(Page 112)

Article Issue #6

May 31, 2011

Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to!

I loved playing Bioshock, but it scared the hell out of me. When some of my friends discovered this, they started having Bioshock parties in which they would sit around and watch me play for comedy value as I involuntarily whimpered my way through the game. I allowed this to happen because I was often too scared to play it alone.-Anonymous

After beating Kingdom Hearts and collecting all the post-game things, I remember attempting the new Coliseum matches. I immediately gave up on Sephiroth, but I was constantly attempting to beat the Ice Titan. On one lucky fight, I managed to get his health down to a point where one more attack ought to have done it. I don't remember what I messed up, but suffice to say I died. I proceeded to cry and scream and I think I tried to throw my chair. My mom ended up taking the game away for several weeks. I never went back to that damn Coliseum.-Conor

A couple years ago, my family was preparing to go on a road trip. Not wanting me to be bored and annoying, they got me Final Fantasy Advance Tactics on my GBA. I hunkered down in the back seat and found myself hooked immediately, I played the whole 6 hour ride; then played well into the night at the hotel room, in fact I played so long that I fell asleep while playing. I woke up and my Gameboy had inevitably run out of battery and turned off. I hadn't saved the game since I hadn't planned on stopping. I broke down and cried in front of my whole family.-Anonymous

Article Pwn Up: Pity the April Fool

By Andrew Bridgman / April 1, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Okay So It Looks Like A Few Of You Do Pay Attention To URLs - Image 4
I have my local Gamestop on speed dial. Also, every associate there knows me by my first name.-Michael

We have certain rules in my home about shutting off everything after 9 PM because they are the "rules". I dont have a flashlight and my phone's brightness is very dim, so for a while I had to stop reading comics mid-climax of the story. One night, the dreaded 9 PM rule was on attack mode in the middle of Invincible Iron-Man: The Five Nightmares, and I wasn't going to sleep without finishing it. So trying to read it with my awful phone's brightness, I remembered last Christmas I was given a blue lightsaber keychain. I scrambled to find it as quickly as I could. Now when our 9 PM rule is in effect I will always have my blue lightsaber by my side to read my comics like any Jedi, if Jedi read comics.-Carlos

A few weeks ago, in the Awards Season entry of Pwn Up, I mentioned that my sister's dog "ate" my Nintendo DS Lite. So I thought I'd clarify a few things:

  • The dog is perfectly fine, no problems whatsoever
  • I will be getting a new 3DS for my birthday
  • The game that I had in the DS at the time was unharmed and still works (THANK GOD)
  • My DS was more chewed than actually eaten. I got back the remains to prove it (see picture below)

Pwn Up: Okay So It Looks Like A Few Of You Do Pay Attention To URLs - Image 2
Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Nerd-o-Vision: Boss

June 14, 2010

Things look a little different when you're a nerd…

Filed Under   nerd-o-vision

Article Best Nerdy April Fools Videos of 2012

By Staff / April 3, 2012

10. Mass Effect Saturday Morning Cartoon

9. Rock Band: Board Game

Filed Under   best of   april fools

Article Pwn Up: Kamehameha Lullaby

By Andrew Bridgman / October 19, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: - Image 3
When I was 10, I played Dragonball Z so much I couldn't sleep without my GameBoy under my pillow playing the title screen music. I went through a lot of batteries.-Aiden

A coworker and I were horsing around at work and attempting a crossword puzzle. The clue for one of the words was "Small Plateau" with 4 letters and the first we had as "M" and with out even thinking I blurted out "Mesa". I had no clue where that answer came from, but it was right. A bit later I realized the logo for Black Mesa is a plateau in a circle.-Jack

My parents were very proud of me today when I told them I picked up a night job in addition to going to college. My reasoning behind it was that way, I would have more money so I could buy both Pokemon Black and White 2. As soon as I saved enough money to get the games, I'm submitting my two weeks notice. They won't be proud of me for long.-Randal

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: I Can See Your Halo

By Andrew Bridgman / November 16, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: I Can See Your Halo - Image 1
When Halo 4 came out, I was the only one at the midnight release not getting it. I got a copy of Dragon Ball Z Budokai HD instead.-Christian

I was so pumped to hear everyone throwing the word BAMF around recently. I thought it was cool that a comic book reference had become modern slang. It wasn't until much later that I found out that the current use of BAMF was not a reference to the sound Nightcrawler made when teleporting.-Zack

I recently went to see a movie with my girlfriend. Since it was the Friday after Halloween, all the theater employees were dressed up. We go to get our popcorn and the cashier has an awesome Link costume, complete with a sword, shield and Navi. I compliment him on his costume and he lets out a big relieved sigh and says "Thanks man, you're the first person to get it. Everyone keeps calling me Peter Pan."-Fraser

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #8

July 1, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet?Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

Tattoo picture submitted by Marc.

