Articles

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Article Pwn Up: Issue #86

By Kevin Corrigan / July 29, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

When I was a kid, my mom used to make my brother and I keep a diary. I found it recently. There was one month where almost every page had a comment about Street Fighter II. The most remarkable ones:-I hate Vega, he is such a cheater-I hate Vega, climbing the fence is illegal-Brother told me he beat Vega, but that's impossible. I hate VegaAfter a few weeks without Streetfighter comments, I wrote, "I hate Sagat!!!!"-Anonymous

When I first started dating my girlfriend, she let me borrow her Gameboy. When I lost interest in her, I was afraid to break up with her because I thought she was going to take her gameboy back. I stayed with her for six more months.-Henry

When I was in the 12th grade, my school district had a contest: Every time you bought milk, you got a scratch card. First and second prize were expensive, but lame. Third prize was an Xbox 360. My friend and I were intrigued by the contest because the cheapest milk was just 10 cents. I really wanted that 360. My friend just wanted the scratch cards and had no interest in gaming. It was win-win. We bought 50 milks the first day. We drank them during lunch, and scratched the cards during English. We were both pretty sick by the end of the day. I usually took the bus home from school. I had to get off the bus before my stop and walk so I could vomit a few times. We slowed down our pace after that, and enlisted others to help.We spent about $50 on milk during the month long contest. We didn't win a single thing.-Andrew J.

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Dorklyst: 7 Promised Sequels We'll Probably Never See

By Sophie Prell / July 12, 2011


Seeing as how LulzSec recently ended their hacker crasher cruise, I thought I would be a good Samaritan and fill the lulz/asshole void. So allow me, dear readers, to be your troll for a day. Allow me to show you the way things are, as heartless and cruel as you like it. Here are seven promised videogame sequels that, as much as you might want them, will probably never come to be.

That's right. Cry. Cry, and fuel my list of torment. For it begins with…


7. Psychonauts 2


To be fair, we could make a list entirely out of Tim Schafer projects alone, but Psychonauts holds a special place in gamers' hearts and minds (see what I did there?). The first game followed Raz as he climbed the ranks from cadet to Psychonaut, all the while unraveling a conspiracy amongst the camp counselors who were supposed to be helping him. Just as he finally sorts out his powers, and an exciting new psychic crisis presents itself, the game ends. The cliffhanger practically begs for a sequel, and Schafer himself said back in November 2010 he was ""ready" for a Psychonauts 2."://www.computerandvideogames.com/275156/news/psychonauts-2-tim-schafer-is-ready-to-do-it/

He seemed pretty proud of his cult classic, saying that, "Over the years it's gotten into the hands of a lot of people, through being two dollars on Steam for a while, and being pirated [empahsis added]," and that, "…if all these people were going to buy the sequel it would be a big hit."

Oh, yeah! If only all those pirates — you know, people who steal shit — would just buy the game, maybe it would be a big hit! C'mon, publishers, what's holding you back from a business proposal like that? And think of all the merchandising you can do with this cuddly cast of characters.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Games I'll Probably Throw Out Now That I Own GTA IV

May 11, 2010

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #41

March 15, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

I was playing team deathmatch on Call of Duty: Black Ops yesterday when I heard someone open a door very loudly and yell "Whats up?! Are you winning?" followed by the guy saying "Dude! Knock before you just barge in here! What if I was masturbating!?"-Cody
While playing Halo 2 a few years ago some kid who couldn't have been older than 11 was talking sh*t. After a few games of this my friend asks "Are you even allowed in your mom's room?" The kid says yes, quite proudly, so my friend replies with "wake me up in the morning".-BigDog
My gamertag on Xbox live is Kira, now for any of you who've seen Death Note you get it. But a lot of people think I'm a girl because of it. Well one day I was in the lobby of a Halo 3 game, and as soon as I entered some 12 year old kid is like "Ooh, Kira, it's a girl." and rambling on about that, then I go "Hey, sup?" in a pretty deep voice. His response "Oh sh*t!" and left the game.-Josh
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Pwn Up: The Dork Knight Rises

By Julia Lepetit / August 17, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: The Dork Night Rises - Image 1
My dad is in the Air Force and was deployed for a year so I wound up taking care of my little brother most of the time. I was also a Starcraft fanatic (I started at age 8) so I spent all of my free time playing. When it was time for my brother to go to sleep, I would lovingly rock him to the sound of exploding Zergs and machine guns. Now screaming and gunfire put him to sleep faster than lullabies.-Terisa

I never learned how to ride a bike when I was younger so when my girlfriend found out, she insisted on teaching me how to ride. At first, I was scared of falling off and would constantly stop myself because of that fear. Now, my girlfriend and I are huge fans of the "Dune" novels so at this point I shouted to my girlfriend "I'd rather ride a sandworm than a bike!" Then, she looked me in the eyes and told me "Fear is the mind killer", she put my hands on the handlebars and said "These are your maker hooks, ride Shai-Hulud and become a man". After a few repetitions of the Litany Against Fear, I psyched myself up, and pedaled the living hell out of that bike. Now I ride my bike, named Shaitan, whenever I get the chance.-Bryant

