Articles

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Article Pwn Up: Videogame Funeral

By Staff / April 6, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Videogame Funeral - Image 2

The first funeral that I attended was when I was about 7 or 8 and took place at my best friend's house. We and our brothers celebrated the life of my friend's golden Legend of Zelda NES cartridge. Near the end, the game just wouldn't play right anymore without glitching up. We each said our favorite memories, and it was "buried" underneath the couch in his basement. It will always live on in our memories.-Mike

I keep my mouse with me in my bag when I visit my girlfriend. I use it to play LoL when she falls asleep next to me. If she asks what I'm doing, I tell her I'm working or sending an e-mail. She hasn't questioned it yet.-Luke

I remember a time when I was about 13 in which I wanted to get a fake I.D. I didn't want a fake to get tobacco or alcohol, I wanted one so I could get M-Rated video games. I just turned 17 that won't be a problem anymore.-zRiffz

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Dorklyst: The 6 Worst Attempts At Realism In Videogame History

April 7, 2011



For much of gaming history, publishers tossed around the word "realistic" as if it were a synonym for "quality." Some developers seemed to believe games would only be perfect once they had replicated every bowel movement, popped zit, and sweaty handshake found in real life. As you may imagine, hilariously awful missteps ensued. Here are six of the worst offenses committed in the name of "videogame realism."


6.) Dragonheart: Fire & Steel – The Stamina Bar



A licensed game with broken features? Shocking, I know. Conceptually, the stamina bar is actually a solid gaming concept. It's a special power (like speed) that the player can dole out at their leisure. In Dragonheart, however, you didn't lose stamina when you sprinted or used a special attack, but literally every time you swung your sword. Taking on more than few opponents left you either panting and out of breath, or hiding behind your shield, hoping nobody saw you. Add embarrassingly visible erections, and it was seventh grade gym all over again!

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Pwn Up: v1.8 Adventure Update

By Kevin Corrigan / September 9, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

All of the computers at my work are linked together. I was bored one day and decided that, since nobody checks on me, I would play solitaire. After winning my first game, I noticed that I wasn't even close to the top score in the office. That was held by my boss. One month later I had the top 23 scores and was fired for playing games on the job.-Brendon

I lost a bet. The wager was that I had to get an SNES controller tattooed right above my arse, on the area generally known as the "tramp stamp." I love it.-Anonymous

My girlfriend and I play strip Pokémon.-Anonymous

My dad walked in on me during a Catherine cut scene that had some sexual tension. He left quickly, making things very awkward. He didn't talk to me for a few days after, just the occasional "Hi son" whenever I walked in the front door. One day he gave me a sleeve of DVDs and said, "It's not my place to judge, just don't let your mother find out." Confused, I popped the disk into my laptop and it was anime. I fast forwarded five minutes and it was hentai. My dad thought I was playing hentai on my PS3.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article 5 Bioshock Audio Diaries If Andrew Ryan Was a Furry

By Brian Murphy and Kevin Corrigan / April 1, 2011





Article Pwn Up: The Ghosts of Christmas Presents

By Jake Young / December 23, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail. This week the theme was tales of Christmas memories, which inevitably turned into an in-depth look of the psychological maelstrom that is "Christmas Morning".

 

It was Christmas 2000, Pokemon Gold and Silver had just come out and it was all that I wanted. As me and my siblings are opening presents my brother got his game boy color and copy of gold. I was so excited, when it was my turn to open my copy of silver... Only the game isn't in there. It's socks...

I couldn't find my game anywhere. Everyone moves on and I am devastated. Finally after hours of torment my mom tells me to check the bottom of a shoe box. They had put in a fake bottom to hide my game and game boy.

Pwn Up: Ghosts of Christmas Presents

To this day I still feel weird around Christmas because of those few harrowing moments that I "almost didn't get Pokemon".

