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Article 5 Tips to Pwn the Videogame Housing Crisis

September 15, 2010

Many people don't realize that the whole sub-prime mortgage crisis-or-other has impacted not just our RL friends, but our videogame friends as well. But no need to worry! Simply buff them with some knowledge of these five important factors, and their quest for a new home might not need to be so epic after all.

5. Security: In these crazy worlds of evil spirits, crafty assassins and rogue macho space marines, security has to remain a priority when looking for a new home. While a fake wall that may deceive a four-year-old may seem like it's good enough, you might want to spare a few extra rupees to hire some security henchmen or at least get a super to fill in those cracks.

4. Neighborhood: Now just because you lost your castle on a hill or towering fortress doesn't mean you have to settle for the slums. Bad neighborhoods attract the thieves, crossdressers and those stoner Koopa kids. Picking a good neighborhood on the other hand, will result in trusty Italian plumbers busting their ass for you and more fruit for your green pet androgynous dinosaurs than you know what to do with.

Filed Under   lists

Article The Dorklyst: The 8 Greatest Beach Levels in Videogame History

By Staff / June 2, 2011

Summer's here, and that can only mean one thing: sand, surf, and beaches galore. Well, for most people it means that. For us, it means the sun is blasting at temperatures that would make Ragnaros the Firelord faint, and our pale nerd skin offers about as much UV protection as a magnifying glass. So take our advice: lock the doors, crank the AC, and comfort yourself with the best virtual beaches videogames have to offer.

8. The Silent Cartographer (Halo: Combat Evolved)

For an artificial ringworld built to house the galaxy's biggest bomb, Halo had some pretty nice scenery. In the game's fourth level, your dropship kindly sets you down on a lovely little island and gives you, joy of joys, a shiny new warthog to tool around in. On a normal map you'd set about feeding aliens the business end of your four-wheeled bullet factory, but on Silent Cartographer you have more important business: immediate, unending joyrides into the ocean, with whatever suicidal space marine has enough viking blood to brave your passenger seat.

Plus, the island has plenty of ancient tunnels and underground facilities to explore, some of them even wide enough to pilot a dropship through. Not to mention the entire goal of the mission is to locate what amounts to Halo's visitor's center, containing your handy-dandy computerized guide to every tourist hotspot on the entire orbital weapon-world.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Pwn Up: Elegy of Nerdiness

By Andrew Bridgman / January 18, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Elegy of Nerdiness - Image 1
When my brother and I were little, our parents would send us to bed early and interrupt our gaming sessions. We did not approve of this, so often we would wait until our parents went to sleep at the other end of the house before we got up and played again. I have fond memories of things such as beating Sonic Adventure: DX on the Gamecube right around dawn. And always with the sound off. I missed out on some great music just to ensure my parents never woke up.-Mitchell

I was taking the SAT and on one of the questions asked me to define the word "elegy." I guessed the answer was "a mournful song or poem, usually relating to death", thanks to the Elegy of Emptiness. Thanks for getting me into college, Majora's Mask.-Jason

After Pokemon X & Y were announced, I got so excited that I decided to go out and buy a used copy of Pokemon Diamond, the only generation I still hadn't played yet. When I booted up the game, the old save file showed a playtime of 115 hours, and a Pokedex count of 493. That's every single Pokemon in the game up to that generation. And to top it off, the person named their character Dawn, keeping it true to the original.

I sat there for ten minutes, unable to bring myself to erase such a magnificent save file. The thought of it made me feel so guilty, I even contemplated returning the cartridge to the store and getting a different one. But I finally pulled the plug. I erased the old data and started a new game, and as a memorial to the old owner, I named my character Dawn.-Kevin

Filed Under   pwn my life   sonic   pwn up

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #22

August 19, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

It annoyed me that that Dan guy said "Megaball" instead of "Master Ball," and "MewToo" instead of "Mewtwo" in the last issue.-Everyone. Get over it.

A few years ago I decided to start playing Maplestory again, but my friend had taken my account and changed the password. When I contacted the GM's, they refused to give me my password so I wrote to them, "You won't give me my password. I'm so depressed that I cannot go on living. I'm going to kill myself." Never thought much of it, until three weeks later when the cops and an ambulance showed up at my door asking if I was alive or depressed. -Cory

Some guy in the 7-11 parking lot just yelled at me for looking at his girlfriend's chest. I wasn't. I was so upset that 7-11 was out of WWE Slurpee cups that checking out women was the least of my concerns.-Sean

My GF and I decided it would be good to take a step backwards and move out after living together for a while. After living apart for two and half months, we both decided it would be better if I moved back in. We tell people that we have learned how to appreciate one another by living apart. The real reason is that I don't have a computer that runs WoW, and her back up computer works great. She and I decided that living together would be better for our WoW characters.-Jan

