Articles

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Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #2

June 3, 2010

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

Kid 1: I hate when big kids call you out on stuff just because- Kid 2: Dude, you just said "big kids."- Calvin L.

In the middle of a Gears of War game, there were two guys split screening on our team. The one guy said that he had to go to the bathroom, but I noticed that he never stopped playing. I heard occasional grunting and bowel movements for the rest of the game. - Eric

I overheard a guy who sounded to be about 17 doing a drug deal on his cell phone during a free-for-all Halo 3 match. He won by nine kills.- Calvin L.

My friend and I joined a game, and our team was full of little kids. I assumed they were all friends, but then they all started yelling at each other. One kid said "I will rip your balls off!" About 5 seconds later, another kid in the background of all the other kids yelling at each other yells "I'm going to rip your balls off and put it on your pepperoni pizza!" - Ryan D

Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #38

February 22, 2011

Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.

So today I was playing matchmade Living Dead on Reach. Someone pipes up in the lobby with a voice that sounds like a 12 year old girl speaking gibberish. As it turns out, it was a British kid who was 4. We all ripped on him saying he was too young to play Halo and that he should get off of his brother's Xbox. The match starts, he kills half of the zombies, and was the last man standing every round. He shut us up real fast.-John
Me, post-game lobby in Halo Reach after getting a triple kill with the sword:"Why did you guys just line up for me to kill you like that?"Other team member: "It's an old French tactic."-Rory
One night my friend and I were playing Black Ops Nazi Zombies, we didn't have enough people to start a private match so we searched for people to play with online. We were both in a party so we couldn't hear the two guys in gamechat talking, so of course we wanted to communicate with them so we didn't die, thus going to game chat. One guy was apparently just blowing wind in his mic and the other was quiet. My friend and I start talking and after about ten minutes into the game we heard from the quiet guy's mic, "I swear to God Sharleen if you sh*t on my shoulder blade one more time, I'll beat you with the broom again!" We proceeded to laugh so hard I kicked my modem, disconnecting me from Xbox Live.-Dave
Filed Under   overheard on xbox

Article The 5 Most Awesomely Cheesy Fight Scenes in Videogame Movies

March 28, 2011

5.




Mortal Kombat Annihilation is the second film (god willing not the last) in the MK saga. The fight scenes are far superior to the original, blending nostalgia and hilarity into a cocktail fit for a King of the Outworld. Honestly? This battle could have been number one if Jax could have squeezed in just a couple more perfectly timed one-liners. Regardless, it does MK justice; especially when Sonya delivers her famous "Kiss of Death" fatality to a cyborg. The explosion at 4:34 is worth the price of admission alone.


4.




The RE films are pretty similar to their source material: The action is beautiful while the plot is more confusing than Russell Brand's sex appeal. This scene showcases the lickers just as Capcom would have wanted: Ugly, fast, and creepy as all hell. And in staying true to the RE game series, Alice doesn't move while shooting. Also, Jill is wearing the EXACT outfit she wore in Resident Evil 3, making her the last person to tie a sweatshirt around her waist since 1996.

Filed Under   mortal kombat   movies   resident evil

Article TMNT and the Ginger

September 1, 2010
  1. Donatello

    There's so much blood!

  2. Leonardo

    Holy sh*t Don, what happened to you?

  3. Donatello

    I got jumped by the Foot Clan. Oh god, I can't feel my legs…

  4. Michelangelo

    Cowa-bummer dude!

  5. Raphael

    Don, you don't look so hot. I think you should go to the hospital or vet or something.

  6. Donatello

    No it's ok, I just need some pizza.

  7. Leonardo

    Umm, I'm not a doctor, but I don't think this is the best time for a pizza run.

  8. Raphael

    Yeah, you're not supposed to be bleeding from your ears like that, and your leg looks kind of broken-ish.

  9. Donatello

    No, guys, I just need some pizza. Can you look through those trashcans Mikey?

Filed Under   conversations   tmnt

Article Pwn Up: Mists of Pwndaria

By Kevin Corrigan / October 28, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

I tell my wife that I think about her giving birth, how inspiring it is and the pain she overcame, whenever I work out and need to push through a heavy set. In reality I think of Batman and his inability to give up during the Knightfall story line. Batman didn't need an epidural.-Danny

Everything I know about football I learned reading anime, particularly Eyeshield 21.-Raph

I'm right-handed, but I fully intend to play Skyward Sword as a lefty LIKE IT SHOULD BE.-Darth Jader

I used to practice Muay Thai. One time my coach had me spar this huge guy who was also the most experienced fighter in the gym. I was only in my second month of training. After some ordinary beating, he clinched my neck. I couldn't get loose. I struggled for a while and receiving four punches to the head. All I remember after that was screaming "SHORYUKEN!" and delivering a jumping uppercut to his jaw. Not only did I get loose, but he fell down, mostly from surprise. Everyone stared at me for what felt like an eternity before my coach burst out laughing. The entire gym laughed at me for two weeks until I injured my shoulder and quit.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #61

