Article The Horrible TruthAugust 4, 2010
Remember soldiers, you get more points for more creative kills.
- Soldier 1
That's right, it's called skillshots. If you kill anyone really cool, you get more points for more upgrades.
- Soldier 1
Maybe you could just give us those upgrades now. You know, so we can do our job?
No. The system works.
Rarely in life do people get what they deserve. Your boss still thinks AltaVista is the world's best search engine and gets checks with more zeroes. The ex-boyfriend who backed over your dog has a profile picture with a new girl every weekend. You have crabs. In our universe, God plays dice, but in video games, you can murder God for giving you crabs. Here are some of the greatest moments of virtual people getting what's coming to them.
6. Finally Fighting The SA-X (Metroid Fusion)
The Metroid series has always been more geared towards creating a moody atmosphere than filling the player with eye-rolling, pants-pissing terror. Metroid Fusion opted to buck that formula. Though the addition of an AI companion alleviated some of the overwhelming solitude, Metroid Fusion more than made up for it by pitting Samus against the SA-X, an unstoppable juggernaut of an alien parasite.
Your relationship starts off on a bit of a low note when it steals your really cool suit and all of your really cool power-ups. The SA-X operates on the decidedly dickish MO of showing up at totally unexpected times and cooly murdering you with your own really cool weapons. It's incredible to experience how quickly the sense of being a bad-ass bounty hunter is wiped away by being forced to cower in an airduct. Not until the very end of the game are you able to actually make a stand against it, at which point all your pent up feelings of impotence and fear come bursting out in a few massive charge shots. Plus, by that point, you've got a brand new really cool suit.
5. Beating Your Rival (Pokemon)
From the very first minute you meet this guy, he's mouthing off like he's the cock-of-the-walk and you're a ripe heap of human garbage. What's more, you haven't done a thing to him (well, you might have; Pokemon games are only slightly more tightly plotted than Tetris). Maybe he's grumpy because his own grandfather can never remember his name (it's PENIS), but any way you slice it, the guy's a grade-A PENIS. So when it comes time to pick your starter Pokemon, and he waits so he can get the one that beats yours, it's time to wipe the grin off his smug, pixelated face.
Murdering his very first Pokemon feels good, but doing it again and again feels even better, not in the least because he brags about them at the start of every encounter. And, unless you're grinding away in tall grass for hours on end, they are always better than yours, at least ostensibly. Just another reason why forcing this douchebag to fork over a wad of cash and slink off with his tail between his legs is such delicious retribution.
Article Pwn Up: All Skyrim Edition
Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.
A girl I'd been dating for a little over a month just broke up with me. As we all know, Skyrim just came out. I liked her and wanted to introduce her to my world, so I let her create a Skyrim character. She enjoyed it. Anyway, the break up hurt me a lot so I killed her wood elf to get even. Bitch.-FrodoTheHutt
I pissed off a lot of guys on November 11 at Gamestop. They were there for the midnight release of Skyrim. I was there for the midnight release of Lego Harry Potter. I was first in line, and I took forever. The store clerk couldn't find the game, it was buried in the back room somewhere.-Sara S.
I've had Skyrim for over a week now, but I'm a high school teacher. I get less than an hour a day to play. My solution: I told my parents I was having Thanksgiving at my friends' house. I told my friends I was having Thanksgiving with my family. I got to play Skyrim all day without worrying about cooking birds or drunk relatives.-Mr. Fforde
In order to prepare for Skyrim, I played Red Dead Redemption and only used fire bottles. I pretended they were spells.-Anonymous
Order in some food, cuddle up on the couch, hell, light a few candles. For this to work, she's going to need to think this night revolves around her pleasure. The key to success lies in how you introduce the idea. Say the wrong thing and you'll be shutting down before you even hit the power button. Try to speak her language. I suggest something along the lines of:"I want to share my interests with you so that we can understand each other better." OR "My buddies want me to hang out with them but I'm feeling a little low tonight. Let's stay in and eat junk food and snuggle!"
2. A little booze never hurts-
Of course, I'm not promoting non-consensual gaming. However, a little social lubricant will help to get even the most reluctant girlfriend over her inhibitions and into whatever you two want to play. Just make sure she remembers the whole thing in the morning, else your sorry ass is back to level 1.
All games need conflict. Most of the time the player's objective is blocked by several thousand faceless, nameless mooks throwing themselves in the path of danger with all the fervor of a headless chicken. But behind those mooks lies the antagonist, the figure that has been working against the hero all along. The best rivalry showdowns are between two solitary figures, foils of one another. These are the kinds of rivalries the player waits the entire game (or series) to settle once and for all. Here are some of the best one-on-one showdowns in gaming history.
7. Solid Snake vs. Liquid Snake in Metal Gear Solid
Cut from the same clothor rather, grown from the same Petri dishSolid and Liquid are both clones of the same super-soldier. Liquid Snake was created from all the best aspects of the cold-war hero Big Boss, while Solid Snake was made from the inferior genes of the same man. However, because the American government couldn't justify keeping a soldier with such a sinister British accent on staff, Solid Snake became the series' hero, and the perfect-on-paper Liquid was kept from his birthright. Believing himself to be the genetically weak twin, Liquid's inferiority complex drives him to do what any of us would, take over a secret Alaskan military base and hijack a doomsday device.
Snake (the solid one) must wind his way through Liquid's facility, defeat an animal-themed squad of super soldiers and disarm Metal Gear, a nuclear-powered robot T-Rex (did I mention this was a Japanese game?). But before Snake can hang up his skin-tight rubber jumpsuit and call it a night, the two rivals settle their dispute the way they both knew they inevitably had to: a man-to-man fist-fight on the head of a metallic dinosaur's corpse. Never change, Japan.
Videogame advertising should be almost impossibly simple: all anyone needs to hear is that it's a videogame, it's fun to play, and that's it. "Videogames are fun, you should buy this one because look how fun it is!" Nothing more is necessary. But maybe it's because of the utter simplicity needed that marketing for videogames gets so weird to set your videogame apart, maybe the ad should be a surreal journey into a bizarre, trippy, nonsensical world?
The answer to that question is "no, really you shouldn't do that, that's just confusing", but don't tell the gaming industry that, because they're pretty committed to it. Here are the worst videogame commercials of all-time.
20. Sega CD
You know when you're watching TV and a guy comes on and starts berating you about something and you have an IQ of 35 so you're incapable of speaking other than grunts and well, relatability is probably not the goal here. The goal is to show how the weird, bad graphics of the Sega CD will cause a wind tunnel in your home and briefly turn you into a skeleton and finally turn you into the Joker. "Sega CD" is a pretty disappointing answer to how he got those scars.