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Article Presidential Dorklyst: The 8 Weirdest Presidential Cameos in Videogame History

February 16, 2011


It's common knowledge that nothing sells games better than celebrities (isn't that right, Brutal Legend? Well, I guess not). Unfortunately, celebrities are expensive and usually hard to work with, as anyone who's seen John Madden's diva moments can attest. However, if a game developer is looking for a royalty-free celebrity, he need look no further than the 44 past and present leaders of the free world. In honor of President's Day, here is a list of the greatest presidential appearances in video games.


8. Thomas Jefferson (Mario's Time Machine)



While this one might not count, since Mario's Time Machine is barely a 'game,' it is the rare Mario-meets-the-founding-fathers crossover that the fanfic community desperately needs more of. In it, you are sent back to 1776, the founding of America and the signing of the Declaration of Independence. For some reason, the Declaration has been lost, and you have to find it and return it to the founding fathers. It's a good thing Mario didn't use his time machine to go to Philadelphia in the present day; it would have been a much different, much more violent game.


7. George Washington (Day of the Tentacle)



I don't know what it is about colonial America that makes it such an enticing place for a game to be set, but we learn through this classic time-travel adventure game that the Constitution was actually created on the same site as the Maniac Mansion. A cool thing about this game is that many characters from this level can be seen later in the game, in different time periods. For example, Betsy Ross is later shown to be Ed Hardy.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Issue #10

June 28, 2011

Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to areyouafraidofthedork@gmail.com!

I was playing Minecraft one day and I encountered a creeper in one of my unfinished constructions; I managed to climb to a higher level moments after it made the fuse lighting sound and I promptly forgot about it. When the sun was going down and I headed downstairs, the creeper was just waiting around the corner and exploded without making any other sound. I was wearing headphones at near full volume and was so startled I had an adrenaline rush. My kidneys, head and stomach hurt for the rest of the day and I had to lie down for an hour after the encounter.-Anonymous

A horror story of true nerd rage. I was 13 and me and all of my friends were eating lunch, talking about playing Final Fantasy 7 for the first time. It had been around for about a month or two and one friend of mine had done a marathon session playing it all the way through in one weekend while I preferred to sip it like a fine wine. As we all sat around talking about our favorite characters, I was going on about how much I liked Aeris, to which my friend replies, "Oh did you get to the point where she dies yet?". I freaked out and furiously stomped on his foot while in boots, breaking four of his toes. -Wolfan

I used to play the hell out of Morrowind for the Xbox since my wife took over playing Final Fantasy Online which was meant for me. Anyway, one day while walking to a corner store in Houston I heard a shrill screech from out of nowhere that sounded like a Cliff Racer. I hurriedly looked above me while my right hand went to my left as if I was carrying a sword, but of course nothing was there. To make this story even more peculiar I always played a female Breton Mage that relied more on magic than a weapon and I'm a dude.-Anonymous

Article Pwn Up: Pwnsident Evil 6

By Kevin Corrigan / January 27, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

 Pwn Up Pwnsident Evil 6 - Image 2

There is this girl I like, but she has a boyfriend and thinks of me only as a friend. Then one evening we were alone and eventually made out. The first thing I said after was "achievement unlocked." She decided to stay with her boyfriend.-Anonymous

In college, I convinced the campus doctor that I had a ADHD and got an Adderall prescription. I didn't have ADHD. I did it so I could stay up all night playing Socom and remain attentive and alert. That's right. I needed performance enhancing drugs to maintain my 3:1 kill-death ratio.-Brennan

Last night, I dreamed I was in Skyrim. The dream included long loading screens.-Anonymous

I was asked to play piano for a funeral. They wanted me to play for about a hour and a half. After 45 minutes, I was running out of songs. I took a risky move and played the Dire Dire Docks theme from Super Mario 64. Nobody noticed. In fact, everybody loved the song.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Issue #1

By Brian Murphy / April 25, 2011

Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to areyouafraidofthedork@gmail.com!

I had been playing Starfox 64 all day and finally got to Venom using only the red (difficult) path. After defeating Starwolf, I began circling the vent that would take me to the battle with Andross. I circled once, twice, three times, but instead of entering the vent I just continued to circle. My game had glitched right before the final boss. I was doomed to circle the surface of Venom FOR ETERNITY.-Caldwell Tanner

I was making my way through the final Castle in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and died while battling in the Fire Barrier. Through either (a) a brilliantly wicked trick of the Evil conqueror of Hyrule or (b) some kind of bug undetected by the worthless troglodytes at Nintendo, I was brought back to life without my hover boots — the only item protecting me from the intense heat of the fire chamber's lava floor. Thus was Link stuck in an endless loop of re-spawning and instantly burning to death.-Patrick Cassels

I preordered the original Rock Band at a national chain of game retailer who will remain nameless. I never preorder games, but there was a lot of hype. I knew exactly which songs I wanted to play first (Foreplay/Long Time, Reptilia…) and left work early to pick up that enormous box. When I got there, the employees informed me that I had placed a preorder for just the game itself, not the package of the game and the instruments you actually need to play. They then explained that I couldn't get the package because they were all set aside for preorders, and I didn't get to play Rock Band for an entire weekend.-Jeff Rubin

Article Pwn Up: Fus-Ro-Dah-Dah

By Andrew Bridgman / December 14, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: FusRoDahDah - Image 1
My kid doesn't respond to "upsey daisy" or anything like that when I toss him in the air. He only laughs if I say "Fus-Ro-Dah!" as I throw him.-Garrett

