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Article Issue #12

July 12, 2011

Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to areyouafraidofthedork at gmail!

About a month ago, my online buddy showed me Star Trek porn in order to mock it mercilessly. I pretended to think it was ridiculous, but I actually thought it was hot. Later in the week, I watched it again on my laptop in my room. I didn't want my roommates to find out, so I tried to be as discreet as possible. After I was done, I realized that my headphones were plugged into the microphone jack. I thought the sound as coming from my headset. My roommates heard everything. -Anonymous

I was at my first anime convention. The convention was in a hotel and the part of the hotel we were staying at had rooms with windows facing towards the walkways and pool. As my friends and I were walking back to our room from the dealer's room, I heard a slow, yet deliberate hissing noise. As we walked closer to the stairwell, it got louder and louder until we were right in front of a man in a creeper suit. I screamed bloody murder.-Princess Peachie

I got Super Mario Bros 2 for Xmas. My little sister watched as I got all the way up to 7-1, and then suspiciously ran out the room. Just as I finished the level, my parents came in with her in tow, telling me "you've played the game enough, it's her turn" and that I had to hand over the controller – on the last level of a game I haven't beaten yet. I was even more furious as she managed to kill off my stockpile of extra lives in about 10 mins. Then to ice the cake, before she handed the controller back to me for my turn, she selected Mario just to piss me off (I played the whole thing as Luigi). I'm 36 and it still mad at her about it.-mil

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #22

October 19, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

Playing Medal of Honor, a kid came into the room and asked if we were "Christ followers" because his mom would only let him play with "those who have been saved." I laughed at him and told him I'm Jewish, even though I'm not. He immediately left.-Dustin
Heard in lobby of Cod MW2"That's right Chris.  You can just curl up inside me like a tauntaun."-Andy C.

My friend and I were playing Halo when some random kid sent out a mass message saying that he would sell his account for microsoft points and included his cell number for urgent questions. We decided to call and once we confirmed that it was actually him proceeded to tell him that we worked for microsoft and what he was doing is illegal. After telling him that we were going to ban his Xbox from ever going online again he started crying. A lot. We tried to give him a fake number and name to call if he had any questions but once he started to actually write the number down (still sobbing) we lost it and both started laughing hysterically.-Ryan F.

Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article The Dorklyst: The 6 Most Menacing Laughs in Videogames

By Mark Filipowich / January 5, 2012

Like a curly mustache, a good evil laugh can immediately identify a villain. Whether it's the slow, menacing guffaw of a mastermind who's plan is just falling into place or the high cackling of a madman coveting a dark power, an evil laugh can send chills down the spines of even the most stalwart heroes. A menacing laugh carries with it the promise of ruin, despair, and usually at least three more hours of gameplay. Here's our tribute to the best evil laughs in videogames.

6. Bowser (Mario Series)

One of gaming's greatest villains boasts one of the most notorious evil laughs in the medium. The precedent is set in Mario 64 where every miss-timed jump is greeted with the Koopa King's alto bellow as the silhouette of his face devours the screen. Bowser's laugh has all that a menacing laugh needs; it's deep, powerful, and it celebrates the loss of a heroic plumber's green mushroom. Bowser's laugh serves one purpose: to mock Mario for his many inevitable failures. For every thwomp filled hallway that gets the better of you, you can count on an upright firebreathing turtle rubbing it in your face.

5. Gangplank (League of Legends)

Picture this: you and your team cluster in the jungles of the battlefield, a pair of hapless enemies push your defenses, unaware of your ambush. As you pounce into the lane, your allies cut off their path of retreat and you rip into them mercilessly with united precision. Then a harsh laugh rings through your speakers, a red circle with a great X spreads over your whole team and a shower of cannon fire slows your team to a panicked crawl, chipping your health away. Now your easy prey: your enemies regroup and slaughter you, leaving poorly spelled hate speech in red text at the bottom left corner of your screen. Gangplank's ultimate attack is immediately recognizable to even the pedestrian LoL player: a deep laugh that unleashes a huge area of effect attack anywhere on the map. It's the stuff that inspires comebacks, breaks retreats, disrupts ambushes, and fills forums with two letters: O and P.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #29

December 7, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

Once, a buddy and myself were playing Halo 2 on Live and my friend thought it would be funny to start killing everyone on his team. After somehow not getting booted, the game ended with everyone furious and screaming at my friend for making us have such a low score. His response was he thought they were playing golf rules.- Connor "Balls-Out" B.
"Stop grunting and screaming lad, that's your mother's job." - Jon
While playing Black Ops a guy in the lobby who went 4-12 said, "I'm trying to teach my daughter about fractions. See Honey this is 1/3."- Jonathan
I went into a lobby the other day and came in mid-conversation between 10-year olds.Kid 1: So, how many kids do you want when you get older?Kid 2: I don't know, 5? Yeah, 5.Kid 1: Cool, I want 3, one for each gender!long pauseKid 1: Boy, Girl, and abortion!- Brody
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #36

February 1, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

So the other night I was playing COD black ops with my friends split screen online, my girlfriend was with us and was bored as hell so I gave her my mic and told her to talk trash to people. She started to make fun of people and all of the sudden she started laughing hysterically. I asked her what happened and she said that all of the kids were just like "OH MY GOD ARE YOU A GIRL????" then started screaming out their phone numbers.-Danny B.
While recently playing Team Fortress 2, some of the players got into a conversation about the new option to rename weapons and what names to use, some were genuinely funny, some where pop culture references, etc. Soon though one of the younger players stated he wanted a suggestion to for a weapon by asking "My flame thrower is good at blowing people, what should I call it?" which was immediately replied with "name it after your sister."-Michael B.
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article The Mod Squad: Issue #3

June 18, 2010

Do you have an awesome gaming set-up or system mod? Send a picture to dorklymod at gmail.

