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Article The Dorklyst: The 6 Strangest In-Game Ads in Videogame History

By Sophie Prell / October 20, 2011

Well hey there, kids! Do you like awesome? Do you like excitement? Then you're gonna love this Dorklyst countdown of the strangest in-game advertisements! Buckle your seatbelts because we're going on a crazy ride through modern gaming's most whorish advances into your brain's consumption lobe! This Dorklyst brought to you by Kool-Aid! Oh yeahhhhh!!

Please note: This Dorklyst not actually brought to you by Kool-Aid.

6. Red Bull in Worms 3D

As a power-up in the classic tiny warfare franchise, Red Bull feels a little out of place next to the Kamikaze worm and Holy Hand Grenade. But still, I suppose even invertebrates need that extra pick-me-up. If one of your little buddies is low on health, give him one of these to pep him up. If Worms 3D were to adapt the Red Bull slogan it would become "Drink Red Bull! It gives you health!"

But wait, something feels off here. Oh yeah! Red Bull, and energy drinks in general, are f**king awful for you. They've got about twice as much caffeine as a can of pop (yes, I'm from the Midwest, and that's what we call it here) making them addictive as all hell. As a diuretic, it also makes it harder for you to poop. Which, you know… poop jokes. They're funny, right?

But really, the joke here isn't necessarily about the adverse health effects of Red Bull, it's the fact that worms shooting cannons are drinking Red Bull. It's like Activision partnering with Burger King so that every time you needed health in Call of Duty, you eat a Whopper. How the hell does this happen in the first place, anyway? Is the in-game placement supposed to make me thirsty for a Red Bull? To think of one of these little creepy-crawlies as my bro in caffeinated beverage glory?

5. Everything in Battlefield: 2142

It's one thing to know your audience. It's a whole different beast to convince your audience they're about to install spyware to find their browsing habits and display them publicly in-game. God forbid you've got some really kinky stuff in those browser cookies. You dirty bird, you.

Naturally, people didn't like that and a subsequent ragefest ensued. The mess lead to a whole bunch of clarifications from EA, including one on Gamasutra.

In truth, the game simply captures how you respond to the advertisements placed, not how to place the ads themselves. It captures information like IP address, time logged on, and information related to how one looks at the ads: how long, at what angle, etc. All in all, pretty harmless. Especially compared to that rocket coming straight at your face. Kaboom!

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Article The 6 Weirdest Tie-in Videogames

July 12, 2010

1. Chester Cheetah: Too Cool To Fool/Wild Wild Quest

Chester Cheetah was part of the rash of 80's/90's "EXTREME" mascots that tried to teach kids that the only way to be cool was to wear shades all the time, eat terrible junk food and say rad catchphrases like "It ain't easy bein' cheesy!" No kidding! Especially when there is zero actual cheese in your product. But "It ain't easy being orange powdery" didn't have the same bite.

The games were more or less what you'd expect from a Chester Cheetah game: a standard platformer. Chester contended with BODACIOUS skateboarders and GNARLY scorpions, utilizing the SUPERBLY CHEESY taste of Cheetos to give him the energy to ride a ROCKIN' motorcycle for some reason and fight bad dudes. You do have to wonder – did Cheetos know gamers at all? Did they really think they needed videogames to remind them to eat Cheetos? The gamer food pyramid consists of nothing but Cheetos and Mountain Dew: Code Red as it is.

WEIRD FACT: There were two Chester Cheetah games. America, for shame.

2. Cool Spot

Speaking of "extreme" mascots who wore shades all the time…I humbly present to you, Cool Spot. Probably one of the least imaginative mascots ever, Cool Spot was a red circle with arms and legs and, naturally, some sweet shades. He was only slightly more entertaining than Orlando Jones naively shouting "UP YOURS" to citrus pop-loving folk.

Shockingly, this game was pretty entertaining despite being about a red dot grabbing 7-Up soda bubbles on a beach. Still, I think we can all agree that a "Heads Up, 7-Up" game would have been roughly 100x better.

WEIRD FACT: 7-Up's motto at the time of the game was "Uncola" – which was Spanish for "We need to think of a new motto, Jerry."

Article Pwn Up: Issue #1 According to the DC Universe

By Kevin Corrigan / September 30, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

I got suspended from my high school this week. I got in a fight with a kid in my algebra class for spoiling the Gears of War 3 campaign.-Anonymous

Once, while having ingrown toenail surgery, I used New Super Mario Bros DS as an anesthetic. I played through world 4-4 in lieu of effective painkillers.-Steven

During elementary school, I wasn't exactly what you'd call popular. For two glorious months, however, I was the mayor of the playground. I used my knowledge of Sim City and Roller Coaster Tycoon, along with a bucket of chalk, to turn the playground into Chalktown. It was an enormous expanse of chalk lots and residential zones on the asphalt. I numbered them and rented them out to my fellow students. I even designated a police force to keep the peace. There was a department of commerce to oversee the commercial district. Our currency was kickballs. The best part was when the bullies came to me and begged for a residential lot after noticing the rest of the playground was vacant. I gave them one right in-between the industrial district and the nuclear power plant.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn Up: Epwna's Song

By Andrew Bridgman / September 21, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Epwnas Song - Image 1
When I was a kid, I played the Legend of Zelda on the NES. Since the game was called 'Legend of Zelda,' I entered Link's name as Zelda (thinking that was what his name was supposed to be). Little did I know, that was the code to make the game much harder. I gave up almost instantly and hated the series for years, never realizing I had screwed myself over.-Jason

One summer, my PSX memory card started to act up. It wouldn't save anything correctly. I had just borrowed Final Fantasy VII from a friend, I was determined to beat it regardless of my memory card. I would play for a couple of hours a day and then I would leave the PSX on overnight and wake up and go at it again. This went on for about 6 days. Finally, I got to the boss and I beat him. I jumped around my room. I never felt so good in my life! Then I realized there was a disc 2…-Kerby