-Stetson

Filed Under   christmas   pwn my life   pokemon   pwn up   gifts

Article The Dorklyst: The 9 Coolest Motorcycles in Videogame History

By Owen Parsons and Caldwell Tanner / July 21, 2011


9. Excitebike (Excitebike)


No list of awesome videogame motorcycles would be complete without the classic pixelated motocross simulator featured in pizza parlors across the country. It usually came as a twofer with Super Mario Bros., but that was just a decoy to keep the other kids away from the screen where true red-blooded 9-year-old motorcycle fanatics could hold court.

Sure, the bikes themselves aren't that great. They overheat and stall out if you so much as brush up against the throttle. But for those fleeting moments after you launch your bike off a giant ramp, as you soar over the rest of the pack like a majestic two-stroke eagle, all those engine troubles are forgotten. And nothing surpasses the pleasure of overtaking that speedy blue asshole & clipping his front tire, forcing him into a brutal head-over-handlebars tumble. I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure this was the first Nintendo game where trying to give your opponent a spinal injury was a key part of the gameplay.

Filed Under   the dorklyst   motorcycles

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #83

By Kevin Corrigan / July 8, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I suspect that the guy two issues ago that watched every episode of Dragonball Z in a month and a half may be my boyfriend.-A white mage

My parents got divorced when I was six. It was the same year that the Nintendo 64 was released. Without knowing, they both bought me an N64 to keep at their houses. I'm guessing it was to buy my brother and I's love. For the next three years I would get each of them to buy me the same games, so I'd be able to play them no matter where I was.-Mike

I have over 386 days played on 12 level 80+ characters on WoW. That's over 5% of my entire life.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Diary Entry From a Comic-Con Survivor

By Julia Lepetit / October 11, 2013
Diary Entry From a ComicCon Survivor

Filed Under   war   comic-con

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #75

By Kevin Corrigan / May 13, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

A friend I hadn't seen since high school recently moved back in town. He reminded me about the bets we used to make over games of Wayne Gretzky 3D Hockey. He actually found and showed me a contract he wrote and I signed after a bad string of double-or-nothings. Apparently, I'm contractually obligated to name my first sons Snake, E. Honda, and Omega Red.-Anonymous

I was pulled over at 3am on Cinco de Mayo because my brake light was out. This being a drinking holiday, the officer thought I was drunk. Even after passing a field sobriety test, he still gave me a hard time. It wasn't until I provided my ticket stub to the 12:01am late-night premier of Thor that I was able to convince him that I was a nerd, not a drunk.-Sameo

I used to have an extensive collection of Weird Al CDs that I didn't listen to anymore. I took them to my local music store to trade in for store credit. The store also sold used videogames. When I took the CDs to the pretty girl at the counter, she looked at them and said "Getting rid of your Weird Al, eh?" I said, "Yeah, I think it's about time I grew up." Then I used the store credit to buy Pokemon Leaf Green.-Parker

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Issue #9

June 21, 2011

Have a nerdy horror story you want to share with the Internet? Send your submissions to areyouafraidofthedork@gmail.com!

I was 11, my dad was painting mine and my brother's room so I had to put all my things in the middle, then went to stay with my grandma. By this point I'd spent probably close to $500 total on Pokemon cards. Anyway, I put my cards in a bin, and because I didn't want to get paint on them, covered it with a towel. My father, also had a towel to wipe paint if it was dripping, and threw it on top of my garbage. Apparently, he at some point confused the two and threw the wrong bin out. By the time I got back, it was past garbage pickup, and my huge collection of cards was gone forever. I had over 50 hollo cards, and every card was in plastic for protection. I still feel sad whenever I think about them.-Anonymous

For years, I refused to be downstairs alone due to the life-sized borg queen bust with glass eyes in the corner. Those stupid glass eyes followed me everywhere I went, I swear to god. That bust is in the loft now. I don't go in the loft anymore.-Ken

I was 12 years old when I first played Silent Hill. As many gamers would know, when an enemy is near, your radio goes static. So one night I'm playing alone in my living room and I accidentally sit on the remote for our stereo. The thing comes on with very loud static. I slept with the lights on for 5 months.-Sno