Articles

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Article Pwn Up: Valenpwn's Day

By Kevin Corrigan / February 17, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up Valenpwns Day - Image 1

After reading every issue of Pwn Up, I feel a little less geeky, and I graduated from high school a virgin Valedictorian who quoted Spock in my speech.-Jay

I play World of Warcraft. I applied to a guild recently. The recruiter seemed interested and asked if I could make the next raid. I informed him that I would be unable to because it was Valentine's Day. He said that was an issue. I was not invited to the guild. Apparently, I am not dedicated enough to the game.-ScottyZen

I recently got a tattoo close to my armpit. The hardest part was I had to stop playing League of Legends for two days because it hurt to sweat.-MTN

I have to take motion sickness medicine to play anything other than Magic the Gathering. To play games daily it costs me $10 a month for the pills. I have to plan in advanced because I have to wait for the meds to kick in before I can even start. Also, I have to eat before I can take my meds, otherwise my stomach will throw a hissy fit. The only benefit is that the cheap medicine makes me sleepy. I can kill two birds with one stone when I want to play games and need to go to bed in a couple hours.-Danielle

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Things I've Learned Playing Xbox Live

May 4, 2010

Some people may argue that playing videogames is a waste of time, and that I should try to do something productive instead like read or go outside. Well, thanks to the internet, I can interact with other shut-ins from the comfort of my home. And just look at a few of the life lessons I've learned while playing on Xbox Live.

Winning isn't everythingFor instance, whenever I win a match, it's only because my opponents were "lagging like a motherf*cker."

Everybody loses sometimesDon't feel bad, It's probably just a result of you "sucking goat balls."

It's nice to help peopleLike when I let that guy kill me five times so he could get that one really annoying Achievement. The lack of a thank you was its own reward.

Don't be afraid to try new thingsFor example, I should really try playing Rock Band while high on marijuana, as the experience has been described as "fucking crazy as shit, for real."

Speak Your MindIf you think that anybody who likes to play Oddball in Halo is a "taint licker," then go ahead and say so.

Be open to people from all different walks of lifeThere is a strong possibility that I am, in fact, a "homofag," and there's nothing wrong with that.

Girls Don't Play VideogamesThey just don't.

By Jeremy Gundel

Filed Under   lessons

Article The Weekly IRL: Stay a While and Listen

By Staff / January 12, 2012


Filed Under   the weekly irl   diablo

Article Pwn Up: YouTube Comment Pride

By Staff / April 20, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

 - Image 1
I didn't bother getting my driver's license until age 19. I only did it then because I needed it to trade in games at the nearest EB Games.-Ali

My roommate is an intern at the local hospital. After reading all the articles about peeing in trashcans, he came home happier than I had ever seen him. He explained to me that he stole two breast pumps, some tubing and collection bags and rigged them up, so that when we're playing video games we can just attach these little devices to our members and pee without having to leave the couch. Also, the two devices are clearly marked so we know whose is whose.-Jason

As a computer science major, I hate the stereotypes attached (boring, socially inept, etc). After giving a diatribe against this stigma to my roommate in the morning, I spent the entire day (and then some) naked and hunched over, sitting with my laptop and debugging.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #20

August 12, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

My girlfriend is pregnant. One day she found me looking through baby names on the computer. She got excited and said she was proud of me for being so mature. I was actually looking for a name for my Pokémon Silver character.-Marcus

Back in high school, I spent over 40 hours making a Vincent Valentine costume. I learned to sew specifically for that end. I went to school wearing it for Halloween, only to get mad at everyone for telling me they liked my "Freddy Krueger" costume.-Kevin

I mowed my lawn to the Persona 4 soundtrack today. There is no better feeling than finishing the lawn right when the seven-minute long final boss music (The Genesis) reaches the last few minutes and turns into the orchestral version of the regular battle music (Reach Out to the Truth).-Taquin (I have no idea what any of this means, but it sounds pretty damn nerdy -Kevin)

I've only cried two times in my life. Once at the end of Titanic when Jack dies, and once during the Pokemon episode where Ash releases Pikachu to live with a herd of Pikachus after seeing how happy he is with them.-Josh