The first word I ever spoke was "Pikachu." Apparently, my parents had me watching the cartoon series a lot when I was a baby. I didn't learn "mama" or "dada" for another few months.-Julio

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: Metal Gear Coward

By Andrew Bridgman / October 26, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: - Image 3
I was working at the 2012 New York Comic Con, passing out business cards, when a female Link strolled past me. Since I was handing out business cards, I yelled "IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE. TAKE THIS." She didn't understand the reference. I guess it's a secret to everybody…-Josh

I went skydiving last weekend. I wasn't nervous at all – instead, all I could think about was "I'm going to be like Naked Snake dropping into Soviet Russia." I only wish I could have landed towards a tree and do a landing on the knee, instead of in that field and the sloppy landing.-Henry

After about three months of going out with my girlfriend, I told my first lie of the relationship: I told her that the reason I hadn't phoned or texted for the past week was because I had left my phone in my locker and couldn't get to it. The truth was that Pokemon Black 2 had just come out and I didn't want anyone distracting me.-Sean

Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up

Article Pwn Up: SummerSlam

By Kevin Corrigan / September 2, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Gamestop is speed dial #3 on my phone, right between my mom and Pizza Hut.-Elliot C.

I'm a journeyman electrician. When it came to make business cards, the only logical step was to cover them with various electrical Pokemon. They are a huge hit. At the bottom they even include the tag "It's super effective," so you know I am a pro.-Anonymous

A few days ago I woke up and stumbled into my living room where I was met by my roommate. He politely asked me that the next time I use his laptop that I not delete his browsing history because doing so had cleared all of his stored passwords and such. After casually agreeing and apologizing, I looked towards his girlfriend to see that she was giving me a look of stern disappointment. I explained that I had deleted the history in fear of being ridiculed for spending all night browsing color palettes and taunts for my favorite Street Fighter IV characters so I could choose the ones that were the coolest. Neither believed me, they assumed I had been looking at porn and I could not convince them otherwise. I still haven't decided if the truth is more embarrassing or if I should consider this a victory.-David S.

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #25

November 9, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

One thing my friend does to keep from playing with little kids is state as soon as he is in the game and hears high pitched voices, he 'notifies' everyone that he is a sexual offender with emphasis on children and that he is mandated to notify everyone. He's not, but he is a genius, 'cause it works everytime.-Tommy
"Baby, if you get in daddy's way again during his Modern Warfare time, I will squish your tiny head and make you retarded."-Marc
The other day I was playing MW2 and not having a very good round. Some guy comes on the mic and starts yelling at me that I'm bringing the team down and how much better he was (even though his score wasn't much better). Anyway, I figured I'd mess with him so I told him I wasn't doing very well because I was playing on my iPad. The guy proceeded to tell the friends he was with and began asking me how that was possible. Being a computer engineer I made up some fancy jargon to get him to believe I actually was. I never told him I was joking so he may still be looking for a way to do that.-Andy W.
I was watching my brother play some Forza Motorsport 3, when all of a sudden (he has voice chat set to play through his speakers), someone blurts out "HOLY F*CKING SH*T" and their car just moves forward, decelerating, until it hits a wall. He comes back about 2 minutes later, and just blurts out, "MY F*CKING SOFA WAS JUST ON FIRE"-Liam
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article The Dorklyst: 10 of the Greatest Noir Games in Videogame History

By Caldwell Tanner and Owen Parsons / May 26, 2011

Playing L.A. Noire this week has reminded us of two things: 1) There is nothing more badass than a hard-boiled detective solving crimes while wearing a freshly pressed suit, and 2) The closest we'll ever get to being that cool is by playing videogames based on said characters. Besides, we look terrible in suits. But Rockstar was far from the first developers to put noir detective stories in an interactive context, so grab a fedora and pour yourself three fingers of rye as we take a look at our favorite noir videogames of all time.

10) Killer7

We're initially skeptical of any adult whose preferred nickname involves numbers, but Suda51, the creator of No More Heroes and Killer7, has definitely won us over. His stylized, heavily Japanese take on the noir genre involves a man named Harman Smith whose unique (i.e. "made-up") form of split-personality disorder allows him to become one of seven different assassins, each with their own distinct talents and quirks. Without getting into detail about each assassin, I'll just leave you with the most important fact: in this game you can play as a Mexican Wrestler named MASK de Smith who just might have the ability to headbutt bullets. Despite its wild, cell-shaded visuals and the inclusion of a group of power-ranger ripoffs known simply as "The Handsome Men," Killer7 is an intense tale of conspiracy and betrayal that shows off videogames' unique ability to take a well-tread concept like film noir and expand it into new (and insane) areas of narrative.

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Dorkly's 20 Favorite Videos of 2010

January 5, 2011



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Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #35

January 25, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

I was playing COD:BO with my ex-girlfriend. When we played I always used to abuse a certain gamer. This was called iAmAsUpR1337 and I was going apesh*t at this guy and it didn't help that he was getting 1 kill every 4 deaths. So this kid goes offline after ten minutes of pure abuse and after the game me and my girlfriend go to sleep . When we arrived at her parents house her younger brother, who is seven, said that he finally got Live and Black Ops. I asked him what his gamertag was and he said IAmAsUpR1337. My girlfriend broke-up with me the same day.-Eli
I was playing Left 4 Dead 2 online and I started making conversation with a guy on my team. I told him I was having a good vacation, and then asked him "are you on Spring Break, too?" to which he replied "everyday is spring break when you're unemployed."-Julien
Filed Under   overheard on xbox