Articles

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Article Pwn My Life: Issue #33

September 30, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I pretend I have an adamantium covered skeleton and claws like Wolverine. When I bring out my pretend claws, they are "there" until I pretend to bring them back into my arms. While my imaginary claws are out, I am very conscious of their presence, and I'm very careful not to cut things of value to me, such as myself, my friends/family, or my stuff. I will, however, glide my hands near walls or doors pretending to cut them as I walk, then put them away when I'm done.-Collin

Before I play StarCraft 2, I use my sister's blow dryer to warm my fingers, making them faster.-Kevin

I have been dating my girlfriend for about a month. She has never played Portal, and I got tired of explaining all of the references, so I told her she should play it. She gave up within an hour claiming it was too hard. I told her that I wouldn't sleep with her again until she beat it. It's been three days, and she's almost finished the game.-Cody

Whenever I have to make myself cry, I think about David Tennant's regeneration scene in Doctor Who. The line "I don't want to go" always gets me.-Mike

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Behind The Scenes of 'The Walking Dead' Finale

By Andrew Bridgman / March 31, 2014

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  1. Scott Gimple

    ...and at the end of the episode, Rick says "They're fucking with the wrong people." Sound good, everyone?

  2. Another Writer

    Ooooooo....gonnnnnna have to disagree with ya there, Scott.

  3. Scott Gimple

    Which part?

  4. Another Writer

     Using the "F" word. Little too risque, I think.

Filed Under   conversations   the walking dead

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #27

November 23, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

I was  playing Halo 3 and my friend came into my dormroom stating he can't study and asked if I could help. I said sure and handed him the microphone. The next 3 games he proceeded to clearly read aloud the Native American history textbook. Halfway through game 3 one person asked "How are you able to play while reading that?" to which my friend calmly replied without hesitation "Please hold all questions to the end of lecture."-Michael
When Halo 2 first hit Xbox Live, me and my buddy would often go online just to piss people off. We would sit in the pre-game waiting rooms with other players all waiting for us to start the game but never actually play. We did, however, have auditions for our "Halo Boy Band", and we'd try to get players to sing along to our latest single, "My Halo Boyfriend". The best part? People actually tried to audition and sang to us about their "Halo Boyfriend". The 10 year old British kid was the real icing on the cake. He didn't take it so well when he didn't make the cut though.-Ryan
Overheard while on vent with some buddies.Buddy 1: I love watching youtube.Buddy 2: How about playing the damn game.Buddy 1: Nah.Buddy 2: I am going to build a keypad in your ass so when you scratchit you can f*cking play.Buddy 1: Sweet, that will make it easier to macro then.-Micah
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article The Dorklyst: The 8 Most Irresponsible Drinkers in Videogame History

By Andrew Bridgman / February 8, 2013
The Dorklyst: The 8 Most Irresponsible Drinkers in Videogame History - Image 11

There are a lot of things you should never do drunk – drive, text, walk, pretty much anything except "fall asleep and hope you wake up with a low-level headache." The list gets even longer when you're a videogame character, who should probably be saving the world or preparing for battle instead of trying to re-enact the SHOTS video. But that never stopped some virtual characters from takin' a few swigs too many at some inappropriate times. These are the 8 most irresponsible drinkers in videogame history.

8. Commander Shepard (Mass Effect 2)

The Dorklyst: The 9 Most Irresponsible Drunks in Videogame History - Image 1

While he's supposedly in a race against time to recruit a team to save the universe from the Reaper menace, Commander Shepard can sidle up to a bar and ask for a few drinks. And if he keeps asking for drinks, eventually the turian bartender will offer to make a special krogan drink for him, since Shepard's pretty sure he can handle it (having already come back from the dead once this game, odds are they can resurrect his liver once more, right?). It's a drink that's so strong that it's practically radioactive (which usually doesn't matter for krogans, given the whole "our entire race is dying out anyway" thing). If Shepard takes the drink, he instantly passes out and wakes up on a bathroom floor. Ignoring the nasty questions of how exactly he ended up there, it feels like maybe Shepard should get back to trying to stop those deep space-dwelling civilization-eaters instead of knocking back space-margaritas and passing out in front of urinals.

Filed Under   alcohol   the dorklyst

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #37

February 15, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

I was playing a match of Zombies with some of my friends, we were on the Black Ops map – Kino. My friend jumped behind another one of my friends and shot a zombie in the chest. The guy who got his 10 points stolen quit the game. He was the host. We were on round 24.-Tom
I was playing Black Ops the other day against a clan and on the load out screen for Nuketown heard two of the guys who sounded pretty young and Hispanic talking. "Dude, if you had to had to do your mom, sister, dad, or brother, which would it be?" To which the other guy answered, "Wait. Which brother?" I couldn't stop laughing the whole match.-E-D4S
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #31

December 21, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

I was playing Black Ops and I was in the pre-game lobby, when someone asked if anyone had seen the latest episode of Sons of Anarchy. Some guy decided he was going to be a smart-ass and said, "I don't watch that show because it glorifies things that I don't appreciate. I only watch shows that have values and things that I support." Some other guy spoke up and said, "Yeah, that's why you have all season's of To Catch A Predator on DVD." -Big Steve
So I was playing some Free Roam on Red Dead Redemption and I pass this guy who is just standing out in a field doing nothing. I ride up and all I hear on his mic is "fap, fap, fap, fap,fap" followed by grunting. -SHOTBlocker4044
One day while playing MW2 with a coworker, he said "The bigger they are, the harder they fall" since he unlocked the challenge. I regret it to this day, but my response was "No, the bigger they are, the harder you choke!" He never really looked at me the same.-Aaron
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Pwn Up: Mass Affection