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #11

August 3, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

I was at my friends house playing Halo 3 and this one kid in our game couldn't play because he didn't have the mythic map pack, so he asked how to get it. And this other kid said "OK, what you do is you get your Xbox, put in Halo 3, and Shake it!" Then the 12 year old kid disconnected and never joined back in the party.-Cooper
I was playing MW2 a few days after my girlfriend had broken up with me.  I was pretty down in the dumps at the time. After destroying a team in TDM, my opponents all got on the mic and started talking some SERIOUS sh*t to me. Instead of ignoring it or talking sh*t back, I decided to throw them a curveball for fun, saying, "Honestly, compared to everything else going on in my life, having people talk sh*t to me is no big deal."  After a brief silence, one of the guys who had been harassing me said jokingly, "Do you want to talk about it?" The whole lobby, including myself erupted in laughter.-Nick
My (very rude) cousin was over at my house, and he had no problem making himself feel at home and play my 360 without my permission. He went on doing stupid things like friending someone I don't know. Later that day, I was sitting at the table minding my own business when from the other room I hear, "What? My voice sounds like your sister's? It's cuz I make out with her so much!"-Flippy
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #72

By Kevin Corrigan / April 22, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

My Freshman year, I went on Spring Break to Waikiki, Hawaii. It was beautiful. I hiked, swam and boated everywhere on the island. However, the only pictures that I took were of the buildings that were featured in Tony Hawk Underground. The design and placement were perfect. The only phone call I made was to my friend in Texas to tell him how they were exactly the same.-Anonymous
I signed up to be a beta tester for the Everquest expansion, House of Thule, as soon as registration opened. It wasn't for the new content, gear or AA. It was for housing. I spent about 400 hours during testing messing around with houses. This allowed me to figure out exactly what lot I would want when the expansion went live. The day before the patch, I camped myself right where the ramp down to the housing zone would appear I download the patch as soon as it was available. I literally bolted down to the gate when it was finished, went to the exact plot I wanted and bought it. My house is considered one of the best on the server I play on.-Anonymous
A friend and I bugged another friend of ours to play World of Warcraft for two years. He has wanted to, but his parents wouldn't let him. They're religious and don't tolerate games with magic, because "magic comes straight from Satan." He finally caved last night, bought the game, went home and told his parents that he's an Atheist.-Austin
Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #59

January 14, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I was playing Heavy Rain late one night. I got into a really intense quicktime sequence and forgot that my controller wasn't wireless. I jerked the controller too hard and it disconnected. Inputs were still flying across the screen as I frantically tried to plug it back in. I thought I'd lost the scenario but managed to come back and finish it. I was so excited that I started screaming at the top of my lungs. Just when I finished, my dad burst into my room holding his gun. My parents thought I was being attacked.-Brandon

I taught my dog to hide under a table when I yell, "Zombies! The zombies are coming!" Next I'm going to train him to stand in front of me and growl when I say, "Covenant dropship, inbound!"-Xana

In kindergarten, we were learning about opposites and the teacher used "go" and "stop" as an example. This really bothered me, since I was fairly certain that the opposite of "go" was "go backwards." In retrospect, I guess she could have meant acceleration and deceleration as opposed to velocity. I still hold that she should have used less mathematically ambiguous examples.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Zealots Need Work

February 23, 2011
  1. Zealot

    Alright, let's do it! For Auir!

  2. Stalker

    Yeah, let's-wait, are those swords?

  3. Zealot

    Beam swords! Yeah!

  4. Stalker

    Back up. Aren't we super advanced aliens?

  5. Zealot

    Yup.

  6. Stalker

    Why do we have sword?. Even the humans have guns. Not swords. Guns. You'd think we'd get that figured out by now…

Filed Under   starcraft   conversations

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #40

March 8, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

I was speaking french to a friend of mine on Modern Warfare 2 and some genius, who had earlier claimed to be from the United states, said, "Oh god are you British or some sh*t?" He clearly failed every class of history and geography he's ever been in. —Paul
So I walk into my brother's room to ask him something. He'd just joined a Black Ops lobby when we heard some guy say, "Dude! She's fugly!" and the reply was "I think my mother is pretty fit, actually." —Oli
Filed Under   overheard on xbox