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Article Five Rite of Passage Games

By Brandon Hoang / June 24, 2011

Almost every culture has some kind of rite of passage. Obnoxious, privileged rich girls throw lavish Sweet Sixteen parties (and apparently get simultaneous TV deals), Native American tribes send their young out in the wilderness to wait until nature speaks directly to them. It's a way to mark the transition from child to man. Or in my case, manchild. These are some of our video game vision quests.

Leisure Suit Larry

I can't recall exactly when Larry Laffer confidently strolled into my life. But I do remember that my father always told me to "scram and while you're at it, get me another RC Cola" whenever he launched the randy PC adventure game.

But what was he cackling about? What was so damn funny? After what seemed like eons, I waited until he was asleep to slip away to the family den and boot up DOS as quietly as I could.

Unfortunately, it would take many failed attempts before I could crack Al Lowe's cryptic "Prove Your Age" questions. But when I finally did (by sheer chance), the vault was finally opened to the raunchy, perverted jokes that would make a ventriloquist dummy blush.

Following Larry in his saucy adventures made me feel like a grownup. A real man. Unfortunately, this euphoric feeling ended abruptly when I reached a point in the game where I had to order up a bottle of wine to the hotel room, but didn't know how to spell "suite" correctly.

Thanks to the demise of text-based adventure games, I won't make that mistake again.

Article StarCraft Surgery

October 25, 2010
  1. Marine

    Ahh, I got cut deep bro.

  2. Marauder

    Hang in there! We'll get you patched up quick.

  3. Marine

    Did you bring a Medic?

  4. Marauder

    Even better, a Medivac.

  5. Medivac

    Talk to me.

  6. Marine

    Is that new? Are they going to do the surgery in the ship?

  7. Marauder

    Nope, they do it from the air.

  8. Marine

    What?! How does that even work?

  9. Medivac

    We use a complicated system of lasers to cut and suture you up, but I pretty much just point and shoot.

  10. Marine

    From hundreds of feet in the air?! What about painkillers? Do you have anesthetics?

  11. Medivac

    Nah, just more lasers. Hold still.

  12. Marine


Filed Under   starcraft   conversations

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #12

July 15, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy they you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I quit World of Warcraft on April 22nd (shortly after I got Monster Hunter Tri) by putting an authenticator on my account and smashing the shit out of it so it wouldn't generate a code anymore, therefor rendering the account useless. I had eight level 80 characters, four of which were quite well geared for raiding. I was done for good, until I made a new account on June 24th, and leveled a warrior to 80 in under a week.-Paul

A couple years ago I was over at my girlfriend's house, she told me she was going to take a shower and dropped some not-so-subtle hints that she wanted me to join. I passed on that opportunity to watch an episode of the original Voltron series. It was a good one. After the show was over, she came back into the living room quite upset after a long, long shower.-DW

After being shot and killed during an all night marathon of pwning noobs online in Socom II: US Navy Seals, I got so mad that I smashed my hand down on the arm of my chair. There was a searing pain in my wrist and a doctor visit later revealed that I had fractured the bone. I spent the next week telling everyone at school that I broke my arm skateboarding.-Matt

I was so mad at M. Night Shyamalan over his Avatar movie that I wrote him two letters. One about how much I hated that he changed Aangs name, and another about why firebenders don't need a source of fire to firebend.-Alec

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #43

November 4, 2010

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

My University's wireless network won't allow the downloading of WoW patches, so once a week my roommate and I download the patch in the parking lot of a Days Inn.-Jason

I buy videogame soundtracks on CD. Not just games with epic scores, mind you, but games like Mario Kart 64.-AK

I bought a copy of Halo 3 as soon as it came out, two months before I could afford to buy an Xbox 360.-Jesse

I had just gotten Netflix for the first time and was streaming The Super Mario Super Show cartoon from the '80s on my PS3. I was having a great nostalgia trip until I noticed in the opening credits that Mario touches a star and, instead of becoming invincible, he gets fire flower power. I nerd raged for a few minutes until I realized I was alone, watching a children's cartoon from the '80s on a Saturday night.-Jay R.

