Articles

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Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #28

November 30, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

I was playing Nazi zombies with some friends on black ops on kino der toten and it was about round 20. We were backing up a flight of stairs all grouped together and there were tons of zombies just down the stairs. One of my friends then proceeded to say "I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE CARRIED LIKE A ROCK STAR!" and he jumped down the flight of stairs on top of all the zombies. Everyone died that round from too much laughing.-Ryan K.
Me and a friend were playing COD4 and a little kid who was probably 10 on our team would say "you're a little bitch" every time he would die. Eventually my friend asked him where he heard that from and he replied with "That's what my dad says to my mom" in a little whiny voice. -Andy
I was playing MW2 with my friend when I called in an Attack Helicopter. Me: Attack Helicopter! I choose you!Friend: A wild helicopter appears.Me: Attack Helicopter, use Big Ass Machinegun!Friend: It's super effective!Then the enemy shot my helicopter down.Me: Attack Helicopter has fainted.-Corey
Playing MW2"This map is a piece of Gonorrhea." -Lauren
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Article Pwn My Life: Issue #58

January 6, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at CollegeHumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I recently attended the Tron: Legacy midnight showing wearing my "The Dude Abides" shirt. While walking up the stairs a guy yelled to me, "Lebowski sucks!" Needless to say, we were each escorted from the premises. I have yet to see Tron: Legacy.-Anonymous

One day, the wi-fi on my Wii stopped working. Instead of using the Internet channel to look up porn that night, I had to make slutty looking Mii's on the Mii channel as a last resort. It was a struggle, but it was worth it in the end.-Anonymous

I use a C-3PO figurine to hold my retainer.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Issue #2

May 3, 2011

Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to areyouafraidofthedork@gmail.com!

Freshman year of High School my friends and I got super into WoW. I was a warlock. My friends and I would joke around by doing imitations of my voidwalker. While it was funny at first it really got to me. So much so that after a while I started to have nightmares about a voidwalker chasing me. To top it all off, I thought I saw a voidwalker in my room one night and punched this hallucination, which in reality was the shadow of my night stand. My dad made me pay for the damages to the wall and fix it myself using dry wall and a paint brush. -Tyler

My brother and his friend were playing a game on the old Sega Master System, which had a toggle button on the front to turn it off and on. While they were playing, I accidentally hit the power button down, but hadn't released it yet which kept it from turning off. My brother made me sit there holding the button down until they were done playing hours later.-Ivan P.

My dad has always been a bit of a casual gamer. He was unusually fond of Star Fox. So when I got a PS2, my dad was a little disappointed when he found out there was no Star Fox for it. Back when the PS2 was thriving in all it's glory, I had quite the collection. Then I went away to my mom's for the summer. During that time, my father decided he should trade in my system with all my games for a Gamecube so he could play Star Fox Adventures. I never cried so much in my life.-Sonny C.

Article Issue #4

May 17, 2011

Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to areyouafraidofthedork@gmail.com!

When I was 10, I tried to clone an Aerodactyl on Pokemon Blue using the trading method. On the other end of the trade was a "sacrifice Hypno" to be replaced by the clone. The trade went wrong, and the Aerodactyl died in the link cable. I ended up with two Hypnos.-Anonymous

About an hour into playing Ocarina of Time, my brother sunk up behind me with a ventriloquist dummy. I was so scared that I dropped the controller and huddled in a corner. It wasn't until 6 months laterthat I got the nerve to play Zelda again. I'm still terrified of dummies.-John

So, I was the weird kid in grade school. All of the girls in my elementary classes were bitches, so I hung out with the guys. As a result, I got into Pokemon, other video games, and trading card games. Being a girl who liked boy stuff marked me permanently as 'that weird girl.' In 3rd Grade, the guys in my class decided it would be a good idea to take my hand and force it across the chalkboard, making me scratch it. They did this a lot, and it sent me into fits. To this day I can't even think about my hand coming into contact with a chalkboard without having a phobic freak out.-Hallie

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #18

August 5, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

My alarm clock ringtone is the Final Fantasy VII victory theme. I start every morning feeling like a winner.-Lee

One day, I was over a friend's house and we were cutting up peppers for his parents' restaurant. He got a bit carried away and cut his finger all the way to the bone. Instead of going to the hospital straight away, he got a bunch of tissues and ran to the nearest keyboard to check if it was a finger that he used for any of his WoW hot keys.-Anonymous

My family's only Christmas tradition is to play Golden Eye for N64 on Christmas Eve, all day. -Danny

One time a male friend and I spent a whole evening creating our own teenage mutant ninja turtle. We chose a color, weapons and researched Italian Renaissance artists so we could get an appropriate name. We even made a photoshop picture of the turtle by mucking around with a pic of Donatello. The funny thing was his girlfriend broke up with him over it, because she felt what we did was "too intimate" and he was "obviously cheating" on her.-Saskia

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Viva la Dance Dance Revolution!