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Nerd-o-Vision: Bathroom

June 21, 2010

Things look a little different when you're a nerd…

Filed Under   nerd-o-vision

Article Pwn Up: The Elder Pwns: Skyrim

By Kevin Corrigan / November 18, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

As it turns out, Wal-Mart did not have a midnight release for Skyrim.-Vash

I'm a Fedex driver. When I get packages with videogames in them I deliver them early.-radarorly

I was probably hit the hardest in my county by the freak East Coast snowstorm this October. A branch hit the power line outside my house, then some idiot hit it and dragged the line and my meter box through my front yard. I'm still without power due to the bureaucracy of installing a new meter box and getting it inspected. Needless to say, the release of Skyrim made the situation much more dire. Today I asked a neighbor if I could do laundry at their house. They said yes, and that they'd be out of the house for a few hours. In light of this, I dragged a 32 inch LED monitor and my desktop to their house. Hope they don't mind when they get home.-Styger

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Mayor Haggar's Press Conference

May 28, 2010
  1. Mayor Haggar

    Good afternoon. Lets just get in to it. First question; Daily Reporter.


    Hi, yeah, Mayor Haggar, why are you not wearing a shirt?

  3. Mayor Haggar

    Because I wasn't born wearing a shirt, and I'll die not wearing one. Next question, from the Sun Times.

  4. TIMES

    Don't you think you should wear a shirt to a press conference?

  5. Mayor Haggar

    Oh, THANK YOU, Clinton Kelly! No, I don't. My exploding pecs and rugged core will make the scum of our town behave the same way teenagers do at Confession – cowering fear, and occasional soiled pants.

  6. TIMES

    Isn't that what the police force is for?

  7. Mayor Haggar

    Excellent question, nerd, which brings me to my main topic – effective immediately, I'm disbanding the city's police force.

  8. TIMES

    WHAT? WHY?

  9. Mayor Haggar

    Much like the producers of Dukes of Hazzard, I have a better group that can accomplish the same goal. Unlike the producers of Dukes of Hazzard, this plan will work. So from here on out, the criminal element will be handled by me and these two teenagers. Guy and Cody, come on out!

  10. Cody and Guy walk on stage. The press is in a flurry.

  11. POST

    Sir, from the Post. What makes these guys better than an entire police force?

  12. Mayor Haggar

    They're good at karate.

  13. POST

    That's it? They're good at karate?

Article The Mod Squad: Issue #2

June 11, 2010

Do you have an awesome gaming set-up or system mod? Send a picture to dorklymod at gmail.

Filed Under   the mod squad

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #23

October 26, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

Apparently, I am not the only choir kid who plays on live. During a game of Halo 3, which was being particularly laggy that day, I began singing "A tribute to John Williams" during one of the bouts of lag. I was surprised to hear my song continued on by another player, perfectly matching my pitch and rhythm.-Simon
After winning a match of slayer on Halo Reach, one of my teammates says "Good Game" just as the scores post and the loading screen starts. I then proceed to say "Yeah it was great" at the same time a guy on our team yells "how do my nuts taste!?" All my team heard was me saying "Great" as a response. By the way I'm a girl.-Linda
I was playing Halo Reach and at one point one of my teammates yelled "EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!!" and left the game.-Caspar
Playing MW2 one night and my one buddy was having a conversation with his dad and forgot to mute his mic when we hear him say "I wouldn't come downstairs later, I'll probably be laying here in the chair playing video games naked".  -Nick B.
My friend has some unnatural obsession with Tails. So bad he went out and bought a plushie of him. So one day we were playing Red Dead Redemption.  Me and a few friends remembered there were foxes in Red Dead Redemption.  So we went hunting with our Tails loving companion. Needless to say we killed many foxes and teabagged them yelling at our poor friend "this is what you really do to Tails." He started crying and left the game and party.My friend is 28.-Simon

Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Pwn Up: Bathroom Habits

By Staff / April 13, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

 - Image 1
When I was younger, my house was situated in a way that let me see my parent's TV from my bunk bed. For a long time, I would to go to sleep watching my dad play Ocarina of Time. But one night, I fell asleep and ended up falling from the top bunk, knocking myself unconscious. I don't remember a thing, but my mom and dad were so worried they rushed me to the ER. Luckily, I didn't miss any important scenes.-Kyle

When I was applying to college last year, I had no idea what major I wanted. After hours of debating and no decisions, I sat down to play some Assassin's Creed II and blow off some steam. I am now a second year history major.-Dominic

I go through the Jedi Code in my head to calm down before an exam.-Rob

Thanks to my knowledge that major videogame releases happen on Tuesday and the fact that Borderlands 2 comes out on September 18th of this year, I now know that my anniversary is on a Wednesday.-Colin

Filed Under   pwn my life