Filed Under   nintendo   the mod squad

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue 14

August 24, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

We were playing Halo against this really nerdy kid that was talking sh*t and my friend comes out of nowhere and says "I bet you own a lot of ironic t-shirts don't you?" The kid left.-Joshua
When Modern Warfare 2 came out, half of my co-workers got it and we all would always party up until 5 am. Every night things would be going good but after 3 am hit, one of my buds would always just go nuts. His most infamous quote "If this guy kills me again I'm going to quit my job and hang myself".-Keith
It's always rough being a girl who likes to play COD. I was near the end of a match once, and some guy (as usual) asks if there were any girls. I spoke up, and they proceeded to call me a liar, and asked why I sounded, instead, like a twelve year old boy. I had no witty comebacks, other than, "yes I'm really a girl". But the coup de grace was some guy with a heavy southern accent saying "Son, why don't ya just go wank yer willy?" just as the match ended. I'm not sure my friends will ever let me live that one down.-Nicole
A English guy on MW2 destroyed everyone in the game, he was unbelievably amazing and didn't say a word the whole time. The game was full of red necks who began shouting stereotypical English slurs and shouting references to the Revolutionary War. All this shouting was interrupted by a slurping noise that lasted a good 10 seconds followed by "WTF was that!!!" The English guy then replied: "That was a Victory Sip, bitch." -Alex
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article The Dorklyst: 6 Minigames More Fun than the Actual Games They Were In

By Kevin Corrigan / April 14, 2011

Somewhere down the line, game developers decided they weren't satisfied with just making games. They wanted to put games in their games. Miniature games. Some of them break up the single player experience, some of them add multiplayer and some of them are just something to do when you're bored (but not so bored that you want to turn the system off, go outside and meet other people). On rare occasions, minigames can be even more fun than the games they were packaged in. This is a tribute to the minigames that shamed their macrogames.

6) Original Pitfall (Pitfall: The Mayan Adventures)

I was alive in 1994, so I remember when there was only one videogame genre: platformer. Back then it wasn't a videogame if you weren't jumping over death pits to move the screen right. Pitfall: The Mayan Adventures didn't bring anything new to the table. It was full of cliches like jungles, vine swinging and runaway mine carts. While not a bad game by any means, you'd pretty much seen everything there was to see by the third level. The developers must have realized this because that's where they snuck in a secret portal to the '80s, one that stripped away all your bits and let you play the classic Atari version of Pitfall. It's still got the cliche vines and pits, but that's only because it invented them. Pitfall was the game that defined the genre. For better or worse, every platformer that came afterwards owes a lot to the original Pitfall, none more so Pitfall: The Mayan Adventures.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article The Dorklyst: 10 Incredible Videogames That Only Exist In Our Imaginations

By Alex Schmidt / December 6, 2012
The Dorklyst: 10 Incredible Videogames We Can Only Imagine - Image 6

There are plenty of crazy fictional videogames seen in TV and movies. That's because games can be great devices for mainstream storytelling, or exciting opportunities to come up with a game without actually having to build it. But what about the awesome game ideas we never see at all? The ones springing from the imaginations of novelists and writers who don't realize that the only way anyone consumes media these days is through a Netflix account? A lot of fiction's coolest videogame ideas haven't been visualized, let alone made into actual games and then perfected as Uwe Boll movies.

Here are 10 amazing videogames that are currently only available for the Frontal Lobe 360…

10 Mega-Mutilation Part Three (from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling)

The Dorklyst: 10 Incredible Videogames That Only Exist In Our Imaginations - Image 7

This game only gets mentioned in one of Harry's letters to Sirius Black, so the Goblet movie never shows us Dudley Dursley's favorite fictional title for PlayStation. All we know is how great the name sounds, and that Dudley didn't get to play any more MMP3 after he threw his PS1 out a window, which happened during an "I WON'T go on a diet, Vernon and Petunia! Also, Harry is can literally kill any of us by pointing a stick and saying a couple words, we should probably be concerned about that" freakout. And yes, it's hard to justify Dudley feeling like a victim when he lives in the same household as tormented orphan Harry Potter, who is pretty much systemically emotionally-abused by every single adult he comes into contact with. But don't assume Dudley's lack of perspective about life means he doesn't have a good sense of which gory violent game was the best gory violent game of the 1990s. Obviously Mega-Mutilation Part Three is great, but just too awesomely violent for J.K. Rowling to describe to kids in detail.

Filed Under   the dorklyst   dorklysts

Article Pwn My Life: Staff Edition #2

September 2, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

My first videogame device was a Game Boy my parents bought me for my birthday. The first time I turned it on, I played it every waking moment for three days straight, only taking breaks to swap out the batteries. I had to go to the eye doctor afterwards. -Owen Parsons

I once drew my own Digimon character, and all of its evolutions.-Caldwell Tanner

I still have a scar on my knee from the time I tried a move I saw Gambit do in the X-men Sega Genesis game. -Ben Joseph

My friends and I used to play the Yugioh card game in high school. We even had to hide it from my friend's little sister, and once she found out we made her swear never to tell anyone. So one summer I was up at my grandparents house in Cape Cod bored out of my mind and decided I could make a card of my own by scanning some of my other cards and MS Painting an awesomely, unbeatable mythical beast. I literally spent hours perfecting this badass 3-headed dragon with awesome attack, defense and effects, then printed it out and pasted it on a shittier card (Bubonic Vermin, DUH). When I got back home I attempted to bring it out on the field only to have my friends look it up online and declare it was illegal card that I bought online.-Jeff Rosenberg

Filed Under   pwn my life