Articles

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Article Nerd-o-Vision: Bathroom

June 21, 2010

Things look a little different when you're a nerd…

Filed Under   nerd-o-vision

Article Mayor Haggar's Press Conference

May 28, 2010
  1. Mayor Haggar

    Good afternoon. Lets just get in to it. First question; Daily Reporter.

  2. REPORTER

    Hi, yeah, Mayor Haggar, why are you not wearing a shirt?

  3. Mayor Haggar

    Because I wasn't born wearing a shirt, and I'll die not wearing one. Next question, from the Sun Times.

  4. TIMES

    Don't you think you should wear a shirt to a press conference?

  5. Mayor Haggar

    Oh, THANK YOU, Clinton Kelly! No, I don't. My exploding pecs and rugged core will make the scum of our town behave the same way teenagers do at Confession – cowering fear, and occasional soiled pants.

  6. TIMES

    Isn't that what the police force is for?

  7. Mayor Haggar

    Excellent question, nerd, which brings me to my main topic – effective immediately, I'm disbanding the city's police force.

  8. TIMES

    WHAT? WHY?

  9. Mayor Haggar

    Much like the producers of Dukes of Hazzard, I have a better group that can accomplish the same goal. Unlike the producers of Dukes of Hazzard, this plan will work. So from here on out, the criminal element will be handled by me and these two teenagers. Guy and Cody, come on out!

  10. Cody and Guy walk on stage. The press is in a flurry.

  11. POST

    Sir, from the Post. What makes these guys better than an entire police force?

  12. Mayor Haggar

    They're good at karate.

  13. POST

    That's it? They're good at karate?

Article The Mod Squad: Issue #2

June 11, 2010

Do you have an awesome gaming set-up or system mod? Send a picture to dorklymod at gmail.


Filed Under   the mod squad

Article The Dorklyst: The 8 Greatest Beach Levels in Videogame History

By Staff / June 2, 2011



Summer's here, and that can only mean one thing: sand, surf, and beaches galore. Well, for most people it means that. For us, it means the sun is blasting at temperatures that would make Ragnaros the Firelord faint, and our pale nerd skin offers about as much UV protection as a magnifying glass. So take our advice: lock the doors, crank the AC, and comfort yourself with the best virtual beaches videogames have to offer.


8. The Silent Cartographer (Halo: Combat Evolved)



For an artificial ringworld built to house the galaxy's biggest bomb, Halo had some pretty nice scenery. In the game's fourth level, your dropship kindly sets you down on a lovely little island and gives you, joy of joys, a shiny new warthog to tool around in. On a normal map you'd set about feeding aliens the business end of your four-wheeled bullet factory, but on Silent Cartographer you have more important business: immediate, unending joyrides into the ocean, with whatever suicidal space marine has enough viking blood to brave your passenger seat.

Plus, the island has plenty of ancient tunnels and underground facilities to explore, some of them even wide enough to pilot a dropship through. Not to mention the entire goal of the mission is to locate what amounts to Halo's visitor's center, containing your handy-dandy computerized guide to every tourist hotspot on the entire orbital weapon-world.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article 5 Tips to Pwn the Videogame Housing Crisis

September 15, 2010

Many people don't realize that the whole sub-prime mortgage crisis-or-other has impacted not just our RL friends, but our videogame friends as well. But no need to worry! Simply buff them with some knowledge of these five important factors, and their quest for a new home might not need to be so epic after all.

5. Security: In these crazy worlds of evil spirits, crafty assassins and rogue macho space marines, security has to remain a priority when looking for a new home. While a fake wall that may deceive a four-year-old may seem like it's good enough, you might want to spare a few extra rupees to hire some security henchmen or at least get a super to fill in those cracks.


4. Neighborhood: Now just because you lost your castle on a hill or towering fortress doesn't mean you have to settle for the slums. Bad neighborhoods attract the thieves, crossdressers and those stoner Koopa kids. Picking a good neighborhood on the other hand, will result in trusty Italian plumbers busting their ass for you and more fruit for your green pet androgynous dinosaurs than you know what to do with.

Filed Under   lists

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #23

October 26, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

Apparently, I am not the only choir kid who plays on live. During a game of Halo 3, which was being particularly laggy that day, I began singing "A tribute to John Williams" during one of the bouts of lag. I was surprised to hear my song continued on by another player, perfectly matching my pitch and rhythm.-Simon
After winning a match of slayer on Halo Reach, one of my teammates says "Good Game" just as the scores post and the loading screen starts. I then proceed to say "Yeah it was great" at the same time a guy on our team yells "how do my nuts taste!?" All my team heard was me saying "Great" as a response. By the way I'm a girl.-Linda
I was playing Halo Reach and at one point one of my teammates yelled "EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!!" and left the game.-Caspar
Playing MW2 one night and my one buddy was having a conversation with his dad and forgot to mute his mic when we hear him say "I wouldn't come downstairs later, I'll probably be laying here in the chair playing video games naked".  -Nick B.
My friend has some unnatural obsession with Tails. So bad he went out and bought a plushie of him. So one day we were playing Red Dead Redemption.  Me and a few friends remembered there were foxes in Red Dead Redemption.  So we went hunting with our Tails loving companion. Needless to say we killed many foxes and teabagged them yelling at our poor friend "this is what you really do to Tails." He started crying and left the game and party.My friend is 28.-Simon

Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Pwn Up: Bathroom Habits

By Staff / April 13, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

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When I was younger, my house was situated in a way that let me see my parent's TV from my bunk bed. For a long time, I would to go to sleep watching my dad play Ocarina of Time. But one night, I fell asleep and ended up falling from the top bunk, knocking myself unconscious. I don't remember a thing, but my mom and dad were so worried they rushed me to the ER. Luckily, I didn't miss any important scenes.-Kyle

When I was applying to college last year, I had no idea what major I wanted. After hours of debating and no decisions, I sat down to play some Assassin's Creed II and blow off some steam. I am now a second year history major.-Dominic

I go through the Jedi Code in my head to calm down before an exam.-Rob

Thanks to my knowledge that major videogame releases happen on Tuesday and the fact that Borderlands 2 comes out on September 18th of this year, I now know that my anniversary is on a Wednesday.-Colin

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #84

By Kevin Corrigan / July 15, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

We begin this issue with a special message to Jeff B.: You've won the "Pwn My Lifetime Achievement Award," for submitting more entries than anyone else by far. Jeff B. has tried to get into this column 18 times between Sept 16, 2010 and July 3, 2011. While none of his submissions were nerdy enough to be published, his single-minded determination to contribute to an Internet column is notable in itself. Congratulations, Jeff. You've finally made it.

Everybody loves Super Mario Bros. 3. I, however, hold a special place in my heart for it. I was five years old in 1990, when my family purchased the game. Only a few months later, our house burned down. We salvaged what we could. Among the debris we found our blackened, soot-covered copy of SMB3. We didn't think it worked, but we kept it anyway. A few months after that, my mother's coworkers pooled money together and bought my brother and I a new NES. The first thing we did was put in SMB3 and, I'll be damned, it still worked! Every now and then I still play it. It reminds me of my old house, and how my brother and I would play it on Saturday mornings.-Anonymous

My boyfriend and I refer to cuddling as "tetris-ing."-Adam

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Presidential Dorklyst: The 8 Weirdest Presidential Cameos in Videogame History

February 16, 2011


It's common knowledge that nothing sells games better than celebrities (isn't that right, Brutal Legend? Well, I guess not). Unfortunately, celebrities are expensive and usually hard to work with, as anyone who's seen John Madden's diva moments can attest. However, if a game developer is looking for a royalty-free celebrity, he need look no further than the 44 past and present leaders of the free world. In honor of President's Day, here is a list of the greatest presidential appearances in video games.


8. Thomas Jefferson (Mario's Time Machine)



While this one might not count, since Mario's Time Machine is barely a 'game,' it is the rare Mario-meets-the-founding-fathers crossover that the fanfic community desperately needs more of. In it, you are sent back to 1776, the founding of America and the signing of the Declaration of Independence. For some reason, the Declaration has been lost, and you have to find it and return it to the founding fathers. It's a good thing Mario didn't use his time machine to go to Philadelphia in the present day; it would have been a much different, much more violent game.


7. George Washington (Day of the Tentacle)



I don't know what it is about colonial America that makes it such an enticing place for a game to be set, but we learn through this classic time-travel adventure game that the Constitution was actually created on the same site as the Maniac Mansion. A cool thing about this game is that many characters from this level can be seen later in the game, in different time periods. For example, Betsy Ross is later shown to be Ed Hardy.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Issue #10

June 28, 2011

Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to areyouafraidofthedork@gmail.com!

I was playing Minecraft one day and I encountered a creeper in one of my unfinished constructions; I managed to climb to a higher level moments after it made the fuse lighting sound and I promptly forgot about it. When the sun was going down and I headed downstairs, the creeper was just waiting around the corner and exploded without making any other sound. I was wearing headphones at near full volume and was so startled I had an adrenaline rush. My kidneys, head and stomach hurt for the rest of the day and I had to lie down for an hour after the encounter.-Anonymous

A horror story of true nerd rage. I was 13 and me and all of my friends were eating lunch, talking about playing Final Fantasy 7 for the first time. It had been around for about a month or two and one friend of mine had done a marathon session playing it all the way through in one weekend while I preferred to sip it like a fine wine. As we all sat around talking about our favorite characters, I was going on about how much I liked Aeris, to which my friend replies, "Oh did you get to the point where she dies yet?". I freaked out and furiously stomped on his foot while in boots, breaking four of his toes. -Wolfan

I used to play the hell out of Morrowind for the Xbox since my wife took over playing Final Fantasy Online which was meant for me. Anyway, one day while walking to a corner store in Houston I heard a shrill screech from out of nowhere that sounded like a Cliff Racer. I hurriedly looked above me while my right hand went to my left as if I was carrying a sword, but of course nothing was there. To make this story even more peculiar I always played a female Breton Mage that relied more on magic than a weapon and I'm a dude.-Anonymous