January 17, 2011
  1. French Soldier

    Viva la revolution!

  2. Napoleon

    Yes, I hear you, but what kind of revolution should we have?

  3. French Soldier

    Sir?

  4. Napoleon

    Well, the Americans did that whole Boston Tea Party revolt, which was pretty impressive.

  5. French Soldier

    We could find a bunch of croissants and toss them into the river…

  6. Napoleon

    No, we need to do something unique, plus croissants are too buttery, flakey, and delicious to waste.

Filed Under   dance dance revolution

Article Dorklassic: The Effects of the Videogame Recession

August 30, 2010

Filed Under   homeless

Article Pwn Up: School Daze

By Andrew Bridgman / June 29, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: School Daze - Image 1
In 4th grade, I moved from the ghetto to a nicer area of town. I didn't know anyone there and was very shy, but I soon bonded with a kid in my class named Mack. We liked all of the same nerdy things – but most of all Pokemon. We used to run around the schoolyard every recess holding battles with each other and training our Pokemon. One day Mack invited me over to his house, and after a while he pulled out this huge deck of Pokemon cards and asked if I knew the rules and how to play. Of course being the new kid from across town, I knew how to play – the way we used to play in my old neighborhood. About 3 turns into the match it was very clear that the way of "Raaawr Raawr my Pikachu attacks your guy, you're dead" wasn't how it was supposed to be played. Mack yelled at me to swap the Pokemon off my bench and to attach the element cards before I attacked. I got so fed up of him yelling at me, I ran out of his house crying and never spoke to him again in the 6 years of elementary school and 4 years of high school I had with him. Pokemon grudges last a lifetime.-Connor

I was in my health education class, and we were talking about radiation and what it causes. I had just gotten Fallout 3, and 'I Don't Want To Set the World On Fire' was playing in my head. I started singing it to myself. Then I realized it had suddenly gotten very quiet. I looked around – everyone was looking at me. I've never been more embarrassed. But then one kid jumped up and shouted "Oh man! Fallout 3!"-Alex

Everyday when I wake up I do one of the basic moves from each of the bending disciplines from Avatar: The Last Airbender just to see if I've miraculously learned how to bend.-Casey

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #3

June 8, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I had no ride home from work one night. Instead of walking or calling someone, I went back inside and played The Legend of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass on my DS. For 15 hours. Until it was time to start my shift for the next day.-Ty

I went on a date with a girl I met on a dating site. She seemed geeky and cool, so I was honest when she asked what my pet peeve was. I said "Pi." She misunderstood. She thought I was talking about the dessert. I explained that we treat Pi like it's a rational number when it's an irrational number and thus shouldn't be used for practical calculations, and that it's bull crap anyway, because you can draw a circle with an evenly measured circumference, so using non-terminating, non-repeating Pi as part of a calculation is faulty. She didn't say anything for the rest of the date. -Jack

I punched my dad in the face for trying to make me stop playing FFVII in the middle of fighting Sephiroth.-Tom

My friend and I called the Nintendo help line to find out how to unlock the car race mini-game mode in Mario Party 5. They didn't know. We were furious.-Josh

I tugged it to the Danger Girl videogame more times then I can count.-David

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #77

By Kevin Corrigan / May 27, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I'm not a gamer, but read Dorkly via collegehumor. I drive open-wheel formula race cars, and I'm a driving instructor for new drivers. While quite adept at driving an actual race car, I was never able to make heads or tails of the sims and games. Some people do it well, but I'm not one of them.

New drivers are required by regulation to attend a driving school before a competition license can be issued. I had one guy as a student who was a huge gamer. He loved racing sims so much that he purchased an actual race car, fire gear, helmet, etc. in order to do it for real. He was very cautious through his school experience, a bit less aggressive than I would have preferred, but I figured he would work through it.

After finishing school, you are on a provisional license for two races. After that, you get your competition license. The gamer guy's first race weekend was at a race I was going to be at so I told him to look me up and I'd give him a few pointers. We went out for the first practice session which included different formula cars (formula atlantic, maybe 160-170 mph capable while we were 130-ish capable). About half way through the session I lapped him. Two laps later, I was going down a straightaway and got split (one car going by on each side) by a pair of formula atlantics. No big deal. Done it a million times.

I came in from the session and pulled the race car in. His car was already on the trailer. I got out of my car and told him to get the car off the trailer. Whatever broke, we could fix it. He told me the car was fine. I asked why his car is on the trailer. It turned out he was split by the same pair of atlantics. At the speed he was moving, they had a speed differential of probably 60 mph going by him on either side, about 2 feet from his head. He said "This is NOTHING like racing sims on the computer! I'm going home!" I replied, "Yeah, it's your ass out there. No reset on a race car."

He left. Haven't seen him since. It's been 6 years.-B

Filed Under   pwn my life