Articles

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Article Pwn Up: CONFESSION OF SORROW IV: The Mask of Infinite Truth

By Kevin Corrigan / October 7, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

My girlfriend has been dragging me to Yoga for the last two weeks. At the end of every class, we have to meditate and we're told to focus our energy into something that we want to come true. I continue to try to create the Spirit Bomb. I'm hoping it comes true next week so I don't have to go to yoga anymore.-Kyle K.

I had to go out of town on business for a week immediately after getting Fallout: New Vegas. Naturally, I packed my PS3 and RCA cables. I expected to be able to play on whatever shitty TV they had in the hotel room. Well, the TV didn't have any inputs at all. My PS3 was useless. The first thing I did, even before unpacking my clothes, was to go online and order an unreasonably expensive adapter that converts RCA to USB so I could plug the PS3 into my company issued laptop. I paid for it, as well as overnight shipping, on the company credit card. Upon my return I had to explain the expense and the unapproved software on the laptop. In retrospect, I could have covered my tracks better, but I think the residents of New Vegas appreciated it in the end.-Anonymous

In 8th grade, I got in a fight with a kid because he said he beat Battletoads without using Game Genie. I've GOTTEN passed the Turbo Tunnel. I know that it does not get any easier. That kid will forever be a liar in my mind.-Anonymous

When my girlfriend found out she was pregnant, I was excited to name our future son. Being an unwed couple and long-time fans of A Song of Ice and Fire, we decided we would name him Jon Snow. We got married two months ago, Jon Snow no longer seemed appropriate. Last week Robert Stark was born weighing in at 9 lbs 6 ounces. I'm getting him a husky puppy as soon as he can walk.-Patrick

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Best of Gamer Dogs

By Chloe Cole / March 11, 2014

The internet loves nothing more than dogs playing video games. But how do the dogs feel about it? Enjoy this compilation of the best gamer dogs pictures.

 

Gamer Dogs or Dogs Wearing IllFitting Headsets

 They're playing Howl of Duty: Modern Dogfare (this is a warning: LOTTA dog puns comin' atcha).

(via)

Filed Under   animals   pets

Article Pwn Up: Say My Name

By Jake Young / February 24, 2014

Like the pine trees lining the winding road, you've got a name. You've got a name. This week on Pwn Up, we wanted you to share the stories behind your gamertags, RPG characters, and any other psuedonym used for nerdy adventuring. If you have a moment so nerdy that you need to tell the Internet about it, we want you to send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

 

Pwn Up: Say My Name

 I always, in literally every game I play, name my character "Rook". I started doing this because my brother, sister, and I would always watch 3 Ninjas and then run around the house pretending to be the main characters. When I saw this week's topic I decided to re-watch this important piece of my childhood and I came to a bleak realization. Years of my identity was based on a VERY mediocre 1992 movie, and there was no character named "Rook". There was somenone named Rocky, and my siblings never corrected me once. If only Colt or Tum-tum were here to help me cope.

 

-John

Filed Under   pwn my life   xbox live   pwn up   gamertag   screenname   psn

Article The Weekly IRL: 7 Pictures of Nerdy Garments

February 17, 2011



Filed Under   the weekly irl

Article The Dorklyst: The 7 Greatest Videogame Movies

By Sophie Prell / September 28, 2011


Poor Bob Hoskins. While we'll all fondly remember his adorable alcoholism and devil may care attitude in toon noir film Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, we'll also forever remember him as chubsy wubsy Mario Mario in the Super Mario Bros. movie. And if there's one thing we gamers (and Bob Hoskins) can't stand, it's bad videogame movie adaptations.

What is it about videogame stories that Hollywood just can't get right? While novel adaptations will always have their "the book was so much better" crowd, the kindest words we can say about videogame films is typically, "Well the vomit didn't actually exit my mouth…" So let me put your mind — and stomach — at ease. Here's a list of films that, while not fantastic, are at least tolerable; the best videogame movies you'll ever see. And keep in mind "best" is a relative term, because for every entry on this list, there's three Uwe Boll sh*t sandwiches.

Break out the popcorn, and let's get rolling.

7. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time


Jerry Bruckheimer is a pretty cool dude. He took a boring kids ride at Disney World that just about everyone had either willfully forgotten or just plain ignored and turned it into a pop culture phenomenon, complete with a captivated, yet ultimately ignorant, youthful audience. Oh, you want to be a pirate, do you? That's cute. Let's get you started with a routine rape and plundering of an unarmed fishing village, and then we'll set you adrift on the ocean where you can lose your teeth, sanity, and eventually life to scurvy. Cute, isn't it?

So it was nice of Bruckheimer to at least attempt to bring some life into the videogame to film adaptation market. Big-budget special effects, Alfred Molina, Ben Kingsley — oh I'm sorry, Sir Ben Kingsley — and Chesty Jake seem like a recipe for a movie that would leave no sour aftertaste. Ultimately though, that's all the movie was: a summer popcorn flick with all style and no substance. Still, it was a fun ride while it lasted. Now who wants to take me on in an ostrich race?


6. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life


It's weird to think of a time when Lara Croft was the name in jungle/ancient ruin exploration instead of Nathan Drake. And lately, the famous Ms. Croft seems to be channeling horror film The Descent more than a female cross between James Bond and Indiana Jones. Which, by the way, in case you haven't seen The Descent, do so. Now. It's even got a little dig at the long-running Eidos/Crystal Dynamics franchise!

But back when Lara was still on top of her game — and Angelina Jolie wasn't busy crossing off third-world countries to adopt from like she was collecting Beanie Babies — there was this little diddy of a movie. While the first stumbled over its own feet in terms of pacing and an appropriate sense of wonder, this sequel delivered exactly what fans wanted: Lara Croft in skin-tight outfits, kicking ass, exploring appropriately awe-inspiring locales in the quest to stop baddies from wielding that which man was not meant to use.

Again, a popcorn flick and not much else, but at least it gets points for having not one, but two full colons in its title. Because God knows that's the one thing it would've been missing otherwise.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Rainbow Road

January 24, 2011
  1. Mario

    Alright, so we're racing karts.

  2. Luigi

    Woo!

  3. Mario

    I know just the place. It's this awesome rainbow road.

  4. Luigi

    Oh, psychedelic. And um, distracting?

  5. Mario

    The most distracting. It's also on a literal rainbow.

  6. Luigi

    Wait, like in the sky?

  7. Mario

    No, outer space. So I guess it's a figurative rainbow, now that you mention it. Huh.

  8. Luigi

    That sounds really dangerous.

Article 9 Albums From Videogame Characters

By Robert Jenner and Henry Alexander / January 26, 2011

Filed Under   left 4 dead   fallout

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #74

By Kevin Corrigan / May 6, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

The other day my dad told me, "You don't know it yet, but these are the best times of your life." He's right. I just spent my spring break getting my Tetris high score to 4.8 million.-Anonymous

I work as a part-time nurse at an old folks home. To help my patients get closer to their children, I tried introducing them to Dungeons and Dragons. I figured that since it didn't involve anything electronic, it'd be pretty simple to teach them. I though I'd be a hero in the eyes of the elderly for helping them find some common ground with their grandchildren. Not the case. I spent most of that day being yelled at by a grandmother for "turning her innocent grandson away from the Lord's light and towards the wicked ways of the devil." By that she meant helping him play as a warlock.-Peter

Last summer, I signed up to be a part of my church's week-long work camp this April. I was really proud of myself for finally taking part in it. Then Portal 2 was delayed to come out the same week. I instantly dropped out of the camp. When people started asking me why I dropped out, I started going to a different church.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Dorklyst: The 10 Greatest Devils in Videogame History

By Alex Schmidt / March 8, 2013
The Dorklyst: The 10 Greatest Devils in Videogame History - Image 1

Satan, El Diablo, EA…he goes by many names, but throughout he is the Devil – an entity of pure evil, usually ruling over Hell, and always causing trouble for the noble heroes of the world. In videogames, it's no different – well, except you can usually defeat him and end evil's reign forever. Here are ten games that took the highway to Hell with devil characters worth button-mashing right back to the underworld, listed in ascending order of soul-rending terror.

10. Devils (Toejam and Earl)
The Dorklyst: The 10 Greatest Devils in Videogame History - Image 2

Devils are low-level grunts in the Toejam and Earl universe, so look elsewhere for the moral fright offered by great horror movies and standard Catholic school educations. These red-horned cartoon demons are mixed in with the many Earthlings you need to avoid in the floating-in-space Earth islands you're stranded on. If you were expecting mind-scorching nightmare creatures, please keep in mind you're trying to reassemble your spaceship and return to Planet Funkotron, as a pair of alien rappers who make DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince look like they've seen some shit. It's one of the sillier takes on Satan in gaming, but harshes your vibe just enough to make a fun game trickier (especially when you're caught in a hypnotic hula dance). Still, something tells us this isn't exactly the devil Ozzy Osbourne was singing about.

Filed Under   the dorklyst   satan

Article Pwn Up: MMO Money, MMO Problems

By Andrew Bridgman / February 17, 2014

This week on Pwn Up, we asked to hear about the the travails you went through in the messy world of online gaming. If you have a moment so nerdy that you need to tell the Internet about it, we want you to send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail  

 

  Pwn Up: MMO Money, MMO Problems

This is a story I assume you'll get more than one of. Day-God Damn-Z. I won't tell every story just the most entertaining one. I spawned near Three Valleys and started trekking north to Berizino. The usual shtick. I met up with a friend of mine in-game and we looted building and killed zombies. We were held up by 3 bandits with guns, all our equipment taken and force fed rotten fruit. We were then told that we had to fight to the death for charcoal tablets. I hesitated for a second but he hesitated for 2. The 3 bandits gave me back my axe and sent me on my way - but I have to LIVE with that shit now. DayZ - the only game that can really make you question your conscience.
 
-Padraig

Filed Under   pwn my life   mmo   pwn up