- French Soldier
Viva la revolution!
Yes, I hear you, but what kind of revolution should we have?
- French Soldier
Well, the Americans did that whole Boston Tea Party revolt, which was pretty impressive.
- French Soldier
We could find a bunch of croissants and toss them into the river
No, we need to do something unique, plus croissants are too buttery, flakey, and delicious to waste.
Article Viva la Dance Dance Revolution!January 17, 2011
Article Pwn Up: Issue #86
Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.
When I was a kid, my mom used to make my brother and I keep a diary. I found it recently. There was one month where almost every page had a comment about Street Fighter II. The most remarkable ones:-I hate Vega, he is such a cheater-I hate Vega, climbing the fence is illegal-Brother told me he beat Vega, but that's impossible. I hate VegaAfter a few weeks without Streetfighter comments, I wrote, "I hate Sagat!!!!"-Anonymous
When I first started dating my girlfriend, she let me borrow her Gameboy. When I lost interest in her, I was afraid to break up with her because I thought she was going to take her gameboy back. I stayed with her for six more months.-Henry
When I was in the 12th grade, my school district had a contest: Every time you bought milk, you got a scratch card. First and second prize were expensive, but lame. Third prize was an Xbox 360. My friend and I were intrigued by the contest because the cheapest milk was just 10 cents. I really wanted that 360. My friend just wanted the scratch cards and had no interest in gaming. It was win-win. We bought 50 milks the first day. We drank them during lunch, and scratched the cards during English. We were both pretty sick by the end of the day. I usually took the bus home from school. I had to get off the bus before my stop and walk so I could vomit a few times. We slowed down our pace after that, and enlisted others to help.We spent about $50 on milk during the month long contest. We didn't win a single thing.-Andrew J.
Seeing as how LulzSec recently ended their hacker crasher cruise, I thought I would be a good Samaritan and fill the lulz/asshole void. So allow me, dear readers, to be your troll for a day. Allow me to show you the way things are, as heartless and cruel as you like it. Here are seven promised videogame sequels that, as much as you might want them, will probably never come to be.
That's right. Cry. Cry, and fuel my list of torment. For it begins with
7. Psychonauts 2
To be fair, we could make a list entirely out of Tim Schafer projects alone, but Psychonauts holds a special place in gamers' hearts and minds (see what I did there?). The first game followed Raz as he climbed the ranks from cadet to Psychonaut, all the while unraveling a conspiracy amongst the camp counselors who were supposed to be helping him. Just as he finally sorts out his powers, and an exciting new psychic crisis presents itself, the game ends. The cliffhanger practically begs for a sequel, and Schafer himself said back in November 2010 he was ""ready" for a Psychonauts 2."://www.computerandvideogames.com/275156/news/psychonauts-2-tim-schafer-is-ready-to-do-it/
He seemed pretty proud of his cult classic, saying that, "Over the years it's gotten into the hands of a lot of people, through being two dollars on Steam for a while, and being pirated [empahsis added]," and that, " if all these people were going to buy the sequel it would be a big hit."
Oh, yeah! If only all those pirates you know, people who steal shit would just buy the game, maybe it would be a big hit! C'mon, publishers, what's holding you back from a business proposal like that? And think of all the merchandising you can do with this cuddly cast of characters.
Article Pwn My Life: Issue #77
Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.
I'm not a gamer, but read Dorkly via collegehumor. I drive open-wheel formula race cars, and I'm a driving instructor for new drivers. While quite adept at driving an actual race car, I was never able to make heads or tails of the sims and games. Some people do it well, but I'm not one of them.
New drivers are required by regulation to attend a driving school before a competition license can be issued. I had one guy as a student who was a huge gamer. He loved racing sims so much that he purchased an actual race car, fire gear, helmet, etc. in order to do it for real. He was very cautious through his school experience, a bit less aggressive than I would have preferred, but I figured he would work through it.
After finishing school, you are on a provisional license for two races. After that, you get your competition license. The gamer guy's first race weekend was at a race I was going to be at so I told him to look me up and I'd give him a few pointers. We went out for the first practice session which included different formula cars (formula atlantic, maybe 160-170 mph capable while we were 130-ish capable). About half way through the session I lapped him. Two laps later, I was going down a straightaway and got split (one car going by on each side) by a pair of formula atlantics. No big deal. Done it a million times.