I dislocated my kneecap and tore my meniscus playing MLB 2K9 on the Wii. When I told everyone how I got my injury, they mocked me, saying I broke my knee playing Wii baseball. It irked me that they didn't call it MLB 2K9 like I had said.-Frank

I was dating this girl for about two years in high school when she broke up with me. It was almost out of nowhere and she started dating some random guy she met a month before right after. Now at the time I had been playing Final Fantasy 9, and I had named the lead female character, Dagger, after her, Ashley. When we broke up, I used a re-name card and changed the name from Ashley to Slut and took her out of my main party. I'm almost embarrassed to admit how much better that made me feel. Almost.-Lilian

I took a week off work for the death of Batman.-Karl

I asked my boyfriend to marry me by getting down on one knee and putting a Nintendo Power Glove on his hand.-Suela

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Dorklyst: The 10 Greatest Secret Levels in Videogame History

March 3, 2011

Secret levels used to be something extremely special. Before the Internet, you had to either find them on your own or hear about them from the weird kid at school who spent recess picking his nose and staring at the sun. And once you did find out about them, all you wanted to do was brag about your new found knowledge. Let's salute the greatest secret levels in videogame history.


It's hard to bring out something weird and unexpected in a WWII game where Hitler's dead and you're fighting with lightning-zappers, invincibility devices, and time-travel — but then again, giant ants? Disbelief only suspends so far! It ends up feeling like Red Alert with Zerg, except with a lot more people saying "At once!" and "Affirmative!" over and over. The ants add a huge new challenge to the gameplay, where you have to radically change your strategy just to survive. Even then, it's hard as hell. So if you ever travel back in time and kill Hitler, remember to bring a giant can of Raid, okay?


George Lucas had to know that the Dark Side of the Force was the cooler one. I mean, would you rather be a badass asthmatic burn victim in black armor who hangs out with a grandpa who shoots lightning, or a wimpy blonde kid whose mentor thinks being a powerless ghost is "more powerful than you could ever imagine"? Clearly the Dark Side is the way to go — something Rogue Squadron figured it out in their bonus level, "Triumph of Empire." It's a familiar moment, the battle above the Death Star (classic version, not that half-built piece of crap that Lando blew up with his midget friend) — except you're in Darth Vader's TIE Fighter, wasting rebels left and right. And when it comes down to that pivotal trench run — well, let's just say that Luke won't be bullseyein' womp rats again anytime soon.

Filed Under   the dorklyst   secret levels

Article The Dorklyst: The 10 Greatest Slide Levels in Videogame History

February 2, 2011

Nobody likes levels that automatically scroll or ice levels where you slip around – but what if you combine the two? What if there was a level where you were automatically sliding to the bottom at all times, and there was nothing you could do to stop it? Let's find out with our tribute to the ten greatest slide levels of all time.

10. Super Mario Galaxy 2: Tall Trunks Galaxy's Tall Trunk Slide

Going all the way back to Super Mario Bros. 3, the Mario series has had a long-stranding and honorable tradition of having its protagonist slide down hills on his butt. Many unfortunate Koopa Troopas and Buzzy Beetles who have been on the wrong end of Mario's butt will tell you it's one his most deadly secret weapons. The game never really explained if this invincibility came from momentum or magic butt powers (I have theories), but for whatever reason Mario decided to get on his feet for the the Tall Trunk Slide of Mario Galaxy 2. This new posture and confidence lets Mario run on the ceiling when the slide fills out into a tube, a continuation of the Galaxy series' theme of playing with gravity.

9. Gunstar Heroes: The Pyramid

It's easy to describe cult-classic Gunstar Heroes as "anime Contra," but then you'd be leaving out the time-reversing bombs, Dice Palace boss/board game, and the epic 7-part battle with Seven Force. This is a relentlessly creative game that even features an exciting anti-gravity twist on the mine cart level. Their take on the slide level was simple – just add guns. That's right, Gunstar Heroes is the only slide level on this list where you can actually shoot a gun while you slide. The Pyramid is one of videogaming's most satisfying slide levels because it's not about avoiding obstacles, it's about blowing right through them.

Filed Under   the dorklyst   slide levels

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #19

September 28, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

The funniest thing I ever heard on Xbox live was while playing a MW1 match. I got into this game with a bunch of kids who were 12-14, all in the same clan and had all top prestige. I ended up playing well and was destroying them. After the match, one kid, I guess the leader, called me out to 1v1 him in a match. Considering I was already late to go out, I said I couldn't and he starting calling me out and what not. I then replied, "I'll 1v1 your mom, and he replied "Good, my mom is actually good at this game." Then in the background you hear "Mom, some kid wants to 1v1 you," the entire lobby just burst out in laughter, and the kid left.-Troy
Some dude on Modern Warfare 2, talking to another kid"So what I'm saying is, my threesome was with a solid 7, then maybe a 2. Does that mean I got with a single 9 or?"Other kid: "No man, you average it. So really you got with like a 4.5."-Justin
From a ten or eleven year old, during a Gears of War match"You're a douche-bag. You're a bag full of douches."-Dave
Filed Under   overheard on xbox