By Staff / May 25, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Mass Affection - Image 3
I romanced Ashley in Mass Effect 1, and then Tali in Mass Effect 2. When Mass Effect 3 rolled around, I was faced with a difficult decision: Which one would I pick as my definitive love interest? I thought about it long and hard, pondering over "my" past experiences with the women and weighing the pros and cons of each choice, and I eventually settled on Ashley but kept a separate save file with which I could go back and choose Tali if I changed my mind. As the next several hours of the game progressed and I interacted more with both squadmates, I realized that I'd made a mistake. Tali had always been by my side, having complete faith in me even when close friends (like Ashley) thought I was a Cerberus traitor. While Ashley needed constant assurance and re-convincing, Tali trusted me absolutely, even with the fate of her entire race. My realization was like a romantic movie moment, except that instead of a stereotypical "dashing to the airport" scene I proved my devotion by going back to the other save file, effectively sacrificing 8 hours of gameplay to make things right. Keelah se'lai.-Charles

I recently got a new tattoo. Here it is, in all its 8-bit splendor.-Spencer (see below)

I'm in the army. I'm considering knocking my wife up so I can come home from overseas to play Diablo III for a couple weeks. Thanks, Blizzard!-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #54

December 16, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

After playing for six years, I finally won a caption contest on the Neopets site. I took a screen shot of my winning post and the virtual trophy. I keep it in a secret file on my desktop and I look at it when I'm feeling down. I'm 18 years old and the thing that cheers me up is reminiscing about the time I beat out a bunch of 7-year-olds in a children's humor contest.-C

I am a female comic book artist. One day I was messing around with my brother-in-law's copy of Scribblenauts and decided to summon "cartoonist." She looks exactly like me.-SubbyP

Last year, when CoD: MW 2 came out, my long-term crush had decided he wanted to pay me a visit because we hadn't seen each other in a while. I was hesitant, but he showed up anyway. He started kissing me while I was playing the game, and finally we got to fooling around. Mid-way through I stopped and told him, "I'm sorry. I just can't do this, I keep thinking about Call of Duty. I need to beat the campaign." Then I kicked him out and finished the campaign. He's still the number two man in my life, but number one will always be videogames.-Sarah

I got a nosebleed last night while playing Black Ops. My mom had to turn off my Xbox to get me to go clean myself up.-Hawkar

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Issue #6

May 31, 2011

Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to areyouafraidofthedork@gmail.com!

I loved playing Bioshock, but it scared the hell out of me. When some of my friends discovered this, they started having Bioshock parties in which they would sit around and watch me play for comedy value as I involuntarily whimpered my way through the game. I allowed this to happen because I was often too scared to play it alone.-Anonymous

After beating Kingdom Hearts and collecting all the post-game things, I remember attempting the new Coliseum matches. I immediately gave up on Sephiroth, but I was constantly attempting to beat the Ice Titan. On one lucky fight, I managed to get his health down to a point where one more attack ought to have done it. I don't remember what I messed up, but suffice to say I died. I proceeded to cry and scream and I think I tried to throw my chair. My mom ended up taking the game away for several weeks. I never went back to that damn Coliseum.-Conor

A couple years ago, my family was preparing to go on a road trip. Not wanting me to be bored and annoying, they got me Final Fantasy Advance Tactics on my GBA. I hunkered down in the back seat and found myself hooked immediately, I played the whole 6 hour ride; then played well into the night at the hotel room, in fact I played so long that I fell asleep while playing. I woke up and my Gameboy had inevitably run out of battery and turned off. I hadn't saved the game since I hadn't planned on stopping. I broke down and cried in front of my whole family.-Anonymous

Article Pwn Up: Pity the April Fool

By Andrew Bridgman / April 1, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Okay So It Looks Like A Few Of You Do Pay Attention To URLs - Image 4
I have my local Gamestop on speed dial. Also, every associate there knows me by my first name.-Michael

We have certain rules in my home about shutting off everything after 9 PM because they are the "rules". I dont have a flashlight and my phone's brightness is very dim, so for a while I had to stop reading comics mid-climax of the story. One night, the dreaded 9 PM rule was on attack mode in the middle of Invincible Iron-Man: The Five Nightmares, and I wasn't going to sleep without finishing it. So trying to read it with my awful phone's brightness, I remembered last Christmas I was given a blue lightsaber keychain. I scrambled to find it as quickly as I could. Now when our 9 PM rule is in effect I will always have my blue lightsaber by my side to read my comics like any Jedi, if Jedi read comics.-Carlos

A few weeks ago, in the Awards Season entry of Pwn Up, I mentioned that my sister's dog "ate" my Nintendo DS Lite. So I thought I'd clarify a few things:

  • The dog is perfectly fine, no problems whatsoever
  • I will be getting a new 3DS for my birthday
  • The game that I had in the DS at the time was unharmed and still works (THANK GOD)
  • My DS was more chewed than actually eaten. I got back the remains to prove it (see picture below)
-Maxx

Pwn Up: Okay So It Looks Like A Few Of You Do Pay Attention To URLs - Image 2
Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up