January 28, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

Back in fifth grade, one of my friends was playing some rpg on gameboy advanced. He was fighting one of those bosses that you're supposed to lose to, the kind that have 9999 health and you can only deal one damage to at a time. He was curious about what would happen if he did beat him. Right before he was supposed to fight the boss, he grinded on monsters until he had enough money to max his inventory with health potions. He then spent six hours, one attack at a time, slowly bringing down the bosses health until he beat it. The reward? His game crashed.-Steve

When I was younger, I had a Pokemon book that listed everyone's stats. I did not know that "lbs" meant pounds. I thought it meant laps. I can clearly remember being confused as to why Onix could run more laps than Mewtwo.-Rich

Every time I see an online discussion debating whether or not Power Girl's boobs are real, I get a strong urge to point out that a Kryptonian couldn't possibly undergo breast augmentation.-John

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article N64 Wingman

May 11, 2010
  1. Jerry

    Alright guys, I'm gonna go talk to that cute girl up at the bar. One of you mind chatting up her friend?

  2. Falco

    I'll take this one! You get the one behind me!

  3. Jerry

    That's the wrong girl! Falco, WAIT.

  4. Peppy

    I'm GOIN' IN!

  5. Slippy

    Fox! Get this guy off me!

  6. Jerry

    My name's Jerry, dude. And chill, it's just a waiter.

  7. Slippy

    Thanks Fox…I thought they had me.

  8. Falco

    I could use a little help over here!

  9. Girl

    What the hell?

  10. Jerry runs over

  11. Jerry

    Sorry, my friend's kind of out there. It's just his sense of humor.

  12. Falco

    Gee, I've been saved by Jerry. How swell.

Filed Under   starfox

Article Pwn Up: Videogame Funeral

By Staff / April 6, 2012

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Videogame Funeral - Image 2

The first funeral that I attended was when I was about 7 or 8 and took place at my best friend's house. We and our brothers celebrated the life of my friend's golden Legend of Zelda NES cartridge. Near the end, the game just wouldn't play right anymore without glitching up. We each said our favorite memories, and it was "buried" underneath the couch in his basement. It will always live on in our memories.-Mike

I keep my mouse with me in my bag when I visit my girlfriend. I use it to play LoL when she falls asleep next to me. If she asks what I'm doing, I tell her I'm working or sending an e-mail. She hasn't questioned it yet.-Luke

I remember a time when I was about 13 in which I wanted to get a fake I.D. I didn't want a fake to get tobacco or alcohol, I wanted one so I could get M-Rated video games. I just turned 17 that won't be a problem anymore.-zRiffz

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article The Dorklyst: The 6 Worst Attempts At Realism In Videogame History

April 7, 2011



For much of gaming history, publishers tossed around the word "realistic" as if it were a synonym for "quality." Some developers seemed to believe games would only be perfect once they had replicated every bowel movement, popped zit, and sweaty handshake found in real life. As you may imagine, hilariously awful missteps ensued. Here are six of the worst offenses committed in the name of "videogame realism."


6.) Dragonheart: Fire & Steel – The Stamina Bar



A licensed game with broken features? Shocking, I know. Conceptually, the stamina bar is actually a solid gaming concept. It's a special power (like speed) that the player can dole out at their leisure. In Dragonheart, however, you didn't lose stamina when you sprinted or used a special attack, but literally every time you swung your sword. Taking on more than few opponents left you either panting and out of breath, or hiding behind your shield, hoping nobody saw you. Add embarrassingly visible erections, and it was seventh grade gym all over again!

Filed Under   the dorklyst

Article Pwn Up: v1.8 Adventure Update

By Kevin Corrigan / September 9, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

All of the computers at my work are linked together. I was bored one day and decided that, since nobody checks on me, I would play solitaire. After winning my first game, I noticed that I wasn't even close to the top score in the office. That was held by my boss. One month later I had the top 23 scores and was fired for playing games on the job.-Brendon

I lost a bet. The wager was that I had to get an SNES controller tattooed right above my arse, on the area generally known as the "tramp stamp." I love it.-Anonymous

My girlfriend and I play strip Pokémon.-Anonymous

My dad walked in on me during a Catherine cut scene that had some sexual tension. He left quickly, making things very awkward. He didn't talk to me for a few days after, just the occasional "Hi son" whenever I walked in the front door. One day he gave me a sleeve of DVDs and said, "It's not my place to judge, just don't let your mother find out." Confused, I popped the disk into my laptop and it was anime. I fast forwarded five minutes and it was hentai. My dad thought I was playing hentai on my PS3.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life