So, when I was a sophomore in high school the all-school musical was "Anything Goes." No one knew the try-out song (being teenagers that didn't watch old movies) which was the main song from the play. I knew the whole thing by heart because of how many times I heard it on Galaxy News Radio from Fallout 3.-Kori

My ringtone for SMS is the sound effect from Metal Gear Solid that plays when you're spotted. The other day I had a math test in class, and I was trying to cheat, when suddenly someone sent me a message. When I heard the "ZWIING!", I was sure I was a dead man. I changed my ringtone right after.-Lore

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: Monstruos de Bolsillo

By Andrew Bridgman / August 26, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Monstruos de Bolsillo
I recently went to a walk in clinic because of a suspected fungus growing under my toe. The doctor cut off the part of the infected nail to be sent to a lab so the fungus could be identified to help him with treating it properly. Three weeks later I get a call to come back in to talk to the doc about what's happening. He sits me down and says "This is a very interesting case… you see, the fungus growing under your nail has previously only been known to grow on plants" He didn't understand why I burst into a nervous laughter. I had to then explain how this is the exact premise of "The Last of Us"

If this infection becomes apocalyptic you know who patient zero is.
-Richard

My sister was heartbroken that one of my villagers had left our Animal Crossing town. I decided to continue writing letters to her as if I were some of the villagers she missed.
-Jack

So I live near an ex-nuclear power plant and this is the local bottled water…. When I saw it my first thought was that the Brotherhood of Steel had expanded their reach.
-Charlie

Pwn Up: Monstruos de Bolsillo
Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: Welcome to Tattoo-ine

By Staff / June 1, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Welcome to Tattooine - Image 3
Years ago, I got Pokemon Yellow for the Gameboy Color. The first few hours were amazing, but the best moment was when I captured my first wild Pokemon, a Mankey. In the days that would follow, Mankey was the only Pokemon I used – eventually evolving him into Primeape. Somehow, a few days later, my game was gone and lost. Looked everywhere, but could not find it.

I was heart-broken. It was like I'd just gotten a dog and it ran away. When I went into college, my cousin gave me her old DS, and since I had nothing to lose, I bought Pokemon HeartGold and started a new game. Weeks later I reached Route 42, and my first encounter was a Mankey. Everything childhood memory came back, and I captured him. Now he's part of my main team. It felt like that dog that ran away had come back, after all these years.-Fernando

I never cry during sad movies or even when people die. I've only cried twice in 5 years – Metal Gear Solid 4's ending and when Edge left WWE.-Dan

When I turned 17 I got this tattoo. I was underaged, so it was technically illegal, and my mom was not happy when she saw it. I was made fun of in school by all the cool kids. Still…totally worth it.-Valtteri (see below)

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Dorklassic: Virtual Boy Is Not As Fun As It Looks

August 23, 2010

Filed Under   virtual boy

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #10

July 28, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

During a Halo 3 session with my buddies we had gotten the mythic map packs before it was released for the USA. These group of 7-12 year-olds were begging us how you get them. We told them if you join recent players custom games and SCREAM AS LOUD AS YOU CAN you will receive the map packs from us. We got a party of around 10 of these kids. We join some random kids game and out of nowhere the recent player is freaking out because there is 10 little kids screaming their asses off!!-Danceder0961
"I put up with so much crap from my ex-wife. When she asked if her boyfriend could move in with us, that's when I'd had it."-Tim R.
Me and my friend were playing CoD MW2, and some kid with the gamertag "CalibratedLemur" was annoying everyone, yelling "GET SOME!" after every kill and generally being an ass. Then, about halfway through the game we hear: "Hey, CalibratedLemur. That rhymes with lubricated wiener, which is what you want, in your FACE." This followed with a weak "Nuh uh…", and then LubricatedWiener shut up. I think someone's due for a new gamertag.-Sam W.
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Issue #12

July 12, 2011

Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to areyouafraidofthedork at gmail!

About a month ago, my online buddy showed me Star Trek porn in order to mock it mercilessly. I pretended to think it was ridiculous, but I actually thought it was hot. Later in the week, I watched it again on my laptop in my room. I didn't want my roommates to find out, so I tried to be as discreet as possible. After I was done, I realized that my headphones were plugged into the microphone jack. I thought the sound as coming from my headset. My roommates heard everything. -Anonymous

I was at my first anime convention. The convention was in a hotel and the part of the hotel we were staying at had rooms with windows facing towards the walkways and pool. As my friends and I were walking back to our room from the dealer's room, I heard a slow, yet deliberate hissing noise. As we walked closer to the stairwell, it got louder and louder until we were right in front of a man in a creeper suit. I screamed bloody murder.-Princess Peachie

I got Super Mario Bros 2 for Xmas. My little sister watched as I got all the way up to 7-1, and then suspiciously ran out the room. Just as I finished the level, my parents came in with her in tow, telling me "you've played the game enough, it's her turn" and that I had to hand over the controller – on the last level of a game I haven't beaten yet. I was even more furious as she managed to kill off my stockpile of extra lives in about 10 mins. Then to ice the cake, before she handed the controller back to me for my turn, she selected Mario just to piss me off (I played the whole thing as Luigi). I'm 36 and it still mad at her about it.-mil