I decided to see The Dark Knight Rises on it's midnight release dressed as Batman. I was the only one in the entire theatre dressed up for the premiere. At some point, some joker (no pun intended) started getting laughing maniacally at everything. He was ruining the movie for everyone so I turned around and told him to shut up. He said "I think this is terribly funny. Who are you to decide what I laugh at?" In response, I stood up and in the raspy Batman voice, said "I'm Batman, your argument is invalid!" Just as I said that, on-screen Bane blew up the football field, the buildings, the streets, and the bridges. Everyone laughed intensely. No one could calm down for a full 5 minutes. That guy never spoke again for the entire movie. -Sawyer

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #10

July 8, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I camped out overnight for the iPhone 4. Not because of Facetime. Not because of the speed. Not because of the retina display. I did it because there's a Magic: the Gathering app that includes life counters, token counters, mana counters, a glossary of terms, and card search.-Tim

I've been playing WoW since it came out, and I have protocols set up so that if my ethernet becomes unplugged or unresponsive while playing, my wireless card will take over the connection.-JA

My ex-boyfriend and I used to play WoW together. He broke up with me because I said male blood elves are gay, then kicked me out of our guild in the middle of a raid. I was so pissed I wasn't going to get my dagger that I didn't even care about the break up.-Sara

I was afraid of the power going out during Y2K, because I didn't want to lose the Everquest group I was in.-Edge

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article An Ode To The Steam Summer Sale

By Jared Bronen / July 19, 2013

Filed Under   poetry   steam sale

Article Behind The Scenes of 'The Walking Dead' Finale

By Andrew Bridgman / March 31, 2014

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  1. Scott Gimple

    ...and at the end of the episode, Rick says "They're fucking with the wrong people." Sound good, everyone?

  2. Another Writer

    Ooooooo....gonnnnnna have to disagree with ya there, Scott.

  3. Scott Gimple

    Which part?

  4. Another Writer

     Using the "F" word. Little too risque, I think.

Filed Under   conversations   the walking dead

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #33

September 30, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I pretend I have an adamantium covered skeleton and claws like Wolverine. When I bring out my pretend claws, they are "there" until I pretend to bring them back into my arms. While my imaginary claws are out, I am very conscious of their presence, and I'm very careful not to cut things of value to me, such as myself, my friends/family, or my stuff. I will, however, glide my hands near walls or doors pretending to cut them as I walk, then put them away when I'm done.-Collin

Before I play StarCraft 2, I use my sister's blow dryer to warm my fingers, making them faster.-Kevin

I have been dating my girlfriend for about a month. She has never played Portal, and I got tired of explaining all of the references, so I told her she should play it. She gave up within an hour claiming it was too hard. I told her that I wouldn't sleep with her again until she beat it. It's been three days, and she's almost finished the game.-Cody

Whenever I have to make myself cry, I think about David Tennant's regeneration scene in Doctor Who. The line "I don't want to go" always gets me.-Mike

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Dorklyst: The 8 Most Irresponsible Drinkers in Videogame History

By Andrew Bridgman / February 8, 2013
The Dorklyst: The 8 Most Irresponsible Drinkers in Videogame History - Image 11

There are a lot of things you should never do drunk – drive, text, walk, pretty much anything except "fall asleep and hope you wake up with a low-level headache." The list gets even longer when you're a videogame character, who should probably be saving the world or preparing for battle instead of trying to re-enact the SHOTS video. But that never stopped some virtual characters from takin' a few swigs too many at some inappropriate times. These are the 8 most irresponsible drinkers in videogame history.

8. Commander Shepard (Mass Effect 2)

The Dorklyst: The 9 Most Irresponsible Drunks in Videogame History - Image 1

While he's supposedly in a race against time to recruit a team to save the universe from the Reaper menace, Commander Shepard can sidle up to a bar and ask for a few drinks. And if he keeps asking for drinks, eventually the turian bartender will offer to make a special krogan drink for him, since Shepard's pretty sure he can handle it (having already come back from the dead once this game, odds are they can resurrect his liver once more, right?). It's a drink that's so strong that it's practically radioactive (which usually doesn't matter for krogans, given the whole "our entire race is dying out anyway" thing). If Shepard takes the drink, he instantly passes out and wakes up on a bathroom floor. Ignoring the nasty questions of how exactly he ended up there, it feels like maybe Shepard should get back to trying to stop those deep space-dwelling civilization-eaters instead of knocking back space-margaritas and passing out in front of urinals.

Filed Under   alcohol   the dorklyst