone in this life simulator is to achieve goals or procreate. Sure, it might be a little silly when it comes to animation, but that's just in keeping with the aesthetic. It's not meant for a Spank Bank deposit. No, the Sims, even in their dirtiest hour, are clean and wholesome. There are no strip clubs in this world, no Sims Gone Wild. It's just sex, plain and pixelated.
Of course, that didn't stop you or I from downloading the mods so we could peep in on our hot neighbor as he or she took a shower what? You didn't do that?
Classiness Level 3: for giggles and silliness, but there's also nothing titillating about cartoons getting it on. Um, right?
Article A Soldier's Crysis
Hey. Super-cyborg dude. Over here. Yeah, it's me, the random soldier you shot through the gut with an arrow on your way through our base. Can we just talk about this for a sec?
You're a crazy high-tech cyber warrior. You probably have night vision and thermal vision and laser vision and an arsenal of grenades and cutting-edge weaponry. I saw you pick up a car once. And you killed me with a bow and arrow. Fuck. You.
You think this is easy? You think I like watching my bullets bounce off the muscles of some titanium demigod while he just assuming you're a 'he,' this is a no-judgment zone while he slowly strings his stone-age weapon and launches a pointy metal stick into my abdomen? Don't get me wrong, I knew I was getting killed by a super soldier today, but no one told me he'd be such a fucking hipster show-off.
I know, I know, it's a "cool" bow-and-arrow. Looks real fancy. I see the laser sight, all those pulleys. But come on you've got robot arms. You don't need help pulling a bow string. You could probably just throw an arrow through me. Or, better yet, use your gun.
Yes! Yes you do! I can see it right there on your back! You are being such an asshole about this.
Fine, whatever. Go on. I'll just hang around back here, dead from embarrassment. Have fun killing our entire army with a bronze sword or a flint knife or whatever sharp rocks you pick up along the way, you robot prick.
Article Crazy Taxi Hires Terrible People
Hey, I need to get to Union and Packard.
Where is that? Oh wait, the giant blinking green square-thing? No problem.
What? No, nothing is blinking. Are you okay?
Yup, the good old 'giant blinking square'. I'll just follow this giant green arrow hovering in the air as fast as possible.
Article Pwn Up: The Pwned Republic
Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.
As people may know, Ireland is going through some tough economic times. More and more people are emigrating in search of jobs. Unfortunately, I will most likely be one of these people. I can't afford to stay here anymore. Australia has been a popular choice amongst Irish people and with good reason; sun, sea and hot women. I ruled it out straight away because of the high price of videogames and tendency to ban games with an 18+ rating.-Dan
I got drunk at my bachelorette party and got a tramp stamp tattoo of the classic Batman symbol.-Lass
My OKCupid profile contains only the sentence, "I am ranked No.3 on the Leaderboard for Elvis Costello 'Pump It Up' on Rock Band 3 on ProExpert Drums.' I have yet to receive a single wink, message or reply.-Anonymous
Back when I was in middle school, I had been looking forward to the new Ratchet and Clank game for awhile. I was really excited when I got home from school the day it was delivered to my house. I had just started playing when my parents brought me into the living room and tearfully told me that they were getting divorced. After staring at the floor for a minute, I said I had to think about what was happening alone for awhile. I went back to my room and played Ratchet and Clank until I beat it. It's still one of the fondest memories I have from my childhood.-Anonymous
Remember the good ol' days, when you could just beat a game, pop open a celebratory 2-liter of Mountain Dew, and then move on with your life? Those days went away the instant that Achievements were introduced. Now we live in a world where your work on a game is done only when you've beaten each level perfectly 10 times and played for a month straight and that's the easy ones. Some games include achievements that seem like jokes surely the developers never thought anyone would actually waste enough time to complete them. But gamers never walk away from a challenge. They do, however, bitch about them on the internet. Here are the 10 most frustrating achievements in Xbox Live history.
10) Aperture Science (Portal) Earn gold medals on all Portal challenges (40G)
While Portal got a lot of praise when it came out for its unique, hilarious, and fun style of gameplay, no one really mentioned how this achievement would take all that goodness and twist it around to sinister ends. A few of the challenges could be entertaining if only to screw around with the game's great mechanics, but some other ones (Least Steps, go walk off a cliff in 10 steps or less, please) were brutally difficult and frustrating. The only thing that could comfort you after a few hours of these challenges would be a nice big slice of cake, and
wait WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
9) Vesperia Master (Tales of Vesperia) Aim for total completion (0G)
Okay this is just plain insulting. Getting all of the achievements in Tales of Vesperia is no easy task (Secret Mission 17, Item Nerd, etc.), but then to offer you absolutely ZERO gamer points for it? Fine, if that's your attitude, maybe we'll just play and enjoy the game without considering arbitrary points and achievements. No! I didn't mean it! Come on, daddy needs that shiny new gamerscore!