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #65

February 25, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at Collegehumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I am a huge fan of the MGS series. I don't own a PS3. When my friend offered me the chance to play MGS4 at his house, I was excited. He neglected to tell me his mom and step-dad were getting a divorce. For 16 hours, I played through crying, yelling, arguing and just general awkwardness until I finally beat it. It was worth it.-M

My roommates and I started what we call our annual Zeldoff. We set up three TVs with three N64s and three copies of Ocarina of Time in our living room. Then we race to see who can play through the game the fastest.-Tay

I just read every issue of Pwn My Life. I got frustrated and jealous any time anyone mentioned that they had a girlfriend.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article IRL LOTR: Offering Aragorn The One Ring

By Brian Murphy / April 22, 2011

Filed Under   lord of the rings

Article An Excerpt From Super Mario Bros The Novel

May 5, 2010

The sweat burned my eyes. Blinking hard I tried to focus. I needed to focus. Only a cold blooded creature could consider a castle full of lava as its home. My overalls felt like they weighed a ton. My movements were all in slow motion. Even my moustache was drenched through. As the heat pressed in from all sides I wanted to give up. From the glint in his red eyes I could tell that's what he was waiting for. If it was just me maybe it would have been O.K. to just curl up and die, but she was counting on me, her and the entire Mushroom Kingdom. If he had laid one hand upon her soft flaxen hair so help me I would…

Damn. I had let my mind wander and he had seen it. A toothy grin spread across Bowser's face as he exhaled. The flaming expulsion from his bowels hurled towards me. He was gloating already that bastard. This was my chance. I summoned all the strength I had left and blindly leapt forward. With my eyes squeezed shut, I felt the intense heat of the fireball pass beneath my feet. I just might do it. I forced my eyes open. Seeing that look on Bowser's face invigorated me more than a thousand cold showers. He knew that death had finally come for him. I started to descend. My thick steel toed boots made contact with the vile lizard's skull. My full weight slammed his head into the stonework bridge. With a sickening crunch it was over. Bowser was dead. There was no time to celebrate or to consider how I was going to wash the reptile brains from my overalls, a crack had formed where we had landed and it was starting to splinter the walkway. I ran. The stones behind me fell away. I heard the sizzle from Bowser's corpse hitting the lava but I did not stop. I ran. I saw her face again. My princess. I jumped as the last piece of the bridge gave way.

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #62

February 4, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at CollegeHumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I went to see the new Harry Potter movie with my girlfriend the day it came out. I got SUPER pumped during the Green Lantern trailer. In the end of the trailer, Ryan Reynolds says "In brightest day, in blackest night.." aka the first part of the Hal Jordan Green Lantern oath. I was saying it along with him and thought he was going to finish it. Instead, the entire theater heard me yell "no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might, beware my power Green Lantern's light!"-Lee

I knit during cutscenes. So far I've made mittens while replaying Twilight Princess and a scarf during Black Ops.-Anonymous

A couple weeks ago my girlfriend realized I wash my hands every time I'm about to touch a comic book, but not every time I put in my contact lenses.-Seth

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn My Life: Issue #63

February 11, 2011

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Read more nerd confessions at CollegeHumor, and send your submissions to dorklypwnmylife at gmail.

I just finished Peggle, including all the challenges, on my ipod touch. That's not the nerdy part. The nerdy part is that my iPod Touch never leaves my car, and I only play Peggle while waiting in line at the KFC drive-thru.-Anonymous

My workout playlist is entirely Weird Al polka medleys.-Anonymous

Growing up, we never had a lot of money. I was a Final Fantasy addict. I had to save for months to buy a used copy of FFVIII. A few days later, I went to a friend's house and lost my memory card on the way. It was summer. I didn't have a lot to do, so for three weeks I played FFVIII for 14 hours a day without saving. Then I'd turn it off, got o bed, wake up and play the same 14 hours again until I finally got enough cash to buy a new memory card.-Anonymous

Filed Under   pwn my life

Article Pwn Up: Street Fighting Man

By Jake Young / November 11, 2013

Ever had a moment so nerdy that you needed to tell the Internet about it? Send your submissions to dorklypwnup at gmail.

Pwn Up: Street Fighting Man

illustration by Michael Mayne

I've been in the pro wrestling business for a little over a year now, getting my feet wet in one of the most prominent territories in North America, Ohio Valley Wrestling, or, OVW. When the time finally came to pick an entrance theme to charge into battle to, I could think of nothing better than my go-to workout remix of Guile's Street Fighter theme. Anyone who recognizes the jam usually pops (cheers) big time, as it's certainly a dorky choice for an entrance theme. 


One afternoon when I was a little kid, I was being a tough guy out in the backyard. I was showing off for my sister and doing all my awesome martial arts moves. After awhile I tried doing a cool kick I used all the time as Bruce in Tekken. I took a running start and shouted BAZOOKA FOOT as I thrust my leg out in front of me, just like in the game. That move doesn't work in real life, I slipped and busted my ass pretty hard. My sister laughed. I just cried.

 (And yes I am nerdy enough to remember the move is actually called Foot Bazooka, and he doesn't shout it as he does the move.)



Filed Under   pwn my life   pwn up