I came in from the session and pulled the race car in. His car was already on the trailer. I got out of my car and told him to get the car off the trailer. Whatever broke, we could fix it. He told me the car was fine. I asked why his car is on the trailer. It turned out he was split by the same pair of atlantics. At the speed he was moving, they had a speed differential of probably 60 mph going by him on either side, about 2 feet from his head. He said "This is NOTHING like racing sims on the computer! I'm going home!" I replied, "Yeah, it's your ass out there. No reset on a race car."
He left. Haven't seen him since. It's been 6 years.-B
Betrayals are great plot motivators in video games. Or developers seem to think so, because at least one member of any given game's cast inevitably just hangs around on your side long enough to crap in your salad. A lot of betrayals don't make much sense. Or they come out of nowhere. Or worse still, they're so predictable that they the only one surprised is the moron protagonist. But every once in a while, a game comes along and pens an act of duplicity so daring that it manages to shake the foundations of everything you thought you knew. Here are seven such moments. Oh, and at least one of these games is from the past year, so:
7. StarCraft Arcturus Mengsk
It's hard to peg Starcraft as sweeping epic of the human condition, what with the countless marines you so casually throw into the meat grinder just to delay an opponent's expansion. But the campaign of the first Starcraft painted a pretty bleak picture of advanced space-politics. The Confederacy has an iron-grip on human activity across dozens of planets. Even as two alien races emerge to challenge human dominance, colonial oppression runs deep. You turn to Arcturus Mengsk, a cunning strategist and master of oratory to liberate your species in the sector. Mengsk, his Lieutenant Sarah Kerrigan and the nameless commander controlled by the player are able to strike a few key victories against the Confederacy.
But ol' Arcturus has a few more plans than just easing living conditions under Confederate rule. Manipulating the two new aliens, Mengsk wipes out an entire planet, leaving his second-in-command for dead in the process. After Mengsk's betrayal, no human force in the galaxy has the strength to challenge him. And after supplanting the Confederacy, his government proves to be just as intrusive and just as brutal.
Article 5 Awkward Moments From E3 2010June 17, 2010
1. Konami's WTF Press Conference
I've got to give them credit, it takes a lot of guts to give a press conference in anything but your native language. Still, that doesn't make it any easier to watch. Konami Producer Tak Fuji stumbles through an extremely hard to understand intro, only to pass it off to Thomas Nagano and Naoki Maeda for an awkward slam dunk. Worst. Alley-oop. Ever.
2. Controller Issues During Miyamoto's Zelda Demo
I get it, an entire room full of active mobile devices probably isn't the best thing for a wireless gaming demonstration. And in Nintendo's defense, the Wii was mostly responsive during the first half of their "Skyward Sword" demo. But the second half, particularly any moment involving Link's bow and arrow, was tough to sit through. There are few things stranger than watching someone pitch their "revolutionary" product, only to have it fail in front of a huge live audience.
Article Pwn My Life: Issue #56December 28, 2010
Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.
When I was in high school, my friends and I had a hard time beating Ninja Gaiden for Xbox. After months of practice, I finally beat it. My friends were all impressed and with my new found confidence I went up to the hottest girl in school and tried to hit on her. My pick up line: "Hey, so I beat Ninja Gaiden." Didn't work.-Anonymous
I once failed an exam on Greek mythology and got detention. To make things worse, I answered with the names of WoW characters. I got detention because the teacher also played WoW and knew who they were.-Carl
I puked during my calculus final today. I got that nervous.-Santa's Little Helper
Article Overheard on Xbox: Issue #41March 15, 2011
Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious on Xbox Live? Send your submissions to overheardonxbox at gmail.
While playing Halo 2 a few years ago some kid who couldn't have been older than 11 was talking sh*t. After a few games of this my friend asks "Are you even allowed in your mom's room?" The kid says yes, quite proudly, so my friend replies with "wake me up in the morning".-BigDog
My gamertag on Xbox live is Kira, now for any of you who've seen Death Note you get it. But a lot of people think I'm a girl because of it. Well one day I was in the lobby of a Halo 3 game, and as soon as I entered some 12 year old kid is like "Ooh, Kira, it's a girl." and rambling on about that, then I go "Hey, sup?" in a pretty deep voice. His response "Oh sh*t!" and left the game.-Josh
Article An Ode To The Steam Summer Sale